Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

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your husband is immature and unstable. he stopped loving you a year before you were married? Drama queen.

U didn’t want sex postpardum andhe’s moving on? what?
bernadettefaith said:
I have a pretty long and complicated situation that has really been bothering me. I needed somewhere to get a Catholic viewpoint on the situation because I know secular society would likely say to leave my husband and I am committed to my vows.

My husband and I dated throughout high school and college. We married after dating for six years when we were in our early 20’s. We both were lucky to have found jobs in our respective careers. We also were mature and responsible despite our young age. We received very little pre-marital counseling from our parish priest. He knew both of us well as we’d been actively involved in the church for years. Now I’m wishing he would have done a little more counseling with us.

We’ve now been married 6 years and have two young children (one is still an infant). I am a practicing Catholic and dh is basically a cradle Catholic who is not necessarily in agreement with the church (attends mass with the family when not working).

2 months ago, my husband sat down with me and discussed that he is unhappy in our marriage. I was so extremely upset to think that my husband was unhappy as I do love him very much and want to see him happy. I stayed up half the night wondering what I have done to make him so unhappy. And I did come up with many things that had to change. I haven’t been a perfect wife. I’ve always been faithful to him but my attitude toward him has been not so kind over the years. Sex had been an issue as well (did not want it while pregnant or postpartum). I completely and totally understand that my behavior was awful. I haven’t been unfaithful or physically/emotionally abusive. No drug addiction on either side. I don’t blame him for being unhappy though I do wish he would’ve brought this to my attention sooner. I told him of the issues and he agreed that those were things to work on. However, he had come to the conclusion that our marriage was over. He decided to stay and work it out because I was so willing to fix my behavior.

Then, my husband started telling me that he had “fallen out of love” with me and was considering leaving me. Of course, my poor attitude probably did make me unlovable. I just don’t understand the “falling out of love” idea because I have always felt that love is a choice. I know I’ve hurt him deeply but I don’t get his idea that he cannot love.

We’ve started counseling and I’m hoping it will help. We’ve considered talking to our parish priest but I’m not really sure if he’ll have the time to talk with us and it would make us quite uncomfortable as we know him so well.

Here’s the most disturbing part:
I asked my husband when he stopped loving me. He said that he stopped one year before we were married. At the time, we had no concrete marriage plans but were engaged. He said that he felt obligated to marry me because he had already proposed and didn’t want to let me down. He said that at the time he was hoping to get the chance to date other women as I’m the only one he’d ever dated. He said that he also wanted the chance to have sex and since he’d been waiting for 5 years he might as well wait till the wedding. This makes absolutely no sense to me! I don’t believe that he would honestly marry me without love. He’s been so loving toward me up until the last few months. Now he will barely hug or kiss me and we are more or less living as brother and sister :o This is not like my husband at all! It’s as if I’m living with a stranger.

I’m just so hurt beyond all hurts I’ve ever felt in my life. I’ve had a poor attitude in the past. I’ve turned down my husband’s sexual advances at times. I’ve argued with my in-laws and have been rude. I’m very glad to get the wake up call that I need to change but I don’t want it to cost me my marriage!

My husband says that he’s miserable and if things don’t change then some day he will have to leave the marriage before it affects our family. Am I selfish for wanting him to stay? According to him, I’ve changed over the past few months and he cannot think of anything else I need to do to improve. He says that he feels loved by me. However, he says that he cannot love me back.

I also hate the idea that he married me only out of obligation or for sex! I thought that even in his early 20’s he would be able to make a mature decision. If that is true then I would think our marriage could even be invalid 😦

Sorry if my words are confusing at all. I’m stressed and desperate at the moment and can’t think totally clearly.
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lily22 said:
your husband is immature and unstable. he stopped loving you a year before you were married? Drama queen.

U didn’t want sex postpardum andhe’s moving on? what?
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I believe they are making some headway in counseling together.
 
Serap said:
I believe they are making some headway in counseling together.
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Yeah he’s at least here for now and cooperating with going to counseling.
The counselor believes it’s just going to take some time and fun experiences together.
 
