Marriage hurt by pornography

[The_Bucket]

My husband’s brain has been rewired from the porn use, but it is possible for him to overcome the addiction. Sometimes, other women will catch his eye, but it has nothing to do with me and more to do with his biological makeup, and he - assuming he is taking responsibility for his recovery - can choose to put that thought aside in favor of our marriage, which in the end will be more satisfying for him spiritually and thus will motivate him to stay away from the porn. Is that about right so far?

Yes.

Here’s where I still get confused. It was said earlier that porn addicts ARE comparing those images to their wives. Does this mean that all those women in the future who “catch his eye” will be compared to me? If that’s the case, of course I’ll always fall short. I don’t know how to reconcile myself to that - a lifetime of competing with every hot babe who passes by? Am I destined to be a disappointment to my husband?

I don’t know how it is for everyone but I honestly did not consciously compare my wife to anyone. The problem was my subconscious was screaming “she won’t do X or wear Y or do Z to make herself more attractive to you! She doesn’t really love you!”

I never thought my wife was less beautiful because of the images I saw, but I mean, basically men can find anything out there on the Internet that pushes the button(s) they most desire. Some of those buttons are not even disordered but just preferences; the big issue becomes when the addict associates those preferences with love and when his mate doesn’t do those things or act a certain way or whatever, he interprets that with a lack of love. Then you go from just committing sins to actively destroying your marriage because you start lashing out due to both shame AND anger because you’re not feeling loved and you don’t think you deserve love. It’s a vicious cycle in the truest sense.

So while I was never consciously thinking “she doesn’t measure up” I was hearing “she doesn’t love you” from Satan and my subconscious. I don’t know which is relatively better or worse but that’s what was happening with me.

As for the last part of your inquiry, take heart with what Gordon has to say. And remind yourself that sometimes men will wonder if their wives, when they see attractive and/or successful and wealthy individuals, are comparing them to those “better” men. This is where the trust factor comes into play for all couples.

I’m sorry if I’m being really dense. I’m just trying really hard to get to a place where I don’t feel like dirt - it’s hard to be the loving, supportive spouse I know I need to be when I feel this way.

That’s the killer problem now, isn’t it? You feel horrible because you’re a victim but the nature of the sin makes you think you’re also in some way responsible! Or that since you can help in his recovery, if you were a better wife he would not have fallen in the first place! This is just not true. You can help and support him but you are not responsible for his sin or his recovery. That’s up to him and really all he needs to do is turn his life over to God. Way easier said than done of course but it seems like he’s off to a good start.

THANK YOU again to all for your kindness in sharing your personal stories. It means a lot to me that you are all willing to share about something so sensitive.

The final “step” in recovery programs is to spread the message to others. And in my experience, the more I focus on other people in general, the less time I have for this evil and the more I grow in virtue. After all, Christ was focused entirely on others. Should I not follow His example? And if I do, will that not better ensure I am preserved from this sin that has selfishness and shame at its root? So I guess I am doing this for myself in a way, but at least I’m doing it the right way.

 

[Marguerite17]

Having written a good bit about the results of research on the brain, I want to add something else as a corrective. The body and soul are a unity, and they affect each other in ways which even the latest science doesn’t understand. God is always in control and He never abandons those who are struggling to escape from the effects of their past mistakes. Divine grace has a transforming effect for those who sincerely open themselves to it, and the resulting changes in the soul can have an effect on the body as well. This is something that no scientific research will ever be able to quantify, but the reality of it cannot be doubted.

So my message to you, Marguerite, is don’t give up hope! You and your husband are in the hands of the Lord. Be grateful for the fact that your husband has repented and is trying to amend himself. The life of faith consists, to a great degree, in always finding the good things to be thankful for and bearing patiently with those things that are difficult to accept; trusting that in eternity we will be able to see how God brings good out of all painful situations for those who love Him and trust in Him.

Pax.

I may just print this out! I do tend to be a negative thinker, and it would do my whole family good if I could just hang onto hope! Thank you for the encouragement.

