Marriage falling apart. Should I cut my losses and try for an annulment?

[mandajane]

Many posters here warned me to get away from my fiance and his family in the past. But I was in love, and I didn’t listen, and now here I am. So first, I’m sorry for not taking your advice. I’d probably be much happier if I had.

On to the problem:

After my husband and I got married, we went on a honeymoon, and everything seemed great, however, when we returned from the honeymoon, things were disastrous. First, his brother, who was my employer, had decided to let me go so I could be a Stay-at-Home-Wife/Mom. We don’t have any children, and we needed my income. Second, my FIL, who was also my doctor, had decided he was going to stop prescribing me my psychiatric medication, because it would be “Bad for a developing baby”. My mental health quickly deteriorated, and I am still trying to get $$ to get back on the medication, as the insurance plan I have is one that was ‘grandfathered in’ to ACA.

Over the first year of our marriage, my husband repeatedly put his family’s wants ahead of my needs. They would openly belittle both of us, then turn around and demand our help with anything and everything. When I asked him to stand up to them, he refused, saying it would just hurt us financially (he works for his father.)

After a while, when the depression got worse, I stopped going to Church, because every time I went I felt like I was being mocked. I had tried to be a good wife, but my needs were not being met. Every time I tried to sit down with my husband and tell him this, he would just cry and tell me he was sorry but he couldn’t do anything. Finally, About 6 months into our marriage, I got him to come talk to a priest with me. I missed how happy I used to be going to Mass, and being Catholic. Now it felt like a chain around my neck. After talking to us both extensively, the priest told my husband in no uncertain terms that part of what he agreed to in marriage was to leave his father and mother and cleave to me. He told the priest he couldn’t do that, wouldn’t do that, because he needs his family. The priest sighed and said maybe we should look into whether or not it’s a valid marriage. Immediately my husband started crying and begging me “not to leave him”. And at first, I didn’t. I stayed with him and tried to make the best of it, but my mental health got worse and worse, and I realized I was starting to contemplate suicide.

I finally sat down with him and said I needed to leave, for myself, since he wasn’t considering what was best for me - I had to. I moved halfway across the country, but my confidence in the Church, and myself, had been shattered. I ended up shacking up with one of my guy friends and trying to medicate myself with alcohol and sex. Finally, said guy friend realized how far off the deep end I’d gone, and paid for me to see a therapist and psychiatrist, and get back on psychiatric medication.

I’m starting to get better. Slowly. But now said guy friend wants me to proceed with the annulment and stay with him. He’s been more ‘husbandly’ in the regards to taking care of me and helping lift me up than my husband ever did. But at the same time, he’s a “Cafeteria Catholic” and doesn’t agree with the Church’s stance on things like birth control, abortion, or pre-marital sex.

My husband is devout, and begging me to come home. But nothing there has changed. He still works for his father, and is constantly emotionally badgered by them. I feel a great weight on my chest every time I talk to him, because all he ever talks about is how much he misses me, and how horrible his family is. When I left I told him he needed to get himself seperate from them.

But this is all a swirling vortex around the real problem - I miss the Church. I want to go back, but I don’t feel like I can until I get this sorted out. I don’t know if I can hurt someone who has been so good to me, to go back to being miserable, because that’s what the Church says I should do. I don’t really have anywhere else to go, anyway.

 

[1ke]

I don’t know if I can hurt someone who has been so good to me, to go back to being miserable, because that’s what the Church says I should do.

Where does the Church say you should do this?

 

[EasterJoy]

Where does the Church say you should do this?

She and her husband talked to their pastor, and he asked them whether or not their marriage is valid.

…Finally, About 6 months into our marriage, I got him to come talk to a priest with me…After talking to us both extensively, the priest told my husband in no uncertain terms that part of what he agreed to in marriage was to leave his father and mother and cleave to me. He told the priest he couldn’t do that, wouldn’t do that, because he needs his family. The priest sighed and said maybe we should look into whether or not it’s a valid marriage. Immediately my husband started crying and begging me “not to leave him”. And at first, I didn’t. I stayed with him and tried to make the best of it, but my mental health got worse and worse, and I realized I was starting to contemplate suicide…

Based on the grave effects she has suffered on her mental healthy, she certainly had a compelling reason to separate with the bond remaining. Based on the priest’s assessment of her marriage after hearing both her testimony and her husband’s, and questioning them both, she would have reason to believe that her marriage is worth investigating with regards to validity, if ever one was.

