Marriage in Turmoil

[Momma5]

Gosh, your initial posting sounds I like could have written it a few years ago…

Your husband definitely needs individual counseling. Thank God that you’ve already seen that you are NOT responsible for his behavior. Your efforts to improve yourself are a great blessing to your children

Incidentally, you may want to check out the Forum discussion : “catholic married to a non catholic with narcissistic personality disorder”, you might see some similarities here.

I stayed in abusive relationship for over 10 years because I had more fear of being a single mom and what the divorce court battles would entail. Someone in our situation has to weigh heavily which is worse: to be married to an abuser or separated from one? In my case, I let material comfort and ostensible “stability” sway me to put up with him. Once I started individual catholic therapy I had to face myself and the weakness that kept me here.

I drew the line when the children started witnessing more violence and they were attempting to stop dad from hurting me. Is there anything more traumatic than for a little child to see their mother assaulted or demeaned by their own father?

We continue to pray for their father every night.  I never had to speak negatively or in a hateful way about their father because the children lived it.

I was so beaten down and weak that I even told my counselor, who advised me to separate, that I was afraid of the angry phone call I'd get from my mother-in-law once she found out we separated.  The counselor had to give me permission  to refuse to take her phone calls.

Best spiritual advice and most miraculous outcomes have been from Healing Masses , in particular Healing of the Family Tree prayers.  Have masses said for the intention of your family.

This type of strife is passed down through the generations if the cycle is not broken.

Good news,  your crosses to bear will increase your holiness and faith in God.  God is merciful and loves you unconditionally.

Persist in prayer and God will show you how and when to best bring out His will on earth.

 

[moen]

Oh----my heart goes out to you. I don’t know if this thread is still “active” but I have had 26 years of all but about 4 years of unhappiness and lifeless. It’s just been like being in a maze, trying to figure out how to either sit and wait, or try desperately to make this work by trying “this” or “that”-------With God, nothing is impossible, right? Because I have kept thinking this especially the last 13 years, since the children came (we were VERY infertile, and I thought kids are the answer ), I know now that the core of all this remains to deal with. My husband has NOT be physically abusive, but is for all intents and purposes dependent on me for most things. I have continued to just be “it” for most things, and I am spent. I have 2 special needs children. He is for the most part a good father, and that’s what has kept me in this. He goes to work everyday, doesn’t drink or have a mistress…but he has no initiative to change in any realm. He hasn’t had a raise in 10 years, and has stayed at the same job and taken abuse from his boss…but just has no guts to move ahead. I have a chronic, life-threatening illness, and he just doesn’t “get it”-----I feel some days: I can’t take this anymore. We had our 26th anniversary the other day. He said on the way home "is there anything we need to talk about.?’ I thought, Yes, the last 20 years! Don’t you have any inkling of taking any initiative in your life? Why are you waiting for me to do almost everything!? I take care of pretty much all of everyone’s needs, and he pretty much sits and waits for me to tell him what to do. His mom and older sister did everything for him. I’m just SO tired. I’ve been counseled to divorce him several times. I have dragged him to counseling 6 different times through the years, and he says he feels ganged up on, and it fizzles out. He lives as a victim in almost all realms. I am tired…help?

 

[iluvmybabies]

Oh----my heart goes out to you. I don’t know if this thread is still “active” but I have had 26 years of all but about 4 years of unhappiness and lifeless. It’s just been like being in a maze, trying to figure out how to either sit and wait, or try desperately to make this work by trying “this” or “that”-------With God, nothing is impossible, right? Because I have kept thinking this especially the last 13 years, since the children came (we were VERY infertile, and I thought kids are the answer ), I know now that the core of all this remains to deal with. My husband has NOT be physically abusive, but is for all intents and purposes dependent on me for most things. I have continued to just be “it” for most things, and I am spent. I have 2 special needs children. He is for the most part a good father, and that’s what has kept me in this. He goes to work everyday, doesn’t drink or have a mistress…but he has no initiative to change in any realm. He hasn’t had a raise in 10 years, and has stayed at the same job and taken abuse from his boss…but just has no guts to move ahead. I have a chronic, life-threatening illness, and he just doesn’t “get it”-----I feel some days: I can’t take this anymore. We had our 26th anniversary the other day. He said on the way home "is there anything we need to talk about.?’ I thought, Yes, the last 20 years! Don’t you have any inkling of taking any initiative in your life? Why are you waiting for me to do almost everything!? I take care of pretty much all of everyone’s needs, and he pretty much sits and waits for me to tell him what to do. His mom and older sister did everything for him. I’m just SO tired. I’ve been counseled to divorce him several times. I have dragged him to counseling 6 different times through the years, and he says he feels ganged up on, and it fizzles out. He lives as a victim in almost all realms. I am tired…help?

