The counselors and everyone else who say that the actual addiction has nothing to do with you are (most likely) absolutely correct. Not knowing how or when he got addicted, I can’t say for sure, but many men pick it up when they’re very young and it just grows from there. I’m sure there are countless ways that a guy gets from point A to point B so it would be wrong to take a guess at what went on with your husband. He almost certainly didn’t set out to pick up a porn addiction and probably spent years completely unaware of the fact that it was a problem.
However, anyone who claims that he wasn’t comparing you to all those women are full of hogwash. He absolutely was, whether he chose to or not. That’s what habitual porn use does to you. No matter how you looked, what you did to please him, to comply with his wishes and satisfy his desires, he still compared you with them and fantasized about them when he was with you. That’s not to say he didn’t fantasize about you as well. He certainly did–objectifying you, putting you in their place, etc. However, he also looked at your friends that way, as well as your sister, your cousins, the cashier at the grocery store, the lady walking her dog and that girl riding her bike; in fact, just about every female he saw, day in, day out. Much of the time it wasn’t even voluntary; those thoughts and images would just pop into his head. Still, there were plenty of times when it was intentional as well.
And as time went on, the more he objectified you (and the porn stars, and the waitresses, and the lifeguards, and your kids’ teachers), the less he thought about how it would upset and affect you (if that ever entered his head at all, which it most likely didn’t since we’re taught so much these days that there’s nothing wrong with porn and it’s the people opposed to it who have a problem). Through no fault of your own, you got to be less and less “sufficient” for him. There was nothing you or any woman could have done to measure up to his fantasies. What he did think about was how the pictures and videos he used to like weren’t turning him on anymore, and he had to seek out more and more extreme/depraved videos to give him the thrill he used to get from the tamer stuff. He also thought about different ways to trick, guilt or cajole you into either watching the videos with him, doing the things he saw in those videos, or both. He likely spent a good deal of time dealing with the frustration of “performance issues” (which he likely blamed on you), especially if he had an occasional moment of conscience and did his best to only think about you. Although he assured you and himself that he didn’t have a problem, he likely spent a good deal of time figuring out how to hide the videos, setting up hidden folders in obscure subfolders on the computer (possibly password protected), using multiple browsers so you didn’t stumble across his bookmarks, and figuring out the best hiding places in the basement, garage, hall closet, etc. for the stuff he really didn’t want you to see.
The first time you confronted him about it, told him you were uncomfortable with it or asked him to stop, he wondered what your problem was and what happened to the fun-loving girl he married. He tried to placate you and tell you that it wasn’t a big deal, that it was perfectly normal/natural, and that none of those girls meant anything to him. Heck, you were the one he went to bed with every night, so that ought to tell you something. Unless you caught him in the act, he told you that he never did more than just watch the videos or look at the pictures, and if you did catch him he had excuses for that as well. He figured if he could just convince you that there was nothing wrong with it, then everything would be fine.
Obviously at some point he did realize it was a problem and is now, hopefully, doing his best to get past it. If you want to know how to recover from it, it’s just as important to know what’s going on in his head now as before. There’s likely a lot of shame, guilt and embarrassment. There’s probably also some anger: with whomever introduced him to it in the first place, with the people who produce it and possibly with you for not doing something about it sooner. The good news, though, is that if he has truly gotten over it, he also has a lot of hope and optimism going through his head. He’s seeing things differently than he has in years, including you. Instead of one of a thousand objects there for his gratification, you’re now the only woman in his life. You’re the only one he’s intimate with, and when he closes his eyes, you’re the only one he sees. Being with you now is an entirely new and much better experience than he ever could have imagined. Whereas before, nothing you did was quite enough for him, now just holding your hand or stroking your hair is a huge thrill. He’s going to want to do everything he can to show you how sorry he is and make up for what he’s done. There may be some setbacks, and it will likely take years for him to regain your trust (you’ll feel uneasy whenever he’s around an attractive woman; get upset with him if you catch him watching a risque scene in a movie, even if it’s one you picked out; and wonder whether he’s really just checking his email), but every moment he’s with you will make it easier on him. With a lot of love, time and dedication, it will get easier on you as well.
It’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that my husband - MY HUSBAND! - did such a thing. I just never expected it. Well, obviously. I’m sure no one does. Anyway, thank you again to all for your prayers and your responses.