I agree with this. I wish I had that article in front of me (the one that talks about the “use it or lose it” brain) but I don’t remember it saying that these changes are irreversible. My take was that the brain retains its capacity for change as long as we are alive. A serious addiction makes it difficult to change into a different direction, but not impossible. If the person is successful in avoiding the undesirable behavior, the brain will slowly “reformat” itself accordingly.

And praise God for that!

That’s the killer problem now, isn’t it? You feel horrible because you’re a victim but the nature of the sin makes you think you’re also in some way responsible! Or that since you can help in his recovery, if you were a better wife he would not have fallen in the first place! This is just not true. You can help and support him but you are not responsible for his sin or his recovery. That’s up to him and really all he needs to do is turn his life over to God. Way easier said than done of course but it seems like he’s off to a good start.

**Also something I needed to hear. Sometimes I get overwhelmed feeling like I have to keep him from ever feeling bad (which is when he used to turn to porn in the past), but you are right that I am not responsible. I just need to find that balance where I’m supporting but not controlling. **

The final “step” in recovery programs is to spread the message to others. And in my experience, the more I focus on other people in general, the less time I have for this evil and the more I grow in virtue. After all, Christ was focused entirely on others. Should I not follow His example? And if I do, will that not better ensure I am preserved from this sin that has selfishness and shame at its root? So I guess I am doing this for myself in a way, but at least I’m doing it the right way.

**I think it’s no less than a spiritual work of mercy. Satan really knows how to exploit the differences between men and women. I think any woman dealing with a spouse’s porn addiction is going to perceive it as a rejection of herself, even though, as my husband says, he really compartmentalized it in his mind and didn’t connect it with me. Hearing the perspective of other men who are winning the battle (and it IS a huge spiritual battle) helps to bridge that divide and bring us back to common ground. And, as I said before, it just gives hope. **

 

[hurting_husband]

My wife is going through the same thing sadly. Been a few months but we’re getting back on track.

My addiction traces back, as it does with most people, to the teenage years. Stumbled across my dad’s stuff and it all went downhill from there. I “broke” it for a few years during the courtship and earliest years of my marriage but basically I was distracting myself from the underlying problems. I never really addressed it. Just filled my life up with tons of activities and didn’t have time or the inclination anymore.

Then some serious grown-up stuff hits my young family and I fell right back into it. And this time I was hiding it from someone other than my parents. I loved my wife but I knew I was hurting her because I saw what happened to my mother. I just didn’t care enough to stop. It’s not that I didn’t love her anymore so I didn’t stop, it’s that I was too scared, too ashamed and hated myself too much to even try. I figured that if I made extreme efforts to stop she’d find out and then leave. I didn’t understand love at all, not truly; I barely have any real comprehension of it now but I know enough to say that I should never have been so scared. I should have followed Christ’s command and taken courage.

Yeah well… she did find out and she did leave for awhile much like your case. But instead of despairing, I had a lot of prayer from others SHOVE me into turning my life around. I’m at daily Mass most days. I frequent confession. I joined a group for addicts. I go to adoration once a week. I say the Rosary daily. I turned my fear, anxiety, anger and all my shortcomings over to God. And the greatest revelation, the thing that keeps me going, is knowing that despite my sin… GOD STILL LOVES ME!

And amazingly my wife still loves me. So does the rest of my family and even my in-laws. They’re certainly not “OK with it” but they still love me. And I’m not OK with it either; that’s why I’ve been “sober” as it were for months now. I’ve also tossed out my old computer and given the electronic keys to my wife for the new one. I basically only use a computer at home in front of her and that’s fine with me. No shame, no guilt, no embarrassment.

As horrible as it was, I praise God that I was found out. It has saved my soul, saved my wife’s sanity and saved our marriage. It has given me an opportunity to fulfill my vocation of being a good father, a good example of a man to my younger brothers and maybe even an example for my own father so he can finally break his own chains. But I can only do that if I repeatedly turn my life over to Christ every day and walk in His example. To him be all the credit and praise, but it is possible to get out of this terrible ditch.