I am so sorry to hear that you are also going through such a terrible time!!! But you have hung in there with God’s love and help it’s for a reason…
My mother has lived like you, yet she accepts it, she tells me it’s the way things are supposed to be…The man provides the woman does everything else!! W.E…She hated me when I didn’t make my exhusband work 24/7 seriously!! It was devastating to be like that!! I was always depressed because she would tell me I wasn’t woman enough to make my husband make all the money!! I would do it all as well, work, school, home, kids and my ex did what? Work and that’s it…his family gave him everything too!! he wouldn’t even eat my food if his grandmother didn’t approve!! I was like WHAT?! UGH!! But my mother states it’s a woman’s place to get all of the hubby’s money and she stays home…well I can tell you this, my father was abusive and GOD knows if he ever had a mistress, from his flirtyness back in the days and ditching my mom for the corporate women in his life, GOD knows…I am no one to judge so I will leave that one as is…but still it was devastating to see how she always took his abuse…she would always say you have to deal with your husband through sickness and health till death do you part!! I thought she was insane!! But she is a money person, his 1500 dollar weekly paycheck makes her happy so I guess for her it’s ok!!!
As for you, give your husband the hint of a separation…sometimes people need a break…and if it works out for the best he will be knocking down your door asking you to work it out…and hopefully things will be wonderful for the two of you!!!

Otherwise keep dealing with him, but your health is more important and if he’s not caring you need to get out immediately! Other wise you will be like my mother, she almost had cancer, they treated her fast, 3 times we were scared for her!! I don’t want to end up like her but from all the stressing I have been doing with family life OMG let me tell you that I now have hbp and it’s killing me!!! Nothing is worth your health!!

 

[fbl9]

Oh----my heart goes out to you. I don’t know if this thread is still “active” but I have had 26 years of all but about 4 years of unhappiness and lifeless. It’s just been like being in a maze, trying to figure out how to either sit and wait, or try desperately to make this work by trying “this” or “that”-------With God, nothing is impossible, right? Because I have kept thinking this especially the last 13 years, since the children came (we were VERY infertile, and I thought kids are the answer ), I know now that the core of all this remains to deal with. My husband has NOT be physically abusive, but is for all intents and purposes dependent on me for most things. I have continued to just be “it” for most things, and I am spent. I have 2 special needs children. He is for the most part a good father, and that’s what has kept me in this. He goes to work everyday, doesn’t drink or have a mistress…but he has no initiative to change in any realm. He hasn’t had a raise in 10 years, and has stayed at the same job and taken abuse from his boss…but just has no guts to move ahead. I have a chronic, life-threatening illness, and he just doesn’t “get it”-----I feel some days: I can’t take this anymore. We had our 26th anniversary the other day. He said on the way home "is there anything we need to talk about.?’ I thought, Yes, the last 20 years! Don’t you have any inkling of taking any initiative in your life? Why are you waiting for me to do almost everything!? I take care of pretty much all of everyone’s needs, and he pretty much sits and waits for me to tell him what to do. His mom and older sister did everything for him. I’m just SO tired. I’ve been counseled to divorce him several times. I have dragged him to counseling 6 different times through the years, and he says he feels ganged up on, and it fizzles out. He lives as a victim in almost all realms. I am tired…help?

