"Marriage is Not Consent"

  • Thread starter Thread starter Dan_Grelinger
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
Of course. But conversation, sex, quality time, and most things I listed are not about saving someone from dying.

And I wouldn’t treat sex within marriage as a gift any more than the other things listed. They are all part of the package in saying “I do.” I would never pressure my wife nor she me, but that applies to most aspects of marriage, not just sex, correct?
Marriage is a shared lifetime of mutual gift-giving, not an on-demand business contract.

Is it a life of duty, of doing what you ought even when that isn’t your first choice if you were only following self-centered motives? Well, sure, but loving God is a duty, too. The duty to love cannot be fulfilled by way of outside compulsion. If it is compelled, it is not love.

Just as we must give our consent to our baptismal promises every day and even in every moment in order to fulfill them, just so it is with marriage and all its duties. If our spouse refuses to love us, we cannot compel him or her to do it. That would be wrong, and a moral violation. If God Himself, who is Love Itself, always woos rather than compels, then that must be a condition of how Love behaves when Love is denied what Love is owed.
 
Interesting how the OP hasn’t been back since the day he started this thread two weeks ago…
 
What I personally find to be contradictory are 2 statements:

If this is true:

Then how can this also be true:

If the refused spouse is not to be the ultimate decision maker about whether a request for sex is reasonable, or a refusal of sex is unreasonable, then how can they know the refuser is doing something morally wrong?

ETA: Unless I suppose a refusing spouse actually states “I know I don’t have a reasonable reason to refuse sex right now, but I don’t care, I’m still not saying yes and that’s not a sin at all.” Then, I guess, the refused spouse has justification to offer “fraternal correction”. 🤷
You are correct, I should not have said “If he knows”, I should have said “If he thinks” and then an open/loving conversation should clarify the situation between the two.
 
Blue Horizon, this will likely be my last post on this thread. If you take the time to actually read it, you may be satisfied with some points, and likely won’t be with others. I have a very busy couple of days in front of me, but more importantly I am tired of this thread and tired of having to defend myself from false accusations. I may respond in the future only if I something I say is misrepresented or appears to not be clear.
My sincere apologies Tafan. I have retraced things and people quoting people has confused me (using a tablet doesn’t help).
I accept your apology. Thank you.
Blue Horizon:
I don’t believe I need to Tafan, you are the one who says both that Grisez is NOT the Magisterium and also “its the Church’s clear teaching.”
I do not believe I have misquoted you here.

If YOU are unable to find Magisterial teaching that clearly confirms Grisez then you really have no basis for exaggerating that Grisez’s words are “the clear teaching of the Church”.
Fair enough, it was my statement. I could provide you quotes form 1 Corithians, from the Summa, from 3 or 4 moral theology sources (one of them from a bishop IIRC), but I won’t. St Paul’s statement is readily available, the Summa is clear about conjugal rights but I doubt you will take it has a legitimate source. And the only one of those moral theology sources I have at hand is Grisez . Also, Grisez book is the only source I have at hand at this point in time. And his book is the best modern comprehensive book on that I have seen.

