Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[bernadettefaith]

“Lol funny thing is that once he mentioned that maybe he should just get a dog instead of a wife if all wives come with baggage.”

All women are crazy. All men are stupid.

The internet says that’s a George Carlin quote. I apologize for the gross over-generalization to any non-crazy women and non-stupid men out there, but I find it a very handy rule of thumb.

I personally think that sex ed is really deficient if it lacks the following units:

1. the night you reeeeallllly have to have sex is the night you’re going to get pregnant
2. PMS–not a myth!
3. pregnancy and postpartum and perimenopause hormones will make your wife CRAZY
4. people are much nicer to their spouses in public–your friend’s spouse isn’t nearly as nice as you may think.
5. the Joneses haven’t had sex since the late 90s
6. If you have kids with somebody, you’re going to wind up seeing them at all major occasions (weddings, funerals, graduations, etc.) for the rest of your mortal lives.

lol Good list!

The frustrating thing is that he was interested in sex back when I was pregnant/first few months postpartum and I was pretty crazy and had no interest. He got upset because I went along and did it anyway but he could tell I was not really enjoying it. Now that I’m 9 mos postpartum I’m ready to go again and he will have nothing to do with me. The counselor says that there’s more to a good relationship than sex…and that may be true but this is not like him. I believe he’s doing this out of anger/resentment not because he truly doesn’t like sex. He’s has this delayed reaction and it frustrates me because I’m no longer rejecting him and do not have a negative attitude toward him.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I hope your husband will realize that the children will suffer in the short term and in the long term if he leaves you. He seems to be in denial about how devastating divorce can be. Your children deserve to have a father and a mother who love each other no matter how they “feel.” FAMILY matters. It’s not just about your marriage any more.

My prayer is that the two of you will allow our Lord to be partners with you in your relationship.

For Your Marriage: foryourmarriage.org/

Marriage: usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/

Pope Francis answers questions from youth about marriage…
October 4, 2013. (Romereports.com) During the noisy and festive gathering with youth from Umbria, the Pope answered their questions on several topics. The first, from a young couple, asked about marriage. Pope Francis responded that the union between a man and woman is a vocation, like that of a priest.

It’s based on love, he said, love for each other, and love for God. He lamented that today’s society places greater emphasis on individual rights, over families. He recalls an experience he once had with a couple about to marry.

“You know that marriage is for a lifetime? ‘Yes, we love each other, but we’ll stay together as long as love lasts. When it’s over, we go our separate ways.’ That is selfishness.”
Pope Francis added that marriage is risky but he urged youth not to be afraid to take such an important step, and to trust to God will be at their side.
romereports.com/palio/pope-francis-answers-questions-from-youth-in-assisi-marriage-and-priesthood-are-for-life-english-11232.html#.Uk8tYRD4IXs

Thanks for the quote! Dh isn’t crazy about the Church right now but he is a fan of Pope Francis.

He sees the worst cases of divorce through his work. I have a feeling that he fears that by waiting until things get terrible before divorcing that he’s causing a bitter divorce. I think that he believes that divorcing while still on good terms is better than divorcing when both parties absolutely hate each other. It makes sense to me to just stay married if we get along ok. We’re not fighting or violent or doing anything that could potentially harm the kids.

He believes that it’s not selfish to leave because he thinks that he would be happier if divorced. He feels that his happiness would in turn make the kids happier. I just don’t get it. He always says that his dad was a good husband and he was happy to see his parents in a good relationship. However, he believes that his parents were only happy because they chose their right person and he’s convinced he’s with the wrong person.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Really, I’m not asking for complete and total forgiveness immediately. He never once told me that he was unhappy until June. I guess maybe I could have seen it but wasn’t paying enough attention because I was so distracted with the little ones. I get that he’s angry and a lot of little issues have turned into bigger issues since we didn’t deal with them as they came up. He imagines that a marriage with the right person wouldn’t take this much work. I just think that we didn’t put the work in as the issues first came up so now we’re dealing with a lot. I just want to be moving in the right direction and for him to have a commitment to the marriage. I’m fine with him not wanting to touch me or have any form of intimacy right now as long as divorce isn’t an option. I know that he’s sure he wants to stay at least for another year so I should be grateful I suppose. We’ve had only positive interactions for 4 months now. A lot can change in a year.

