Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“Oh and he is now ok with sex before marriage and cohabitation while I am not. Not sure if that matters though because we are married”

I think I would probably blame that on his current peer group.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Let me say, from a feeling standpoint, your marriage is very savable.

Before I say more, however, I want to spend some time reflecting upon what you have written and devote some time reading the Bible.

Often what is communicated to me from the Bible does not come directly from the written word per se but through other means, mostly through my feelings or intuition. It was also true of my mother-in-law as she read the KJV for more than 90 years until her death.

And please don’t feel that I’m judging you. I’m a sinner. Only God can judge us, and my feeling is he’s very much on your side and your husband’s. He wants you both to be happy; I feel that to be true. Nothing else is possible or even desirable.

There are things you will need to do to bring back genuine feeling in your relationship. It won’t be easy. I will need time to think about what I will say next. I don’t want to speak hastily. And it may not come all at once. I might even need to revise what I say because something better will come to mind. I’m not a perfect person.

First off, though, you and your husband are overwhelmed by your respective duties.

Your husband will need to cut back on the number of hours he spends on the job. What type of police work does he do? How dangerous is it? What kind of things does he see on the job? For example, does he respond to terrible traffic accidents? Does he work in vice? Does he work under cover? Does he interact with gangs, drug dealers, or prostitutes? Police officers see the worst of humanity and their work is dangerous.

And in your situation, one of the most difficult jobs we have in life is being a parent.

Think of the magnitude of that job for a moment, and I not just referring to the day-to-day tasks. The demands of childrearing can break us if were not careful.

As you know, children require a lot of care and guidance and have nearly unlimited energy. When they get older, they ask a million questions and want endless attention. They need it if they are to develop normally.

I must say it’s very helpful that you are a teacher and have your Catholic faith. You are so better equipped than most.

So if anyone says that a stay-at-home mom is not glamorous or unimportant, that person is simply delusional.

He works in a very rural area for the sheriff’s department. I wouldn’t say overly dangerous - but the work is dangerous no matter how “safe” the region is. He sees bad situations but not on a daily basis.

Working less might not be possible right now. Unfortunately he is assigned overtime work and is not able to refuse these orders. However, in winter there will no longer be road construction so there will be fewer overtime jobs.

 

[bernadettefaith]

bernadettefaith said:

“Oh and he is now ok with sex before marriage and cohabitation while I am not. Not sure if that matters though because we are married”

I think I would probably blame that on his current peer group.

Absolutely. I don’t believe anyone on his department holds those values.

 

[allycat10]

I have read through all the posts in this thread. First, I want to say that I am so sorry that you are going through with your husband but I admire your strength and determination to fight for your marriage. It can’t be easy.

With that said, the things your husband has said to you, make me lean on the side that he is having an affair. Maybe there is no evidence of it yet because it’s at the emotional level but this whole business of giving it a year and talking about past regrets, sounds very suspect to me. I know someone else said this already, but it sounds like he is looking for easy way out. Maybe he figures- I’ll go to counseling with her and give it year so that I can say that I tried. He’s mentioned cohabiting & remarriage. It sure sounds like a plan to me. I could be wrong and I PRAY I am.

If it’s not affair, maybe he is dealing with a porn addiction? Men who struggle with this (there are MANY), come to see women as objects and can develop unrealistic sexual expectations of their wives. I know this because I have had to deal with this in last six years of my 13 year marriage. I hate it and it has damaged our marriage to a degree.

While I don’t know you or your husband, the red flags are there. SOMETHING is pulling him away from you. I am glad you’re both going to counseling and maybe that will yield fruit. In the meantime, I will offer up prayers for you and your husband. (((((HUGS)))))

 

[GenerationHV]

Me too lol.

My MIL would definitely side with my husband, so I would never seek her support.

Bernadette,
Your mother in law would surely recognize his behavior and stAtements as troubling.

There is no way for a proper women to side that her son should have slept around in college, partied more and wants to remarry because he wants a “do over.”. There is no side to take here except on the side of your marriage, kindness, decency, growing up etc.

My mil helped a lot including: making my hubby make appt for pcp for depression treatment, listening to me, understanding his flaws and his strengths, and best of all she loves him unconditionally (even though I told her some specifics.)

Talk to MIL

 

[bernadettefaith]

I have read through all the posts in this thread. First, I want to say that I am so sorry that you are going through with your husband but I admire your strength and determination to fight for your marriage. It can’t be easy.

