Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

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bernadettefaith

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I have a pretty long and complicated situation that has really been bothering me. I needed somewhere to get a Catholic viewpoint on the situation because I know secular society would likely say to leave my husband and I am committed to my vows.

My husband and I dated throughout high school and college. We married after dating for six years when we were in our early 20’s. We both were lucky to have found jobs in our respective careers. We also were mature and responsible despite our young age. We received very little pre-marital counseling from our parish priest. He knew both of us well as we’d been actively involved in the church for years. Now I’m wishing he would have done a little more counseling with us.

We’ve now been married 6 years and have two young children (one is still an infant). I am a practicing Catholic and dh is basically a cradle Catholic who is not necessarily in agreement with the church (attends mass with the family when not working).

2 months ago, my husband sat down with me and discussed that he is unhappy in our marriage. I was so extremely upset to think that my husband was unhappy as I do love him very much and want to see him happy. I stayed up half the night wondering what I have done to make him so unhappy. And I did come up with many things that had to change. I haven’t been a perfect wife. I’ve always been faithful to him but my attitude toward him has been not so kind over the years. Sex had been an issue as well (did not want it while pregnant or postpartum). I completely and totally understand that my behavior was awful. I haven’t been unfaithful or physically/emotionally abusive. No drug addiction on either side. I don’t blame him for being unhappy though I do wish he would’ve brought this to my attention sooner. I told him of the issues and he agreed that those were things to work on. However, he had come to the conclusion that our marriage was over. He decided to stay and work it out because I was so willing to fix my behavior.

Then, my husband started telling me that he had “fallen out of love” with me and was considering leaving me. Of course, my poor attitude probably did make me unlovable. I just don’t understand the “falling out of love” idea because I have always felt that love is a choice. I know I’ve hurt him deeply but I don’t get his idea that he cannot love.

We’ve started counseling and I’m hoping it will help. We’ve considered talking to our parish priest but I’m not really sure if he’ll have the time to talk with us and it would make us quite uncomfortable as we know him so well.

Here’s the most disturbing part:
I asked my husband when he stopped loving me. He said that he stopped one year before we were married. At the time, we had no concrete marriage plans but were engaged. He said that he felt obligated to marry me because he had already proposed and didn’t want to let me down. He said that at the time he was hoping to get the chance to date other women as I’m the only one he’d ever dated. He said that he also wanted the chance to have sex and since he’d been waiting for 5 years he might as well wait till the wedding. This makes absolutely no sense to me! I don’t believe that he would honestly marry me without love. He’s been so loving toward me up until the last few months. Now he will barely hug or kiss me and we are more or less living as brother and sister :o This is not like my husband at all! It’s as if I’m living with a stranger.

I’m just so hurt beyond all hurts I’ve ever felt in my life. I’ve had a poor attitude in the past. I’ve turned down my husband’s sexual advances at times. I’ve argued with my in-laws and have been rude. I’m very glad to get the wake up call that I need to change but I don’t want it to cost me my marriage!

My husband says that he’s miserable and if things don’t change then some day he will have to leave the marriage before it affects our family. Am I selfish for wanting him to stay? According to him, I’ve changed over the past few months and he cannot think of anything else I need to do to improve. He says that he feels loved by me. However, he says that he cannot love me back.

I also hate the idea that he married me only out of obligation or for sex! I thought that even in his early 20’s he would be able to make a mature decision. If that is true then I would think our marriage could even be invalid 😦

Sorry if my words are confusing at all. I’m stressed and desperate at the moment and can’t think totally clearly.
 
“My husband says that he’s miserable and if things don’t change then some day he will have to leave the marriage before it affects our family.”

One of the options here is that your husband isn’t miserable with you, but just miserable, and he doesn’t realize that if he leaves you, he will still be the same person, living the same life, just with a lot of regrets. A lot of married couples feel run down and miserable when they have a second child, since it’s suddenly way harder than just having one. I would encourage your husband to stick around and see if he doesn’t feel a lot better in a year or two, even just doing nothing.

It sounds like you’ve worked on your faults and your immaturity, which is admirable. Can you get to marriage counseling? Even if you can’t, can you encourage your husband to think about self-improvement–taking a class in something he’s always been interested in, trying a new sport, a side business or hobby, etc. Ideally, you’d try something new together. There is a chance that he’ll meet somebody else or that it would feed his desire to leave you, but it might be worth it to take the risk, just to demonstrate to him that you are not the only variable in his life that he can change.
 
Thank you! We are attending counseling and have done one session but it was mostly “get to know you” types of questions at this point. I have asked what else he could be miserable with and he’s not quite sure. He says he regrets not seeing more women before settling down. He regrets not going further with his education (current extreme work hours wouldn’t allow him to continue). He loves his career but does not feel successful with his current position due to lack of advancement opportunities.
 
“He regrets not going further with his education (current extreme work hours wouldn’t allow him to continue). He loves his career but does not feel successful with his current position due to lack of advancement opportunities.”

That’s interesting. I would encourage him to do more classes once his schedule improves. He probably feels like he’s in a rut.
 
