Marriage finally over? When to give up?(sorry so long)

[jmcrae]

BlazingBolt;

Nobody should ever have to “walk on eggshells” in their own home. Regardless of whether it is the man or the woman, if you are in fear for your physical or emotional safety in your own home, then somebody has to leave; either the abuser or the person who is being abused.

Nobody has to put up with this, and the Catholic Church in her wisdom tells abused spouses to get out of there pronto and make a safety plan for the children. (Canon Law 1153 - 1)

 

[BeeSweet]

Jules, I am praying for you and for your husband. When to give up? I don’t know. Sometimes maybe you have to simply distance your heart from a toxic person, but not necessarily yourself. God bless you and your children, and your husband. I hope all the best for you, I hope for healing for your family. May God give you strength, and protect your family from heartache.

O Glorious St. Michael, Prince of the Heavenly Court, pray for us now and at the hour of our death.

Immaculate heart of Mary, pray for us now and at the hour of our death.

O my Jesus, forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of hell, lead all souls to Heaven, especially those who are in most need of your mercy. Amen.

 

[dulcissima]

Hi Julie - I know you have fought really hard and done everything that you can do on your own for your marriage. I guess it really is all on your husband now, but definitely it does not sound like there is any reason to continue hoping that he is going to make the changes to that he needs to make. By moving on with your life, not building it around him, you really are doing the right thing. Even in doing that you are not leaving him permanently in a situation where if he does get the help that he needs, and does change, where there is no place for him as your husband. A permanent separation or even a civil divorce is not necessarily really permanent. It will just give you the space that you need to deal with the reality of the situation and work towards a healthier life for everyone involved. I know you are a strong woman, and I know that you can and will do what you need to do, what is best for everyone involved.

Well, I’ve just been through the wringer tonight dealing with my husband trying to “force” his way back into my life tonight and am a bit drained. I’m heading off to bed now, but first I am going to say the rosary, and you and your family will definitely be prominent in my intentions. I am really sorry for all that you are going through. God bless, Mary

PS - your description of the text messages sounded eerily similar to some my daughter has been getting, the ups and downs repeatedly, from a certain boy in her life. Just another reason why it is important to show our daughters that this is no way to live or to be “loved.”

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

Nobody has to put up with this, and the Catholic Church in her wisdom tells abused spouses to get out of there pronto and make a safety plan for the children. (Canon Law 1153 - 1)

:yup:

Jules, it doesn’t matter why he acts this way. Crazy, manipulative, demon-possessed… it doesn’t matter which title best fits him, because it’s out of your hands. People who act like this are dangerous to your well-being. The best advice I can give is to extract yourself entirely from the situation (meaning don’t initiate contact or respond to him!), get a lawyer, and pray from a safe distance. You can never be sure when/if an unstable person will stop seeing words as an effective weapon and move on to violence. I’ve been in a similar situation and it is only through the grace of God that my son and I are alive right now.

God isn’t asking you to fix your husband. He’ll take care of what needs to be done on that end. Your responsibilities are elsewhere. Stop responding to this man! Every time you do, you are consenting to board the crazy train with him. You can’t win that game. He makes all the rules, the rules are in a constant state of flux, and his version of reality will probably never make any logical sense no matter how badly you wish it would. Please forgive me if I am assuming too much, but it often seems to me that all abusive men read the same “how to” manual.

I’m relieved that you’ve decided that this needs to end. But don’t call it “giving up”! What you’re really doing is just admitting to yourself that it is out of your hands and in the Lord’s hands. There are no better, more capable hands in the universe! I’ll continue to pray for your family.

 

[jules11]

=BlazingBolt;1788386]Have you been able to get him to look at it though? It sounds like he needs this advice more than you.

In the three years we’ve been married, I have done all this stuff, looking up sites to help us deal with our problems and he would NEVER look at them. I bought good books and he wouldn’t read them. He just won’t read this sort of stuff.

I think you may be wrong that your problems are not normal. You are making a big assumption that couples with issues normally sit down and discuss things as you say. This could be a big part of the problem. In my experience this is often the woman’s desired approach to a conflict while the man may simply want to ignore things because he doesn’t want to fight and have things escalate. This is a bad cycle as the woman usually gets even more upset when the man behaves like this. If you try to force him to talk your probably just going to get an angry outburst. If this is the case your best course of action is to leave him alone until he is ready and not hold it against him.