I still don’t believe that he wasn’t in love when we married. He claims that he wanted a wife, kids, and sex and intended on being with me forever but didn’t have any love for me. I know that he wouldn’t have stuck all these years without love. I guess that he’s confused so whenever I speak to him I just end up even more confused

Oh and he’s off on Sundays this month so he’s attending mass with the family. Not sure if he will get anything out of it but I’m glad he’s going.

 

[Julianna]

I think a remarriage is what he wants more than anything. He’s looking for love and doesn’t feel it for me right now. At first I thought he wanted to be with random women but in reality he wants to have a long term relationship that may or may not lead to marriage. He also thinks that we would still get along well and do everything as a family, just with him living separately. I just don’t see how I’d be comfortable with him bringing his new girlfriend or wife to our family functions. That just seems awkward! He also believes that he could give half of each paycheck as child support and still support himself. He makes a decent living but not nearly enough to do that! There certainly would be no money for dates and most women expect a man to pay (at least at first).

He also says that his ideal partner would have a career. That’s kind of a slap in the face to me because I am a SAHM. However, I do have a 4 year degree and plan to complete my Master’s degree and go back to work when my ds starts kingergarten. After talking to him, he realizes that this situation is not forever and I will have a career some day. He said that he didn’t realize what a sacrifice being a SAHM is for me.

Not sure why you thought that was a slap in the face after he told you how he really felt. Why spend all that money going to college if you aren’t going to use it? If you have no financial issues (law enforcement is not known for it’s great pay)…then perhaps, yeah, it would be a slap in the face. Are the long hours “overtime”?

Men do get in ruts…and its usually around the 7 yrs of marriage. It is very scary indeed for a woman who has no marketable skills, or has been out of school for so long, the degree becomes meaningless to find themselves in a situation where you are now.

I am glad you all are seeking counseling and are getting the bottom of what makes him tick. I don’t see a SAHM as being a sacrifice. This is something you all agree to do or you don’t. As long as you both “agree” on which. Perhaps he may have thought you would have gone back to work after your first child and that didn’t happen, so he dug in emotionally.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Not sure why you thought that was a slap in the face after he told you how he really felt. Why spend all that money going to college if you aren’t going to use it? If you have no financial issues (law enforcement is not known for it’s great pay)…then perhaps, yeah, it would be a slap in the face. Are the long hours “overtime”?

Men do get in ruts…and its usually around the 7 yrs of marriage. It is very scary indeed for a woman who has no marketable skills, or has been out of school for so long, the degree becomes meaningless to find themselves in a situation where you are now.

I am glad you all are seeking counseling and are getting the bottom of what makes him tick. I don’t see a SAHM as being a sacrifice. This is something you all agree to do or you don’t. As long as you both “agree” on which. Perhaps he may have thought you would have gone back to work after your first child and that didn’t happen, so he dug in emotionally.

I should clarify, he said that he would respect me more if I worked. That’s what was a slap in the face. I think that being a SAHM is a very respectable choice. I didn’t originally intend on being a SAHM but my personal beliefs are that it’s best for a mother to be with her children as infants and toddlers. I get that it wasn’t his ideal when we got married. We didn’t intend on him having a well paying job like he has so things changed. I intended to stay at my Catholic school job and have my mother babysit my children at no cost. However, that job was 45 minutes from home and paid almost nothing. So since my mother is too far to babysit on a regular basis and daycare is too expensive, we didn’t have a lot of viable options.

We definitely aren’t rich but don’t have financial difficulties. Most law enforcement jobs have terrible pay but his pays much better than others in our area as well as covering family benefits 100% with great insurance. The reality is that his overtime pay is $30 an hr when my pay as a teacher was $16K a year (Catholic school). His overtime is sometimes mandatory, sometimes voluntary depending on the job. They expect him to volunteer for overtime jobs as much as possible so he really can’t cut down to less than 50 hrs a week. We could get by without overtime but he chooses to work more. We don’t have debt other than our mortgage and have everything we need and more. We could certainly cut back on a lot of luxuries and get by on his base salary. I’m not staying home forever. My baby will be in kindergarten in 5 years so I will definitely be working full time at that point. We do not wish to try to conceive more children so this is most likely it. However, he might worry because my mom was a stay at home mom and never worked again. I’m planning on taking online classes to get my Master’s degree but again am not able to do that until the baby is in preschool. It requires a field experience and I do not have childcare available to me on a regular basis (paying for it isn’t really affordable right now).