Hi Moen: to me dragging you hubby to counselling won’t work,cause HE needs to see the neeed for it HIMSELF…As for his job,maybe he fears if he demands a raise he will see the door instead and then where would yous be?without income,not good…at his age a new job may be hard to come by…At least you can tell him what to do,and he does do it yes-no?i can understand thast yes he should know by now what he can do to help when he gets home…may God’s love shine on you my prayers are with you…

 

[SeekerJen]

Re the kids: I have thought a lot about the short- and long-term effects on them. For now, they have only witnessed a handful of outbursts and are generally unaware of the situation. I’ve tried to difuse the situation by saying something like: “Yes, Daddy did something wrong, but we all make mistakes and I have already forgiven him as God forgives us.” That has seemed to satisfy them for now. Although he is certainly not perfect, I really think my husband is otherwise a good father to our 3 kids. He loves spending time with them, coaches my sons’ little league, etc. For some reason, I am the one who bring out the worst in him. Although his meaness sometimes does comes out towards the kids in the form of dismissiveness or harsh words, he is very committed to them and they are very attached to him.

As the daughter of a man who once had excessive anger issues, I can promise you that your kids see more than you think. I can also promise you that, although your husband is fine with the kids now, once they hit puberty, all bets are off. My father and I had an atrocious relationship for my pre-teen and early teen years. And come to think of it, my father was never, ever physically abusive. He’s a man who would rather cut off his own hand rather than raise it in anger against either of us (or anyone, really). He never punched walls, threw things, or broke things. He yelled a lot- irrational things- and then gave us the silent treatment. That was bad enough. I loved my father but was afraid of him for most of my childhood. I can only imagine how much worse it must be to watch your father throw things at and hit your mother.

My father has calmed down a lot. He’s had counseling, and my mom just stopped accepting his behavior. She filed for divorce when I was 13 and that did seem to help a lot. It was like he finally realized that he’d pushed too far, and that I would be siding with Mom because he was treating me in much the same way. Dad’s really mellowed now. He and Mom seem to have a really strong, happy marriage and I get along with him well now. Unfortunately I have to fight against those own aspects of my temper, as I was raised to see it as normal.

 

[moen]

SEEKERJEN:

Wow, sounds like we grew up in the same house! Although outcome is different. (My mom allows any kind of anger, outbursts, belittling, etc.). It was awful growing up in that environment, let me tell you. 2 of my siblings have cut off rel’t w/ my parents, after confronting abuse, etc…and getting nowhere. I tried to confront and at least had conversation about it w/ them, but as time passes you wonder what good it will do:shrug:
Anyway, to echo some you to longway2go: Yes, kids know what’s going on under the surface, take it from me! In my marriage (which is shakey to say the least) I talk to my kids about most things, and I express. My mom never talked about my dad’s issues, so I learned that my “trust-truth-O-meter” (like that new word I made up ) was completely OFF. Still at 46 yrs old I struggle daily with this stuff. I do not want my kids to go through this. Shielding kids from reality and unpleasant things can only go so far before it actually hurts them in the long run.
I sure don’t know much but I know that as they say: Honesty IS the best policy. Jesus said Let your yes be yes and no be no…(IE be honest and mean what you say) I think that applies to Marriages in Turmoil (mine included )
:grouphug:

 

[RWMorris]

I am going to post on the other side here. For a long time, I was the abuser to my husband. I would get mad, scream, throw things, hit him, etc. Don’t get me wrong, he was definitely not perfect in our many fights but I was the aggressor.
I am so ashamed for what I put him through. I finally realized that I was trying to control him. How sad!
Give your husband a chance. He may come to his senses if you continue your life as though he wasn’t even there. Be cheerful when you can. Let him sleep in the guest room if he wants. Let him know how much you love him (if you can even say it at this point.)
But encourage him to see a physician when he is willing to listen. Turns out, I had a problem with mood swings that I could NOT control. My doctor put me on meds and I haven’t had an angry episode in four years. I have gotten a little aggravated, but no more temper tantrums.
Be understanding if at all possible. This problem may be more physical than you think.
Feel free to PM me if you want.
Hugs,
Lissa

 

[LongWay2Go]

