Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[bernadettefaith]

Please, please: I want to clarify that I definitely don’t see you at really to blame here, and your husband’s words and actions are, objectively, very upsetting. In my experience, “it takes two to tango” in these things, but oftentimes the responsibility lays mostly with one party, and this seems to be the case in your situation. The problem is, of course, that you can’t change your husband. So you just need to take responsibility for your role in being in this situation – however minor or major that role is, I have no idea – change what you need to change about your patterns of relating, and pray, pray, pray.

I agree. I’d definitely blame myself for at least 50% of the situation here. I understand why he’s angry but the extent of his anger seems extreme. I’m extremely grateful that he’s willing to work on this rather than taking off immediately. I’m also grateful that he recognizes that I’ve been working very, very hard to become better.

I do appreciate how this situation has encouraged me to pray more. I’d been stuck in a rut where I’d been lazy about praying as often as I should have.

 

[MJJean]

1

I fear that he is trying to keep coming up with excuses to stay mad. I hope not but I don’t always believe everything he says right now. He says he was never happy with our marriage but then he says that he intended to stay with me forever. He says that he hasn’t loved me since before we even set a wedding date but he wanted to have children with me. It’s all so contradictory. I’m confused and I am sure that’s probably why my posts are confusing.

Did he explain to the counselor that he wished he had dated and had sex with other women before committing to marriage? Does she understand that he works a high danger, high stress job and works a lot of hours at that? Then he comes home to a couple young kids and a busy/distracted/tired wife who is trying to take care of said kids and household? These things make such a difference.

If it helps I have been married to my husband for 10 years. 11 in December. We have had our ups and downs and some of the downs are similar to yours. He, while certainly not a virgin, felt he didn’t get enough single adult time to fool around before I snatched him up. He also works a high stress and dangerous job. And he had issues with some hurtful and angry things I said to him over the years. And he wished he had continued his education, but there was no way he could do so with his job.

We started working on us when we realized we were both not feeling connection and were unhappy. There were periods of time we each felt we may not love each other.

First, my husband realized that the job and lack of education wasn’t my fault and that leaving wouldn’t change the fact that he had responsibilities and would have to continue working. So, that helped. He recognized that some of his unhappiness simply had nothing to do with me and wasn’t something he could change for now, at least. I guess he’d blamed me, but not. As in he logically knew it wasn’t my fault,but some illogicalpartof him attached it to me anyways.

Second, he realized that having more sexual experiences wasn’t going to realistically be as he’d like to imagine. Often times, the fantasy is much better than the reality.

I think a large part of that was seeing co-workers and friends divorce and not be living it up as he and they imagined. Turns out, you still have to go to work, pay your bills, take the kids on visitations, deal with being tired and stressed just like when married without the benefit of a spouse to help, and that there aren’t perfect 10 women around every corner looking for one night stands.

I am pretty sure the thought of cooking his own meals, doing his own laundry, cleaning his own house, doing the yard work, shopping, errands, bill payment and car repairs on his own didn’t appeal much, either. Not to mention coming home alone, going to bed alone, and not seeing the kids every day isn’t exactly a happy thought. But that is the reality of a divorced man.

Then we finally talked about the emotional hurt I’d caused him and he had caused me and we agreed to understand each others point of view, forgive, and stop being chickens and let the feelings we’d restrained come naturally.

It was not without effort. We had to police our own behavior and not overreact or just give up when we had a setback. If I got angry or stressed and said something unkind, he had to not take it personally and I had to apologize and explain what was really wrong that made me behave that way so that he could understand. The more we did that the more we paid attention to our moods and motivations and could head off angry or hurtful behaviors at the pass.

What helped the most for us was that we started doing something together. We both needed to lose some weight and I needed to work on cardio because my heart is not in great shape and I will literally die if I don’t take action. My cardiologist was very clear on that point and my mom died at 44 from heart failure. I’m 38.

So, anyways, we started eating better, going to a cheap local gym together, helping and encouraging each other. That went a long way toward re-connection.

We also hide out in the gym parking lot and talk before we go in. Kids and dogs always need something or are in some kind of trouble and the household is loud. In the car, all alone, we can actually talk and laugh without interruption. It’s only about 30 minutes a day, but it’s made a world of difference.