I get that everyone sees it differently but I feel that it is a sacrifice in a way. If he were to divorce me, I have no job experience in the past 5 years and my teaching license has expired. I wasn’t working so I didn’t take the required coursework to keep up a license. I feel that I have sacrificed my career options as I am no longer marketable.

To save money, we have one vehicle - he drives a cruiser to work, cloth diaper, breastfeed, cook from scratch, and shop second hand when possible. My working wouldn’t make up for the additional cost of daycare, a second vehicle, and all the other things we would need.

I’ve never been a working mom, but many working moms say that work is a break from the rush of caring for babies all day. I don’t know that for a fact though. I’m sure it’s all hard.

It’s certainly not the main issue. He doesn’t want me to go back to work right now. He just thinks that he might have more in common with me if we had something to discuss about my day other than how the children were.

Oh and I’ve heard all about the 7 year thing. I just pray that we get through and don’t become another statistic.

 

[Julianna]

I should clarify, he said that he would respect me more if I worked. That’s what was a slap in the face. I think that being a SAHM is a very respectable choice. I didn’t originally intend on being a SAHM but my personal beliefs are that it’s best for a mother to be with her children as infants and toddlers. I get that it wasn’t his ideal when we got married. We didn’t intend on him having a well paying job like he has so things changed.

We aren’t rich but don’t have financial difficulties. The reality is that his overtime pay is $30 an hr when my pay as a teacher was $16K a year (Catholic school). His overtime is sometimes mandatory, sometimes voluntary depending on the job. They expect him to volunteer for overtime jobs as much as possible so he really can’t cut down to less than 50 hrs a week. We could get by without overtime but he chooses to work more. We don’t have debt other than our mortgage and have everything we need and more. We could certainly cut back on a lot of luxuries and get by on his base salary. I’m not staying home forever. My baby will be in kindergarten in 5 years so I will definitely be working full time at that point. However, he might worry because my mom was a stay at home mom and never worked again. I’m planning on taking online classes to get my Master’s degree but again am not able to do that until the baby is in preschool. It requires a field experience and I do not have childcare available to me on a regular basis (paying for it isn’t really affordable right now).

I get that everyone sees it differently but I feel that it is a sacrifice in a way.** If he were to divorce me, I have no job experience in the past 5 years and my teaching license has expired. I wasn’t working so I didn’t take the required coursework to keep up a license. **

To save money, we have one vehicle - he drives a cruiser to work, cloth diaper, breastfeed, cook from scratch, and shop second hand when possible. My working wouldn’t make up for the additional cost of daycare, a second vehicle, and all the other things we would need.

I’ve never been a working mom, but many working moms say that work is a break from the rush of caring for babies all day. I don’t know that for a fact though. I’m sure it’s all hard.

It’s certainly not the main issue. He doesn’t want me to go back to work right now. He just thinks that he might have more in common with me if we had something to discuss about my day other than how the children were.

This (in red) is very important. This is a major concern with women. Yes, perhaps he believes he might have more in common with you, as maybe he believes that your desire to go to college and getting a teaching degree really meant something to you and he doesn’t want you to give up the dream. 16K even as a teacher in a Catholic School seems very low. I guess it depends on where you live. I worked at a Catholic School when my kids were 4 and 2. I was the Director of a before and after school program. When may daughter turned 3, she came to work with me. It was part time, but it paid the tuition for my son when he went to kindergarten and it was a lot less than 16K. After we moved from the area, the Catholic School added a pre-school. My kids are grown and my daughter is expecting a baby. My husband has retired and I am still working. My daughter works part time and will go back to work when the baby is 6 wks old. My husband is going to be watching her while my daughter works. Economics have forced both my kids back home. My daughter, her fiancee (works full time) and my son. We have a full house, and we have each other. A woman’s independence begins with her own money. My daughter knows this and owns it. Men now days aren’t looking for Mrs. Cleaver, and women have realized it’s difficult to clean house in high heels and pearls.