I emailed a Catholic counselor who does phone counseling only. He’s actually within a short drive of us but does not do in person counseling. The only downside is that he does not accept insurance and his fees are over $100 per session. I don’t think I could get dh to agree to that as long as we have our secular counselor whose services are 100% covered on our plan.
 
bernadettefaith said:
I emailed a Catholic counselor who does phone counseling only. He’s actually within a short drive of us but does not do in person counseling. The only downside is that he does not accept insurance and his fees are over $100 per session. I don’t think I could get dh to agree to that as long as we have our secular counselor whose services are 100% covered on our plan.
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Save your $$$. You are doing well
 
I’ve been reading a few things that have given me peace…

“In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage.”

― Robert Anderson

Another idea I read was that marriages go through stages, much like children. We’re so accepting of a child going through a rough time (as we should be) but when a marriage goes through a rough time we want to jump ship.

Also, I read that virtually every marriage goes through a difficult time at some point. That give me hope because I know I’m not suffering alone and that others have survived difficult times.
 
bernadettefaith said:
I’ve been reading a few things that have given me peace…

“In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find and continue to find grounds for marriage.”

― Robert Anderson

Another idea I read was that marriages go through stages, much like children. We’re so accepting of a child going through a rough time (as we should be) but when a marriage goes through a rough time we want to jump ship.

Also, I read that virtually every marriage goes through a difficult time at some point. That give me hope because I know I’m not suffering alone and that others have survived difficult times.
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Don’t give up hope. Many marriages even become happy and back together after a separation. There is always hope.
 
We had our individual sessions tonight. We talked a lot about what could be causing dh to feel the way he does. She says that I’m doing everything I can and she’s very proud that I’ve stuck with the changes. I suppose it could be depression or something from work that’s bothering him. I do think that there’s got to be more to the story that he’s not telling.
 
bernadettefaith said:
We had our individual sessions tonight. We talked a lot about what could be causing dh to feel the way he does. She says that I’m doing everything I can and she’s very proud that I’ve stuck with the changes. I suppose it could be depression or something from work that’s bothering him. I do think that there’s got to be more to the story that he’s not telling.
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I really believe that you guys can get through this. He’s a good guy. He’s just really confused and having a mini-life-crisis right now. Help him through it and remember, 10 years from now it may be you who’s having the crisis. You never know.

Marriage ebbs and flows like a river…there are rapids every now and then and sometimes you have to portage (i.e., carry your spouse) over the rapids.

Wow…what a great analogy…I just came up with that LOL
 
Serap said:
I really believe that you guys can get through this. He’s a good guy. He’s just really confused and having a mini-life-crisis right now. Help him through it and remember, 10 years from now it may be you who’s having the crisis. You never know.

Marriage ebbs and flows like a river…there are rapids every now and then and sometimes you have to portage (i.e., carry your spouse) over the rapids.

Wow…what a great analogy…I just came up with that LOL
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Thanks. I did bring up the midlife crisis thing to her and she hadn’t thought of that before because of his age - not even 30 yet. But it does sound like he’s been looking back on his life and has a lot of regret.

He was at counseling for a long time last night. No idea what they talked about but he seemed like he was generally in a decent mood. Of course, he could have spent 2 hours ranting about me and was happy to get it off of his chest. Who knows.

She is worried about his negativity. She wants to see marriages work out but I can only change myself. He’s still here though and going to the counselor so there’s still hope that something will click some day.

She suggested letting him know that I’m here for him if he needs to talk. I’m not quite sure what else I can do to support him right now.

Oh and we discussed possible infidelity but she believes that he’s so blunt that he’d probably say so if he were cheating. I tend to agree. It’s not like he’s sparing my feelings on any other issues. He’s pretty much saying whatever is on his mind if I ask.
 
bernadettefaith said:
Thanks. I did bring up the midlife crisis thing to her and she hadn’t thought of that before because of his age - not even 30 yet. But it does sound like he’s been looking back on his life and has a lot of regret.

He was at counseling for a long time last night. No idea what they talked about but he seemed like he was generally in a decent mood. Of course, he could have spent 2 hours ranting about me and was happy to get it off of his chest. Who knows.

