Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[Julianna]

G away from the internet for 2 days…

WOW!

I agree that a new counselor is in order and considering the dud you got last time I think you’d do better on Skype than in person with someone so limited.

I also agree that your DH probably does want to be married and that maybe there is an anxiety issue rearing it’s head. Maybe he keeps it under control when he’s out in the world and only feels anxiety at home where he is safe. If that’s the case then it would appear to him you are the cause since you are who he is at home with when he finally feels what he feels.

I totally understand why he doesn’t want to possibly go on meds right now, though, as I know people who have been turned down for jobs due to anxiety and/or depression medication. Hopefully, he’ll get the job and be able to explore the possibility of therapy for anxiety and meds afterward.

Have you considered seducing your DH as a way to help break the intimacy ice and help him feel more loving and bonded to you personally? Like a few days of dressing and behaving in whatever way is provocative to him and then going all out. Kids at sitter, romantic dinner or whatever flats your boat as a couple no talk of any relationship drama, just you and him. With some thought and some planning I am pretty sure you could get him to go along with the program. You’re his wife, you know his buttons. Push them.

Really? Is that what this poster has to resort to? To me that is beneath her dignity as a woman. Be sexy and he’ll stay? She may end up with a one night stand (pity sex) or totally ignored…not to mention “humiliated”.

He has made it clear…he has no “desire” for his wife.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I agree with counselor. You need to consider it.When all is said and done, if he is no longer happy in the marriage, he will leave. Have you made any alternative plan arrangements? If not, you really need to think about it.

Have you had any parties, gone out with other couples? Dinner, a sporting event, a cook out? Anything? If not, why not?

He is anxious about the upcoming holidays,…not because of last year, because guilt has got him in a stranglehold…and he knows…“just get me through the holidays…and it will be easier after the first of the year to make an exit.”

He tells you what he wants you and the counselor to hear. Having a “Christian” counselor is not going to be any better, as the “guilt trip” will only hold him in until he gets “HIS” alternative plan arrangements in motion. I bet dollars to donuts he is and has been “making plans” on how to see that you and the kids will be ok. Remember the offer of another car? Yeah, hello…the plan is in motion. You can have the “grocery getter” and he will get a used car for what he needs it for.

Does he know you are communicating on this forum? Has he read any of these posts?

I can see the forest through the trees with this guy. He definately does NOT want to appear “depressed” to counselor…as that is the “death nell” to his career and he knows it. He will pass the psych eval with flying colors…I have no doubt about that at all.

I have stayed away from this thread to see how far this guy will go to get out. And he is showing his true colors. You my dear, need to take off your rose color glasses and start working on YOU and the kids and what YOUR plans are. It’s not going to be pretty by any means, and no you aren’t thinking “negatively” you are being honest about what “may” happen. He is your “bread and butter” and HE KNOWS IT. This isn’t about you and your anger…it’s about HIM finding a way out.

We’ve gotten together with another couple on a family outing as well as dinner at our house in the last few weeks. It doesn’t seem to help. I wouldn’t say he didn’t enjoy himself but I don’t think it makes him much happier.

Yes, I still have the same alternate plans. I should be able to find something in the 9-10 hr range when/if it comes down to it. Should he get the job, my child support would also be higher. Our state requires 1 yr separation for no fault divorce during which time I’m still eligible for his health benefits. I suppose I could substitute teach as well as taking a night job part time if necessary. I’ve looked at houses online and finding affordable housing should not be an issue. Cost of living is low here.

If he does not get the job, I can start subbing in January on his days off. However, if he gets the job then I will be alone with the kids for almost 3 months so that’s probably not going to work out as well.

I’ve told him about some suggestions on here as well as from other friends. I don’t believe that it makes a difference.

I believe there are major psychological issues here. I don’t believe that he’s “pure evil” even if part of me wants to rationalize it that way. The counselor seems to think his anxiety is real. Though I suppose maybe he has her fooled - who knows?

 

[MJJean]

Really? Is that what this poster has to resort to? To me that is beneath her dignity as a woman. Be sexy and he’ll stay? She may end up with a one night stand (pity sex) or totally ignored…not to mention “humiliated”.

He has made it clear…he has no “desire” for his wife.

Not at all. First, sex is an integeral part of marriage. It’s a renewal of the vows and we’re designed by God to feel a pair bond during and after sex. The CCC even states that couples are supposed to be having sex and that one should not deny the other. Frankly, sex causes our brains to release all kinds of happy chemicals and hormones that cause us to feel peace, relaxation, affection, and feel more bonded to our partner. Long before science proved it, the Church knew that sex between married people is good for both the couple as individuals and the marriage as a whole.

Bernadette’s DH has said that he loves her, but doesn’t feel in love with her. They aren’t sharing physical affection in other ways and they aren’t having sex. How is he supposed to get back those loving feelings if they are living as roommates? How is he supposed to see this woman as his wife, as opposed to a friend, if they aren’t sharing intimacy? He wants to work on it and have a normal marriage and so does she. Sex is an undeniable part of that.

