Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

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I sincerely thank each and every one of you for your prayers and kind words. It means so very much to me. I cannot speak to many friends in person for privacy reasons so I’m so happy to have a place to receive such great support.
 
1inICXC said:
You havereceived some great advice and I just wanted to and that the Alexander House does counseling even over Skype from what I understood and their method is so effective that the majority of couples are back on their feet in just a few sessions (weeks, not months or years ).

Given your current situation, with the infant, this would probably be a better option for you.

Also, something for both of you to keep in mind… having the first child is the HARDEST transition in a relationship and when the second is still an infant it is not much easier. In 2-3 years, when your children will be busy playing together and the two of you will be able to spend time together, it will be much easier and your whole outlook on life changes when you’re not maxed out!

May God grant you His peace and strength!
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Just making sure you Saw this post. With the Alexanders you can receive counseling from the comfort of your own home and their success rate is phenomenal! Please do try to get in touch with them : thealexanderhouse.org/
 
1inICXC said:
Just making sure you Saw this post. With the Alexanders you can receive counseling from the comfort of your own home and their success rate is phenomenal! Please do try to get in touch with them : thealexanderhouse.org/
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Thank you! I did see it. I’m hoping to get in touch with them at some point. It might be difficult to convice my husband to do it as we’re already seeing a counselor in person. I’ll definitely ask though. I think it would be helpful to do both.
 
Hi there-
Wondering if a marriage retreat might be helpful for you? Teresa Tomeo, host of “Catholic Connection” on EWTN’s Catholic Radio, along with her husband and celebrity chef Father Leo Patalinghug are leading a Roman Holiday Marriage Retreat May 18-27, 2014. A $100 early bird discount per couple is available for those who register by Sept. 20. More info at www.teresatomeo.com. Praying for you!
Lyn Mettler
 
lmettler said:
Hi there-
Wondering if a marriage retreat might be helpful for you? Teresa Tomeo, host of “Catholic Connection” on EWTN’s Catholic Radio, along with her husband and celebrity chef Father Leo Patalinghug are leading a Roman Holiday Marriage Retreat May 18-27, 2014. A $100 early bird discount per couple is available for those who register by Sept. 20. More info at www.teresatomeo.com. Praying for you!
Lyn Mettler
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Thanks! That trip sounds awesome! Unfortunately I do not think we could come up with the cash or child care.
 
Just wanted to update that we’re still hanging in there. When I asked dh if he could forgive some day he said that he probably could. I asked what is missing that is preventing him from feeling love. He says that he doesn’t feel the connection anymore. I think a lot of it has to do with the way I’ve treated him in the past. He felt that I was distant and not affectionate with him. I was also immature and insisted on getting the last word in an argument. He didn’t really discuss the fact that he was unhappy until now. In retrospect, I can see the issues and am definitely working on improving. He says that he can see how I’m improving. So I do have faith that we’re at least heading in the right direction.
 
So glad things are going better for you! I’m sure, like any normal couple, you will have a few setbacks here and there, but I pray that the improvements and hope continue!

I would also suggest a few books for you that have helped me understand (well, not completely, but somewhat!) what my husband needs and wants as a man, from me as his wife. Hopefully, they will also help you.

For Women Only (Feldman)
Love and Respect (Eggerichs)
The Surrendered Wife (Doyle)

The thing I struggle the most with is showing respect for my husband, and it sounds like you have maybe struggled with that, too. Those first two books helped me see some of the ways I’ve been coming across as disrespectful (sometimes without even realizing it), and the last book is helping me to see that love is not always about taking care of things for him; sometimes, it’s about letting him (or trusting him to) do things for himself–or even for me. Actually, the last book has been the most helpful, but all of these books have helped me to let go of control and trust in God* through my husband.* It’s not easy, and I do make mistakes, but it’s really making a difference in the way my husband sees himself through my eyes. Again, I hope it helps you, too!

God bless!