She is worried about his negativity. She wants to see marriages work out but I can only change myself. He’s still here though and going to the counselor so there’s still hope that something will click some day.

She suggested letting him know that I’m here for him if he needs to talk. I’m not quite sure what else I can do to support him right now.

Oh and we discussed possible infidelity but she believes that he’s so blunt that he’d probably say so if he were cheating. I tend to agree. It’s not like he’s sparing my feelings on any other issues. He’s pretty much saying whatever is on his mind if I ask.
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Yes, he’s negative but he has NOT left you.
 
bernadettefaith said:
Thanks. I did bring up the midlife crisis thing to her and she hadn’t thought of that before because of his age - not even 30 yet. But it does sound like he’s been looking back on his life and has a lot of regret.

He was at counseling for a long time last night. No idea what they talked about but he seemed like he was generally in a decent mood. Of course, he could have spent 2 hours ranting about me and was happy to get it off of his chest. Who knows.

She is worried about his negativity. She wants to see marriages work out but I can only change myself. He’s still here though and going to the counselor so there’s still hope that something will click some day.

She suggested letting him know that I’m here for him if he needs to talk. I’m not quite sure what else I can do to support him right now.

Oh and we discussed possible infidelity but she believes that he’s so blunt that he’d probably say so if he were cheating. I tend to agree. It’s not like he’s sparing my feelings on any other issues. He’s pretty much saying whatever is on his mind if I ask.
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A lot of people in law enforcement and related careers have a hard time talking to their spouses and a lot of them suffer from some form of depression or another. Could be that a lot of his issues stem from his chosen career. That kind of work takes a toll. It wears mind and soul thin. Seeing a counselor alone might be a big help to him and to your marriage.

Good that you all think he is too blunt to have had or be having an affair without telling you. I, personally, love a blunt man. Married one, myself. Blunt saves a lot of time and trouble 🙂

And I wish the mini- midlife crisis I have seen in a lot of men after they hit about 25 and settle down would make the psych books. It’s pretty common for guys to go through an “OMG! This is my life! It’s not what I thought! I’m all grown up and it sucks!” phase.
 
MJJean said:
A lot of people in law enforcement and related careers have a hard time talking to their spouses and a lot of them suffer from some form of depression or another. Could be that a lot of his issues stem from his chosen career. That kind of work takes a toll. It wears mind and soul thin. Seeing a counselor alone might be a big help to him and to your marriage.

Good that you all think he is too blunt to have had or be having an affair without telling you. I, personally, love a blunt man. Married one, myself. Blunt saves a lot of time and trouble 🙂

And I wish the mini- midlife crisis I have seen in a lot of men after they hit about 25 and settle down would make the psych books. It’s pretty common for guys to go through an “OMG! This is my life! It’s not what I thought! I’m all grown up and it sucks!” phase.
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I agree that counseling could benefit him. He was there for a while last night so I hope that helped him. He used to be open to talking about work but now he doesn’t feel close enough to me to talk.

I wish that the midlife crisis thing were well known as well! I’ve read that it happens between 25-30 in some men. He’s always been mature for his age so I don’t doubt that he’d go through it early. He had mentioned seeing my dad and thinking how miserable he must be. I’m not sure because my parents seem reasonably happy together. I think he’s also a bit jealous when he hears my single uncle’s dating stories - that an older man is having more sex than he is :confused:
 
bernadettefaith said:
I agree that counseling could benefit him. He was there for a while last night so I hope that helped him. He used to be open to talking about work but now he doesn’t feel close enough to me to talk.

I wish that the midlife crisis thing were well known as well! I’ve read that it happens between 25-30 in some men. He’s always been mature for his age so I don’t doubt that he’d go through it early. He had mentioned seeing my dad and thinking how miserable he must be. I’m not sure because my parents seem reasonably happy together. I think he’s also a bit jealous when he hears my single uncle’s dating stories - that an older man is having more sex than he is :confused:
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Hopefully he’ll feel closer to you in time and be able to talk to you. If not that’s ok. Maybe he’s trying to not bring work home with him or maybe he feels like he is protecting you by not giving you the gory details that bother him and may even make you worry more than you already do. As long as he is talking to someone, preferably a certified counselor, that’s all that really matters.