 

[1ke]

She and her husband talked to their pastor, and he asked them whether or not their marriage is valid.

Right. The priest did NOT say “go back to him and be miserable for the rest of your life”.

 

[ProdglArchitect]

Based solely on what you’ve said here, I think seeking an annulment is the best thing for you in this situation. Your husband is not willing to take on the full responsibility of being your spouse, and apparently wasn’t willing to from the start. I can’t be certain because I don’t know the whole situation, but it sounds like there’s a good chance your marriage isn’t valid.

 

[Tablefor9]

Based solely on what you’ve said here, I think seeking an annulment is the best thing for you in this situation. Your husband is not willing to take on the full responsibility of being your spouse, and apparently wasn’t willing to from the start. I can’t be certain because I don’t know the whole situation, but it sounds like there’s a good chance your marriage isn’t valid.

^^^^^This. The Church isn’t what’s telling you to go back to this man.

 

[EasterJoy]

Right. The priest did NOT say “go back to him and be miserable for the rest of your life”.

Something tells me there are some Catholics in her husband’s family telling her what “the Church” says, because the priest with the office within the church of helping this couple to discern the state of their marriage said no such thing. Instead, when the priest clarified with the husband what he had to do as a part of his vows, he broke down and said he could not do it. He couldn’t do it to avoid losing her, and he never did it for as long as they lived as man as wife. His failure has serious consequences for her health, too. That’s a good indication that he really couldn’t.

 

[EasterJoy]

Right. The priest did NOT say “go back to him and be miserable for the rest of your life”.

Something tells me there are some Catholics in her husband’s family telling her what “the Church” says, because the priest with the office within the Church of helping this couple to discern the state of their marriage said no such thing. Instead, when the priest clarified with the husband what he had to do as a part of his vows, he broke down and said he could not do it. He couldn’t do it to avoid losing her, and he never did it for as long as they lived as man as wife. His failure has serious consequences for her health, too. That’s a good indication that he really couldn’t.

Would you not say that she certainly had reason to separate with the bond remaining, and that there is no reason in the situation as she describes it that she could not go to Church right now, confess her transgressions, and return to the sacraments? If she were a friend of mine, I’d suggest she make an appointment for a long talk with her confessor prior to her confession, because this is a case where a physician of the soul has more healing to help the penitent with than absolution alone. She has really been put through the wringer, and I would think the pastor of her current parish would want the opportunity to help her shake off not just the effects of the sins for which she is responsible, but also any false sense of guilt that has been laid on her on top of that.

Is it possible for her and helpful for the local tribunal to have the priest who interviewed her and her husband testify about his opinion regarding the validity of the marriage, based on the extensive interview he did with the couple?

 

[ClearWater]

I hope you will stay with your treatment, number once, because it sounds like you may have codependence issues. Codependents often overly depend on a person, a substance, (alcohol, food, etc.), or both.

Boundaries are an issue. Often, it’s easy for a codependent (assuming that is what this is), to get into one codependent relationship after the other, and codependency is a progressive condition.

Sounds like your husband is also codependent. I suspect you all need treatment for codependency, in my opinion…you AND your husband, AND the one who is with you, now… Really, your family needs counseling, as well, for their role…but first things, first.

There are risk factors which help increase the likelihood of one’s becoming codependent in the first place. Initially, codependency, was a phenomenon associated with alcoholism…with children of alcoholics. Then, the spouse would do all kinds of things, go to any lengths, to stay with the alcoholic, even through abuse, whatever.

Now, you have stayed with your husband too long, despite all this, and he has stayed his codependent relationship…with his family, too long.

I wouldn´t expect him to change. Codependents can actually get so low that they can actually kill, or commit suicide.