It could be an option, especially if he could do so online. He works a dangerous, demanding job (don’t want to say his field - trying to remain partially anonymous) and rotates shifts monthly. So his days off and hours vary too much to spend a whole semester in class.
 
Have you had a chance to look into Retrouvaille, the Catholic program for couples experiencing marital difficulties? retrouvaille.org/

Also, The Alexander House, another Catholic marriage ministry directed by a Catholic couple who themselves considered divorce (but who now have a very strong marriage) offers marriage support through Marriage Disciples: thealexanderhouse.org/marriage-disciples/ For more information, request an intake form through the Request Intake Form link.

Another Catholic organization, Pastoral Solutions Institute, directed by Dr. Gregory Popcak, offers telephone counseling services. exceptionalmarriages.com/services.htm
 
We did consider retrovaille but it would have to wait for at least
a year because I have a nursing infant and cannot be away for a weekend.
 
May God comfort, strengthen, and guide you, Bernadette,

If your husband married you without personal commitment, not wanting you as his life-partner but feeling obliged due to engagement promises, then it may be wise to talk about the issues clearly with your priest.

My prayers for you and your husband for the graces to renew marriage vows with your husband’s genuine commitment.
May God bless you, your children, and your husband.

Warm hug,
Trishie
 
I think it would be wise to wait until you’ve had a chance to have a professional counselor talk to you and give you some questions to reflect on.

This is my piece of advice through all of this: Whatever is said, try to consider it a “picture” of one day’s or even one moment’s thought, maybe even a “trying on” of a thought, not a permanent uncovering of what either of you has “always” felt or thought. If you look back honestly on your life and consider what a diary of the last six or eight years would really have said, I think you’ll realize pretty quickly that you need to be free to change your mind about things. You don’t want anyone sticking you with every word or thought you’ve had in the last five or ten years as the “permanent picture of you”, not even the thoughts you have dwelt upon. We’ve all had revelations where our thinking changed in a day or even a moment. Being open to that kind of a revelation can be life-changing, and especially being that ready to let go of rash statements made by others can be very freeing. Don’t despair over any thoughts that you hear expressed or think yourself as unchangeable thoughts. Be ready for growth, be ready for some missteps and misinterpretations, followed by fresh starts and new ways of thinking. I think that looking at this as “brain storming”, where nothing that is thrown out is to be taken as a done deal or a fully intentional plan, is your best way to make what is to come a growth opportunity, and far less bruising to your feelings.
 
Trishie said:
May God comfort, strengthen, and guide you, Bernadette,

If your husband married you without personal commitment, not wanting you as his life-partner but feeling obliged due to engagement promises, then it may be wise to talk about the issues clearly with your priest.

My prayers for you and your husband for the graces to renew marriage vows with your husband’s genuine commitment.
May God bless you, your children, and your husband.

Warm hug,
Trishie
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I’ve considered talking to the priest but am not sure at the moment. I really don’t know what my husband meant by all of this or where his thoughts are. He did say that he planned to commit his life to me and thought that he loved me. It’s all just so confusing.
 
Monicad said:
Dear one, I am 100% in favor of nursing and know the benefits of breastmilk, however you said very clearly that your husband does not love you anymore and was considering leaving you. This is not the time to wait a YEAR to go on a marriage retreat. Order a breastpump tomorrow and start preparing to save your marriage! Even if your baby has to take formula it is better then divorced parents! This is the time for action, I will pray for you. Please take care as best as you can. God bless.
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I am conflicted. We cannot tell family where we are going or what’s going on because they will judge my Dh and their relationship will be ruined. I also do not think my family would want to watch the baby overnight as he does refuse bottles. Maybe if they knew what was going on…but we just cannot tell them yet. Dh is sure that he will not consider leaving at all for the next year while we work with our counselor.
 
“We cannot tell family where we are going or what’s going on because they will judge my Dh and their relationship will be ruined. I also do not think my family would want to watch the baby overnight as he does refuse bottles. Maybe if they knew what was going on…but we just cannot tell them yet. Dh is sure that he will not consider leaving at all for the next year while we work with our counselor.”

That’s very good that he is committed to staying and working with a counselor.
 
Xantippe said:
“We cannot tell family where we are going or what’s going on because they will judge my Dh and their relationship will be ruined. I also do not think my family would want to watch the baby overnight as he does refuse bottles. Maybe if they knew what was going on…but we just cannot tell them yet. Dh is sure that he will not consider leaving at all for the next year while we work with our counselor.”