Getting to the bottom with counseling will really help the both of you in the long run. Kids need mom and dad…they don’t need to “visit” dad on the weekends. Sadly, women who do not stay financially solvent end up living in poverty once a divorce happens. Good bye to the house, now you need a car, because you will “have” to go to work. I get the feeling from your posts that this scares the beegeebees out of you.

If there is a way you can get your Master’s on line, no time like the present. Go for it. This may take the edge off your husband if he sees you as “pro active” on this an perhaps will open up more to you.

 

[bernadettefaith]

This (in red) is very important. This is a major concern with women. Yes, perhaps he believes he might have more in common with you, as maybe he believes that your desire to go to college and getting a teaching degree really meant something to you and he doesn’t want you to give up the dream. 16K even as a teacher in a Catholic School seems very low. I guess it depends on where you live. I worked at a Catholic School when my kids were 4 and 2. I was the Director of a before and after school program. When may daughter turned 3, she came to work with me. It was part time, but it paid the tuition for my son when he went to kindergarten and it was a lot less than 16K. After we moved from the area, the Catholic School added a pre-school. My kids are grown and my daughter is expecting a baby. My husband has retired and I am still working. My daughter works part time and will go back to work when the baby is 6 wks old. My husband is going to be watching her while my daughter works. Economics have forced both my kids back home. My daughter, her fiancee (works full time) and my son. We have a full house, and we have each other. A woman’s independence begins with her own money. My daughter knows this and owns it. Men now days aren’t looking for Mrs. Cleaver, and women have realized it’s difficult to clean house in high heels and pearls.

Getting to the bottom with counseling will really help the both of you in the long run. Kids need mom and dad…they don’t need to “visit” dad on the weekends. Sadly, women who do not stay financially solvent end up living in poverty once a divorce happens. Good bye to the house, now you need a car, because you will “have” to go to work. I get the feeling from your posts that this scares the beegeebees out of you.

If there is a way you can get your Master’s on line, no time like the present. Go for it. This may take the edge off your husband if he sees you as “pro active” on this an perhaps will open up more to you.

Well the $16K was in a very low cost of living area and was 5 years ago. Public school jobs in prek-grade 3 are hard to come by out here.

I can get my masters online but it will require field experience. I don’t have a reliable babysitter right now and can’t really do that around dh’s work schedule. Once he turns 3 I can maybe arrange field experience while he’s in preschool.

 

[Hearmyprayer]

My heart is breaking for you. I am going through something similar at the moment. I admire you and your husband for being able to talk openly about this. I will pray for you, for your marriage, and for your happiness,

 

[bernadettefaith]

My heart is breaking for you. I am going through something similar at the moment. I admire you and your husband for being able to talk openly about this. I will pray for you, for your marriage, and for your happiness,

Thank you! I’m sorry to hear of your situation. Will pray for you as well.

 

[k2912p]

Dear Bernadette,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You said that you didn’t know he was unhappy until June. I’m curious. Did anything happen around that time? Is there, perhaps, a woman co-worker that started around that time? Just a thought, as I went through this with DH.

Also, (this sounds very familiar to what I went through with my DH) you mentioned his hours at work. My DH was working very long hours, and sometimes he would close one night and open the next. His sleep schedule was very abnormal.

Sleep-shift disorder (I think that what it’s called) is a very real thing. If he is not getting enough sleep, or enough QUALITY sleep, that can cause things like irritability, depression, etc. Is it possible that this is what is the case? If so, it is very likely that rectifying that situation would get things back on track. I would recommend that he go for a physical with his doctor, to see if there’s an underlying cause, and get a sleep study done. You’d be surprised what poor sleep can cause!!!

From what you have said, it sounds to me like he wants to feel love for you. It sounds like he wants this to get better. Otherwise, he probably wouldn’t agree to counseling!

Prayers for you, dear heart. :hug1:

 

[bernadettefaith]

Dear Bernadette,

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You said that you didn’t know he was unhappy until June. I’m curious. Did anything happen around that time? Is there, perhaps, a woman co-worker that started around that time? Just a thought, as I went through this with DH.

Also, (this sounds very familiar to what I went through with my DH) you mentioned his hours at work. My DH was working very long hours, and sometimes he would close one night and open the next. His sleep schedule was very abnormal.