It’s pretty common for a younger person to see the lifestyle of an older person and think it must be miserable. Then they think “Aww, that’s where I’m headed!” because they now they are getting older day by day.What said younger person doesn’t factor in is that the older person they think must be so miserable is in a different phase of their lives and is likely quite content.

And I’m sure your uncle is having a good time here and there, but does that singe sex really take the place of having someone waiting at home with a hot meal, regular sex with someone who knows you well and connects with you, and someone to hold you at night compare? I don’t think so.

My husbands single friend recently went out with some of his friends to a strip club. It was an occasion for one of the guys, paid for by him, and my husband was invited but declined.

Single friend was going on about the boobies and making it sound so fun. he even mentioned talking to a 20 something stripper who was into tarot and wicca that he thought my husband would have loved talking to as he was also into those things back when he was in his early 20’s.

So, my husband tells his friend “Yeah, but I got boobs at home I can see whenever I want. And I have dinner, too! Not to mention clean laundry and I get cuddles at night.”

I saw said friend a few days later and just had to say “Umm, friend? You do realize my husband already met a woman just like the one you described, right? 24, hot body, into tarot and wicca. Let me tell you how that story turned out. He married her, raised some kids with her, bought a house and a car with her, she gained some weight and is now dieting and going to a gym, and she’s left behind the bs tarot and wicca to become a Catholic with him!” Should have seen his face, rofl.

5 years ago maybe that stripper story would have made the hubby green with envy, but he learned that A) the hot girl gets older and changes happen to her body as well as her mind and B) better to have a good woman at home to love and take care of you all the time than to have occasional sex with strangers and be lonely.
 
MJJean said:
Hopefully he’ll feel closer to you in time and be able to talk to you. If not that’s ok. Maybe he’s trying to not bring work home with him or maybe he feels like he is protecting you by not giving you the gory details that bother him and may even make you worry more than you already do. As long as he is talking to someone, preferably a certified counselor, that’s all that really matters.

It’s pretty common for a younger person to see the lifestyle of an older person and think it must be miserable. Then they think “Aww, that’s where I’m headed!” because they now they are getting older day by day.What said younger person doesn’t factor in is that the older person they think must be so miserable is in a different phase of their lives and is likely quite content.

And I’m sure your uncle is having a good time here and there, but does that singe sex really take the place of having someone waiting at home with a hot meal, regular sex with someone who knows you well and connects with you, and someone to hold you at night compare? I don’t think so.

My husbands single friend recently went out with some of his friends to a strip club. It was an occasion for one of the guys, paid for by him, and my husband was invited but declined.

Single friend was going on about the boobies and making it sound so fun. he even mentioned talking to a 20 something stripper who was into tarot and wicca that he thought my husband would have loved talking to as he was also into those things back when he was in his early 20’s.

So, my husband tells his friend “Yeah, but I got boobs at home I can see whenever I want. And I have dinner, too! Not to mention clean laundry and I get cuddles at night.”

I saw said friend a few days later and just had to say “Umm, friend? You do realize my husband already met a woman just like the one you described, right? 24, hot body, into tarot and wicca. Let me tell you how that story turned out. He married her, raised some kids with her, bought a house and a car with her, she gained some weight and is now dieting and going to a gym, and she’s left behind the bs tarot and wicca to become a Catholic with him!” Should have seen his face, rofl.

5 years ago maybe that stripper story would have made the hubby green with envy, but he learned that A) the hot girl gets older and changes happen to her body as well as her mind and B) better to have a good woman at home to love and take care of you all the time than to have occasional sex with strangers and be lonely.
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I agree. He claims that what he really wants is to meet a few women and have long term relationships with them and then decide to settle down and remarry. He believes in “soul mates” so I fear that’s what he thinks he needs to be looking for. He says that he just wants to find love.

There’s an extremely high divorce rate for law enforcement officers. They usually work long hours and disconnect easily 😦

My uncle absolutely complains about being lonely. My sister and I both met someone young and married and he’s mentioned that he’s jealous. He has no children, no wife, and is now retired and recently started dating. He has no interest in marrying so that turns a lot of women off. His usual relationships don’t last longer than a few months. I know that it’s not a happy lifestyle for him. I think in a way he regrets not settling down and having a family as he’s very lonely now.