P.S. If you read the books, I would suggest keeping them private, and also staying quiet about any changes you decide to make (at least with your husband–feel free to discuss with other women, lol). In my experience, you’ll get much better results if you “just do it,” rather than talking with him about it, as tempting as that might be! 😉
 
We got a little more into the issues at counseling tonight. My husband felt that’s anger used to get out of control and scared him. I would scream and shake (not touching him at all) if we got into arguments. I haven’t done this in a long time
(about a year). I had no idea that it scared him much. But the fact that he was scared is making him reluctant to forgive and forget. It is good to know what is keeping him from feeling intimate.
 
It is good to hear that the counselor is helping you and your husband speak openly and confront issues that need to be addressed. Best wishes and blessings!
 
Thank you! While I’m not happy that he was upset, I am glad to know what we need to do to work things out.
 
First I have to say, you sound like a FANTASTIC wife. I get you messed up, but your willingness to fix yourself and try to save your marriage are awesome. And your desire for privacy regarding sharing this difficultly with family is very prudent. So your are a rock star of a wife, so DON’T stop.

Now PLEASE don’t get defensive and hear me out. Your husband, seems to have a LOT of emotional immaturity and to be a bit of a puss. To put it more refinedly, he seems very emasculated and checked out as being the “leader” in your family. A husband should be the spiritual and actual leader in a family and he doesn’t seem to be doing this.

So my suggestion is three-fold…

1st pray A LOT. All the time. Ask family members and friends to pray (just say its for a special intention to keep privacy.)
2nd continue being awesome.
3rd and possibly because it will require some finesse, you need to find a way to get your husband to become the leader. You need to call him to and expect him to lead the way. Some of the fine women here who’ve already replied may have some suggestions. But my point is Men do manly things, they are expected to be strong and lead. Especially in spiritual matters.

I will pray that your family can be saved.

God bless and sorry if I offend.
 
Thanks Davetv. No offense here and thank you for the prayers.
 
bernadettefaith said:
Here’s the most disturbing part:
I asked my husband when he stopped loving me. He said that he stopped one year before we were married. At the time, we had no concrete marriage plans but were engaged. He said that he felt obligated to marry me because he had already proposed and didn’t want to let me down. He said that at the time he was hoping to get the chance to date other women as I’m the only one he’d ever dated. He said that he also wanted the chance to have sex and since he’d been waiting for 5 years he might as well wait till the wedding. This makes absolutely no sense to me! I don’t believe that he would honestly marry me without love. He’s been so loving toward me up until the last few months. Now he will barely hug or kiss me and we are more or less living as brother and sister :o This is not like my husband at all! It’s as if I’m living with a stranger.
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Something must have happened that caused this change in him. He is now rewriting the past. This is not at all uncommon. Don’t let him persuade you into this new version of your dating/marriage story. Also, don’t assume that only you are to blame for this crisis. It takes two to tango, as they say. He played a part in this as well.
 
We’ve been going to counseling for about 6 weeks now and just thought I’d update.

I wouldn’t say anything has necessarily improved but we’re holding steady. He’s still not in love and doesn’t know if he wants to be in the relationship. He’s still not crazy about the Church and organized religion in general. He believes that speaking with the counselor helps him to understand where I’m coming from.

However, he still claims that he is afraid of me. I’m not sure why he feels this way. I did get angry at times but this hasn’t happened in at least a year. It may have been even longer. Although it’s no excuse, a year ago I was pregnant and hormonal so I may not have been my usual self. I usually wasn’t angry with him but mostly venting anger with other situations/people and was never violent or even yelling/screaming much. This was fairly infrequent, he says it usually happened during holiday seasons when stress is high;. Anyway, it hasn’t happened in a very long time but he’s still upset about it. The counselor believes he has PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) from the way I acted. I’m really confused because I didn’t see my anger as that serious. Maybe it was but it almost seems like he could be overreacting. He’s not sure that he can ever get over this. The counselor will see us separately next time and I’m hoping that this helps. She does have resources on forgiveness and she wants to work with him to forgive me. I really hope that it just takes time. I’m still pretty lost and confused about the whole situation.

He also told the counselor that he has a lot of regrets. He wishes he would have been with other women before me (never dated anyone else). He says he doesn’t want to drag me down with all of his regrets but he also isn’t quick to forgive.