And we made Saturday nights ours. We light candles, play music, talk, laugh, sometimes we play a game (I like Battleship ) and then we let the evening head where it may. No pressure to have sex and no pressure not to. No pressure to do anything but just be and enjoy each others company. Reminds us of why we married in the first place.

We have been closer and more solidly committed to each other, not just the marriage but each other as people, than we ever were.

There is hope.

Oh, and I once believed love shouldn’t take work. What I later realized was that love didn’t take work. It was always there. What took work was behaving like we loved each other and giving ourselves/the relationship the time and attention needed to allow love tobe felt and expressed.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Wow! That sounds so much like my situation! The counselor is aware of the job and home situation. He also told her that he’s curious about what other women are like. He’s never dated one so he has no idea. He says he doesn’t want to drag me down with all of his regrets.

I think he also glamorizes the divorced life in a way. He thinks he could come over and see his kids whenever he wants to and still have holidays together. That just sounds awkward to me. Why not just stay married if we get along that well? But he’s not out the door yet so I won’t lose hope. I don’t believe he will leave while things are getting better.

Thanks so much for sharing! It gives me hope!

 

[MJJean]

Wow! That sounds so much like my situation! The counselor is aware of the job and home situation. He also told her that he’s curious about what other women are like. He’s never dated one so he has no idea. He says he doesn’t want to drag me down with all of his regrets.

I think he also glamorizes the divorced life in a way. He thinks he could come over and see his kids whenever he wants to and still have holidays together. That just sounds awkward to me. Why not just stay married if we get along that well? But he’s not out the door yet so I won’t lose hope. I don’t believe he will leave while things are getting better.

Thanks so much for sharing! It gives me hope!

No problem.

Yeah, a lot of men who didn’t stay single into adulthood or who paired up in their early to mid 20’s seem to think there is this magical life out there of delightful debauchery. They think there are hordes of single women looking for a guy just like them. They think they’ll have this super cool man cave house or apartment and all these friends to hang out with when they aren’t chasing women. Oh, and they’re also pretty sure they’ll have the money to go out and do all the cool stuff they can’t afford to do while supporting a family. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I know a lot of divorced guys or guys who were divorced and have remarried to friends of mine. The single life ain’t so hot. They have to work, their money goes to bills and child support and/or alimony.They can’t afford the cool items and clothes they thought they could. They’re also still working their long weeks and exhausted only now they have to do their own housework and errands and shopping and cooking and so on.

They aren’t going out every weekend because one weekend they have their kids and the next they could call the guys to go out, but the guys either have other plans or are at home with their families.

Women…good luck with that! Most between 20 and 40 are married or in long term relationships. Some are single and never married, but they’re picky and hesitant to become involved with a man with kids and an ex wife. Others aren’t exactly quality. And the few that are good single women who want to date have a line a mile long of men who are hoping to become their Mr. Last thing a guy wants to be is the old guy at the club. of course there could also be an added complication of a suitable woman who also has an ex and some kids. So the divorced guy is living with and caring for someone else’s kids, doesn’t see his own as much as he’d like, and has to play nice with his new woman’s ex.

And the kids. Yeah. Every other weekend, a few hours a day a few days a week if there is time to pick up and drop off with the work schedule, and alternating holidays or split holidays. A year or so of that and a guy gets the bonus of finding out his former wife has found one of the many single or divorced guys and is either in a relationship heading to marriage or she is getting remarried.

Most of the divorced guys I know are seriously desperately trying to get remarried. They’re lonely and broke and miss having someone to share their lives with. They went from “Waaaah, I didn’t have enough of a life and I hate all this responsibility.” to “Waaah, it’s not all it was cracked up to be and I just want to go back to having a wife and family.”

MEN! It’s like they have a pre-midlife crisis crisis once they realize they are adults with adult responsibilities.

I do think some carved out time alone will help you two. And get him a hobby if he doesn’t have one. Something that he can look forward to enjoying that makes him feel like he is a person in addition to husband/ father/employee. It’ll make him feel better and keep him from dwelling on his regrets. Instead of obsessing over the glorified single life my husband now has his weight loss and muscle building to obsess over. We aren’t very fit yet and progress is slow, but who cares? We have something to do, something to talk about, something to share, and we feel like we’re a team making some forward progress.