I have to tell you you story is inspirational to me and I pray that I am blessed with such a story. I am a sex addict. I didn’t know it until, 4days ago when my wife found the ATM receipt in the laundry. Of course she asked about it and being stupid I lied at first. Eventually it wore me down and confessed. The next day she asked about what did I use the money for. I told her for strip clubs and she lost it.i lied again about how many times and she then wanted to see the bank statements. I then finally came clean and showed her everything online. I been praying and soul searching and randomly picked up a book on sex addiction and it blew me away. I am that addict. Reading another book to help me nderstand the boundaries of marriage now.

I know I sound horrible. I lied and hurt the one women I am supposed to protect. And I will pay for my sins. I went to my pastor and by gods good grace catholic charities had a counslor there to take my appointment next week. So we got connect and I am hopeful. I am certain my wife will leave me with our two little ones.

My wife and I main issue is communication. You see we never to got to know each other. Work, work, kids, school, life always made us have excuses to not get close. Over the course of 5 years it put a distance to my wife and I. We have been intimate only 10 times in 4 years and with that she never encouraged me and often wanted me to stop within minutes. We never really kissed, I couldn’t snuggle with her, or hug her. She had to be n control. I felt rejected and my ego and self esteem was low.

I take responsibility for my actions as I made the choice with no regard to her and the kids. I pray, on my knees often asking for forgiveness, and put my marriage in gods hands now.

 

[louisak]

I have to tell you your story is inspirational to me and I pray that I am blessed with such a story. I am a sex addict.

Hello “hurting husband” and welcome to the forums! You have found a good place, you will find people here care about you and will do their best to support you. You will read stories of men who had fallen into the depths just as you have, but were able to climb out of it with God’s help, and save their marriages.

Based on what you have written, however, it does seem like your wife may have some issues as well - although what you wrote is sketchy and could be interpreted in different ways. But you said that your wife did not encourage intimacy and always had to be in control - that doesn’t sound good. Some marriage therapy may be in order. However, if your wife is not open to that right now, don’t fight it - just focus on getting help for your addictions.

You said you are certain your wife will leave you with the two little ones, but has she actually said she would leave you, or is that just your fears talking? If she does talk about leaving, make sure she knows that men can recover from sex addiction, especially with counseling. She will need time to recover from the shock, however, and to get a handle on her feelings about the whole situation. Give her the time she needs, as long as she isn’t taking any drastic steps.

I will be praying for you and you can be sure that many other folks on this forum will be as well. Make sure you rely on God, our Blessed Lady and your Guardian Angel. They all love you more than you can possibly imagine, but you need to pray daily and ask for their help in order to get the most help. If at all possible, pray the rosary every day and fast on a regular basis. Fasting helps to make atonement for our sins and it strengthens the will (I have seen this in my own life).

God bless you and don’t get discouraged!

 

[The_Bucket]

HH,

Thanks for having the courage to say something, even in an anonymous forum. I hope it was cathartic.

louisak is right and it does sound like your wife has issues she needs to deal with but you can’t concern yourself with that right now. You need to fix you. More accurately, you need to let go and start letting God fix you. Get to a meeting in your area. Open up other books besides those on sex addiction. Try Imitation of Christ. It’s been invaluable to me. I’d also suggest “Surrender” by Fr. Larry Richards. That’s a very conversational book for times when you don’t feel connected to something like Imitation.

Obsessing over being an addict isn’t good which is why I suggested branching out with spiritual reading beyond just addiction books, which you should also, of course, read.

If you haven’t yet, get to confession. Posthaste. Then get to Mass as often as you can.

My week consists of going to Mass at least three times a week, meeting for my addiction once a week, adoration right after that meeting, a scripture-study men’s group once a week, at least one Rosary daily and at least five minutes of spiritual reading daily. I also get to confession at least once a month. It’s actually not that hard and my life is NOT focused entirely on beating addiction. It’s focused on growing in virtue.