With that said, the things your husband has said to you, make me lean on the side that he is having an affair. Maybe there is no evidence of it yet because it’s at the emotional level but this whole business of giving it a year and talking about past regrets, sounds very suspect to me. I know someone else said this already, but it sounds like he is looking for easy way out. Maybe he figures- I’ll go to counseling with her and give it year so that I can say that I tried. He’s mentioned cohabiting & remarriage. It sure sounds like a plan to me. I could be wrong and I PRAY I am.

If it’s not affair, maybe he is dealing with a porn addiction? Men who struggle with this (there are MANY), come to see women as objects and can develop unrealistic sexual expectations of their wives. I know this because I have had to deal with this in last six years of my 13 year marriage. I hate it and it has damaged our marriage to a degree.

While I don’t know you or your husband, the red flags are there. SOMETHING is pulling him away from you. I am glad you’re both going to counseling and maybe that will yield fruit. In the meantime, I will offer up prayers for you and your husband. (((((HUGS)))))

Thank you so much!

He claims that he has no interest in sex, porn, or masturbation right now.

I know that the signs seem to point to it, but I don’t know about an affair. I’m pretty sure that if he had someone to go to he’d be gone already. His actions don’t give me any reason to suspect that he’s hiding anything. The counselor doesn’t seem to suspect cheating either. I hope she is right.

Thank you for all of the prayers!

 

[bernadettefaith]

Bernadette,
Your mother in law would surely recognize his behavior and stAtements as troubling.

There is no way for a proper women to side that her son should have slept around in college, partied more and wants to remarry because he wants a “do over.”. There is no side to take here except on the side of your marriage, kindness, decency, growing up etc.

My mil helped a lot including: making my hubby make appt for pcp for depression treatment, listening to me, understanding his flaws and his strengths, and best of all she loves him unconditionally (even though I told her some specifics.)

Talk to MIL

Well I guess I have my doubts that he would listen to her, even if she sides with me. I’ll try and get the courage to say something but I guess I don’t know how to start. I never see his parents without him.

She did want to encourage him to have a good time while in college. However, I think her idea of a good time wouldn’t involve wild parties and sex. Still, she may sympathize.

He might listen to the therapist if she believes he’s depressed. But I don’t know that his mother has any influence over him. Perhaps I’ll ask the therapist first and see what she says. She seems to talk about my depression as I’ve had a lot of crying spells, but she doesn’t mention that he could be depressed.

 

[Serap]

Well I guess I have my doubts that he would listen to her, even if she sides with me. I’ll try and get the courage to say something but I guess I don’t know how to start. I never see his parents without him.

She did want to encourage him to have a good time while in college. However, I think her idea of a good time wouldn’t involve wild parties and sex. Still, she may sympathize.

He might listen to the therapist if she believes he’s depressed. But I don’t know that his mother has any influence over him. Perhaps I’ll ask the therapist first and see what she says. She seems to talk about my depression as I’ve had a lot of crying spells, but she doesn’t mention that he could be depressed.

Consult with your therapist before you do anything like talking to MIL. I would proceed with caution. You know the situation better than anyone else.

 

[Julianna]

Well I guess I have my doubts that he would listen to her, even if she sides with me. I’ll try and get the courage to say something but I guess I don’t know how to start. I never see his parents without him.

She did want to encourage him to have a good time while in college. However, I think her idea of a good time wouldn’t involve wild parties and sex. Still, she may sympathize.

He might listen to the therapist if she believes he’s depressed. But I don’t know that his mother has any influence over him. Perhaps I’ll ask the therapist first and see what she says. She seems to talk about my depression as I’ve had a lot of crying spells, but she doesn’t mention that he could be depressed.

Of course you’re depressed. … him…I doubt it. If he were that concerned about his emotional health…he would have no problem speaking with his parents. …especially if it may lead to divorce…and visiting his children. As for the influence at work…he listens to the “stories” and the green eyed monster comes out. He wants to be part of the “guys”…and without those experiences…he is mad that he can’t relate…because in his mind “YOU” kept him from having those experiences. It has taken all this time to bring it to the surface. The “guys” just stepped on the psycological trigger. He doesn’t realize he hasn’t missed a thing. Also you mentioned that you live in a rural area. If it’s in the south…multiply the macho “guy” mentality by 10.

 

[Julianna]

Well I guess I have my doubts that he would listen to her, even if she sides with me. I’ll try and get the courage to say something but I guess I don’t know how to start. I never see his parents without him.