Suggesting all out seduction as a way to bring a couple closer isn’t unheard of and is, in fact, very common advice among counselors.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Not at all. First, sex is an integeral part of marriage. It’s a renewal of the vows and we’re designed by God to feel a pair bond during and after sex. The CCC even states that couples are supposed to be having sex and that one should not deny the other. Frankly, sex causes our brains to release all kinds of happy chemicals and hormones that cause us to feel peace, relaxation, affection, and feel more bonded to our partner. Long before science proved it, the Church knew that sex between married people is good for both the couple as individuals and the marriage as a whole.

Bernadette’s DH has said that he loves her, but doesn’t feel in love with her. They aren’t sharing physical affection in other ways and they aren’t having sex. How is he supposed to get back those loving feelings if they are living as roommates? How is he supposed to see this woman as his wife, as opposed to a friend, if they aren’t sharing intimacy? He wants to work on it and have a normal marriage and so does she. Sex is an undeniable part of that.

Suggesting all out seduction as a way to bring a couple closer isn’t unheard of and is, in fact, very common advice among counselors.

I tend to agree. He’s talked about trying intimacy just a few days ago. I don’t know that it would work but I also want to make sure we’ve done everything. I’m not sure that I’d seduce him but bringing back an occasional hug is a good first step. I’ve been keeping a good amount of distance the last few months and that doesn’t seem to get us anywhere so why not try something new.

I see Julianna’s point though and wouldn’t want to seem clingy or desperate. It’s a hard call.

 

[MJJean]

We’ve tried “date nights” and I’ve tried my best to keep up my appearance. I’d tried dressing in outfits I knew he loved with no comment from him. We’ve done a “movie date” at home after the kids are in bed but he sits across the room from me most times so it doesn’t help with intimacy.

I have to go to the store today so maybe I’ll pick up some food that he really likes. I know that having a meal that’s different usually appeals to him because I tend to follow the same quick and easy meal plan every week. He loves desserts but with his history of weight issues he isn’t thrilled when I make them

Date nights can fail simply because there is so much pressure to behave a certain way that there is a level of fake and uncomfortable. Been there, tried that during my own marriage troubles.

Food is good, lol. Sometimes the way to a man’s heart truly is through his stomach! Since your DH has had weight issues you might want to go with something tasty and healthy for dinner as well as dessert so he doesn’t feel too full, bloated, or feel fat. When my DH and I started working on weight loss he was into it before I was and we hadn’t been having regular sex. When I pressed the issue he told me it was a combination of the food being too rich and plentiful making him feel over full and tired and him not feeling sexy because he felt fat and unattractive no matter how much I told him he was very attractive to me and a few extra pounds didn’t make a difference from my view. They key is that it made a difference to him. Now when we’re going to spend time alone together I make a lighter dinner of healthy favorites and a very light dessert. We both feel healthier, fitter, and more energetic after eating that way.

I know you tried nice outfits and date nights, but what I am talking about is a bit more subtle and a bit more…aggressive. As in, using whatever floats his boat (skimpy outfit or modest dress depending on his tastes) for a few days. You know, dressing in a way that pleases him and acting like a sexy, graceful, confident woman in the way you move and speak. Brush against him often, move into his line of sight to do things like grab the remote or fix a light and let him see what a beautiful and desirable woman is right there in front of him, and so on. Then, after he’s stewed a couple of days, arrange a lovely evening, and POUNCE! You initiate. You touch and flatter and arouse him in a way he won’t say no to. If all went well, you’d have opened the door to physical intimacy and expressions of affection, which would (hopefully) lead to more of the same as well as more mental intimacy.

 

[Julianna]

Not at all. First, sex is an integeral part of marriage. It’s a renewal of the vows and we’re designed by God to feel a pair bond during and after sex. The CCC even states that couples are supposed to be having sex and that one should not deny the other. Frankly, sex causes our brains to release all kinds of happy chemicals and hormones that cause us to feel peace, relaxation, affection, and feel more bonded to our partner. Long before science proved it, the Church knew that sex between married people is good for both the couple as individuals and the marriage as a whole.

Bernadette’s DH has said that he loves her, but doesn’t feel in love with her. They aren’t sharing physical affection in other ways and they aren’t having sex. How is he supposed to get back those loving feelings if they are living as roommates? How is he supposed to see this woman as his wife, as opposed to a friend, if they aren’t sharing intimacy? He wants to work on it and have a normal marriage and so does she. Sex is an undeniable part of that.

Suggesting all out seduction as a way to bring a couple closer isn’t unheard of and is, in fact, very common advice among counselors.

Sex is an integral part of marriage…however, this guy does not want to have sex with his wife. He doesn’t seem care about what the Church says, what sin is or whatever…he wants out. It is degrading for women to sink to that low. She shouldn’t be acting like a Pekingese puppy greeting his master at the door for any reason…begging and seducing…is the lowest of the low…and a big risk of total humiliation. Yes seduction is common…but both parties have to be “willing” to play. He is not.