Thanksto all of you who responded with advice and prayers. I have continued to think about and consider all that you (and others) have said. I also had a VERY helpful conversation with one of our parish priests who told me that, though our marriage may not be at the point of no return yet, it will soon be if we don’t get help/counseling. He helped me consider the short and long term effect on the kids, asking me whether it would be better to give them “a beautiful and comfortable lie or an ugly and difficult truth.” I know that “the truth will set us free.” He suggested that some men may need to face difficult choices (like the possibility of separation) before they will be willing to start on the long and difficult process of change. Long story short, I think I just needed a priest’s “permission” to actually consider doing something other than just tolerating the situation. A week ago, my dh and I had several long conversations where I communicated to him that I was considering a separation if he continued to refuse to go to counseling. I told him I wanted things to work out for us and that I believe it still could, but that I REFUSE to continue to live like this. I said he could set the groundrules (do we talk to a priest, a counselor, a wise friend, etc), but something had to change. For the first time, I think he saw that I was really serious and he has agreed to go to counseling. We had our first session together last week and I choose to hope that things can get better. I know if will take a long time, bad habits don’t die easily! Even if all we can hope for is peaceful coexistance, that would be better than what we have going now, and better for the kids than a divided family (?), but I also choose to believe that we can hope for better than just that. I know that God can transform this ugly reality into something that is pleasing to Him. He is in the conversion business and, so long as we are willing to cooperate with His divine action, he can save us. Please pray for us that we would both persevere in our spiritual cooperation, for the sake of our children, for the sake of our faith, and even for the sake of each other.

Thanks again for all your (name removed by moderator)ut. If you have any more advice, please share. I can still use all the help and support I can get!!!

 

[LongWay2Go]

I am going to post on the other side here. For a long time, I was the abuser to my husband. I would get mad, scream, throw things, hit him, etc. Don’t get me wrong, he was definitely not perfect in our many fights but I was the aggressor.
I am so ashamed for what I put him through. I finally realized that I was trying to control him. How sad!
Give your husband a chance. He may come to his senses if you continue your life as though he wasn’t even there. Be cheerful when you can. Let him sleep in the guest room if he wants. Let him know how much you love him (if you can even say it at this point.)
But encourage him to see a physician when he is willing to listen. Turns out, I had a problem with mood swings that I could NOT control. My doctor put me on meds and I haven’t had an angry episode in four years. I have gotten a little aggravated, but no more temper tantrums.
Be understanding if at all possible. This problem may be more physical than you think.
Feel free to PM me if you want.
Hugs,
Lissa

Thank you so much for this post!!! I can only hope that someday my husband will see what he is doing as you have. I know it takes a lot of humility to write what you have and I REALLY appreciate it. I think sometimes I, and others in my position, can be quick to judge, condemn and just try to find any way to escape and make it end. I know that has been my temptation. And, while I do very much believe that this abuse MUST end, the real goal is not just for me to “get out” but for God to transform us into the better people He wants us to be. Thank you for being an example of how this can happen.

 

[MCGar]

I haven’t read all the reponses but I strongly STRONGLY urge you to call up the Heart Mind and Strength Apostolate. They are a Catholic counseling service and can help you stop enabling his behavior. It’s possible you might have to separate until he realizes that if he wants his family together he will have to work on himself.

Hugs to you and prayers.

 

[mrpathetic]

Try the “Boundaries” book by Cloud and Townsend. I think this might be particularly helpful in your circumstances. It describes how to set boundaries within your relationsip - including boundaries around behavior that you are describing.

You don’t have to accept this situation. You can control it. No one should have to accept this type of abuse.

 

[blue_skies_1]

I just wanted to chime in to this thread and give the perspective of a child of a marriage where the father was/is abusive and the mother stayed. When I was little I was a real daddy’s girl (even though my dad could be really scary at times when he go angry, and definitely went ott with the physical punishment at times - I’m not saying that he ever really hurt me physically or used anything other than his bare hand but he would just lose control and that was frightening).
When I hit puberty it was even worse. He was perpetually angry and just used to pick a fight with me over nothing, and then call me horrible things - lazy, spoiled, ungrateful, nasty piece of work, b*&%h, slut etc. And occasionally he would just lose it - I’ve had him hit me really hard where I had bruise on the side of my face the next day, on one occasion he took me in the car when he was really mad and was driving down these winding English country lanes at about 70mph (I thought we were going to die), I’ve had him literally waving a chair around threatening to hit me with it, he’s destroyed my computer - just picked it up and started smashing it up, destroyed/trashed stuff in my room. It was just awful. And I always thought it was largely my fault - when you’re a child you assume your parents are right about things. To this day I still struggle with my self-esteem after being called those things.

