A
Artar1
Guest
Dear bernadettefaith,
Reading your many posts and an equal number of responses has left me feeling emotionally upset and helpless as to what I might say to improve your situation or lighten your burden. I can’t think of a single word that will be of any assistance. So tonight, when I read the Bible, I will keep you in my prayers and ask the Holy Spirit to enter your life, both yours and your husband’s, so that the two of you might feel the same peace and serenity I have experienced by such an encounter.
<<He says that he feels loved by me. However, he says that he cannot love me back.>>
For now, his heart is closed. He recognizes your emotional attachment to him and your love, but he cannot reciprocate. Many men express their love through sexuality. The truth is love does not require an outlet of this kind, for love is the providence of the heart, not the libido.
<<However, he still claims that he is afraid of me…I did get angry at times but this hasn’t happened in at least a year.>>
Anger, even when not directed at one’s spouse, can be damaging; it can destroy the illusion of love and beauty, and once expressed, the experience of which can be difficult to erase from one’s memory.
I feel you already know this lesson well.
A feeling of helplessness causes us to experience anger, even rage. In your case, your parent’s expression of anger hasn’t helped your situation.
The best we can do is to recognize the triggers and stop the anger before it turns into a tsunami. If we must blow off steam, it’s best to do so in private in order to release the pent up psychic energy before others are hurt by our furry. Then we can have a more rational discussion if our anger involves a loved one.
In the final analysis, it requires considerable ego strength to resist the temptation to fly off the handle before the facts are known so we can better gauge our response.
<<The counselor believes he has PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) from the way I acted.>>
Your counselor may be overstating the case and pathologizing where PTSD does not exist. By what you’ve described, your husband doesn’t seem to fit the profile.
<<He also told the counselor that he has a lot of regrets. He wishes he would have been with other women before me (never dated anyone else). He says he doesn’t want to drag me down with all of his regrets but he also isn’t quick to forgive.>>
And that’s your fault? His anger toward you is due to his regrets for not having sex with other women. That’s what it sounds like to me. Does he want to use women as sex objects to repeal his feeling regretful. That Neanderthal solution will only bring him more grief, not less.
God didn’t create women to be sex toys. His regret comment smacks of phallic narcissism.
He claims he doesn’t want to drag you down with his regrets, but that’s exactly what he has done.
<<He says that I have improved and there’s nothing left for me to change. He feels that it’s on him to forgive and he doesn’t know if he can…I fear that he is trying to keep coming up with excuses to stay mad.>>
Bingo! He’s using your past outbursts as an excuse to look elsewhere. If he forgives you, his reason for leaving would evaporate.
<<He says he was never happy with our marriage…He says that he hasn’t loved me since before we even set a wedding date but he wanted to have children with me.>>
So when he married you he didn’t love you? Then he lied to you from the very beginning. The rest of his statement is simply absurd.
<<He’s mentioned that he couldn’t get dates other than me when he was overweight.>>
How insulting and insensitive. What are you chopped liver?
<>
Because he believes he can attract a hot career woman who makes oodles of cash, lives in a big house, and drives, what, a BMW?
<<I’d personally stay in a loveless, sexless marriage over getting a divorce.>>
It pains me to no end to hear this. I know a woman who has done what you have suggested and she is very unhappy about her decision.
<<Exactly! Neither of us has a problem with the other’s physical traits. In fact, he worries that he married me only because he thinks I’m beautiful.>>
Wow! What a revelation. Girl, it’s time to show your husband that you are truly multidimensional. You’ve already done it here on this bulletin board by pouring out your heart. Believe me you have considerable depth.
<<They talk about their party days in college and the girls they slept with…He doesn’t feel like we have much to brag about.>>
To brag about what? You must be joking, right? Life is not high school. He needs to graduate, and soon.
The only advice I can give is to stay the course with marriage counseling. Give it six months. I pray that all will turn out well.