Easy to say, not easy to do, especially when he won’t talk to me for a week, sometimes 2 or 3. That is not normal, especially when I don’t even know what it’s all about. Most couples I know would not take pleasure in the other one’s suffering, like my husband does. He can’t even explain what it’s all about. He calls me a ‘liar’ and I don’t know what I’m supposed to have lied about. There is a limit to how long someone should leave the other alone for. When it’s over a week, that is ridiculous!

When he is ready to talk to you again do not bring up the argument again or be negative but instead welcome him back lovingly. I have been through marriage counselling too, and I am very leary of marriage counsellors and think many if not most of them stink and actually make things worse. The best thing is to work on this stuff together, but one spouse can lead the other back. My wife didn’t love me, had an affair, wouldn’t talk to me, and was intent on divorcing me before I put this advice in to action. It took awhile and was very difficult, there were ups and downs, but after about a year of it the love was restored and now we are expecting another child together. Even if there is no infidelity involved I would highly recommend plan A to you:

No there is no infidelity but there is abuse. And I have tried many times to do the right thing and no matter how he’d hurt me I would let it go and be the best wife I could be regardless. The harder I tried to be a good wife, the worse he became.

marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Basically you have to take the high road and basically try to be a saint. So he was inconsiderate and cancelled your plans, getting upset with him makes it worse. Also I noticed you were upset he was still up with his nephew, if you said this to him he will take it as a judgement and become defensive. Definitely don’t accuse him of having mental health issues! He may have them but he needs to realize this for himself and the best way is to meet the angry outbursts with kindness. Basically he is hyper sensitive and you have to walk on egg shells to pull things back together so that the real healing can begin. You still seem to be in a state of conflict in your marriage but your dangerously close to heading in to withdrawl which would make things even more difficult.

marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html

You are in my prayers,
God Bless

I really appreciate your thoughtful post but everything you have suggested I have done. This was more than me being upset about him cancelling our plans. I was over that. But he used it as an excuse to punish me. He has done this many many times before and the same pattern has repeated. He’ll be horrible, ignore me, abuse me, I will try to calm him down, tell him I love him, then the abuse will get too much so I will be firm and tell him that I will not speak to him or have anything to do with him and a week or two later he will come back sorrowful and repentant.
But nothing changes, nothing gets better. It keeps happening and each time it gets worse.
The time before this one, he hit repeatedly me while our son was screaming in his arms, my mouth bleeding and I had to call the police.

 

[jules11]

:yup:

Jules, it doesn’t matter why

Thankyou. You’re so right. And I think that’s why today I feel such peace. I know this is out of my hands and there’s nothing more i can do. Only God can fix him, if it’s His will.

 

[jules11]

Thankyou everyone for your caring replies and for your prayers. I can feel the strength of them already. I am ok today. At least I’m not spending the whole day crying. I feel more positive and see that there is a future with or without him. I have my faith and that’s all I need.
And to dulcissima, it is very kind of you to pray for me when you have such struggles yourself. I will pray for you too. I know it’s been very hard on you as well.
I know that I will have the same in a few weeks/months. He will want us to get back together (although we are not living together anyway, but he will want to be back in my life) and by then I will be enjoying the peace.
Thankyou all.

 

[BlazingBolt]

BlazingBolt;

Nobody should ever have to “walk on eggshells” in their own home. Regardless of whether it is the man or the woman, if you are in fear for your physical or emotional safety in your own home, then somebody has to leave; either the abuser or the person who is being abused.

Nobody has to put up with this, and the Catholic Church in her wisdom tells abused spouses to get out of there pronto and make a safety plan for the children. (Canon Law 1153 - 1)

Somebody has left, they are currently seperated. I don’t know the whole history here so I may be out of line, but I only suggest walking on eggshells as way to get the marriage healthy again, not as a permanent solution and further I only mean it in the sense of avoiding “Love Busters”. They are in a state of conflict and clearly the husband has a bad habit of verbal abuse which must be changed and can be. Of course there is no excuse to verbally abuse someone, but considering that the marriage is in such bad shape that they are seperated and have been fighting for 3 years I can see where they both might have a short fuses. When it gets set off, grudges from everything in the past also figure in to it.