I encourage you to reorient your life towards God and towards the service of others. Realize that you do indeed have value because you are a child of God. Your life of service should not be in atonement because you are such a bad person, but because we are all called to be instruments of God’s peace. Recognize that you are powerless over your addiction and over your own life but take courage! We are ALL powerless and nothing without God. You are not some exception to the rule. You are the rule; it’s just more obvious in your case and in my case.

Good luck and God bless.

 

[louisak]

We are ALL powerless and nothing without God.

Amen!

 

[lily20]

My husband is a recovering pornography addict. It has severely damaged our marriage, and I often feel hopeless that we’ll ever have a happy marriage again. He’s doing his part, praise God, but my pain is still deep. I have two questions:

1. For the husbands out there who have been in the same boat, maybe you can shed some light on this one. I keep hearing (from counselors, etc.) that my husband’s pornography use had nothing to do with me, that it wasn’t a reaction to the way I look (or don’t look), that he wasn’t comparing me to all those women, but that makes no sense to me. It seems like if he loved me, if I’d been sufficient for him, he would not have done this. So for the husbands who have been there … can you explain what went on in your heads? I just don’t get it.
2. For wives who have forgiven … please tell me a success story! Anything. Tell me something hopeful. Is it possible to recover from this? How did you do it?

My husband was looking at porn while I was pregnant and I have forgiven him 100% because I took pretty much a vow of Chastity for a year so it doesn’t bother me anymore because spirit is stronger than flesh. He saw the value in chastity but he can’t abstain like me. He is more chaste than he used to be though. I’m not saying by a ton but it’s better and he looks at less porn.

Also I separated from him once I saw the porn, which helped me to recover.

 

[The_Bucket]

My husband was looking at porn while I was pregnant and I have forgiven him 100% because I took pretty much a vow of Chastity for a year so it doesn’t bother me anymore because spirit is stronger than flesh. He saw the value in chastity but he can’t abstain like me. He is more chaste than he used to be though. I’m not saying by a ton but it’s better and he looks at less porn.

Also I separated from him once I saw the porn, which helped me to recover.

Far be it from me to make any negative presumptions in regards to sexuality, but do you mean you took a year off from relations with your husband for no reason? Because that’s not healthy for anyone. The marital relationship is inherently sexual. That’s what distinguishes it from other relationships and why people who are literally unable to have sex cannot be married.

I apologize if I’m presuming something not there, I’m just saying that abstinence from sex in a marriage is not chastity anymore than sex every day in marriage is chastity. Both can be expressions of that virtue and both can not be expressions of that virtue.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Here is a website that one of the previous forum members may have referred to, and the page that gives you research about how using pornography has a real, PHYSICAL effect on our brains. I say “our” because women use porn too.

The Porn Effect - Research

This is a very important thread. I’ve had tears in my eyes reading through many of the responses to the OP’s heartfelt questions. You will all be in my prayers. It is a very difficult time for men to stay chaste, it is like a perpetually hungry person being shoved in the door of a bakery and being told, “It’s all FREE! Eat your fill!” Well, that may not be a great analogy, but you get the idea. Technology has taken the dingy little store where men had to sneak in, and brought it right into our living rooms and the workplace, and practically propped men’s eyes open to see it.

You will all be in my prayers. Thanks for being so honest.

 

[Tighty_Whitey]

Very good thread. I look forward to making a substantive reply when I have time. Peace, g

 

[louisak]

Technology has taken the dingy little store where men had to sneak in, and brought it right into our living rooms and the workplace, and practically propped men’s eyes open to see it.

Sad but true. Although, there were a couple of intermediate steps in the process. First was the appearance of the VCR, which made it easier for men (or women) to see pornographic films. Then was the development of cable TV - you didn’t even need to drive to the video store any more, just call your cable company and subscribe to the porn channels. The development of Internet porn is just the latest step in the process.