Oooh, and you get a hobby too! Having something to talk to him about with enthusiasm is very helpful. My husband swears my hobby (car repair) makes me more interesting and attractive. I talk about it with enthusiasm and he responds to that even though car repair isn’t his thing. I also take a bit of time every day to read and research whatever catches my eye so I have topics of conversation when the hubby is home.

He told me a few weeks ago he thinks I should take community college mechanics classes and get certified so I can get a part time job or buy, repair, and resell cars for extra cash. I’m not sure if i will do that as car repair is kinda my zen thing and making it a job would make it…different. But I was thrilled he has me as someone with interest and potential.

I also took up knitting to keep my hands busy to prepare to quit smoking. I made him hold the yard while I work. He actually likes it. Says it makes him feel all warm and fuzzy that I need him.

 

[bernadettefaith]

No problem.

Yeah, a lot of men who didn’t stay single into adulthood or who paired up in their early to mid 20’s seem to think there is this magical life out there of delightful debauchery. They think there are hordes of single women looking for a guy just like them. They think they’ll have this super cool man cave house or apartment and all these friends to hang out with when they aren’t chasing women. Oh, and they’re also pretty sure they’ll have the money to go out and do all the cool stuff they can’t afford to do while supporting a family. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I know a lot of divorced guys or guys who were divorced and have remarried to friends of mine. The single life ain’t so hot. They have to work, their money goes to bills and child support and/or alimony.They can’t afford the cool items and clothes they thought they could. They’re also still working their long weeks and exhausted only now they have to do their own housework and errands and shopping and cooking and so on.

They aren’t going out every weekend because one weekend they have their kids and the next they could call the guys to go out, but the guys either have other plans or are at home with their families.

Women…good luck with that! Most between 20 and 40 are married or in long term relationships. Some are single and never married, but they’re picky and hesitant to become involved with a man with kids and an ex wife. Others aren’t exactly quality. And the few that are good single women who want to date have a line a mile long of men who are hoping to become their Mr. Last thing a guy wants to be is the old guy at the club. of course there could also be an added complication of a suitable woman who also has an ex and some kids. So the divorced guy is living with and caring for someone else’s kids, doesn’t see his own as much as he’d like, and has to play nice with his new woman’s ex.

And the kids. Yeah. Every other weekend, a few hours a day a few days a week if there is time to pick up and drop off with the work schedule, and alternating holidays or split holidays. A year or so of that and a guy gets the bonus of finding out his former wife has found one of the many single or divorced guys and is either in a relationship heading to marriage or she is getting remarried.

Most of the divorced guys I know are seriously desperately trying to get remarried. They’re lonely and broke and miss having someone to share their lives with. They went from “Waaaah, I didn’t have enough of a life and I hate all this responsibility.” to “Waaah, it’s not all it was cracked up to be and I just want to go back to having a wife and family.”

MEN! It’s like they have a pre-midlife crisis crisis once they realize they are adults with adult responsibilities.

I think a remarriage is what he wants more than anything. He’s looking for love and doesn’t feel it for me right now. At first I thought he wanted to be with random women but in reality he wants to have a long term relationship that may or may not lead to marriage. He also thinks that we would still get along well and do everything as a family, just with him living separately. I just don’t see how I’d be comfortable with him bringing his new girlfriend or wife to our family functions. That just seems awkward! He also believes that he could give half of each paycheck as child support and still support himself. He makes a decent living but not nearly enough to do that! There certainly would be no money for dates and most women expect a man to pay (at least at first).

He also says that his ideal partner would have a career. That’s kind of a slap in the face to me because I am a SAHM. However, I do have a 4 year degree and plan to complete my Master’s degree and go back to work when my ds starts kingergarten. After talking to him, he realizes that this situation is not forever and I will have a career some day. He said that he didn’t realize what a sacrifice being a SAHM is for me.

 

[white_sheep]

Tell him to stop acting like a girl and be a man. We take a VOW to stick it out rich or poor, sickness and health, better or worse. We do that not because it is hard to stick it out if you strike it rich, have good health and everything is awesome, but because sometimes you get poor, sick, and worse. Love(or at least some notions of it) has nothing to do with a marriage commitment. He needs to accept his responsibility and the commitments he made in front of God and family to his children.