Abusive Marriages can be overcome especially when both spouses say they still love each other as these 2 do. There are six letters on abusive marriage that would be good reading starting here with #1
marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067a_qa.html

and 2 on angry outburst starting with #1 here
marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5006_qa.html

That having been said I think it should also be looked at from the husband point of view even if his actions were indefensible. Jules is guilty of some “Love Busters” too. The plans got changed, at first Jules is understanding and husband is sorry and contrite, but then the next time they talk she is upset with him, she may have every right to be but he probably takes this as a judgement and gets defensive and gets upset with her. I am would guess there is a history here that figures in to it as well. She saw it as minor, he didn’t. If his feelings were hurt then it was a big deal to him and that is all that matters. It is a judgement that to think he has no right to think it is a big deal. If someones feelings are hurt telling them they have no right to feel that way is just goint to make them more upset. Then there is messages including asking “are we going to start the new year fighting” which may have upset him even more since avoiding fighting is probably exactly what he may be trying to do and most likely a touchy subject wiht him. Then the telling message that shows what he is feeling, “Stay anry at me and leave me alone” This is a mess because it upsets Jules, but the reality is she wasn’t even upset before this message, but now she is. Perhaps this could have been an oppurtunity to say “I am not angry at all, sorry if I was upset earlier, I was just dissapointed because I wanted to spend some quality time together and am looking forward to it when your ready” or something like that. It was a mistake to make to be defensive and make a judgement “Get over it, it was minor, let it go” as this is only going to make him more upset. Inexcusable verbal abuse on his part followed but then another mistake is to tell him “your bigger than this”. Then full scale war, fighting back with threats probably also was not in the best interest of saving the marriage. Eventually he get’s over it and the roles are reversed, he wants to reconcile and wishes Jules would “just get over it” and she responds by attacking back and giving up.

There is definitely abuse going on, but that doesn’t automatically mean the marriage should be given up on although I don’t know the whole situation, only Jules does. Even Jules has some hope as she says “probably” headed for divorce. I haven’t heard anything to make me think that her marital problems are outside the scope of the marriagebuilders website and books. The next time you are both willing to give reconciliation a shot needs to be seized as an oppurtunity, be clear that verbal abuse will not be tolerated and get him to agree to a plan. The marriage builders plan is the best I know and the one that saved my marriage, try to introduce him to it and see if he will agree to try it.

I will definitely have you in my prayers Jules, may God’s will be done.

God Bless

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

Abusive Marriages can be overcome especially when both spouses say they still love each other as these 2 do…

That having been said I think it should also be looked at from the husband point of view even if his actions were indefensible. Jules is guilty of some “Love Busters” too…

Maybe you missed her post in which she stated: “The time before this one, he hit repeatedly me while our son was screaming in his arms, my mouth bleeding and I had to call the police.”

This is beyond the scope of marriage retreats, marriage counseling, or self-help books. I understand your desire to help others heal their marriages and I understand your desire to be charitable and give the man the benefit of the doubt. I agree with you that marriage is a sacred bond not to be taken lightly, and marriages should be saved if at all possible.

Because you are a good man, perhaps it is difficult for you to imagine what a real abuser is like. When a woman has been physically harmed by a man, it is nothing to play around with. It is a potentially deadly situation from then onward, both for her and her children.

I know you mean well, but please don’t ever recommend to any woman that she try to work things out with a physically abusive man. Please don’t ever imply to an abused woman that if she becomes a saint, her husband will change. Abuse victims stand a heartbreakingly high chance of being gravely hurt or even dying from taking that advice.

Please understand as well that the outlook for recovery is exceedingly grim for men who hit women. Statistically speaking, the abuser is almost certain not to change. Even specialized domestic violence therapy and anger management courses have an abysmally low success rate. The best psychologists in this field openly acknowledge that nothing works reliably to help these guys. In rare cases, the abuser takes the initiative and changes his entire life. This only happens when he freely accepts all the blame and does not seek to make the victim appear responsible in the slightest way for his outbursts. So you see, it would be a very bad idea for Jules to accept the blame for her tiny mistakes in the face of her husband’s overtly abusive behavior. The more blame she accepts, the freer her husband is to deny his responsibility. Also, it is not a hopeful sign when an abuser says he “really loves” his victim. Saying “I love you” is actually an intrinsic part of the cycle of abuse. Real love (which is evidenced by a reliable pattern of actions indicating goodwill toward another person) is something that abusers do not grasp unless they stop abusing.

I do applaud your zeal for marriages. I just hope and pray that you can understand that the great resources you have found cannot be safely applied in physically abusive situations. (Or for that matter, in cases of non-physical abuse involving extreme mental instability, “crazymaking” tactics, or manipulation.)

 

[jules11]

Perhaps this could have been an oppurtunity to say “I am not angry at all, sorry if I was upset earlier, I was just dissapointed because I wanted to spend some quality time together and am looking forward to it when your ready” or something like that.