I followed the link to that web site on porn. I don’t know if it was the same one I saw before, but there are links to some good articles. Warning: if you have children, the information you will find here is terrifying! Just one quote to give you the idea:

“The researchers findings give further credence to the conclusions of Canadian filmmaker Sharlene Azam, whose 2009 documentary Oral Sex is the New Goodnight Kiss documented girls as young as 11 going to sex parties and having intercourse with multiple partners. Azam attributed teenage hypersexual behavior to porn consumption.”

I have three girls ages 10 years, 5 years, and 6 months…I used to think I didn’t have to worry about Internet porn because only boys are affected by it. Boy was I wrong! It makes me shudder. God have mercy on us all. I wonder how long our society can even survive this way?

 

[hurting_husband]

" is right and it does sound like your wife has issues she needs to deal with but you can’t concern yourself with that right now. You need to fix you. More accurately, you need to let go and start letting God fix you. Get to a meeting in your area. Open up other books besides those on sex addiction. Try Imitation of Christ. It’s been invaluable to me. I’d also suggest “Surrender” by Fr. Larry Richards. That’s a very conversational book for times when you don’t feel connected to something like Imitation. "

Thank you for the kind words and guidance. Brought to tears to my eyes as I was waiting at my church waiting to talk to my pastor. I couldn’t agree more that I needed to fix myself more. It also has made me pray for my wife to help ease her suffering since she really is innocent as well.

She may leave me since she stated she doesn’t know if she could be married to someone within addiction of any sorts. There are some past and existing issues there with her own family. All I said n response is that we should go for spritual guidance at our church and she needed to talk to our pastor as well.

My meeting with the pastor really was helpful. He reminded me this is an addiction. A very real and ugly addiction and like someone addicted to alcohol the things I did were not from my heart and I needed counseling and a support group. More importantly to give my wife the gift of time for to forgive is divine. The lord may forgive me for my sins immediately but as mortals we need time to get there.

Thank you for your prayers and look forward to continuing to participate in this forum. It has been helpful and I will read the suggested titles mentioned.

Glory be to God.

 

[Marguerite17]

My husband was looking at porn while I was pregnant and I have forgiven him 100% because I took pretty much a vow of Chastity for a year so it doesn’t bother me anymore because spirit is stronger than flesh. He saw the value in chastity but he can’t abstain like me. He is more chaste than he used to be though. I’m not saying by a ton but it’s better and he looks at less porn.

Also I separated from him once I saw the porn, which helped me to recover.

I just want to note that it’s never OK to look at porn - the nature of it is that a little leads to a lot, and it’s really dangerous to think that it can be controlled, or that in “moderation” it’s not that bad. It’s all evil.

And Bucket already addressed the chastity issue, so I’ll just add that all of us are called to chastity no matter our vocation or state in life. Think of it as sexual purity.

I have three girls ages 10 years, 5 years, and 6 months…I used to think I didn’t have to worry about Internet porn because only boys are affected by it. Boy was I wrong! It makes me shudder. God have mercy on us all. I wonder how long our society can even survive this way?

I have the exact same reaction. And the fact that my own husband has fallen prey makes me that much more frightened for my children. At least I’m aware, though. Where once there was darkness, now there is light.

Thank you for the kind words and guidance. Brought to tears to my eyes as I was waiting at my church waiting to talk to my pastor. I couldn’t agree more that I needed to fix myself more. It also has made me pray for my wife to help ease her suffering since she really is innocent as well.

She may leave me since she stated she doesn’t know if she could be married to someone within addiction of any sorts. There are some past and existing issues there with her own family. All I said n response is that we should go for spritual guidance at our church and she needed to talk to our pastor as well.

My meeting with the pastor really was helpful. He reminded me this is an addiction. A very real and ugly addiction and like someone addicted to alcohol the things I did were not from my heart and I needed counseling and a support group. More importantly to give my wife the gift of time for to forgive is divine. The lord may forgive me for my sins immediately but as mortals we need time to get there.

Thank you for your prayers and look forward to continuing to participate in this forum. It has been helpful and I will read the suggested titles mentioned.

Glory be to God.