Then again, maybe he’s just trying to get more sex. He isn’t the first guy to ever say he got married for sex.

 

[MJJean]

I think a remarriage is what he wants more than anything. He’s looking for love and doesn’t feel it for me right now. At first I thought he wanted to be with random women but in reality he wants to have a long term relationship that may or may not lead to marriage. He also thinks that we would still get along well and do everything as a family, just with him living separately. I just don’t see how I’d be comfortable with him bringing his new girlfriend or wife to our family functions. That just seems awkward! He also believes that he could give half of each paycheck as child support and still support himself. He makes a decent living but not nearly enough to do that! There certainly would be no money for dates and most women expect a man to pay (at least at first).

He also says that his ideal partner would have a career. That’s kind of a slap in the face to me because I am a SAHM. However, I do have a 4 year degree and plan to complete my Master’s degree and go back to work when my ds starts kingergarten. After talking to him, he realizes that this situation is not forever and I will have a career some day. He said that he didn’t realize what a sacrifice being a SAHM is for me.

I was editing when you posted. I added some tidbits that may help.

My husband was stressing because I am also SAHM and he feels a lot of pressure being the sole income earner. It’s not forever for us, either. I drive the kids to and from school since they do not have buses. It’s hard to find a job with only a H.S. diploma and the ability to only work certain hours due to the kids school and sport schedule. DH somehow saw me as less than all those other wives who do work.

I got and decided to go on strike. It was a hoot! They didn’t make it a day without me doing what I do for them. By the next morning they were begging me to go back to “work”.

It rarely works out the way your husband would like. After a divorce people change. You’d change and so would he. Of course you could be friendly or at least civil, but he wouldn’t be having his cake and eating it, too. He really does need to understand that.

A certain couple I know are both working and still stressed and fighting over money. Why? Because he works mad hours to pay for living expenses plus support and alimony. She doesn’t think he is contributing to the household enough in terms of helping out and financially. They don’t spend very much time together between working and child rearing. She has 2 still at home (2 moved out) and he has 2 young ones he gets every other weekend and a couple hours a day a couple days a week. It’s not easy for them. That’s what your DH could be looking at if he doesn’t get his head straight.

 

[MJJean]

Then again, maybe he’s just trying to get more sex. He isn’t the first guy to ever say he got married for sex.

My DH and his friends had a chat about that. He was the first to marry by quite a few years. Apparently, most of the guys wanted to get married for regular sex. And food. I was shocked at how impressed the single male friends were with simple home cooked food. Most of them survive on the dollar menu at pick a fast food place. Lucky they have’t keeled over from malnutrition!

 

[bernadettefaith]

Tell him to stop acting like a girl and be a man. We take a VOW to stick it out rich or poor, sickness and health, better or worse. We do that not because it is hard to stick it out if you strike it rich, have good health and everything is awesome, but because sometimes you get poor, sick, and worse. Love(or at least some notions of it) has nothing to do with a marriage commitment. He needs to accept his responsibility and the commitments he made in front of God and family to his children.

Then again, maybe he’s just trying to get more sex. He isn’t the first guy to ever say he got married for sex.

He could be just looking for more sex but he also wants love. He says he can’t have sex without love so he refuses to touch me in any way other than a quick goodbye hug. He says that he feels that I love him so maybe a step in the right direction. The counselor is prepared to help him with intimacy issues.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I was editing when you posted. I added some tidbits that may help.

My husband was stressing because I am also SAHM and he feels a lot of pressure being the sole income earner. It’s not forever for us, either. I drive the kids to and from school since they do not have buses. It’s hard to find a job with only a H.S. diploma and the ability to only work certain hours due to the kids school and sport schedule. DH somehow saw me as less than all those other wives who do work.

I got and decided to go on strike. It was a hoot! They didn’t make it a day without me doing what I do for them. By the next morning they were begging me to go back to “work”.

It rarely works out the way your husband would like. After a divorce people change. You’d change and so would he. Of course you could be friendly or at least civil, but he wouldn’t be having his cake and eating it, too. He really does need to understand that.