Actually, that’s exactly what I did say. I said I wasn’t even angry and that I just wanted us to spend some time together. I know what you are saying but the thing is, one thing may work one day and not the next. I am constantly making strategic decisions about what to say and when to say it so as not to upset him. This time, I think he was determined to be upset no matter what I said or did.

It was a mistake to make to be defensive and make a judgement “Get over it, it was minor, let it go” as this is only going to make him more upset. Inexcusable verbal abuse on his part followed but then another mistake is to tell him “your bigger than this”. Then full scale war, fighting back with threats probably also was not in the best interest of saving the marriage. Eventually he get’s over it and the roles are reversed, he wants to reconcile and wishes Jules would “just get over it” and she responds by attacking back and giving up.

I only told him to get over it and to let it go as it is a common thing he says to me and I thought he could identify with the sentiment. But when he gets like this, he is unreachable and there is nothing I can do or say to make a difference. And I do not believe that it is mature or fair to make me wait days sometimes weeks until HE is ready to discuss it.

There is definitely abuse going on, but that doesn’t automatically mean the marriage should be given up on although I don’t know the whole situation, only Jules does. Even Jules has some hope as she says “probably” headed for divorce. I haven’t heard anything to make me think that her marital problems are outside the scope of the marriagebuilders website and books. The next time you are both willing to give reconciliation a shot needs to be seized as an oppurtunity, be clear that verbal abuse will not be tolerated and get him to agree to a plan. The marriage builders plan is the best I know and the one that saved my marriage, try to introduce him to it and see if he will agree to try it.

The thing is, I don’t think I want to try anything anymore. I’ve exhausted all possibilities and I don’t want to live with this constant turmoil anymore. It’s too hard to cope with children and to function as a mother. My children need me and although I feel sorry for my husband, as I think he is suffering more than I am, I can’t live my life with such uncertainty.
You see, he has other problems. He is very insecure and doesn’t trust and he has accused me many times of having affairs and has left me because he truly believed I had, when it was all in his mind. And although he seems to have gotten better with that lately and it doesn’t come up as much, (outright accusations, that is) I still don’t know when he will have an episode again.
I think he needs me more than I need him and he will be miserable, but he needs a psychiatrist. Of that I am sure. he needs medication and no amount of counselling or reading will change him when he just ‘snaps’.
I just can’t live with the fear anymore. He doesn’t even really see that he does any wrong.
He was more upset that his son came out and saw him beating me than he was for beating me. He was taken away by the police and had dna testing for a criminal register and he was more upset about his humiliation than for what he’d done to me.
He said that I brought it on and he said that it would happen again. So what on earth would I want to be with him for?
Only once or twice he showed remorse for hitting me. he said he threw up for 2 days after that, but I don’t know if it was because he felt bad for what he’d done or sorry for himself and the mess his life was in then.
Either way, he never takes responsibility for his actions. he always, always blames me somehow.
Like tonight, he said in a message, ‘there will come a day when you will regret this course of action and it will be too late. you are a fool’
What choice do I have? stay, have him think I need to be a better wife, not that he needs to be a better husband, only to be abused again?
I don’t deserve it. I don’t need it and will not put up with it anymore. I really don’t think anything but the Grace of God and a miracle can help us now.

I will definitely have you in my prayers Jules, may God’s will be done.

God Bless

Thankyou. I really need them.

 

[jules11]

BlazingBolt, I really do appreciate your posts, so I hope you don’t think I’m disregarding them. I appreciate all the advice and especially prayers from my ‘catholic family’. I will read the links you have given me and I understand what you are saying about our reactions and feelings.
I think the problem is that I never know from one day to the next what is going to set him off and sometimes it’s something he’s taken wrong or he’s in a bad mood and little things get blown up out of proportion. Sometimes it’s things he’s made up in his head. He’s so unpredictable and that’s the scary part.
An example, last April, I had a male friend of mine drop in. He was never a boyfriend or anything. Just a friend. He stayed for 15 mins. I hadn’t seen him in about a year. Of course, I was worried whether to tell my husband or hide it but I always thought honesty was the best policy. Well, I told him, he looked like he could kill and he left. He stayed at a friends place for a week, wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t discuss it, then threatend to leave me, actually came home and packed a suitcase and his stuff and left me for 3 weeks while all the time sending me abusive messages, calling me a liar over and over.
I had done nothing wrong. He wouldn’t belive me, no matter what I said.
It’s so hard to live with. I’m on edge most of the time around him as I’m scared of how he will take things. He is insanely jealous of a dear friend of mine who is a priest! There has NEVER been anything but a friendship but he would rather I had no friends and relied entirely on him for everything. That would be ok if he was reliable, but he’s not. I never know whether he’s going to be around from one week to the next. It’s just too hard.
Not that I have given up entirely. I am leaving it up to God to guide me in all this. I feel I can do no more.