The way he treated my mother was/is in some ways better - I don’t believe he’s ever been violent towards her thank God but still it makes me sick the way he will just make these disrespectful comments and demands of her ALL the time and she just totally puts up with it. He’ll make ‘joking’ rude remarks about her appearance and get really angry if he doesn’t understand something. And he just expects to be waited on. He has also cheated on her - my sister and I found a series of very explicit emails between him and another woman.

I just want to share with you the fact that growing up in this kind of environment is in no way healthy for children. I resent the fact that my mum didn’t do more (or indeed anything) to protect me and my sister from that kind of behaviour. We were both adopted and it seems kind of ironic that we ended up in such a toxic environment when this was supposed to give us a good start in life. It’s also deeply horrible as a child (or even now as a young woman) to see one parent being abused and just putting up with it. Quite soul-destroying. My sister moved out age 16 with an older boyfriend, quit school etc. That’s the kind of thing that can happen if you stay in an abusive situation.
I can’t judge your individual circumstances but I just want you to know that I strongly feel divorce would have been a much healthier option than just staying and denying that anything is wrong the way my mum has. It would have been better for all of us if she had at least seperated and it might even have forced my dad, who is a highly damaged person as you might imagine,. to examine his behaviour, get help and change.
Just wanted to share this…

P.S. I am not trying to totally demonise my dad as I love him and I do feel sorry for him too. He has his good times and good qualities but these should not blind someone to the fact that something is seriously not right.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I’m not saying that he ever really hurt me physically or used anything other than his bare hand but he would just lose control and that was frightening).

WOW! I was always daddy’s girl too!!! But my father raised his hand at me only once and it was because I was 15 and threatened to leave the house!! That was it…

When I hit puberty it was even worse. He was perpetually angry and just used to pick a fight with me over nothing, and then call me horrible things - lazy, spoiled, ungrateful, nasty piece of work, b*&%h, slut etc. And occasionally he would just lose it - I’ve had him hit me really hard where I had bruise on the side of my face the next day, on one occasion he took me in the car when he was really mad and was driving down these winding English country lanes at about 70mph (I thought we were going to die), I’ve had him literally waving a chair around threatening to hit me with it, he’s destroyed my computer - just picked it up and started smashing it up, destroyed/trashed stuff in my room. It was just awful. And I always thought it was largely my fault - when you’re a child you assume your parents are right about things. To this day I still struggle with my self-esteem after being called those things.

For me it was my mother, I am almost 30 and still to this day have huge problems!! Now that I have regained weight again even though I am trying to lose it, it’s costing me big time and it’s because of the way she was and still is with me!!!

The way he treated my mother was/is in some ways better - I don’t believe he’s ever been violent towards her thank God but still it makes me sick the way he will just make these disrespectful comments and demands of her ALL the time and she just totally puts up with it. He’ll make ‘joking’ rude remarks about her appearance and get really angry if he doesn’t understand something. And he just expects to be waited on. He has also cheated on her - my sister and I found a series of very explicit emails between him and another woman.

My father mistreated my mother, beat her up all the time until I was 16 and confronted him about it, he used to be an alchy, and I got beat down that day but I didn’t care better me than her!! I wanted her to leave him but she didn’t because of my younger siblings…My father sober was the best man you would have ever met, he was an angel sent from heaven, but as soon as he would drink all hell broke lose…So after that incident he stopped drinking and the fights between them were over but the damage was done…Even though none of my siblings remember anything, even though subconsciously I believe they do, but they will never admit to it, my sister got pg when she was 16, I married right after hs and am now divorced, 2 of my brothers became alchys for a couple of years and did lots of drugs…so even though my parents will always tell us things like “We did everything to make you happy you had no reason to be such ungrateful kids and do the things you have done all your lives!!” They don’t realize the subconscious traumatization it causes and clouds a child/young adult in making life decisions and choices…