A certain couple I know are both working and still stressed and fighting over money. Why? Because he works mad hours to pay for living expenses plus support and alimony. She doesn’t think he is contributing to the household enough in terms of helping out and financially. They don’t spend very much time together between working and child rearing. She has 2 still at home (2 moved out) and he has 2 young ones he gets every other weekend and a couple hours a day a couple days a week. It’s not easy for them. That’s what your DH could be looking at if he doesn’t get his head straight.

I saw the edit now He’s very into firearms and running/working out. Those things do keep him busy. He had weight problems as a teen and lost weight as a young adult (not sure if I mentioned before but he was morbidly obese). Because of his current career he needs to stay in shape. He’s mentioned that he couldn’t get dates other than me when he was overweight. I’m not sure how to take that but it makes me feel like he’s saying that he settled for me because nobody else was interested. That’s very upsetting. I understand that the way he feels now isn’t necessarily representative of how he’s always felt but it still hurts!

I know that I’ve hurt him but I wish he’d understand that swapping me out for another wife wouldn’t necessarily hurt him any less. Yes, she might be more mild mannered than I am but she could have other issues. No marriage is perfect. His ideal probably doesn’t exist - single woman, professional job, good income, no children. She would also be taking on the bulk of household expenses because he would have only half of a paycheck.

I don’t have a ton of hobbies (infant drains my time) but I do run as frequently as possible. I also take the dogs for long walks and that helps with my stress level.

 

[MJJean]

I saw the edit now He’s very into firearms and running/working out. Those things do keep him busy. He had weight problems as a teen and lost weight as a young adult (not sure if I mentioned before but he was morbidly obese). Because of his current career he needs to stay in shape. He’s mentioned that he couldn’t get dates other than me when he was overweight. I’m not sure how to take that but it makes me feel like he’s saying that he settled for me because nobody else was interested. That’s very upsetting. I understand that the way he feels now isn’t necessarily representative of how he’s always felt but it still hurts!

I know that I’ve hurt him but I wish he’d understand that swapping me out for another wife wouldn’t necessarily hurt him any less. Yes, she might be more mild mannered than I am but she could have other issues. No marriage is perfect. His ideal probably doesn’t exist - single woman, professional job, good income, no children. She would also be taking on the bulk of household expenses because he would have only half of a paycheck.

I don’t have a ton of hobbies (infant drains my time) but I do run as frequently as possible. I also take the dogs for long walks and that helps with my stress level.

My husband was also fat as a teen and told me he dated the girls he knew he could get even if he wasn’t into them. Once he started losing weight and feeling better about himself he started thinking maybe he could have done better than me. I laughed. Seriously, I laughed. It did hurt my feelings, and it wasn’t even just me he dated back then, but I felt he needed a does of reality. When he was fat I was a goddess he was grateful to have and adored. Reality of job and kids and all that sets in, he loses some weight on his own before I got involved, and all of a sudden I’m not so hot? HAH!

I pointed out I loved him when he was fat and I loved him when he got fit. I loved him when he was broke and had nothing but potential and I love him now that he has a decent career, so who could be better than me? Looks fade. Money comes and goes. A woman who puts up with you and loves you when you aren’t hot and flush with cash is priceless and we don’t grow on trees.

I get that you’ve made mistakes and hurt him, but you should also point out to him the things he should appreciate you for. And maybe point out that your anger and hurtful words are no worse than him thinking and saying these things about regrets and other women.

Single women with careers, good income, and no children generally aren’t looking to get tangled up with a man who has an ex wife and a couple of kids. Just so he knows. And even one who would isn’t going to be perfect and might just throw things at his head when she gets upset about said kids and ex wife taking his time and a portion of his income.

Dogs are great for stress! I have four of them and love em to pieces. Have you thought about enrolling in a dog training class for obedience or sport? You could take the kids with you, use an infant pack thingie for the baby, it’s generally inexpensive and it would give you another thing to get you out of the house and another topic of conversation when you’re home together.

 

[bernadettefaith]

My husband was also fat as a teen and told me he dated the girls he knew he could get even if he wasn’t into them. Once he started losing weight and feeling better about himself he started thinking maybe he could have done better than me. I laughed. Seriously, I laughed. It did hurt my feelings, and it wasn’t even just me he dated back then, but I felt he needed a does of reality. When he was fat I was a goddess he was grateful to have and adored. Reality of job and kids and all that sets in, he loses some weight on his own before I got involved, and all of a sudden I’m not so hot? HAH!