But thanks again for your caring posts and especially for your prayers.

 

[BlazingBolt]

Like I said in my post, I was not aware of all the problems or even the physical abuse. Leaving the marriage is perfectly acceptable in abusive situations. The marriage builders site deals with these issues of abuse and how to handle them and that is not to say that they can always be overcome. Trust in God’s providence as you said you will be fine with or with out him as long as you have Christ in your life.

Still praying for you Jules,
God Bless

 

[BlazingBolt]

forgot to add, here is the start of 3 articles dealing with domestic violence:

marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5022_qa.html

 

[shirleytowers]

To me your husband sounds bipolar. The not sleeping at night is a definite symptom, as is the manipulative, crazy-making, illogical behavior. Check out this link emedicine.com/ped/topic240.htm

How old is your husband? What would his attitude be to treatment and medication?

Anyway, to me he is clearly mentally ill. Please take a little time to see if you can kind of peg what it is. (If I am right…)

And mind that I am not a professional in this field, but a person who is self educated. My ex is bipolar and so is a child of ours.

Does he have auditory hallucinations? Visual ones?

Just a few?–Could be bipolar type I

Does he have them often? could be schizophrenia

Is he often up and engergetic for a while, then down and depressed? Irrational and irresponsible? bipolar

Mostly depressed but seems irrational? Bipolar type 2

Does he have sleep issues? Could be bipolar or depression

Does he have rages? could be borderline or bipolar or both.

Is he an addict? What symptoms might he be self-medicating?

If he will not allow help, you may have to cut him loose. You can get an annulment. Sad, though, and you have my sympathy.

Knowing what is going on can be very empowering and give you a toehold on reality and a place to begin in deciding your course of action.

 

[katybird]

Well, the doctor we see, I don’t know well enough to ask him to speak to him.
I truly do wonder if he has a mental illness and I think he is starting to think it himself too.
I mean, his behaviour is just not normal. I just don’t know any normal married people that do this!

Normal people do not stay up for 48 hours, and normal people do not fly off the handle and say nasty things, then expect everything to be OK when their mood changes. He is definitely acting like someone with some sort of problem.

Why don’t you take a break from him and try not to interact with him at all for a little bit - even a few days - and try to get some counseling of your own? Start by talking to your priest.

I don’t think anybody can help you fix him, but you can get some good advice on what YOU can do to protect your sanity and you children.

 

[katybird]

The thing is, I don’t think I want to try anything anymore. I’ve exhausted all possibilities and I don’t want to live with this constant turmoil anymore. It’s too hard to cope with children and to function as a mother. My children need me and although I feel sorry for my husband, as I think he is suffering more than I am, I can’t live my life with such uncertainty.

I do understand your bitter disappointment at finding yourself at the point of giving up on a second marriage. I sympathize.

But, I do think that what you’ve said above is a GOOD THING. It’s a GOOD THING to finally reach the end of your tolerance for verbal abuse. God does not want you to be this man’s emotional punching bag. I’m not saying God wants you to get a divorce… I’m saying that He does not want you to put up with abuse. Realizing that you can’t do this, that you can’t take any more and that you can’t control your husband’s behavior means that you’re in the strongest position you’ve been in for a long time.

Some abusers are able to shape up and stop abusing. Most are not. It’s not YOUR FAULT if your husband is one of those who cannot. You can’t fix your husband. And, as you’ve finally realized, you also can’t tip toe on the eggshells carefully enough to maintain harmony.

You can get help in protecting yourself and your children, as well as help healing emotionally. Here is a good web site on verbal/emotional abuse:

drirene.com/verbalabuse.htm

 

[nana3]

Jules as you said you have been through hell and I think that leaving him was a wise choice and a divorce may be your only option now. I will admit, my husband has a terrible temper and some of the irrational thinking more when we were first married 8 years ago, but with medication he is a new man.
He still has a temper, but no more crazy talk or accusations. I thought I was going to lose my mind many times. I prayed and prayed and told my dh that if he wanted this marriage to work, he needed help and he did get the help. He is in anger management, seeing a psychologist and psychiatist and on medications. He is going to daily Mass now and weekly confessions, mostly for the anger and the graces this sacrament brings. I am very thankful to God that things did change for I would have wanted a divorce if things didn’t or if they got to physical abuse. All my dh has ever done is hit the walls and make holes, but never me and the two times he did this he was angry at his mother. He was abused as a child and teen by his parents, but mostly his mother. I wonder if your husband’s childhood was an abusive one? Not that it matters now for you and your children. You should not have to live in fear. Fear is not from God!