I just want to share with you the fact that growing up in this kind of environment is in no way healthy for children. I resent the fact that my mum didn’t do more (or indeed anything) to protect me and my sister from that kind of behaviour. We were both adopted and it seems kind of ironic that we ended up in such a toxic environment when this was supposed to give us a good start in life. It’s also deeply horrible as a child (or even now as a young woman) to see one parent being abused and just putting up with it. Quite soul-destroying. My sister moved out age 16 with an older boyfriend, quit school etc. That’s the kind of thing that can happen if you stay in an abusive situation.
I can’t judge your individual circumstances but I just want you to know that I strongly feel divorce would have been a much healthier option than just staying and denying that anything is wrong the way my mum has. It would have been better for all of us if she had at least seperated and it might even have forced my dad, who is a highly damaged person as you might imagine,. to examine his behaviour, get help and change.
Just wanted to share this…

Well even though it might have been better for us with divorce I am glad my parents didn’t divorce even though we get blamed for all the mishaps and health problems my parents are having, like I get this “Since you are stressing your father out sooo much with your lack of income and inability to really support yourself he’s in the hospital in and out, he’s deathly ill, he’s getting the flu again, OMG he can barely walk!!” At least they are still best friends, great companions and happily married…and to me that’s all that matters…

P.S. I am not trying to totally demonise my dad as I love him and I do feel sorry for him too. He has his good times and good qualities but these should not blind someone to the fact that something is seriously not right.

Yup I love mine to death as well, I was always daddys girl and my father was the best father anyone could ever ask for except for when he was drunk… But definitely sometimes it might be for the best to get divorced instead of leaving things the way they are…because you don’t know the damage you could do…I got divorced and even though my daughter is going through some major issues I believe it is for the best becuase my other 2 children thank GOD are doing great!

 

[blue_skies_1]

Yup I love mine to death as well, I was always daddys girl and my father was the best father anyone could ever ask for except for when he was drunk… But definitely sometimes it might be for the best to get divorced instead of leaving things the way they are…because you don’t know the damage you could do…I got divorced and even though my daughter is going through some major issues I believe it is for the best becuase my other 2 children thank GOD are doing great!

Thanks for the reply. I do love mine to death too and I believe he’s a good person but just a tortured soul in many ways. When he behaves really badly though, I feel as if I hate him! I’m glad your parents worked things out, I’m not a believer in divorce and I think that’s the best thing… but some situations just are not going to change.

I think it’s up to the person in the individual situation to make that call (with spiritual counsel from a priest) & I would never specifically say either way on an online forum.
But, the damage done to children over time in a situation like that is in my view worse than a divorce because it teaches them that this is OK. Even if you divorce you can still hold on to the sanctity of marriage and pray for your ex, encourage children to do so and even be open to a reconciliation if certain criteria are met. You are just no longer being a doormat or having yor children come home to life in a horrible environment or give them a totally warped view about what is normal.

 

[gambino]

Even if you divorce you can still hold on to the sanctity of marriage and pray for your ex, encourage children to do so and even be open to a reconciliation if certain criteria are met. .

I wholeheartedly disagree. It’s like saying if you are down, you can just turn towards a little cocaine to get you through the bad days because you can always stop it once life gets better.

In my opinion, divorce is THAT evil. It is the destruction of a marriage. Do you think a lawyer cares that you want to reconcile? Lawyers are there to protect you and you alone, likewise for your spouse. There is no longer the opportunity for mutual giving and forgiveness that marriage intends. Don’t be tempted or fooled. My example using drugs is rediculous, I know, but so is divorce. If you need to seperate for your safety, fine…
But to treat divorce as a trial seperation is horrible, absolutely horrible. Please trust me on this. I have been divorced for 6 months now. It isn’t fun. It is painful, painful stuff. It’s not what God wants. Regardless of your struggles, you have been blessed with a marriage and a cross to bear and with God you can overcome it. Your job is to be faithful, to continue to pray unceasingly and to care for your child. Divorce is not included in that cross. Like countless others, you can be the person to bring your husband to Christ, even when it seems hopeless. Pray for him. Pray Psalms 51 with him in mind. Don’t give up, don’t give up.

 

[blue_skies_1]

I wholeheartedly disagree. It’s like saying if you are down, you can just turn towards a little cocaine to get you through the bad days because you can always stop it once life gets better.

