Marriage help needed

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Okay, that’s good.
What I’m going to tell you is going to hurt…, and hurt a lot.

Please remember, my only reason is to save your marriage.
When I talk to you it’s from experience and empathy, not sympathy. (Empathy vs Sympathy - Difference and Comparison | Diffen)
MC_2019 said:
She said she needed someone that would be passionate about her or show affection towards her.
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She wasn’t talking about you.

She has met someone, someone you most likely know and has spoken highly of in the past.

This comes as a shock and seem sudden but believe me when I tell you, it’s been coming a long time. Women/wives store events differently than men.

While you have been neglectfully marching though your marriage on autopilot she has given up on you long ago and started turning offenses into bricks and now a wall.

Your wall is high. Only the top of her head is showing.

To be successful you’re going to need to remove each brick.
This is going to take TIME. At least two years or more. (That is if you’re not too late.)

Let’s get started.

Baby steps:
  • Everything you do to save your marriage is done in secret.
  • Stop all asking, reasoning and pleading. Become quiet, like you have a secret. You do!
  • Do not separate or leave the house! Instead, sleep on the couch.
  • Make no more suggestion to her about counseling, retrouvaille or anything you think may save your marriage! It’s won’t! It’s weakness and will drive her further away.
  • Become quiet and somewhat aloof. Loving, understanding (remember your vows), but somewhat aloof.
  • Start slowly becoming less predictable. Buy a new clothing item tomorrow, underwear is a great place to start. Something you normally wouldn’t buy. (I know… but you will soon understand. LoL)
  • Throw out some old underwear. Again do this quietly, without her knowing!
  • Weigh yourself and start paying attention to your eating. Eat to maintain a healthy weight, do NOT lose too much weight! (The brain burns huge amounts of energy during these things.)
  • Secretly purchase and read James Dobson’s “Love must be Tough” (Do not confuse Dobson, the inventor of TL with today’s watered-down, anger-laced knockoffs.)
Ask your questions.
Ret
 
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I think the above is terrible advice. You are not going to get closer to your spouse by withdrawing from her. Think about it.
 
Dear Irish/Jmmj

It’s advice that can’t be easily understood.
I too tried all the; am going to change, it’s got to be 50/50, so called professionals, secular books etc.

They didn’t work. She kept getting further and further away from me.

Unbeknownst to me at the time the hidden/understanding man was using them against me. (Wasted time by the left-behind is the true nail in the coffin.)

Desperate I finally turned away from all secular cure-all’s and tried what Dobson recommended.

She started moving back in my direction immediately.

Please read “Love must be Tough”

God Bless!
 
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Retsel said:
  • Secretly purchase and read James Dobson’s “Love must be Tough” (Do not confuse Dobson, the inventor of TL with today’s watered-down, anger-laced knockoffs.)
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This, and all of the advice, except that of sleeping on the couch, sounds like it is part of the “Red Pill” or similar mindset.
 
Did you read Dobson’s “Love must be Tough”?

If you won’t it’s not fair you to say you don’t understand.
My posts are to help OP not you.
 
Retsel said:
Did you read Dobson’s “Love must be Tough”
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I grew up Protestant so I have forgotten more of Mr. Dobson writings than I can remember. Read this one when I was in High School as part of a Protestant “Love, Sex and Marriage” Youth Group study.

The Catholic view of marriage is very different.
 
You’re not the only Catholic in the world.
Please stop hijacking this thread!
 
Responding to a thread is not “hijacking”. You suggested a person looking for Catholic advice go to a Protestant source.
 
I don’t know if it is really fair of you to project your situation onto the OP. I am sorry if your wife found someone else and was unfaithful, but that is not always the case. The OP said nothing about his wife doing this. And I think it is not helpful to add this to his worries at this time.
 
She is in no way hijacking the thread by disagreeing with what you seem to think is the only advice that matters, yours.
 
I think it’s a kind of a good term–“discovery period.”

My husband and I dated for six years before we got married, and “discovery” is a good way to describe that time.

I can see where if a couple just dated for a short while, or spent much of their dating period separated (e…g, military)–it would be tough to do all that discovering while being married and learning how to be a married couple.

My daughter and her husband (married 11 years now) dated for 7 years before marrying, and this started when she was 14. They are like old people now–so cute! That long dating time during their teen years was definitely a discovery period, and it did them both good.
 
Love Must Be Tough is an amazing book and very consistent with Catholic teaching.

I would recommend it the OP.

However, just reading won’t help a marriage.

My husband and I have been married 40 years this summer–happily married.