I am from a large family. That is another risk factor. Having a disability is another…coming from a family where there is abuse, is another.

I am SO glad you are in treatment. You NEED your treatment, and husband, or no, I hope you will NEVER go without it ever again.

Next, your husband needs treatment, as I’ve said. Actually, you ALL do, but work with what you can. Encourage your husband to get some help, as well, because, in a sense, he is also a victim of circumstances.

If he won´t get treatment, you will know you have least done your best.

There are also support groups for codependents. One is Codependent’s Anonymous (CoDA). coda.org/ Try to get your husband to go to that.

You will probably develop another codependent relationship with whomever you are with right now, if you are truly codependent. So, in order to prevent that, get help.

BOUNDARIES is the issue with this condition.

I would encourage you to seek out a Codependent´s Anonymous meeting and to go, regularly. If you can´t find one, the next best thing would be Alanon…yes… those who deal with alcoholics. The reason being I suggest that is because both of these have the same issues, actually, boundaries.

You need to learn how not to have your boundaries trampled, how to have a healthy relationship. Some folks learn these patterns from their families of origin, and codependents tend to be drawn also towards narcissists like moths are to a flame!

Often, codependents are dependent, in some way, on someone…economically, emotionally, etc.

I am struggling with my faith, am honestly unsure what God’s take would be on this, but I hope you will stay away from your husband, and his family, at least till you are stronger.

Oh, and one more thing…codependents OFTEN confuse sex and love. Guilt over this won’t be helpful. To the contrary…guilt will pull you further down. You can regret your decisions, past, but forgive yourself and continue to move forward. Do NOT beat yourself up over this.

I beg you to get yourself even more help, 12-step support group, to boot. Have the one who is helping you go, too, so that you don´t repeat this pattern. Break this cycle. Break free! God bless you, Dear!

 

[ClearWater]

Codependents often come from families where there is …addiction…dysfunction, and they learn the same…usually pass this pattern on…generation to generation, unfortunately.

I am coming at this from perhaps a different slant, not so much a religious one as a psychological one.

One last thing…if you remember NOTHING else that I’ve told you, remember this… TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! (Codependents often like to “rescue” others, sometimes even love “hopeless cases”…ignore their own needs, tending to everyone else…can even burn out, die due to self neglect).

 

[EasterJoy]

…I’m starting to get better. Slowly. But now said guy friend wants me to proceed with the annulment and stay with him. He’s been more ‘husbandly’ in the regards to taking care of me and helping lift me up than my husband ever did. But at the same time, he’s a “Cafeteria Catholic” and doesn’t agree with the Church’s stance on things like birth control, abortion, or pre-marital sex.

My husband is devout, and begging me to come home. But nothing there has changed. He still works for his father, and is constantly emotionally badgered by them. I feel a great weight on my chest every time I talk to him, because all he ever talks about is how much he misses me, and how horrible his family is. When I left I told him he needed to get himself seperate from them.

But this is all a swirling vortex around the real problem - I miss the Church. I want to go back, but I don’t feel like I can until I get this sorted out. I don’t know if I can hurt someone who has been so good to me, to go back to being miserable, because that’s what the Church says I should do. I don’t really have anywhere else to go, anyway.

One cauldron at a time, OP. You are still married. Under no circumstances should you work through this with the help of a consort in adultery. You need support, but not from him. You could FAR too easily find yourself jumping out of the skillet and into the fire. Besides, you are keeping him in sin. That is not doing good for someone who has been good to you. That is giving someone you love what he wants instead of what he ought to want and what he really needs.

No, the standard prudent way to deal with this is to extricate yourself from the objectively sinful relationship, separate yourself from the objectively psyche-damaging marriage, and take some time ALONE to sort out what happened, why, and how to avoid doing a slightly different version of the same thing all over again. One invalid marriage in a lifetime is once too much. Do NOT put yourself in the position of repeating with a similar mistake without even knowing what hit you the first time.

While you do that, you will be entirely free to avail yourself of the life of the Church. I highly encourage you to do that.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Of course, you should go back to Church and pray daily. That is the first step. You should consult a good psychiatrist and get on whatever medication is best for you. I would avoid dependance on either husband’s family or new boyfriend. Neither one seem to have your best interest at heart.