I’m not giving up hope, but the alternative does terrify me. The loss of my husband isn’t the worst part - I feel he’s already disconnected from me so the initial shock is over. The loss of income isn’t the worst part - I believe we could be ok financially as long as I find some kind of job and I do trust that he would pay child support and keep his job. I hate to think of the effect this will have on the kids. If I were taking them out of a dangerous or abusive situation it would be different, but I don’t see how they would benefit from divorce. I couldn’t stand missing out on a big chunk of their lives as well as sharing holidays/birthdays. I do want them to have a relationship with their father but I don’t want to be constantly exchanging them back and forth. That sounds like a nightmare. I know we aren’t there yet but the possibility is terrifying.
 
bernadettefaith said:
I agree. He claims that what he really wants is to meet a few women and have long term relationships with them and then decide to settle down and remarry. He believes in “soul mates” so I fear that’s what he thinks he needs to be looking for. He says that he just wants to find love.

There’s an extremely high divorce rate for law enforcement officers. They usually work long hours and disconnect easily 😦

My uncle absolutely complains about being lonely. My sister and I both met someone young and married and he’s mentioned that he’s jealous. He has no children, no wife, and is now retired and recently started dating. He has no interest in marrying so that turns a lot of women off. His usual relationships don’t last longer than a few months. I know that it’s not a happy lifestyle for him. I think in a way he regrets not settling down and having a family as he’s very lonely now.

I’m not giving up hope, but the alternative does terrify me. The loss of my husband isn’t the worst part - I feel he’s already disconnected from me so the initial shock is over. The loss of income isn’t the worst part - I believe we could be ok financially as long as I find some kind of job and I do trust that he would pay child support and keep his job. I hate to think of the effect this will have on the kids. If I were taking them out of a dangerous or abusive situation it would be different, but I don’t see how they would benefit from divorce. I couldn’t stand missing out on a big chunk of their lives as well as sharing holidays/birthdays. I do want them to have a relationship with their father but I don’t want to be constantly exchanging them back and forth. That sounds like a nightmare. I know we aren’t there yet but the possibility is terrifying.
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Remember that kids are resilient and they will be ok. Studies have shown that as long as dad is loving and kind and sees them regularly, they will end up ok even after a divorce. Children have faired just as well as children of intact parents…so long as dad is loving and available after the divorce.

You will cross that bridge IF you ever get to it. It will be ok.
 
Serap said:
Remember that kids are resilient and they will be ok. Studies have shown that as long as dad is loving and kind and sees them regularly, they will end up ok even after a divorce. Children have faired just as well as children of intact parents…so long as dad is loving and available after the divorce.

You will cross that bridge IF you ever get to it. It will be ok.
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Yeah, I don’t know. I suppose they would be ok but I know that kids do suffer as a result of divorce. I’ve seen it myself with the kids I’ve taught - though I’m not sure if it was the divorce or the experience of living in a hostile environment that hurt them.

From what I’ve heard from him, he doesn’t think that 50-50 custody is preferred as the kids need to have one home. He’s also working most of the time, even on his days off so I don’t think he’d try to take a lot of time with them. I know families that do one week with each parent and I don’t personally think that’s healthy as they are constantly moving between homes. I get that it’s important to see both parents but I don’t think it’s good to have 2 homes where a child spends an equal amount of time.

Anyway, I guess I should just cross that bridge when I come to it. The idea of missing out on so much of their lives at such a young age just really scares me.
 
Serap said:
Remember that kids are resilient and they will be ok. Studies have shown that as long as dad is loving and kind and sees them regularly, they will end up ok even after a divorce. Children have faired just as well as children of intact parents…so long as dad is loving and available after the divorce.

You will cross that bridge IF you ever get to it. It will be ok.
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:confused:

What studies? Please reference some. And how does one define “ok?”

Bernadette I support you for being so strong and trying to save your husband’s soul and your marriage.
 
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