I pointed out I loved him when he was fat and I loved him when he got fit. I loved him when he was broke and had nothing but potential and I love him now that he has a decent career, so who could be better than me? Looks fade. Money comes and goes. A woman who puts up with you and loves you when you aren’t hot and flush with cash is priceless and we don’t grow on trees.

I get that you’ve made mistakes and hurt him, but you should also point out to him the things he should appreciate you for. And maybe point out that your anger and hurtful words are no worse than him thinking and saying these things about regrets and other women.

Single women with careers, good income, and no children generally aren’t looking to get tangled up with a man who has an ex wife and a couple of kids. Just so he knows. And even one who would isn’t going to be perfect and might just throw things at his head when she gets upset about said kids and ex wife taking his time and a portion of his income.

Dogs are great for stress! I have four of them and love em to pieces. Have you thought about enrolling in a dog training class for obedience or sport? You could take the kids with you, use an infant pack thingie for the baby, it’s generally inexpensive and it would give you another thing to get you out of the house and another topic of conversation when you’re home together.

He will claim it isn’t about looks. But he will say that he might have found someone more compatible with him if he looked around. He just believes that he could have found someone who was less angry if he looked around. He also thinks he might have appreciated me more if I hadn’t been the first woman he dated. He thinks that his “ideal career woman” would love him even if he were fat and broke. Maybe so but I’m the only person that he knows for a fact would be there even when he was fat and broke.

I have thought about obedience training. Dh would appreciate it if the dogs were better behaved as I admit I’m not the best with training them.

 

[MJJean]

He will claim it isn’t about looks. But he will say that he might have found someone more compatible with him if he looked around. He just believes that he could have found someone who was less angry if he looked around. He also thinks he might have appreciated me more if I hadn’t been the first woman he dated. He thinks that his “ideal career woman” would love him even if he were fat and broke. Maybe so but I’m the only person that he knows for a fact would be there even when he was fat and broke.

I have thought about obedience training. Dh would appreciate it if the dogs were better behaved as I admit I’m not the best with training them.

He doesn’t need to date other women, then or now, to properly appreciate what he has. Silly that he thinks so.

Nope, I’m pretty sure ideal career women see their man put on a few pounds while being broke and they decide they’re too good for the bum and trade up.

“Maybe so but I’m the only person that he knows for a fact would be there even when he was fat and broke.”

EXACTLY! Your DH needs to think hard about that one.

Look into a positive reinforcement trainer with a good reputation and go for it! Some people take the classes and just enjoy better behaved dogs at home. Others use it as a basis for sport training and still others go whole hog and enter into obedience competitions. Flyball, agility, protection sports, dock jumping, weight pulling, herding…endless possibilities. Your dogs could even become certified therapy dogs and visit old folks and people in hospitals.

I don’t know the breeds of dog you own or if you are a homeowner or renter but landlords and insurance companies give breaks to people with dogs who have an obedience class certificate and recommendation from a dog trainer. They also give breaks to people whose dogs are CGC certified. And it would make your husband happy as well as give you something to be proud of and a possible way of volunteering even with an infant since you can bring the baby.

I’m working on training for CGC with my crew.

Info about CGC. Your dog does not have to be AKC registered or even a purebred to take the test.
akc.org/events/cgc/program.cfm

Information about therapy dog certification. There’s another group that certifies, but I can’t recall them right now. Darn old brain

tdi-dog.org/

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“He thinks that his “ideal career woman” would love him even if he were fat and broke.”

Hahahaha!

MJJean has said a lot of smart things. Your husband is thinking he can have his cake and eat it too. I would read some books together on children and divorce (like stuff by Judith Wallerstein) and also read some archived advice columns on remarriage, steps, and blended families (Dear Prudence at Slate or dearwendy.com are good places to look). It’s really HARD to put together a step-family. In your intact family, with all of your failings, you are the biological parents and the two of you are invested in your children. If you spend 10 bucks on a kid, that’s 10 bucks spent on a kid that belongs to both of you and that you both love. If a kid sasses you, it’s a child belonging to both of you, and it’s clear that you both have the right to discipline that child. In a step family, all of this is much murkier. It’s really hard to say what’s fair, and who has the right to do what.