 

[EasterJoy]

Of course, you should go back to Church and pray daily. That is the first step. You should consult a good psychiatrist and get on whatever medication is best for you. I would avoid dependance on either husband’s family or new boyfriend. Neither one seem to have your best interest at heart.

It is not necessary to impute bad motives on either man to see that they are both advocating for a bad course of action. They may be well-meaning and still be trying to pressure this poor woman into a decision thought-out more for their benefit than for hers. This could be true even if they are entirely convinced that their motives are as pure as driven snow, and I really doubt that either one is that far into unreality!

That is the secular take. Of course the spiritual take is that she has a morally permissible reason, and probably a morally compelling reason, to leave her marriage and certainly a morally compelling reason to get out of the adulterous relationship.

 

[johnnyt3000]

Go back to the Church. Talk to a priest about this situation. Get away from any adulterous relationship. Never get into a romantic relationship with cradle Catholic. I’ve made the mistake before. Let go and Let God. Ask Our Lady to help you.

 

[ClearWater]

Go back to the Church. Talk to a priest about this situation. Get away from any adulterous relationship. Never get into a romantic relationship with cradle Catholic. I’ve made the mistake before. Let go and Let God. Ask Our Lady to help you.

?

 

[powerofk]

One cauldron at a time, OP. You are still married. Under no circumstances should you work through this with the help of a consort in adultery. You need support, but not from him. You could FAR too easily find yourself jumping out of the skillet and into the fire. Besides, you are keeping him in sin. That is not doing good for someone who has been good to you. That is giving someone you love what he wants instead of what he ought to want and what he really needs.

No, the standard prudent way to deal with this is to extricate yourself from the objectively sinful relationship, separate yourself from the objectively psyche-damaging marriage, and take some time ALONE to sort out what happened, why, and how to avoid doing a slightly different version of the same thing all over again. One invalid marriage in a lifetime is once too much. Do NOT put yourself in the position of repeating with a similar mistake without even knowing what hit you the first time.

While you do that, you will be entirely free to avail yourself of the life of the Church. I highly encourage you to do that.

This ^^^^^

 

[Linusthe2nd]

Many posters here warned me to get away from my fiance and his family in the past. But I was in love, and I didn’t listen, and now here I am. So first, I’m sorry for not taking your advice. I’d probably be much happier if I had.

On to the problem:

After my husband and I got married, we went on a honeymoon, and everything seemed great, however, when we returned from the honeymoon, things were disastrous. First, his brother, who was my employer, had decided to let me go so I could be a Stay-at-Home-Wife/Mom. We don’t have any children, and we needed my income. Second, my FIL, who was also my doctor, had decided he was going to stop prescribing me my psychiatric medication, because it would be “Bad for a developing baby”. My mental health quickly deteriorated, and I am still trying to get $$ to get back on the medication, as the insurance plan I have is one that was ‘grandfathered in’ to ACA.

Over the first year of our marriage, my husband repeatedly put his family’s wants ahead of my needs. They would openly belittle both of us, then turn around and demand our help with anything and everything. When I asked him to stand up to them, he refused, saying it would just hurt us financially (he works for his father.)

After a while, when the depression got worse, I stopped going to Church, because every time I went I felt like I was being mocked. I had tried to be a good wife, but my needs were not being met. Every time I tried to sit down with my husband and tell him this, he would just cry and tell me he was sorry but he couldn’t do anything. Finally, About 6 months into our marriage, I got him to come talk to a priest with me. I missed how happy I used to be going to Mass, and being Catholic. Now it felt like a chain around my neck. After talking to us both extensively, the priest told my husband in no uncertain terms that part of what he agreed to in marriage was to leave his father and mother and cleave to me. He told the priest he couldn’t do that, wouldn’t do that, because he needs his family. The priest sighed and said maybe we should look into whether or not it’s a valid marriage. Immediately my husband started crying and begging me “not to leave him”. And at first, I didn’t. I stayed with him and tried to make the best of it, but my mental health got worse and worse, and I realized I was starting to contemplate suicide.