That’s very good that he is committed to staying and working with a counselor.
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Yes, I believe it is a good sign. I think he might be confused about what love really means. He can’t put into words what he does not feel for me anymore. He has mentioned that he feels that love should come naturally and shouldn’t take work. I just think he has unrealistic expectations.
 
bernadettefaith said:
I am conflicted. We cannot tell family where we are going or what’s going on because they will judge my Dh and their relationship will be ruined. I also do not think my family would want to watch the baby overnight as he does refuse bottles. Maybe if they knew what was going on…but we just cannot tell them yet. Dh is sure that he will not consider leaving at all for the next year while we work with our counselor.
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It is OK to keep your privacy…meaning you can run this the way you and your DH want to. You can also go off for a weekend without telling the entire family where you are going, or why. I think a few more sessions with the counselor will help you with this kind of question. Hang in there!! 👍
 
EasterJoy said:
It is OK to keep your privacy…meaning you can run this the way you and your DH want to. You can also go off for a weekend without telling the entire family where you are going, or why. I think a few more sessions with the counselor will help you with this kind of question. Hang in there!! 👍
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Thanks! I think my main concern would be that my family would be the ones babysitting so that we could attend the retreat. They wouldn’t babysit overnight for a whole weekend without knowing where we are going and what we are doing.
 
Does anyone know how often retrouvaille is offered? There’s one in a few weeks in our local area and I would consider making it to the next one if its less than a yr away. Once my baby is able to fall asleep without nursing it will be much less stressful for family to watch him.
 
“I think he might be confused about what love really means. He can’t put into words what he does not feel for me anymore. He has mentioned that he feels that love should come naturally and shouldn’t take work. I just think he has unrealistic expectations.”

It does and it doesn’t, I think. I always get concerned when people who are very early in their relationships talk about love being work, because I feel that early on, romantic love should come naturally. However, I think “love takes work” or “marriage takes work” is more true of established relationships, but I don’t think I like that formulation, because it makes it sound rather joyless. I’d say that being a mother is work, being a father is work, being an adult child to your parents and in-laws is work, being a wife is work, being a husband is work, etc. Those are all jobs, as well as relationships. It’s not 100% gushing, overflowing, effortless love all the time–there’s a lot of duty in there, making the love stronger and more effective and more consistent. (Think about the steel that reinforces concrete.)

I would definitely say that the era of your marriage and parenthood that you are experiencing right now is probably one of the very toughest, when you have one small child and an infant and your husband is working crazy hours. You both feel spread thin because you are spread thin and maybe you’re not always as nice to each other as you should be. That is hard and there’s nothing you can do to make it not hard. The only thing I can suggest is to do your best, try to be nice to each other, ask your family and friends for help, and patiently wait for your kids to get bigger. I think I would point your husband to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs:

simplypsychology.org/maslow.html

I’m not an expert on Maslow, but his idea was that you need to have your more basic needs met before you can go on to higher levels. In other words, if your husband is working like crazy right now and is exhausted, he may not have a lot of emotional surplus available for you, which he may interpret as not loving you anymore. When my kids were your kids’ age, I felt that I was so exhausted that I didn’t love my family. All it took was for me to be less exhausted and I had more available emotionally to give my family.

Another interesting resource is C.S. Lewis’s book “The Four Loves,” which is about the different varieties of love and how they relate to each other. Your husband probably doesn’t have time for it, but I would encourage you to read it, even just a few pages at a time. It has a lot to say about your situation. It’s a short book.
 
bernadettefaith said:
Thanks! I think my main concern would be that my family would be the ones babysitting so that we could attend the retreat. They wouldn’t babysit overnight for a whole weekend without knowing where we are going and what we are doing.
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Are you sure? It’s not as if it is some surprise that you want to get away. Still, they might well want to know why you want some particular weekend. If you like, though, consider that perfectly healthy couples go on Marriage Encounter weekends and other couples retreats. To say you’re going on a “couples retreat” is an indication that you are making your marriage better and making each other a priority, but not any sign that there is something wrong.

Since you have a private counselor, you might very well be able to do the work of a weekend retreat over a more extended period. In that case, where you go or what weekend you choose may be less important, because you’re sort of doing the work of one of those retreats in “private lessons”. The weekend would be more of a chance to get alone together and put each other and what you have to talk about first.
 
EasterJoy said:
Are you sure? It’s not as if it is some surprise that you want to get away. Still, they might well want to know why you want some particular weekend. If you like, though, consider that perfectly healthy couples go on Marriage Encounter weekends and other couples retreats. To say you’re going on a “couples retreat” is an indication that you are making your marriage better and making each other a priority, but not any sign that there is something wrong.

Since you have a private counselor, you might very well be able to do the work of a weekend retreat over a more extended period. In that case, where you go or what weekend you choose may be less important, because you’re sort of doing the work of one of those retreats in “private lessons”. The weekend would be more of a chance to get alone together and put each other and what you have to talk about first.
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Possibly. However, they would be suspicious because I never left my oldest overnight as a baby. They don’t like watching the baby for more than a few hours because he screams much of the time and won’t eat for them.
 
What I really question is whether it’s selfish to ask my husband not to leave. If he’s still feeling miserable from being with me in a few years should I hold him to his vows? When I said till death do us part, I meant it. I am thinking there’s more that makes him miserable than just me. I don’t see why he would still be miserable in the future if I continue to improve but if he’s unhappy then is unhappiness a reason to end a marriage? I always figured that the only true deal breaker was physical or emotional abuse. I hear all the time that couples get the feeling that they “fall out of love” when in reality they are just disillusioned.
 
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