The concept of conjugal rights is certainly part of Church teaching. I settled on the wording of Grisez’s wording because I felt it was most clear. I stand by it.
“Unreasonable refusal of marital intercourse is a grave matter”. It is most clear, and is consistent with other sources.
I would also disagree with you that “not being in the mood” is never a reasonable excuse.
This is a prudential applied judgement re the abstract principles that even the wisest of theologians likely disagree over. The Magisterium has never come close to ever suggesting such a thing as far as I know.
There you go again. I clearly stated in my very first time I said this: IMO. that is short hand for In My Opinion, I never said that was a magisterium teaching. But again, I standby that opinion. I have detailed enough categories of reasonable causes that at this time: not being in the mood pretty much equates to just plain not wanting to do it for no real reason.
Finally, from a moral theology perspective you may like to reflect on the well established concept of “parvity of matter” when it comes to the “grave matter” of certain types of sins.
I am fully aware of the concept of parvity of matter. I agree with you it can certainly apply with regards to conjugal rights. Grisez points that out, and I should have included that. I did not because the post where I originally quoted Grisez it did not seem necessary, a couple of times later I thought I should go back and do so. I was wrong not to.
But I have settled on Grisez’s use of the term grave matter for a reason. It implies something that is objectively a mortal/very serious sin. Certainly depriving conjugal rights is a serious matter in a marriage. But like all acts which are grave matter, conditions apply which make each act sinful or not. I did not want to say it was a “mortal sin” because people interpret that as claiming if someone does it, they always go to hell.
In addition, the concept of parvity of matter typically applies to grave matter, so that terminology was appropriate.
But again, by leaving out the issue of parvity of matter, I gave the wrong impression.
Blue Horizon:
So I am sorry, I totally disagree with you that:
(a) frequency does not matter in a moral analysis
(b) “not in the mood” is always unreasonable
(c) we are always dealing with “grave matter” for an unreasonable decline
(d) such is always personally “sinful”.
(e) the Church clearly teaches the above.
a) You are correct, I was wrong. I was simply trying to say that each act is grave matter, that’s the way moral theology works. But certainly the frequency is important in any moral analysis on one’s behavior, and it could certainly be part of the “parvity of matter” issue.
b) We will have to agree to disagree. But at least you should stop claiming I say that this is part of church teaching. I most definitively have NOT made that point.
c) we are always dealing with “grave matter” for an unreasonable decline
Again, we will have to agree to disagree. Although I am not saying that an unreasonable decline is always a mortal sin, or even venial sinful.
d) such is always personally “sinful”.
I did not mean to ever say that. I admit to writing a couple of things that could be interpreted that way. When I said it was a sin, each and every time: I did not mean personally sinful, I would have said it is wrong each and every time (although perhaps not even a sin). As stated above, that is why I settled on the term grave matter.
e) the Church clearly teaches the above.
With respect to point a, I hope I did not say that. If I did, I was wrong and sorry. If I did not, you owe me another apology. With respect to point b, I know for a fact I never said that, or even implied it. With respect to point c, I stand by it, see my above explanation.
With respect to point d, while I may have left the impression it was always personally sinful (and again, I was wrong to do so), I never said the church taught that.

So there you have it. We agree on some things and disagree on others.
Finally, you made the accusation that Germain Grisez is an unorthodox theologian. You should either retract this calumnious statement or provide evidence.
 
Where’s the Op? He started this stupid thread and took off. If you’re going to post a controversial thread and get a fecal storm started, don’t run off when people disagree with your bizarre and creepy ideas.
 
I just read this entire thread, Interesting to see the differing viewpoints and perspectives on the original statement.

My personal belief is that the consent in marriage is that the two parties are consenting to be mutual and exclusive partners in life and that includes sexuality. It does not include the “right” of one partner to cajole, coerce or otherwise force sex on the other partner. Forcing the matter breaks the vow to love, honor and cherish each other.

If there is longstanding denial of one partner to the other, that can also be construed as breaking the vows.

This type of problem must be addressed before it gets to the point that someone is forcing someone else.
 
Blue Horizon, this will likely be my last post on this thread. If you take the time to actually read it, you may be satisfied with some points, and likely won’t be with others. I have a very busy couple of days in front of me, but more importantly I am tired of this thread and tired of having to defend myself from false accusations. I may respond in the future only if I something I say is misrepresented or appears to not be clear.

I accept your apology. Thank you.

Fair enough, it was my statement. I could provide you quotes form 1 Corithians, from the Summa, from 3 or 4 moral theology sources (one of them from a bishop IIRC), but I won’t. St Paul’s statement is readily available, the Summa is clear about conjugal rights but I doubt you will take it has a legitimate source. And the only one of those moral theology sources I have at hand is Grisez . Also, Grisez book is the only source I have at hand at this point in time. And his book is the best modern comprehensive book on that I have seen.