I recommend that the OP ask his priest to introduce him to a mature married man in his parish who is willing to “mentor him” and “train him” to be a better husband through a “discipleship” approach that will include prayer and perhaps fasting, but also lots of practical advice (e.g., the “mentor” might give the OP an assignment to clean the bathrooms from now on, prepare dinner at least once a week, take his wife out at least once a week to an activity that she loves (e.g., flea-market, winery, movie, walk around the block, museum, working out, etc.).

I do agree with you and others that the OP should probably not keep “secrets” from his wife. I think that the marriage the OP describes would be more hurt than helped with this strategy. I think this is the kind of thing that Evangelical Protestants are comfortable with, but Catholics might find it strange.

I think the OP should tell his wife that he has sought the help of their priest and that he will be working with “Mr. Super Husband” (real name, please) who is going to help him learn to be a better husband.

And I agree with everyone that the OP needs to accept and embrace the reality that the changes will be for a lifetime, not just for a while. No going back.

It’s good that the OP recognizes that he has gotten to the “heart attack” phase, and must change. Go with that! You’re right.

And be very, very patient with your wife. She has lost all faith, and I would probably not expect her to totally believe you and trust you for at least…3-5 years. There will be so many"triggers" that will scare her and make her think that you are reverting. It’s kind of like alcoholism–the non-alcoholic family members are scared for a long time that the sobriety is all a sham.

So be patient. It’s been 20 years–it will take several years to repair the damage.
 
Retsel said:
Baby steps:
  • Everything you do to save your marriage is done in secret.
Click to expand...
Sorry, but this is just creepy and weird.

The last thing that a troubled marriage needs is one spouse keeping a bunch more secrets from the other.

And “Throw out some old underwear?”
Pop psychology gunk.
 
I honestly don’t remember any of this stuff being in Dobson’s Love Must Be Tough.

OP, is it possible that you are interpreting, or should I say "misinterpreting, Dr. Dobson’s book? You have described that you have a difficult time relating to your wife and carrying through with promises, sticking to plans, and finding ways to demonstrate affection.

Do you think that perhaps you picked up on the “secrets” thing because of certain aspects of your personality that developed in a “flawed” way?

I’m actually wondering if you might possibly have Asperger’s, a syndrome that makes it hard for a person to interpret what others are saying, feeling, communicating, etc.? (We have two nephews with this syndrome.)

Are you willing to accept the possibility that Dr. Dobson never intended that couples should keep “secrets” from each other?

in a HEALTHY marriage, couples, by mutual agreement, might keep a secret about a surprise party, or a special date, or perhaps a gift that they are keeping until a special day (e.g., Christmas).

Another thing that couples in a health marriage do is have secrets between each other. E.g., when they say a certain phrase or word, they are telling each other than they can’t wait to get home and be alone so they can make love.

Dr. Dobson’ would definitely advocate this kind of “fun” secret-keeping between couples.

But I’ve read everything Dobson have ever writen multiple times, listened to his Focus on the Family show for years (and read his new show’s website often), and heard him speak in person. My husband and I raised our daughter “by Dobson’s methods,” and enjoyed childrearing and the results of his methods in our family and in our daughters.

I don’t think he intends for you to mystify your wife, who is already adversarial towards you. I repeat what I said in my previous post–you really need to find a “mentor” or “trainer” who can help you to understand some marriage-building concepts that you seem to be misinterpreting to the detriment of your marriage.

I’m in your corner. Don’t give up! This can work out, but you have to win your wife back, and it will be a lot of hard work on your part, using time-tested methods that good husbands have used for decades. Find that man who can teach you how to be a good husband and learn from him.
 
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Thanks for the information, Retsel, but I am not sure that would work well for me. It may have worked for you or others, but turning away/ignoring my wife is practically what got me into this situation. I need to do the opposite to make amends.

Thanks for the prayers Katie777 and everybody else.

I will say that I have attended daily mass the last two days and I felt a little more at peace when I left. Definitely something that I will continue.
 
Retsel said:
Okay, that’s good.
What I’m going to tell you is going to hurt…, and hurt a lot.

Please remember, my only reason is to save your marriage.
When I talk to you it’s from experience and empathy, not sympathy. (https://www.diffen.com/difference/Empathy_vs_Sympathy )

6472e5e64f70174288d202cc69d93cf79ed1c6c3.png
MC_2019:
She said she needed someone that would be passionate about her or show affection towards her.
Click to expand...
This sounds like “The Love Dare” from the movie Fireproof.

Maybe you could just suggest the OP and his wife see the movie or read the book (I think “The Love Dare” book is on the market) rather than trying to paraphrase it here. It can too easily be misunderstood and misinterpreted.
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Psalm30 said:
Maybe you could just suggest the OP and his wife see the movie or read the book
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Thanks for the reference but I can only recommend what I know.
Sadly, those in the fog of crisis rarely create an action plan to buy or read anything.

Thanks for Good!
 
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