I finally sat down with him and said I needed to leave, for myself, since he wasn’t considering what was best for me - I had to. I moved halfway across the country, but my confidence in the Church, and myself, had been shattered. I ended up shacking up with one of my guy friends and trying to medicate myself with alcohol and sex. Finally, said guy friend realized how far off the deep end I’d gone, and paid for me to see a therapist and psychiatrist, and get back on psychiatric medication.

I’m starting to get better. Slowly. But now said guy friend wants me to proceed with the annulment and stay with him. He’s been more ‘husbandly’ in the regards to taking care of me and helping lift me up than my husband ever did. But at the same time, he’s a “Cafeteria Catholic” and doesn’t agree with the Church’s stance on things like birth control, abortion, or pre-marital sex.

My husband is devout, and begging me to come home. But nothing there has changed. He still works for his father, and is constantly emotionally badgered by them. I feel a great weight on my chest every time I talk to him, because all he ever talks about is how much he misses me, and how horrible his family is. When I left I told him he needed to get himself seperate from them.

But this is all a swirling vortex around the real problem - I miss the Church. I want to go back, but I don’t feel like I can until I get this sorted out. I don’t know if I can hurt someone who has been so good to me, to go back to being miserable, because that’s what the Church says I should do. I don’t really have anywhere else to go, anyway.

Nothing you can ever do will be right if you continue to violat the Commandments, until you get your spiritual life back. You have to stop all illicit " relationships " before you can do anything. You have to get off drugs and alcohol.

Linus2nd

 

[SWolf]

Right. The priest did NOT say “go back to him and be miserable for the rest of your life”.

Right. The priest did NOT say “go back to him and be miserable for the rest of your life”.

It doesn’t matter if you have a miserable marriage, what matters is if it is valid.

“For better or for worse”

I would love to hear the husband’s take on this. Is there any way he could post on here also?

 

[EasterJoy]

It doesn’t matter if you have a miserable marriage, what matters is if it is valid.

“For better or for worse”

I would love to hear the husband’s take on this. Is there any way he could post on here also?

Well, according to canon law, when it comes to separation with the bond remaining it absolutely does matter whether you have a miserable marriage. When you are talking miserable to the point of suicidal ideation, as the OP was, you are talking miserable to the point of grave danger.

Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay. (underline mine, obviously)

Besides, this couple’s pastor already interviewed the OP’s husband. He can decide better than we can how compelling the husband’s side of the story is:

…Every time I tried to sit down with my husband and tell him this, he would just cry and tell me he was sorry but he couldn’t do anything. Finally, About 6 months into our marriage, I got him to come talk to a priest with me… After talking to us both extensively, the priest told my husband in no uncertain terms that part of what he agreed to in marriage was to leave his father and mother and cleave to me. He told the priest he couldn’t do that, wouldn’t do that, because he needs his family. The priest sighed and said maybe we should look into whether or not it’s a valid marriage. Immediately my husband started crying and begging me “not to leave him”. …

My husband is devout, and begging me to come home. But nothing there has changed…

She has grounds to leave on her own volition with the bond remaining, and by the opinion of her priest she has a reason to ask for a verdict on whether or not the marriage is valid.

 

[SWolf]

Well, according to canon law, when it comes to separation with the bond remaining it absolutely does matter whether you have a miserable marriage. When you are talking miserable to the point of suicidal ideation, as the OP was, you are talking miserable to the point of grave danger.

Can. 1153 §1. If either of the spouses causes grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult, that spouse gives the other a legitimate cause for leaving, either by decree of the local ordinary or even on his or her own authority if there is danger in delay. (underline mine, obviously)

Besides, this couple’s pastor already interviewed the OP’s husband. He can decide better than we can how compelling the husband’s side of the story is:

I should have been more clear. I meant annulment, not separation.

We only know what the pastor said based on what she said though. I have also had personal experience with a pastor who almost ruined an engagement with his advice.

With all due respect to the OP, alarm bells are going in my head that we are not getting the full story.