The concept of conjugal rights is certainly part of Church teaching. I settled on the wording of Grisez’s wording because I felt it was most clear. I stand by it.
“Unreasonable refusal of marital intercourse is a grave matter”. It is most clear, and is consistent with other sources.

There you go again. I clearly stated in my very first time I said this: IMO. that is short hand for In My Opinion, I never said that was a magisterium teaching. But again, I standby that opinion. I have detailed enough categories of reasonable causes that at this time: not being in the mood pretty much equates to just plain not wanting to do it for no real reason.

I am fully aware of the concept of parvity of matter. I agree with you it can certainly apply with regards to conjugal rights. Grisez points that out, and I should have included that. I did not because the post where I originally quoted Grisez it did not seem necessary, a couple of times later I thought I should go back and do so. I was wrong not to.
But I have settled on Grisez’s use of the term grave matter for a reason. It implies something that is objectively a mortal/very serious sin. Certainly depriving conjugal rights is a serious matter in a marriage. But like all acts which are grave matter, conditions apply which make each act sinful or not. I did not want to say it was a “mortal sin” because people interpret that as claiming if someone does it, they always go to hell.
In addition, the concept of parvity of matter typically applies to grave matter, so that terminology was appropriate.
But again, by leaving out the issue of parvity of matter, I gave the wrong impression.

a) You are correct, I was wrong. I was simply trying to say that each act is grave matter, that’s the way moral theology works. But certainly the frequency is important in any moral analysis on one’s behavior, and it could certainly be part of the “parvity of matter” issue.
b) We will have to agree to disagree. But at least you should stop claiming I say that this is part of church teaching. I most definitively have NOT made that point.
c) we are always dealing with “grave matter” for an unreasonable decline
Again, we will have to agree to disagree. Although I am not saying that an unreasonable decline is always a mortal sin, or even venial sinful.
d) such is always personally “sinful”.
I did not mean to ever say that. I admit to writing a couple of things that could be interpreted that way. When I said it was a sin, each and every time: I did not mean personally sinful, I would have said it is wrong each and every time (although perhaps not even a sin). As stated above, that is why I settled on the term grave matter.
e) the Church clearly teaches the above.
With respect to point a, I hope I did not say that. If I did, I was wrong and sorry. If I did not, you owe me another apology. With respect to point b, I know for a fact I never said that, or even implied it. With respect to point c, I stand by it, see my above explanation.
With respect to point d, while I may have left the impression it was always personally sinful (and again, I was wrong to do so), I never said the church taught that.

So there you have it. We agree on some things and disagree on others.
Finally, you made the accusation that Germain Grisez is an unorthodox theologian. You should either retract this calumnious statement or provide evidence.
That’s a lucid response and clarification thanks Tafan.
We disagree it seems only on prudential application of agreed principles.
The prudential application difference was initially stark enough to suggest to me that you may have been misunderstanding what Grisez was actually saying.

Clearly we are quite at odds over what may constitute “unreasonable” decline and how frequency may or may not influence that practical judgement and indeed the presence of “grave matter”.

We also seem to have differing views over how a partner might beneficially make use of such an analysis in fraternally correcting one’s partner.

Personally i believe a single “I don’t feel in the mood” is a good enough reason in itself to close the door and grave matter is hardly at play.

If my spouse seemed to do this with a frequency that started to seriously affect my daily life or caused me to wonder if there was some other cause at play I would want to pick a good time to have sensitive chat. It wouldn’t be to suggest in any way that my legitimate needs are not being reasonably met and that she is in the wrong. It would be to find out how perhaps I had sinned against her that might explain why she was acting this way.

As Jesus astutely observed it’s often the aggrieved that have first sinned.
Such are the ways of some women and men.
 
We also seem to have differing views over how a partner might beneficially make use of such an analysis in fraternally correcting one’s partner.

.
Except for the fact that I have not made one single comment about how often it would have to occur to have a discussion with a spouse about it. I only brought this up once, and every time since then I have mentioned it, it is only to defend myself against charges by you that I would use a moral argument to pressure my wife for sex.
So you stating we have differing views on this is once again misrepresenting my statements on this thread. Since your apology, you have posted twice, and misstated my views at least three times. Which is not a surprise because you do almost every post you make.
 