Sleep-shift disorder (I think that what it’s called) is a very real thing. If he is not getting enough sleep, or enough QUALITY sleep, that can cause things like irritability, depression, etc. Is it possible that this is what is the case? If so, it is very likely that rectifying that situation would get things back on track. I would recommend that he go for a physical with his doctor, to see if there’s an underlying cause, and get a sleep study done. You’d be surprised what poor sleep can cause!!!

From what you have said, it sounds to me like he wants to feel love for you. It sounds like he wants this to get better. Otherwise, he probably wouldn’t agree to counseling!

Prayers for you, dear heart. :hug1:

Thanks for the prayers. He doesn’t have any straight female coworkers. He did have a close female friend but I’m sure she was just a friend. She’s the one who encouraged him to work things out with me. She told him he had too much to lose here. She’s moved away across the country anyway.

His sleep schedule is very irregular. He works during the day for 2 months and then one month of night shift. There’s not much that can be done about this because the hours are mandatory and cannot be changed. He had mono recently and that was probably due to lack of sleep.

I do think that he wants to work things out. He probably doesn’t want to be with me but he does want to have a family and not have the failure of a divorce. Maybe in time he will cha the his mind. I think that right now he’s just afraid to trust that I’ve changed for good.

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“He sees the worst cases of divorce through his work. I have a feeling that he fears that by waiting until things get terrible before divorcing that he’s causing a bitter divorce.”

You can point out to him that in his line of work, he is never going to see the couples that had a rough spot and are now doing just fine. Those couples are not calling the cops.

simplemarriage.net/stick-it-out/

I wasn’t able to locate the study, but there is one that followed unhappily married couples and found that five years later, they were mostly happy again.

Things do change for the better.

“He believes that it’s not selfish to leave because he thinks that he would be happier if divorced.”

I believe there’s a lot of research showing that our happiness levels are relatively stable. So, for instance, if you get married or win the lottery, you may have a bump up in happiness, but after some time goes by, you’ll be back at your normal level. That makes sense, doesn’t it?

You can look around for this stuff and ask your counselor about it.

“He feels that his happiness would in turn make the kids happier. I just don’t get it. He always says that his dad was a good husband and he was happy to see his parents in a good relationship. However, he believes that his parents were only happy because they chose their right person and he’s convinced he’s with the wrong person.”

But what if he is the wrong person? Has he ever noticed that some people marry over and over and over again, always in search of “the right person” and never finding them. As they say, wherever you go, there you are.

More in a bit.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Yes! I read that study! 80% of the participants who rated their marriage as “very unhappy” rated their marriage as “happy” 5 years later. Those who divorced were no happier and we’re just as depressed as those who stayed married. Looks like the odds are in our favor.

Deep down, I truly believe that forgiveness will come with time. I believe that he wants to forgive or he would have left a long time ago. It’s just hard to keep up that hope.

 

[Mayita30]

Thanks for the quote! Dh isn’t crazy about the Church right now but he is a fan of Pope Francis.

He sees the worst cases of divorce through his work. I have a feeling that he fears that by waiting until things get terrible before divorcing that he’s causing a bitter divorce. I think that he believes that divorcing while still on good terms is better than divorcing when both parties absolutely hate each other. It makes sense to me to just stay married if we get along ok. We’re not fighting or violent or doing anything that could potentially harm the kids.

He believes that it’s not selfish to leave because he thinks that he would be happier if divorced. He feels that his happiness would in turn make the kids happier. I just don’t get it. He always says that his dad was a good husband and he was happy to see his parents in a good relationship. However, he believes that his parents were only happy because they chose their right person and he’s convinced he’s with the wrong person.

I am sorry to say this but it seems to me that your husband is immature and selfish. You are a wonderful wife that needs the protection of her husband and not a threat of divorce. He is pulling away from you and for a while you have been trying to convince him no to leave the family. Your tactic has not work and it won’t work. Why don’t you try reverse psychology. He wants space, give him the universe. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but some men only wake up to reality once you don’t give them a lot of pity or attention. Remember he is an adult. Treat him like an adult. He wants space, He wants to leave the family, just respect his decision and try to busy yourself with your life , If you are lucky enough maybe he will figure it out and come back. If he doesn’t come back , you have to move on for the sake of your kids. You have to be strong for your children

God bless you. I know how hard this is. I too have my own share of experience. I will be praying for you.