I am feeling a tiny bit more positive now that we are getting help and that my husband is at least willing to work on this for another year before even considering leaving. Time is on my side but I know that he is really only here for the children and has no desire to be married to me right now. At least that’s what he says. I believe that if he truly wanted to leave and was scared of me that he would have left a long time ago. Why leave now when I’ve actually committed to change and have changed over the years?
 
bernadettefaith said:
I would scream and shake (not touching him at all) if we got into arguments.
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I usually wasn’t angry with him but mostly venting anger with other situations/people and was never violent or even yelling/screaming much.
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These two quotes above are not consistent with each other. In the first, you say that it was when you got into arguments, but they you say that you weren’t angry with him. And you say that you were screaming and shaking, but yet not violent? I don’t understand.

I think you need to consider what he saw in you, that scares him. Keep an open mind, that there actually might be something deeply broken in you, something that these behaviors are rooted in. God loves us, no matter how mixed up we can be. And every step you take toward truly acknowledging your brokenness will be a way to help your husband heal his own wounds.

God bless you!
 
Prodigal_Son said:
These two quotes above are not consistent with each other. In the first, you say that it was when you got into arguments, but they you say that you weren’t angry with him. And you say that you were screaming and shaking, but yet not violent? I don’t understand.

I think you need to consider what he saw in you, that scares him. Keep an open mind, that there actually might be something deeply broken in you, something that these behaviors are rooted in. God loves us, no matter how mixed up we can be. And every step you take toward truly acknowledging your brokenness will be a way to help your husband heal his own wounds.

God bless you!
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Sorry, I was confused when I wrote this I guess. I assume things from a statement from him and then later clarify at counseling. So when I post something it might not have necessarily been what he meant when talking to him. We don’t discuss relationship issues often and I don’t always clarify with him until I’m able to reflext. I’m pretty emotional and confused so my posts don’t make sense most of the time. I guess I didn’t consider it violent unless I was physically hurting him or verbally threatening him. I definitely admit that I’m at fault but I wish that these issues were addressed years ago when it actually happened instead of him holding it in. I did scream but that was not the norm. He screamed as well but I’m not afraid of him. That’s what I meant by “not much”. I have admitted that I’ve been angry. That’s why we are seeking help. I’ve admitted my faults to my husband and counselor. So far, I’ve been sticking to my goal of no angry outbursts for over a year. I just am not sure if I was truly as angry as he feels I was because I don’t remember that well. He’s always acted happy until recently and we haven’t gotten into a screaming match within the last 18 mos. He’s also been angry and has screamed at me though I don’t feel threatened by him. I’m just having a hard time deciding what happened years ago because I truly don’t remember all the details. It’s just so odd to me how he’s just now bringing up all of this when it hasn’t been an issue for so long. Like I said, I’m still pretty confused myself. He says that I have improved and there’s nothing left for me to change. He feels that it’s on him to forgive and he doesn’t know if he can. I absolutely understand why he is hurt and angry and am committed to change. I don’t expect overnight forgiveness but wish that we could start heading toward forgiveness. I want to remain hopeful but still have doubts that forgiveness will ever happen.
 
Oh and the thing about argument,. I’ve talked to him and I don’t always understand what the problem was after the discussion. I talked to him further after that post and he clarified. He meant that I would get upset over other things, not an argument between the two of us. I did scream during arguments with him but that wasn’t the anger that scared him. I wasn’t totally understanding why he was upset and it takes several discussions to clarify. So that makes my posts confusing.
 
When I read this thread, there are two things that come to my mind:
  1. Sometimes people come from different backgrounds - in one family yelling or even just a raised voice has been the usual way of dealing with upsets and they are used to it so it doesn’t bother them. In another family, anger hasn’t been allowed to be expressed so a person doesn’t know how to cope with it when someone else expresses in this way.
  2. I am wondering if this anger thing is really the issue for him? First, he’s bothered by your anger toward him. Then, you are taking care of that, so now the issue is your anger about other things. I wonder if this is turning into a situation where whatever you do or try to change, he will continue to find another excuse or issue to blame you for the relationship problems.
 