She did want to encourage him to have a good time while in college. However, I think her idea of a good time wouldn’t involve wild parties and sex. Still, she may sympathize.

He might listen to the therapist if she believes he’s depressed. But I don’t know that his mother has any influence over him. Perhaps I’ll ask the therapist first and see what she says. She seems to talk about my depression as I’ve had a lot of crying spells, but she doesn’t mention that he could be depressed.

Of course you’re depressed. … him…I doubt it. If he were that concerned about his emotional health…he would have no problem speaking with his parents. …especially if it may lead to divorce…and visiting his children. As for the influence at work…he listens to the “stories” and the green eyed monster comes out. He wants to be part of the “guys”…and without those experiences…he is mad that he can’t relate…because in his mind “YOU” kept him from having those experiences. It has taken all this time to bring it to the surface. The “guys” just stepped on the psycological trigger. He doesn’t realize he hasn’t missed a thing. Also you mentioned that you live in a rural area. If it’s in the south…multiply the macho “guy” mentality by 10.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Of course you’re depressed. … him…I doubt it. If he were that concerned about his emotional health…he would have no problem speaking with his parents. …especially if it may lead to divorce…and visiting his children. As for the influence at work…he listens to the “stories” and the green eyed monster comes out. He wants to be part of the “guys”…and without those experiences…he is mad that he can’t relate…because in his mind “YOU” kept him from having those experiences. It has taken all this time to bring it to the surface. The “guys” just stepped on the psycological trigger. He doesn’t realize he hasn’t missed a thing. Also you mentioned that you live in a rural area. If it’s in the south…multiply the macho “guy” mentality by 10.

Well we aren’t in the south but I definitely see that he wants to be a macho guy to fit in. As I’ve mentioned on here once or twice, his dad isn’t a very “macho” kind of guy so that contributes to how he feels he missed out.

 

[Mayita30]

Some people just don’t value what they have until they finally lose it !!!

 

[Xantippe]

Bernadettefaith,

I bet there’s no way of saying this so your husband would believe it right now, but a lot of his colleagues’ stories of premarital exploits are probably just as fact-filled as their hunting stories, their fish stories, and their war stories. This is not a subject area that brings out the objective historian in the male.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Bernadettefaith,

I bet there’s no way of saying this so your husband would believe it right now, but a lot of his colleagues’ stories of premarital exploits are probably just as fact-filled as their hunting stories, their fish stories, and their war stories. This is not a subject area that brings out the objective historian in the male.

I’m sure. And if he’s looking for love like he says he is, that’s not really it.

Oh and he sometimes works campus security for the local university. I guess all the guys there reminisce about their wild days and he has nothing to add.

 

[MJJean]

don’t do anything hasty. take your time. this is not a race…it’s a journey. if it doesn’t feel quite right, don’t do it. trust your gut. you are a smart woman.

Yes. I gave the verbal dose of reality because my DH needed it. Then, when I told him to leave if he was going to do so anyways, I had gotten to the point where I meant it. We’d been dealing with things for a while and I was just…done. I told him to either truly commit to a lifetime or just leave. I was sick and tired of hearing how he wasn’t sure he loved me anymore, how hard it is, how someone else could be easier to live with, how he wished he’d blah blah blah. I told him how much I loved him and how I meant the vows when we married and hoped he’d stay, but his regret, uncertainty, and lack of real commitment were damaging me emotionally and he needed to make a choice so we could all get on with life.

Again, though, I meant it. It wasn’t a tactic to get him to behave. I really did want him to realize what a good thing we have, accept his past choices and honor his commitment, and either grow up and start working toward a loving relationship or get on with leaving.

He complained to the counselor that I was distant and barely hugged or kissed him in the first few months after the baby was born. That may have been true; I honestly don’t recall. I may have had a bit of the baby blues or been too busy/distracted. It’s been a while
so I don’t remember specific events. I do remember not having much interest in sex and he’s right that I did it out of obligation. That was due to hormones mostly. The counselor acknowledged that it can be normal for hormones to be crazy after
giving birth.
.