Stilll praying.

 

[jules11]

To me your husband sounds bipolar. The not sleeping at night is a definite symptom, as is the manipulative, crazy-making, illogical behavior. Check out this link emedicine.com/ped/topic240.htm

How old is your husband? What would his attitude be to treatment and medication?

Anyway, to me he is clearly mentally ill. Please take a little time to see if you can kind of peg what it is. (If I am right…)

And mind that I am not a professional in this field, but a person who is self educated. My ex is bipolar and so is a child of ours.

Does he have auditory hallucinations? Visual ones?

Just a few?–Could be bipolar type I

Does he have them often? could be schizophrenia

Is he often up and engergetic for a while, then down and depressed? Irrational and irresponsible? bipolar

Mostly depressed but seems irrational? Bipolar type 2

Does he have sleep issues? Could be bipolar or depression

Does he have rages? could be borderline or bipolar or both.

Is he an addict? What symptoms might he be self-medicating?

If he will not allow help, you may have to cut him loose. You can get an annulment. Sad, though, and you have my sympathy.

Knowing what is going on can be very empowering and give you a toehold on reality and a place to begin in deciding your course of action.

shirleytowers, I do think that he thinks he has something, just from a message I got the other day, I said i thought he was bipolar and he said ‘probably’. but he could have just been trying to humor me, I don’t know.
He is 43 years old and is a primary school teacher. The last few weeks of last term he worked continuously, sometimes til 5am to get reports done, and all the other work. He tends to do way too much and end up surviving on about 2-3 hours a sleep a night which explains why when he has the time to relax, he crashes.
He isn’t usually depressed, but he’s manic. Like I said he works very hard and very long hours when he doesn’t really need to. He puts 110% into his job and it seems like when he’s on holidays he just falls down.
He is irrational but not depressed that often. But he does think that I’m having affairs all the time. He does question me about simple things that most people would not worry about. He is aware of this problem and tells me that I have to ‘not make him jealous’, but that’s hard when something like a simple shopping expedition to him means I’m having an affair.

I know there is something terribly wrong and he needs to get help. I do have an advantage in that he does love me and that alone may be the only reason he gets help. Although I don’t think I even want to entertain the idea of all of this happening even one more time. It’s too much

 

[jules11]

Some abusers are able to shape up and stop abusing. Most are not. It’s not YOUR FAULT if your husband is one of those who cannot. You can’t fix your husband. And, as you’ve finally realized, you also can’t tip toe on the eggshells carefully enough to maintain harmony.

I know that this is what they say, but I don’t understand it really. My husband is a catholic, not a strong one as he came into the church because of me and he has never really taken his faith that seriously. But he does believe in God so I do hope he finds some comfort with Him.
Last July, after we had been separated for 3 months, he came back sobbing, begging me to take him back, saying that he would do anything, anything I wanted him to do. I said he needed to get help then and he agreed, only that he went twice and not again and only to a psychologist, not a psychiatrist. But I do wonder why he only displays his irrational behaviour with me and noone else. Every other part of his life would, from an outsiders point of view appear to be normal.
Anyway, I just think that anything that is not of God or disordered, CAN be fixed, but I guess, they have to want to fix it don’t they?
Thanks for your post and for your prayers

 

[jmcrae]

But I do wonder why he only displays his irrational behaviour with me and noone else. Every other part of his life would, from an outsiders point of view appear to be normal.

This is actually very typical of abusers. They know how to behave toward the outside world, and how to make it seem as though the abused person is the crazy one. That’s part of how they maintain control over their victims.

That’s why you just have to get out of that situation, and don’t worry about what other people think. You need to get to a place of safety with your kids, where he can’t get at you. Everyone is going to look at how normal he seems, and think that you are either crazy, or the Wicked Witch of the West. But you can’t worry about that - just get yourself and your kids safe. This could mean staying where you are and just changing the locks so that he can’t get in (and not letting him in when he comes over), or it could mean moving away without telling him where you are going.