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“I should clarify, he said that he would respect me more if I worked. That’s what was a slap in the face.”

I think you need to talk to your counselor about this issue of respect.

Does he want you to make money or does he want you to be out of the house for your own benefit or does he just want to feel that he’s not carrying the whole load on his shoulders? If money is the main concern, you could offer to do childcare in your home (ideally, once your oldest is off to school). You could either take care of a baby or do after school care for a school age child. Likewise, you might want to consider working at your baby’s preschool when the time comes.

But it doesn’t really sound like money is the issue. It sounds like what he really wants is for you to be a different person than you are. I have to say, it’s really weird to marry a $16k a year school teacher and then be disappointed when she wants to be home with her babies. Teachers are supposed to like kids, right? He didn’t marry Jane-the-corporate-ladder-climber, an MBA with $200k in student loans who suddenly decided she wanted to stay home. There was no bait and switch in this situation.

“We definitely aren’t rich but don’t have financial difficulties. Most law enforcement jobs have terrible pay but his pays much better than others in our area as well as covering family benefits 100% with great insurance. The reality is that his overtime pay is $30 an hr when my pay as a teacher was $16K a year (Catholic school). His overtime is sometimes mandatory, sometimes voluntary depending on the job. They expect him to volunteer for overtime jobs as much as possible so he really can’t cut down to less than 50 hrs a week. We could get by without overtime but he chooses to work more.”

It sounds like your family is doing very well financially, under the circumstances. Does your husband understand how unusually blessed your situation is and how much he has to thank you for it? I know that your being debt-free except for the mortgage did not happen by itself. You (both of you) did that.

If your husband is choosing to work more and to pursue a career with an ever-changing schedule, he is choosing for you not to be able to be able to work as much. It’s normal in families where one spouse has a “big job” for the other not to work or to have a part-time job or something with a lot of flexibility. For instance, I’m an SAHM, and my husband has a “big job” with a fair amount of travel (Central Europe a couple of weeks ago, South America in the spring). If he’s in Chile, he can’t be staying home with a sick child and he can’t pop back to pick up a kid from school who has been kicked out for the rest of the day and he can’t drive a kid to the dentist or to the pediatrician or to a volleyball game. Last fall, as I recall, I had one school kid miss six days in a row due to illness, followed by a second child missing five days straight. Or vice versa. Anyway, it was the sort of situation that would have gotten me fired, had I been a working mom. (It’s possible that in your case, your mom could cover for you if your kids get sick.)

“However, he might worry because my mom was a stay at home mom and never worked again. I’m planning on taking online classes to get my Master’s degree but again am not able to do that until the baby is in preschool. It requires a field experience and I do not have childcare available to me on a regular basis (paying for it isn’t really affordable right now).”

Tell him all of this.

“I’ve never been a working mom, but many working moms say that work is a break from the rush of caring for babies all day. I don’t know that for a fact though. I’m sure it’s all hard.”

A lot of working mothers will tell you that they don’t want to be home with their kids all day, that it would drive them crazy.

Where SAHMs do have an edge is that we have an easier time being home for a plumber or HVAC guy, taking kids to and from appointments, taking kids to and from sports, grocery shopping when the store isn’t clogged with other people, feeding kids fruits and veggies (because we have more opportunities to do so), taking or making important home phone calls (like complaining to a manufacturer about a defective item you’ve bought or making medical appointments for the family), orchestrating our kids’ social lives for them, supervising homework, picking the car up from the mechanic, ordering birthday gifts for our kids’ little friends, etc.

I think an office worker mom might have an edge as far as being able to keep up with school emails, but I have no idea how two working people manage to keep up with home maintenance.

I know you’re a busy girl, but can you keep a log of stuff you do during the day to show your husband? It may be that he just doesn’t understand how hard you’re working.

“It’s certainly not the main issue. He doesn’t want me to go back to work right now. He just thinks that he might have more in common with me if we had something to discuss about my day other than how the children were.”

Maybe it’s time for you to take a class, socialize more during the day with other moms, do more outings with your kids, or pick up a hobby or a book to read with your husband so you have more to talk about.