In my opinion, divorce is THAT evil. It is the destruction of a marriage. Do you think a lawyer cares that you want to reconcile? Lawyers are there to protect you and you alone, likewise for your spouse. There is no longer the opportunity for mutual giving and forgiveness that marriage intends. Don’t be tempted or fooled. My example using drugs is rediculous, I know, but so is divorce. If you need to seperate for your safety, fine…
But to treat divorce as a trial seperation is horrible, absolutely horrible. Please trust me on this. I have been divorced for 6 months now. It isn’t fun. It is painful, painful stuff. It’s not what God wants. Regardless of your struggles, you have been blessed with a marriage and a cross to bear and with God you can overcome it. Your job is to be faithful, to continue to pray unceasingly and to care for your child. Divorce is not included in that cross. Like countless others, you can be the person to bring your husband to Christ, even when it seems hopeless. Pray for him. Pray Psalms 51 with him in mind. Don’t give up, don’t give up.

I’m not really suggesting the OP should divorce. Every situation is unique and she should seek counselling from a priest about it. But the CC says that in some cases a civil (legal) divorce is the best thing, for example in cases where there is abuse.

Of course one can’t say that someone just having a bad day is therefore an ‘abuser’ or ever do that lightly. But some situations really are that bad that a divorce is the best option. And this does respect the sanctity of marriage - of course it’s not ideal to live apart but in the eyes of God you would still be married unless you had an annulment. And you should still pray for your spouse, maybe even be open to a reconciliation in the right circumstances.
I do think divorce is horrible but so is living with someone scary and abusive.

 

[moen]

With all due respect I wholeheartedly agree with BLUE_SKIES and disagree with Gambino. How can one blanketly make a judgment about all marriages on planet earth? We all have different stories completely. My own sister suffered in her marriage, was told how disgusting she was, how much he didn’t like her…I mean lists of things! Clearly he didn’t want to be w/ her but was so depressed he didn’t have the guts to make a move, sometimes not getting out of bed. I have a dear friend who has never been happier since she divorced because of the mayhem he caused in her and her children’s lives for years and years, and sometimes health crises are a result of doing what Gambino is proposing… We are responsible to God for our lives, and I believe will stand alone to account for them, not behind our husbands or wives anyone else. People have free wills, and some refuse to allow themselves to be changed. I lived with and in abuse, as did my father before me…“never divorce” was the law laid down. My father and his siblings BEGGED his parents to divorce becuase of the terror, they refused, to “stay together is better:”. Lives have been shredded, and I can’t go into all the gory details here. The terror and scraps of people’s lives that are in my family line are a testament to someone holding on to something that didn’t really exist. Yes, marriage is sacred and should be protected at almost ALL cost. But the point is SOMEONE, SOMEHOW HAS to speak the truth. To hold on to the letter of the law w/o the spirit behind it is legalism and dead works. Bible is clear on that; no, not that we should run around and do whatever, but the heart of the matter IS the heart of the matter. It reminds me of the Old Testament man who vowed to kill the first person who walked through the door. It was his own daughter, but because “he took a vow” he killed her. (It was because he was afraid of what his friends would think of him if he didn’t keep his vow). That was insane! I know that’s far-fetched, but it reminds me also of marriages where for decades there has been no love, no respect,.and somehow I think “How does that marriage honor God.?” It’s like wearing a badge of “We stuck it out for 40 years.” When they both hate each other, kids are a mess, etc.
I know I will get backlash for this, but like BlueSkies I lived this and seen multiple generations of it repeated. Yet I do know that God can redeem anything, IF someone somewhere will allow Him to do so…and let me say it’s BOTH abuser AND victim, because my mom allowed all this and seems to have no self-respect, which is also wrong because it’s based in fear. It has been documented that childhood victims of abuse are more upset with the one WHO DID NOTHING TO STOP THE ABUSE. I can attest to that. My mom used to sit still with tears rolling while my dad humiliated and be-rated me. If she would have just talked to me SOMETIME about how this wasn’t right, I would not have issues I have still to this day. Truth is healing, no matter how ugly… that’s why someone receiving the truth and speaking it and living it will heal. And hopefully people will heal IN the marriage, but living a lie for a lifetime IS no life.