Marriage help needed

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I think it’s the part about “doing things in secret” that has been misunderstood. Your reference may have borrowed it from the Fireproof movie, or maybe the movie borrowed it from your reference, or maybe it’s just a coincidence.

In any case, in the movie, the husband does things “secretly” for his wife so he doesn’t get the satisfaction of “looking good.” Doing things that aren’t noticed helps him learn to once again love his wife unconditionally and to make sacrifices for her without getting anything out of it for himself (not even a thank you or an acknowledgement). Eventually the wife catches on and notices the change in her husband — for example, she would go to the sink to start doing the dishes only to discover that her husband had already done them for her. Or she would go to sweep up a collection of crumbs under the kitchen table only to find that her husband had already cleaned up the mess. Then, she learns accidentally from a third party that her husband donated a large sum of money he had been saving to buy himself a boat he really wanted to the fund she was raising to get a hospital bed for her ailing mother’s home. All of these things showed her that he had truly changed and that he still loved her, and her trust in him was restored.

It really makes more sense to watch the movie, though.
 
Because my book is out on loan I can’t tell you the pages Dobson recommends secrecy, but yes, that’s where I first got the idea.

His thinking is, putting yourself 100% out there is a sign of weakness to wayward spouse. (Wayward wives despise weak husbands just as much as they dislike weak potential boyfriends.)

I’m talking about marriage in the throes infidelity, not an early on, neglect or bad habits marriage.
I work where the original marriage is dead and the new, three person nightmare has begun.

Hopefully the OP is still out there.
 
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Speaking from experience, I would advise against “moving out” at this point. If things had deteriorated greatly in you marriage, your absence might be a source of relief…hardly a good place to reconcile from. Instead, let her “relief” be because of you, not your absence…the little things you do for her daily. If there aren’t any (or they’re few and far between), fix that.

However, the “space” request is reasonable. Encourage her to enjoy her hobbies, and find a few pastimes yourself.

Not speaking from any theological or professional place, here. Just experience that reconciliation will be difficult if she can easily avoid your company.
 
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Clang74 said:
Speaking from experience, I would advise against “moving out” at this point. If things had deteriorated greatly in you marriage, your absence might be a source of relief…hardly a good place to reconcile from. Instead, let her “relief” be because of you, not your absence…the little things you do for her daily. If there aren’t any (or they’re few and far between), fix that.

However, the “space” request is reasonable. Encourage her to enjoy her hobbies, and find a few pastimes yourself.

Not speaking from any theological or professional place, here. Just experience that reconciliation will be difficult if she can easily avoid your company.
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Good advice Clang! ^^
Except I wouldn’t encourage her to find pastimes.

I believe she already has. 😟
 
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Just wanted to chime in. I have been going to noon Mass just about every day since Easter Monday as work and other things allow. Not sure if it has helped anything at home yet, but I do feel different than I did before.

I know what I can do to help the situation and what is outside my control. I used to be worried about the other stuff. Over the last two weeks or so I have been focusing on my changes and everything else is either with my wife or in God’s hands.
 
Good for you!

As they say, you can’t change other people, only yourself.
And if you can’t change a situation, change the way you think about it.
 
Mc, I read your original post and it could have been my husband writing it!
We’ve been married just shy of 27 years and also have an adult child with special needs.
4 months ago I moved out of our bedroom. I’ve been unwilling to “sweep things under the rug” any longer.
Same thing my husband always changes his actions/behavior just long enough to “get out of trouble”. Then we revert back into old habits. I’m D O N E! I’m no longer willing to be the person striving for communication, trying to create romance, repairing the foundation of our family.
I completely understood the statement about forcing unnatural changes. That’s where I am this past few months. I accept he doesn’t really want to change. I accept that he really doesn’t want to communicate with me or the kids. I accept the fact he doesn’t want to see a counselor to heal his wounds. I really truly do accept him as he is today. I think the past 27 years I’ve wanted him to want these things. Today I accept I love him and he can be exactly who he wants to be. I’m not going to try to change him. I can change ME though. I’m in AA and now Alanon. I see a biblically strong counselor. I can set boundaries. I can also make plans for a life that doesn’t include him. I’m still grieving what we’ve let die. It’s so dang sad. We are both good people that get along pretty well as roommates.

We signed up to drive 8 hours from home to go to Retrouvaille in PA from TN. I believed it was Holy Spirit led. I’ve been questioning that decision lately. I got the confirmation email and I was to post the second paragraph.

“We encourage you to stick with your decision to come to Retrouvaille. We hope you will not allow anything to turn you aside from this important decision. Often couples think it is either too late for them or when things seem a little better, they really don’t need help anymore. We urge you to put aside both extremes of thinking. Please honor your instinct and stay with your decision. Don’t be lulled into some false reasoning because things may have cooled down or blown up. Please stay with your decision to work on your relationship. We will do all we can to help you.
Please note there will be no group discussions.”

I’m the one that feels it’s too late and he feels like everything is fine because he tells me he loves me every day.

I think the Holy Spirit led the writer of that email to speak to me. I will go and I am praying to have an open mind. Maybe if it’s only to go so I know I’ve tried everything before I leave, I don’t know.

Thank you for your post. I’m going to pray for you and ask you pray for me as well.
Jill
 
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Also, one other note.

I have not and will not entertain the idea of another man to pay attention to me. It’s quite offensive to read the posts suggesting the wife is doing so.

I’m sorry for the poster that was cheated on but we don’t all do that.
 
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