There was a point where I was less than affectionate because I was just so sick and tired of relationship drama. DH is a sensitive guy and felt very rejected. He’d felt rejected by girls in High School and college because of his weight and social awkwardness, felt rejected by the “cool crowd”, and then he felt rejected by his own wife. So, in typical male fashion, he turtled up and protected himself from the hurt of rejection by burying his feelings for me so I couldn’t hurt him. Could be what your DH is doing.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Yes. I gave the verbal dose of reality because my DH needed it. Then, when I told him to leave if he was going to do so anyways, I had gotten to the point where I meant it. We’d been dealing with things for a while and I was just…done. I told him to either truly commit to a lifetime or just leave. I was sick and tired of hearing how he wasn’t sure he loved me anymore, how hard it is, how someone else could be easier to live with, how he wished he’d blah blah blah. I told him how much I loved him and how I meant the vows when we married and hoped he’d stay, but his regret, uncertainty, and lack of real commitment were damaging me emotionally and he needed to make a choice so we could all get on with life.

Again, though, I meant it. It wasn’t a tactic to get him to behave. I really did want him to realize what a good thing we have, accept his past choices and honor his commitment, and either grow up and start working toward a loving relationship or get on with

There was a point where I was less than affectionate because I was just so sick and tired of relationship drama. DH is a sensitive guy and felt very rejected. He’d felt rejected by girls in High School and college because of his weight and social awkwardness, felt rejected by the “cool crowd”, and then he felt rejected by his own wife. So, in typical male fashion, he turtled up and protected himself from the hurt of rejection by burying his feelings for me so I couldn’t hurt him. Could be what your DH is doing.

That sounds like it. There wasn’t relationship drama at the time on my end as he hadn’t shared his feeling yet. But I had been disinterested in sex forms while at that point between pregnancy and exhaustion/hormones postpartum.

At this point, he doesn’t tell me that he wants to see someone else or doesn’t love me. These things only came out when asked - like during counseling or if I specifically asked. His actions show it and that’s the worst part. He’s cordial and can hold a conversation and even jokes around so it might be a touch better. Just not even close to normal.

 

[MJJean]

That sounds like it. There wasn’t relationship drama at the time on my end as he hadn’t shared his feeling yet. But I had been disinterested in sex forms while at that point between pregnancy and exhaustion/hormones postpartum.

At this point, he doesn’t tell me that he wants to see someone else or doesn’t love me. These things only came out when asked - like during counseling or if I specifically asked. His actions show it and that’s the worst part. He’s cordial and can hold a conversation and even jokes around so it might be a touch better. Just not even close to normal.

Mine didn’t say much, either, until I started asking what was going on with him. Then he finally started telling me what he was thinking. Until then I just knew something was wrong because of how he was acting toward me, but I had no idea what it could be. I noticed he didn’t randomly drag me into dark corners anymore. I noticed he didn’t hug and kiss me hello and goodbye or “just because”. I noticed we weren’t having sex other than rarely. I noticed he didn’t seek me out for comfort when he had a bad day or was upset about something. And when I initiated kisses or cuddles or tried to offer comfort he’d seem to be putting up with it rather than enjoying the attention and receiving comfort.

It always got worse when he talked to his single friends and co-workers, too.

So, it was a twofold problem. 1) regrets and reality suck and 2) numbed emotionally because of perceived rejection and fear of hurt.

It took him* really *talking to and observing “the guys” to realize that he wasn’t missing anything. My DH was the first of his friends to marry and have kids by nearly a decade. The single friends were getting to the point where they were lonely and wanting to settle down. DH learned from them to appreciate having someone there to care about him. The newly married friends were going through adjusting to marriage and some of them were starting to have kids of their own. DH was glad that we had the first adjustments already over with and that our kids were getting older and more independent.

I think part of it was aging, too. Realizing that his young and free days were far behind him and wouldn’t be coming back. Men seem to take that harder than women.

Not to mention media influence. Not just the Disney happiness thing, but the “now what?” Movies, books, etc. have something in common when it comes to romance. There’s the meeting, the obstacle, overcoming the obstacle, a big romantic moment and a plan to marry or a wedding scene. They live happily infatuated ever after. Fade to black. Well, now what? Few movies, books, etc. cover that part!

Not too much out there about the reality of being married and being parents. No one wants to talk about the normal relationship peaks and valleys. Sometimes you’re really feeling it, sometimes not so much. Sometimes you’re married to the sexiest person on the planet, sometimes that person is wearing sweats covered in baby spit up. Cute things your spouse did during dating are now the most annoying habits ever. Sometimes you’re hot for each other like hormonal teens and sometimes one or both are so exhausted you’d just rather sleep.

People, so programmed by the fairy tales, really do think something is terribly wrong when the reality sets in. If it’s not rainbows and butterflies shooting out your butt then it’s got to have been some kind of mistake. Romantics, in particular, seem to really struggle with accepting the reality everyone else has been living for generations.