Hurting Husband, good for you for getting help. Your reaction to your wife’s discovery sounds much like my own husband’s. He denied at first, but then confessed and went to church and turned things around pretty quickly. I never did leave my husband, and that was only because I knew the children (we have several little ones) would be devastated. He’s actually great with the kids, minus the fact that he brought porn into their home.

Anyway, I wanted to share a couple of things, from a wife’s perspective, that might help you. Although we never separated, I still was desperate for space, just some room to sort things out in my mind. Just seeing him in the morning triggered all the debilitating feelings of pain, and I think I cried more in those first weeks than I’d cried in my whole life prior. I told him I hated him (and I meant it), and I slept in a separate room because there were times I could hardly breathe lying next to him in bed. Thinking about the porn just made me sick. It still makes me sick. But despite all my yelling and avoiding, I needed to know that he loved me, because his actions (the pornography) sure said the opposite. And so every day, he told me he loved me, even as I ignored him and refused to say it back. He buys me flowers all the time. He’s completely attentive, he listens to me, he looks for ways to help me. He asks me to pray with him (which he NEVER did before). Whenever I lament that we will never ever heal from this, he reminds me that we will. And I think that’s why our marriage has survived the past several months. When you looked at the porn and went to the strip clubs or whatever, what you were saying to your wife was that you didn’t love her, she wasn’t enough for you, and you CHOSE all those other women over her. Now you have to tell her the opposite - with your actions. CHOOSE her every day.

It does sound like you both have a lot of issues to work through, so I’d recommend a good Catholic psychologist too. That will also give your wife a safe outlet.

And a book my husband has found helpful … Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker.

Many prayers for you and your family.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I just want to note that it’s never OK to look at porn - the nature of it is that a little leads to a lot, and it’s really dangerous to think that it can be controlled, or that in “moderation” it’s not that bad. It’s all evil.

I see no difference between “occasionally” using pornography and occasionally hiring prostitutes. If you hold fast to a similar moral equivalency, it’s much easier to keep the porn in its proper perspective.

When you looked at the porn and went to the strip clubs or whatever, what you were saying to your wife was that you didn’t love her, she wasn’t enough for you, and you CHOSE all those other women over her. Now you have to tell her the opposite - with your actions. CHOOSE her every day.

On a similar note, I read something a while back that said that love is a choice you make every day. If you wake up each morning, look at your spouse and make a conscious decision to love them just as much as the day before, no matter what they did to upset you and no matter how bad the fight was the night before, then your marriage and all the or worses that come with it will be happier and much easier to deal with. The fact that we end most nights with the Rosary, and I start each day with a commitment to love her and please her just as much now as when we were two lovestruck teenagers has made a world of difference.

 

[Tighty_Whitey]

I see no difference between “occasionally” using pornography and occasionally hiring prostitutes. If you hold fast to a similar moral equivalency, it’s much easier to keep the porn in its proper perspective.

.

I understand that you may have a motivation for placing occasionally viewing porn on the same level with hiring prostitutes but such would not be appropriate for a spouse in determining what is to become of a marriage. Therefore a person’s motivation to stay sexually sober while commendable is not the same as a spouse trying to understand how big of a problem they are facing in their marriage.

 

[Tighty_Whitey]

I admire your courage and your willingness to work on your marriage. I am hopeful that your marriage will weather this storm and become much more vibrant than you previously experienced. I truly believe that it can be better than before since there will be more honesty, openness and intimacy. The issue of intimacy is one that hasn’t been discussed in too much detail so far in this thread and as a man in recovery from this addiction, (four years of serious heavy lifting behind me), I believe it to be central to understanding the addiction, so I’m going to try to give you a charcoal sketch of an addict’s emotions. (I think that Gordan Sims’ post #12 above, is a very good candid snapshot of an addicts’ lust.)

Sex/porn addiction has its roots in a desire to not be known by anyone. Often, (and that’s and understatement), the addict is involved in a cycle of SHAME and SELF-LOATHING that causes the addict to want to isolate and to further escape into the addiction with behaviors usually becoming more and more extreme.