Personally, I suspect that your husband’s job is probably hard on marriages generally, not just yours. It may also be hard for him to relate to people outside his profession. If you were working, you’d be bringing back stories about kids at school. How would that be an improvement over just talking about your kids? There would still be a huge gulf between his day and your day.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I am sorry to say this but it seems to me that your husband is immature and selfish. You are a wonderful wife that needs the protection of her husband and not a threat of divorce. He is pulling away from you and for a while you have been trying to convince him no to leave the family. Your tactic has not work and it won’t work. Why don’t you try reverse psychology. He wants space, give him the universe. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but some men only wake up to reality once you don’t give them a lot of pity or attention. Remember he is an adult. Treat him like an adult. He wants space, He wants to leave the family, just respect his decision and try to busy yourself with your life , If you are lucky enough maybe he will figure it out and come back. If he doesn’t come back , you have to move on for the sake of your kids. You have to be strong for your children

God bless you. I know how hard this is. I too have my own share of experience. I will be praying for you.

I know that taking him into staying doesn’t work. I’ve tried that and have been trying my hardest not to convince him. I haven’t given him my blessing to take off but I have decided to accept that he doesn’t want affection right now.

He knows that he’s free to leave now but he isn’t going anywhere. I don’t feel that I have the right to kick him out either. I think he might come around quickly if I kicked him out but I don’t feel that’s the right thing to do. He isn’t certain about what he wants yet. He’s talked about divorce at times but then doesn’t up and leave. At least I don’t think so because he’s going to counseling and paying attention and wanting to work on things by following her suggestions. He’s also willing to talk to our parish priest if necessary. I feel that time will help heal us and that is what the counselor keeps saying.

 

[Mayita30]

I know that taking him into staying doesn’t work. I’ve tried that and have been trying my hardest not to convince him. I haven’t given him my blessing to take off but I have decided to accept that he doesn’t want affection right now.

He knows that he’s free to leave now but he isn’t going anywhere. I don’t feel that I have the right to kick him out either. I think he might come around quickly if I kicked him out but I don’t feel that’s the right thing to do. He isn’t certain about what he wants yet. He’s talked about divorce at times but then doesn’t up and leave. At least I don’t think so because he’s going to counseling and paying attention and wanting to work on things by following her suggestions. He’s also willing to talk to our parish priest if necessary. I feel that time will help heal us and that is what the counselor keeps saying.

Yes! you are right in not kicking him out. Just don’t contradict or approve his decisions. For your own sanity , you have to pray harder and busy yourself and build your self esteem so that you won’t be tempted to contradict him. What are you doing to make yourself busy?

 

[bernadettefaith]

I think he wants me to make money like his friend’s wives do. However, he realizes that daycare and other expenses would quickly eat up my small salary
If I’m even lucky enough to be hired. We’ve discussed in home daycare but we weren’t sure it would be worthwhile.

He absolutely knew that I wouldn’t make much money. I considered applying at the public schools after I got some experience (even though I love Catholic schools so much more). However, I got pregnant so things changed. If I would have been lucky enough to get hired then even with a public school salary daycare for 2 kids would quickly eat it up any income. I’m ok with living a fairly simple life and don’t ask for much.

As far as lack of respect, we had a long talk about that the other day. He really did not understand that being a sahm can be just as hard. He seems to get it and I could tell that he felt bad for upsetting me. The counselor knows about this because he said this in counseling.

He’s fully aware that I intend to go back to school.

I’ve told him about the things I do all day and that helps. Getting things done around the house has been a good distraction from these issues.

I’m definitely involved in a lot of activities. I volunteer quite a bit in children’s ministries as well as in the community. We do play dates and mom’s groups. My social life is so much better after having kids lol.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Yes! you are right in not kicking him out. Just don’t contradict or approve his decisions. For your own sanity , you have to pray harder and busy yourself and build your self esteem so that you won’t be tempted to contradict him. What are you doing to make yourself busy?

Going places with the kids, exercising, waking the dogs, concentrating on housework, chatting with friends. I also do volunteer work with children at our parish and in the community.

 

[Mayita30]

Even if you made little money or no money at all, that doesn’t justify your husband leaving his family. The fact that he knows you don’t have a job, the more he should be proud to be the provider of the family. I am sure deep in your heart you know this but the more you reason out with him the worse it will get. Selfishness, Pride and lack of charity and respect is what your husband has. Pray to the Lord that your husband may have humility , charity and a generous heart