God bless
Reading your many posts and an equal number of responses has left me feeling emotionally upset and helpless as to what I might say to improve your situation or lighten your burden. I can’t think of a single word that will be of any assistance. So tonight, when I read the Bible, I will keep you in my prayers and ask the Holy Spirit to enter your life, both yours and your husband’s, so that the two of you might feel the same peace and serenity I have experienced by such an encounter.
<<He says that he feels loved by me. However, he says that he cannot love me back.>>
For now, his heart is closed. He recognizes your emotional attachment to him and your love, but he cannot reciprocate. Many men express their love through sexuality. The truth is love does not require an outlet of this kind, for love is the providence of the heart, not the libido.
<<However, he still claims that he is afraid of me…I did get angry at times but this hasn’t happened in at least a year.>>
Anger, even when not directed at one’s spouse, can be damaging; it can destroy the illusion of love and beauty, and once expressed, the experience of which can be difficult to erase from one’s memory.
I feel you already know this lesson well.
A feeling of helplessness causes us to experience anger, even rage. In your case, your parent’s expression of anger hasn’t helped your situation.
The best we can do is to recognize the triggers and stop the anger before it turns into a tsunami. If we must blow off steam, it’s best to do so in private in order to release the pent up psychic energy before others are hurt by our furry. Then we can have a more rational discussion if our anger involves a loved one.
In the final analysis, it requires considerable ego strength to resist the temptation to fly off the handle before the facts are known so we can better gauge our response.
<<The counselor believes he has PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) from the way I acted.>>
Your counselor may be overstating the case and pathologizing where PTSD does not exist. By what you’ve described, your husband doesn’t seem to fit the profile.
<<He also told the counselor that he has a lot of regrets. He wishes he would have been with other women before me (never dated anyone else). He says he doesn’t want to drag me down with all of his regrets but he also isn’t quick to forgive.>>
And that’s your fault? His anger toward you is due to his regrets for not having sex with other women. That’s what it sounds like to me. Does he want to use women as sex objects to repeal his feeling regretful. That Neanderthal solution will only bring him more grief, not less.
God didn’t create women to be sex toys. His regret comment smacks of phallic narcissism.
He claims he doesn’t want to drag you down with his regrets, but that’s exactly what he has done.
<<He says that I have improved and there’s nothing left for me to change. He feels that it’s on him to forgive and he doesn’t know if he can…I fear that he is trying to keep coming up with excuses to stay mad.>>
Bingo! He’s using your past outbursts as an excuse to look elsewhere. If he forgives you, his reason for leaving would evaporate.
<<He says he was never happy with our marriage…He says that he hasn’t loved me since before we even set a wedding date but he wanted to have children with me.>>
So when he married you he didn’t love you? Then he lied to you from the very beginning. The rest of his statement is simply absurd.
<<He’s mentioned that he couldn’t get dates other than me when he was overweight.>>
How insulting and insensitive. What are you chopped liver?
<>
Because he believes he can attract a hot career woman who makes oodles of cash, lives in a big house, and drives, what, a BMW?
<<I’d personally stay in a loveless, sexless marriage over getting a divorce.>>
It pains me to no end to hear this. I know a woman who has done what you have suggested and she is very unhappy about her decision.
<<Exactly! Neither of us has a problem with the other’s physical traits. In fact, he worries that he married me only because he thinks I’m beautiful.>>
Wow! What a revelation. Girl, it’s time to show your husband that you are truly multidimensional. You’ve already done it here on this bulletin board by pouring out your heart. Believe me you have considerable depth.
<<They talk about their party days in college and the girls they slept with…He doesn’t feel like we have much to brag about.>>
To brag about what? You must be joking, right? Life is not high school. He needs to graduate, and soon.
The only advice I can give is to stay the course with marriage counseling. Give it six months. I pray that all will turn out well.
God bless
Smart woman… glad you are doing the finances it’s keeps you in the loop.