The use of sex or pornography is to escape the world and to numb-out and by doing so an addict is robbed of any true emotional response to the world. I think that Lily20’s post, #47 above, is a good illustration of this: Birth of Child – Addict uses Porn. Here are some more: Get job promotion – addict uses porn, lose job – addict uses porn, honeymoon in Hawaii – addict uses porn, wife doesn’t do the laundry – addict uses porn, return from family vacation – addict uses porn, parent dies – addict uses porn.

When a person isn’t emotionally present they don’t have a true connection with anyone and the addict is never “PRESENT”. This is why your question, “If he loved me, I’d be sufficient for him, he would not have done this”, while logical kinda misses the mark. An addict’s notion of love is very peculiar since the very notion of being very close, ie: letting yourself be seen, known, exposed, LOVED is very scary for the addict since they really want to isolate, withdraw and hide. One thing that the addict knows for sure is that, “If you knew them, you wouldn’t want to be around them.”

Addicts struggle with TRUST, they really think that God got it very wrong and they KNOW they are not worthy of forgiveness. Since addicts likely don’t trust God, then why would they trust anyone? Not surprisingly an addict couldn’t trust their mom or dad so learning that it is okay to trust takes time. Therefore being in love with an addict is sorta like trying to love someone that is wearing a full coat of armor and they’ve got a shield up with a sword.

I am glad that people directed you to COSA meetings so that this sketch can be filled in as there is so much more to say.

Peace, g.

 

[louisak]

Sex/porn addiction has its roots in a desire to not be known by anyone.

I think that is too much of a generalization. Given the omnipresent nature of porn these days, any man can easily become addicted. It is not confined to a particular personality type.

 

[The_Bucket]

TW, you could not be more right. Personally I did not respond to GOOD things in my life by withdrawing and using, but negatives? Oh yes indeed. Once I crossed back over that threshold, I needed it for daily life. I woke up early every day so I could go downstairs and flip the computer on.

And of course, no man who believes that what he is doing is wrong wants to connect with anyone. I nearly told my wife explicitly those words: “If you really knew who I was, you wouldn’t love me.”

The absurd thing is that I never took the advice I gave to my father as a 16-year-old. I told him that he is not a terrible human being. He is a man who did terrible things. And my goodness did he ever; things I did not know about until very recently and things I still cannot really reconcile in my head.

The truth, however… God’s truth… is that we are all children of God. We are all equal in His eyes. We are all equally nothing without Him and we are all equally everything with Him. Our addictions, our faults, our sins, these are NOT who we are. If we need the “addict” label to keep us out of sin, that’s ok. I know I still do. But underneath it all we are beloved children of God. That is our true identity.

Addicts are generally scared. Scared of everything. I know I was. Every shadow made me jump. Every change in my life made me freak out. I have no idea how I ever asked my wife to marry me or moved jobs or had kids. There was a long period of time when I was sober from actions during my courtship and first part of my marriage. But I was still scared to death constantly because I knew what was in the background. And I never accepted Christ’s love for me. Not really anyway.

I think the last few months are the first time I’ve ever felt like a “real man” as it were. Like I can deal with what life throws me. And, of course, all I had to do to get to that point was give up complete and total control of my life to God.

 

[Tighty_Whitey]

I think that is too much of a generalization. Given the omnipresent nature of porn these days, any man can easily become addicted. It is not confined to a particular personality type.

My focus is really on addiction. Addiction involves obsessive compulsive behaviors that are increasingly more intense and is characterized by the addicts inability to stop the behavior even in light of extremely negative consequences of the behavior. Having met many hundreds of men that battle this addiction, it is a characteristic that they would agree suits them.

 

[louisak]

My focus is really on addiction. Addiction involves obsessive compulsive behaviors that are increasingly more intense and is characterized by the addicts inability to stop the behavior even in light of extremely negative consequences of the behavior.

You originally wrote “Sex/porn addiction has its roots in a desire to not be known by anyone.” It sounds like what you are trying to say is really the reverse - the desire to avoid being known is a consequence of the addiction, not its cause.