You only really know what it’s like to be married to somebody once you’re married to them, which is why he is headed for disappointment if he marries another woman, thinking that she’s going to be totally different from you. With a few exceptions, women are more alike than different. There’s a funny country song (“She only bitches when she breathes”) that I suggest you play for your husband. It’s about a guy who, one year after getting married, has discovered that his wife is not all sugar and spice.

youtube.com/watch?v=rxtd5Hj0yxo

 

[bernadettefaith]

He doesn’t need to date other women, then or now, to properly appreciate what he has. Silly that he thinks so.

Nope, I’m pretty sure ideal career women see their man put on a few pounds while being broke and they decide they’re too good for the bum and trade up.

“Maybe so but I’m the only person that he knows for a fact would be there even when he was fat and broke.”

EXACTLY! Your DH needs to think hard about that one.

Look into a positive reinforcement trainer with a good reputation and go for it! Some people take the classes and just enjoy better behaved dogs at home. Others use it as a basis for sport training and still others go whole hog and enter into obedience competitions. Flyball, agility, protection sports, dock jumping, weight pulling, herding…endless possibilities. Your dogs could even become certified therapy dogs and visit old folks and people in hospitals.

I don’t know the breeds of dog you own or if you are a homeowner or renter but landlords and insurance companies give breaks to people with dogs who have an obedience class certificate and recommendation from a dog trainer. They also give breaks to people whose dogs are CGC certified. And it would make your husband happy as well as give you something to be proud of and a possible way of volunteering even with an infant since you can bring the baby.

I’m working on training for CGC with my crew.

Info about CGC. Your dog does not have to be AKC registered or even a purebred to take the test.
akc.org/events/cgc/program.cfm

Information about therapy dog certification. There’s another group that certifies, but I can’t recall them right now. Darn old brain

tdi-dog.org/

I’ve told him that I have been there for him this whole time but he doesn’t really seem to get it. He wants to believe that he could date other women and would still choose to be with me. He wants to feel like it’s his choice. I don’t want to pressure him but I do feel unappreciated right now. I’m waiting patiently for him to come around, hoping and praying that it happens some day.

Our dogs are mutts from the shelter. One looks like possibly boxer and Boston terrier. The other is likely a dachshund/beagle cross of some kind. Those are just guesses of course. We’re homeowners but not sure if insurance offers a discount.

 

[bernadettefaith]

bernadettefaith said:

“He thinks that his “ideal career woman” would love him even if he were fat and broke.”

Hahahaha!

MJJean has said a lot of smart things. Your husband is thinking he can have his cake and eat it too. I would read some books together on children and divorce (like stuff by Judith Wallerstein) and also read some archived advice columns on remarriage, steps, and blended families (Dear Prudence at Slate or dearwendy.com are good places to look). It’s really HARD to put together a step-family. In your intact family, with all of your failings, you are the biological parents and the two of you are invested in your children. If you spend 10 bucks on a kid, that’s 10 bucks spent on a kid that belongs to both of you and that you both love. If a kid sasses you, it’s a child belonging to both of you, and it’s clear that you both have the right to discipline that child. In a step family, all of this is much murkier. It’s really hard to say what’s fair, and who has the right to do what.

You only really know what it’s like to be married to somebody once you’re married to them, which is why he is headed for disappointment if he marries another woman, thinking that she’s going to be totally different from you. With a few exceptions, women are more alike than different. There’s a funny country song (“She only bitches when she breathes”) that I suggest you play for your husband. It’s about a guy who, one year after getting married, has discovered that his wife is not all sugar and spice.

youtube.com/watch?v=rxtd5Hj0yxo

Lol the counselor said specifically that he could end up with a miserable ***** next time. It doesn’t seem to mean anything to him though because he believes that he would know how to pick the right wife next time and he would love her so all would work out.

Step families definitely are complicated. I don’t know a lot of people who are remarried but I can only imagine that it’s difficult when dealing with kids. He thinks the main source of our arguments are the kids. That wouldn’t change if we divorced. In fact, we’ve gotten to the point where we can work together well with parenting and a divorce would only make that more complicated.

 

[Xantippe]

“Lol the counselor said specifically that he could end up with a miserable ***** next time. It doesn’t seem to mean anything to him though because he believes that he would know how to pick the right wife next time and he would love her so all would work out.”