Sunbreak said:
When I read this thread, there are two things that come to my mind:
  1. Sometimes people come from different backgrounds - in one family yelling or even just a raised voice has been the usual way of dealing with upsets and they are used to it so it doesn’t bother them. In another family, anger hasn’t been allowed to be expressed so a person doesn’t know how to cope with it when someone else expresses in this way.
  2. I am wondering if this anger thing is really the issue for him? First, he’s bothered by your anger toward him. Then, you are taking care of that, so now the issue is your anger about other things. I wonder if this is turning into a situation where whatever you do or try to change, he will continue to find another excuse or issue to blame you for the relationship problems.
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  1. That is true in our case. His parents are not yellers and mine are. However, he had anger issues as a child so he sees any expression of anger as “bad”. This was resolved when he was in jr high and he generally has a high tolerance level before he gets angry.
  2. I wonder the same thing. It’s important to note that the earlier post was when he first said that he used to be scared of me. I assumed that it was when we argued. Then he clarified later that it was when I got extremely angry at other people/situations in front of him. When I would shake it was usually due to someone else but didn’t want to release anger in front of that person. The main issue was something that his parents did that I later found out that they did not in fact do (long story but he had lied about something they did). yes, I realize that it was wrong on both of our parts and I should’ve been more forgiving even if his parents actually did what I thought they had done. So now I do not have a reason to be angry with them and no longer express anger in private or in front of him. I thought it was safest to get my anger out at home in front of only my husband rather than fight with in-laws. My husband and I have agreed to move on to separate rooms and do something else if either of us is angry at the other (or another situation/person). I don’t want to scare him.
I fear that he is trying to keep coming up with excuses to stay mad. I hope not but I don’t always believe everything he says right now. He says he was never happy with our marriage but then he says that he intended to stay with me forever. He says that he hasn’t loved me since before we even set a wedding date but he wanted to have children with me. It’s all so contradictory. I’m confused and I am sure that’s probably why my posts are confusing.

I know that my husband has every reason to be angry. I really am truly committed to change. I don’t know why he’s still afraid if I haven’t done this in years. The counselor thinks time will heal this. I could understand why he’d want to leave if I resisted change and counseling but I’m trying hard and he’s still not sure that he can stay. I really just want a second chance.
 
bernadettefaith said:
  1. That is true in our case. His parents are not yellers and mine are. However, he had anger issues as a child so he sees any expression of anger as “bad”. This was resolved when he was in jr high and he generally has a high tolerance level before he gets angry.
  2. I wonder the same thing. It’s important to note that the earlier post was when he first said that he used to be scared of me. I assumed that it was when we argued. Then he clarified later that it was when I got extremely angry at other people/situations in front of him. When I would shake it was usually due to someone else but didn’t want to release anger in front of that person. The main issue was something that his parents did that I later found out that they did not in fact do (long story but he had lied about something they did). yes, I realize that it was wrong on both of our parts and I should’ve been more forgiving even if his parents actually did what I thought they had done. So now I do not have a reason to be angry with them and no longer express anger in private or in front of him. I thought it was safest to get my anger out at home in front of only my husband rather than fight with in-laws. My husband and I have agreed to move on to separate rooms and do something else if either of us is angry at the other (or another situation/person). I don’t want to scare him.
I fear that he is trying to keep coming up with excuses to stay mad. I hope not but I don’t always believe everything he says right now. He says he was never happy with our marriage but then he says that he intended to stay with me forever. He says that he hasn’t loved me since before we even set a wedding date but he wanted to have children with me. It’s all so contradictory. I’m confused and I am sure that’s probably why my posts are confusing.

I know that my husband has every reason to be angry. I really am truly committed to change. I don’t know why he’s still afraid if I haven’t done this in years. The counselor thinks time will heal this. I could understand why he’d want to leave if I resisted change and counseling but I’m trying hard and he’s still not sure that he can stay. I really just want a second chance.
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Please, please: I want to clarify that I definitely don’t see you at really to blame here, and your husband’s words and actions are, objectively, very upsetting. In my experience, “it takes two to tango” in these things, but oftentimes the responsibility lays mostly with one party, and this seems to be the case in your situation. The problem is, of course, that you can’t change your husband. So you just need to take responsibility for your role in being in this situation – however minor or major that role is, I have no idea – change what you need to change about your patterns of relating, and pray, pray, pray.
 
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