Except for the fact that I have not made one single comment about how often it would have to occur to have a discussion with a spouse about it. I only brought this up once, and every time since then I have mentioned it, it is only to defend myself against charges by you that I would use a moral argument to pressure my wife for sex.
.
Well let’s recall some of your statements and see where they logically lead when connected.
"I have a big problem with the often used words like “regularly”. A reasonable request for sex cannot be morally refused. Moral theology is about individual acts. It is a major sin against chastity ever to unreasonably refuse sex to a spouse
simply not being in the mood certainly qualifies as unreasonable, it is a sin each and every time it occurs. How often it occurs does not matter"
If one knows that one’s spouse is doing something morally wrong, it becomes the responsibility to bring it to their attention…Ignoring immoral behavior of one’s spouse would be a very unmanly thing to do.
So you hold with personal certainty that refusal by mood is quite unreasonable.
In fact you call this a major sin. It cannot morally be refused, it is morally wrong, it is immoral behaviour.
I am not sure how this reconciles with your saying that the morality is decided by the refuser if the wife believes not being in the mood is reasonable denial…but it’s clear you are certain not being in the mood is never a good excuse regardless.

Now most of us might agree it’s gravely immoral to frequently refuse by reason of not being in the mood. However you “have a big problem” with that view.
You insist frequency is irrelevant. You hold each and every single time is as bad as the collective.

Now you also hold above that it is unmanly to ignore gravely immoral behaviour in a spouse.
Clearly then you feel it is the noble and manly thing to do to find the right time to bring this immoral sin to your wife’ attention even when she just once declines your advances because she is not in the mood.

This I suggest is what many of us find problematic in your contributions.

It is also interesting that you imply it is more the male who takes moral counselling leadership in matters of perceived moral failure. Why cannot it be a womanly virtue to do so?
Sure, you try to make it look 2way by using the word spouse instead of wife…yet it does come across as a weak concession when you make so much of this as being a manly thing.
 
Blue horizon, have a good day, I felt like i have clarified my previous posts at this time. You are now going back to them and ignoring my clarifications. Which of course is another example of misrepresenting my positions.
Please quit. . You are correct on all points, I am wrong on all points.
 
Blue horizon, have a good day, I felt like i have clarified my previous posts at this time. You are now going back to them and ignoring my clarifications. Which of course is another example of misrepresenting my positions.
Please quit. . You are correct on all points, I am wrong on all points.
Tafan we aren’t mind readers.
If multiple times you say things you didn’t actually mean then converse with you is not possible.

May I conclude by observing that when we make strong individual statements on a topic that cannot easily be reconciled with each other the cognitive dissonance is usually a sign of yet to be fully processed/harmonised attitudes within ourselves worthy of further prayer counsel and reflection. All of us have areas in our lives we are constantly working on. Blaming others for not understanding, lying, misrepresenting etc can be defence mechanisms to protect our egos.

I wish you well and sincerely advise I have simply tried to politely hold a mirror up to you views to help you gain a surer foothold on your Catholic journey re this topic.
 
I think many would accept there is nothing at all wrong even with a spouse refusing a one-off time for trivial reasons.

Tafan does not agree with this by all accounts.
I meant refusing outright, a real sexual rejection, not quibbling about scheduling. I don’t think there is anyone who has not procrastinated on doing a good thing, including having marital relations with their beloved spouse, because they didn’t happen to feel like it at the time. (That doesn’t even count the times when the timing of the request was objectively **bad **for the prospect of a mutually-beneficial experience.)

Yes, there is a point at which procrastinating on anything your spouse asks you to do is selfish. I wouldn’t make a big universal about that, even with regards to sex (which is a matter about which refusals can of course be taken far more personally and might understandably be felt far more deeply than refusals to attend to the mundane duties of domestic life), unless the refusals stack up to amount to something.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top