Heeheehee! Sorry–I know you’re hurting, but he’s being so dumb and so naive.

Wives aren’t like microwaves–you can’t read a couple of reviews on Amazon and know what you’re getting.

“Step families definitely are complicated. I don’t know a lot of people who are remarried but I can only imagine that it’s difficult when dealing with kids. He thinks the main source of our arguments are the kids. That wouldn’t change if we divorced. In fact, we’ve gotten to the point where we can work together well with parenting and a divorce would only make that more complicated.”

If you divorce and he remarries, he’ll wind up arguing with both you and his new wife about your kids, and with his new wife about HER kids, and then he can try to settle arguments between your kids and her kids and between her and you and between her and your kids, etc. The possibilities are truly endless.

At the moment, your husband sounds like a five-year-old planning to get a puppy.

 

[bernadettefaith]

“Lol the counselor said specifically that he could end up with a miserable ***** next time. It doesn’t seem to mean anything to him though because he believes that he would know how to pick the right wife next time and he would love her so all would work out.”

Heeheehee! Sorry–I know you’re hurting, but he’s being so dumb and so naive.

Wives aren’t like microwaves–you can’t read a couple of reviews on Amazon and know what you’re getting.

“Step families definitely are complicated. I don’t know a lot of people who are remarried but I can only imagine that it’s difficult when dealing with kids. He thinks the main source of our arguments are the kids. That wouldn’t change if we divorced. In fact, we’ve gotten to the point where we can work together well with parenting and a divorce would only make that more complicated.”

If you divorce and he remarries, he’ll wind up arguing with both you and his new wife about your kids, and with his new wife about HER kids, and then he can try to settle arguments between your kids and her kids and between her and you and between her and your kids, etc. The possibilities are truly endless.

At the moment, your husband sounds like a five-year-old planning to get a puppy.

Lol funny thing is that once he mentioned that maybe he should just get a dog instead of a wife if all wives come with baggage.

 

[Xantippe]

“Lol funny thing is that once he mentioned that maybe he should just get a dog instead of a wife if all wives come with baggage.”

All women are crazy. All men are stupid.

The internet says that’s a George Carlin quote. I apologize for the gross over-generalization to any non-crazy women and non-stupid men out there, but I find it a very handy rule of thumb.

I personally think that sex ed is really deficient if it lacks the following units:

1. the night you reeeeallllly have to have sex is the night you’re going to get pregnant
2. PMS–not a myth!
3. pregnancy and postpartum and perimenopause hormones will make your wife CRAZY
4. people are much nicer to their spouses in public–your friend’s spouse isn’t nearly as nice as you may think.
5. the Joneses haven’t had sex since the late 90s
6. If you have kids with somebody, you’re going to wind up seeing them at all major occasions (weddings, funerals, graduations, etc.) for the rest of your mortal lives.

 

[quiet52]

I hope your husband will realize that the children will suffer in the short term and in the long term if he leaves you. He seems to be in denial about how devastating divorce can be. Your children deserve to have a father and a mother who love each other no matter how they “feel.” FAMILY matters. It’s not just about your marriage any more.

My prayer is that the two of you will allow our Lord to be partners with you in your relationship.

For Your Marriage: foryourmarriage.org/

Marriage: usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/

Pope Francis answers questions from youth about marriage…
October 4, 2013. (Romereports.com) During the noisy and festive gathering with youth from Umbria, the Pope answered their questions on several topics. The first, from a young couple, asked about marriage. Pope Francis responded that the union between a man and woman is a vocation, like that of a priest.

It’s based on love, he said, love for each other, and love for God. He lamented that today’s society places greater emphasis on individual rights, over families. He recalls an experience he once had with a couple about to marry.

“You know that marriage is for a lifetime? ‘Yes, we love each other, but we’ll stay together as long as love lasts. When it’s over, we go our separate ways.’ That is selfishness.”
Pope Francis added that marriage is risky but he urged youth not to be afraid to take such an important step, and to trust to God will be at their side.
romereports.com/palio/pope-francis-answers-questions-from-youth-in-assisi-marriage-and-priesthood-are-for-life-english-11232.html#.Uk8tYRD4IXs