When my DH finally got it and realized he was committed and not going anywhere he decided to really work on being as happy as real life allows. Including consciously making the choice to feel love for me despite his fears of being hurt and rejected.

I think one of the most useful things I learned was to simply tell the man I love him dearly, am very attracted to him, desire to have sex with him, desire to have time alone together to talk and enjoy him, but am so sore and tired I have to sleep and that has nothing to do with anything but being sore and tired. “I’m not rejecting you, honey, you’re the most awesome man on the planet. I’m just exhausted.”

 

[bernadettefaith]

Mine didn’t say much, either, until I started asking what was going on with him. Then he finally started telling me what he was thinking. Until then I just knew something was wrong because of how he was acting toward me, but I had no idea what it could be. I noticed he didn’t randomly drag me into dark corners anymore. I noticed he didn’t hug and kiss me hello and goodbye or “just because”. I noticed we weren’t having sex other than rarely. I noticed he didn’t seek me out for comfort when he had a bad day or was upset about something. And when I initiated kisses or cuddles or tried to offer comfort he’d seem to be putting up with it rather than enjoying the attention and receiving comfort.

It always got worse when he talked to his single friends and co-workers, too.

So, it was a twofold problem. 1) regrets and reality suck and 2) numbed emotionally because of perceived rejection and fear of hurt.

It took him* really *talking to and observing “the guys” to realize that he wasn’t missing anything. My DH was the first of his friends to marry and have kids by nearly a decade. The single friends were getting to the point where they were lonely and wanting to settle down. DH learned from them to appreciate having someone there to care about him. The newly married friends were going through adjusting to marriage and some of them were starting to have kids of their own. DH was glad that we had the first adjustments already over with and that our kids were getting older and more independent.

I think part of it was aging, too. Realizing that his young and free days were far behind him and wouldn’t be coming back. Men seem to take that harder than women.

Not to mention media influence. Not just the Disney happiness thing, but the “now what?” Movies, books, etc. have something in common when it comes to romance. There’s the meeting, the obstacle, overcoming the obstacle, a big romantic moment and a plan to marry or a wedding scene. They live happily infatuated ever after. Fade to black. Well, now what? Few movies, books, etc. cover that part!

Not too much out there about the reality of being married and being parents. No one wants to talk about the normal relationship peaks and valleys. Sometimes you’re really feeling it, sometimes not so much. Sometimes you’re married to the sexiest person on the planet, sometimes that person is wearing sweats covered in baby spit up. Cute things your spouse did during dating are now the most annoying habits ever. Sometimes you’re hot for each other like hormonal teens and sometimes one or both are so exhausted you’d just rather sleep.

People, so programmed by the fairy tales, really do think something is terribly wrong when the reality sets in. If it’s not rainbows and butterflies shooting out your butt then it’s got to have been some kind of mistake. Romantics, in particular, seem to really struggle with accepting the reality everyone else has been living for generations.

When my DH finally got it and realized he was committed and not going anywhere he decided to really work on being as happy as real life allows. Including consciously making the choice to feel love for me despite his fears of being hurt and rejected.

I think one of the most useful things I learned was to simply tell the man I love him dearly, am very attracted to him, desire to have sex with him, desire to have time alone together to talk and enjoy him, but am so sore and tired I have to sleep and that has nothing to do with anything but being sore and tired. “I’m not rejecting you, honey, you’re the most awesome man on the planet. I’m just exhausted.”

Absolutely, that sounds like his problem. He says that he can probably forgive but doesn’t know if he can “fall in love” as he believes he has no control over whether he loves me or not. He thinks it’s possible to love me again but if he waits around for the feelings to just come over him I’m afraid he’ll never find it.

 

[MJJean]

Absolutely, that sounds like his problem. He says that he can probably forgive but doesn’t know if he can “fall in love” as he believes he has no control over whether he loves me or not. He thinks it’s possible to love me again but if he waits around for the feelings to just come over him I’m afraid he’ll never find it.

You’re right. After the infatuation phase love is a combination of natural feeling and conscious choice.

 

[bernadettefaith]

You’re right. After the infatuation phase love is a combination of natural feeling and conscious choice.

Exactly. I don’t expect him to have the feelings back instantly. However, I do expect him to honor his commitment regardless of his current feelings. According to him, I’ve fixed what I needed to fix and he just needs to wait for the feelings to come back He’s just not sure he will get the feelings back.