 

[MJJean]

I tend to agree. He’s talked about trying intimacy just a few days ago. I don’t know that it would work but I also want to make sure we’ve done everything. I’m not sure that I’d seduce him but bringing back an occasional hug is a good first step. I’ve been keeping a good amount of distance the last few months and that doesn’t seem to get us anywhere so why not try something new.

I see Julianna’s point though and wouldn’t want to seem clingy or desperate. It’s a hard call.

You were typing as I was, lol.

Oh, I see the point you both make. But what I don’t see is what is clingy and desperate about doing what married people are supposed to do! He is your husband. You are his wife. Humans have physical and emotional needs met by sex partners and you, as husband and wife, are each others natural source of fulfilling those needs.

Of course all couples are different, but when the DH and I were having our troubles and decided we should try intimacy we made a mess of it. Same reason as date night. Too much pressure to perform. Seduction a few weeks after we figured out the problem worked because he had no clue. Because I spent a couple of days acting like a beautiful and confident woman in dress, movement, and speech he started seeing me as a confident and beautiful woman. Then I cooked a nice meal, we watched something funny and spent some time talking and laughing, and I physically approached him and began touching him. It worked because we didn’t plan to try anything. No forewarning and no time to think, to doubt, to feel pressure.

If you think you need to give your DH more time and to close the gap more slowly by hugging and kissing here and there then do that. You know you and your DH best.

 

[Julianna]

Date nights can fail simply because there is so much pressure to behave a certain way that there is a level of fake and uncomfortable. Been there, tried that during my own marriage troubles.

Food is good, lol. Sometimes the way to a man’s heart truly is through his stomach! Since your DH has had weight issues you might want to go with something tasty and healthy for dinner as well as dessert so he doesn’t feel too full, bloated, or feel fat. When my DH and I started working on weight loss he was into it before I was and we hadn’t been having regular sex. When I pressed the issue he told me it was a combination of the food being too rich and plentiful making him feel over full and tired and him not feeling sexy because he felt fat and unattractive no matter how much I told him he was very attractive to me and a few extra pounds didn’t make a difference from my view. They key is that it made a difference to him. Now when we’re going to spend time alone together I make a lighter dinner of healthy favorites and a very light dessert. We both feel healthier, fitter, and more energetic after eating that way.

I know you tried nice outfits and date nights, but what I am talking about is a bit more subtle and a bit more…aggressive. As in, using whatever floats his boat (skimpy outfit or modest dress depending on his tastes) for a few days. You know, dressing in a way that pleases him and acting like a sexy, graceful, confident woman in the way you move and speak. Brush against him often, move into his line of sight to do things like grab the remote or fix a light and let him see what a beautiful and desirable woman is right there in front of him, and so on. Then, after he’s stewed a couple of days, arrange a lovely evening, and POUNCE! You initiate. You touch and flatter and arouse him in a way he won’t say no to. If all went well, you’d have opened the door to physical intimacy and expressions of affection, which would (hopefully) lead to more of the same as well as more mental intimacy.

Men aren’t dumb creatures…he will know she is “trying” to seduce him and it won’t work. Most people hate to be patronized…this is what she will be doing.

Cooking and taking care of the home is fine…he sees she does that well, but a new swing on a healthy pot roast recipe or gluten free cookies aren’t going to work magic. He will see right through the June Cleaver, Donna Reed poser.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Sex is an integral part of marriage…however, this guy does not want to have sex with his wife. He doesn’t seem care about what the Church says, what sin is or whatever…he wants out. It is degrading for women to sink to that low. She shouldn’t be acting like a Pekingese puppy greeting his master at the door for any reason…begging and seducing…is the lowest of the low…and a big risk of total humiliation. Yes seduction is common…but both parties have to be “willing” to play. He is not.

He said on Saturday that he does want to try intimacy and we’ve tried non-sexual touch.

Maybe this will come out totally wrong but here goes…I do want to try at least one more time for a few reasons. First of all, I don’t think I would get my hopes up and I don’t think I could possibly be any more offended from being turned down once more. Also, in the event I’m no longer married I will have to lead a celibate life so I think I’d regret not trying one last time. I don’t know that it’s a good idea at the moments but something I’ll consider. I wouldn’t necessarily throw myself at him.

 

[MJJean]

Sex is an integral part of marriage…however, this guy does not want to have sex with his wife. He doesn’t seem care about what the Church says, what sin is or whatever…he wants out. It is degrading for women to sink to that low. She shouldn’t be acting like a Pekingese puppy greeting his master at the door for any reason…begging and seducing…is the lowest of the low…and a big risk of total humiliation. Yes seduction is common…but both parties have to be “willing” to play. He is not.

Actually, he is willing. He has stated that he thinks they could maybe try intimacy again. Seduction is a way to be intimate without him feeling pressured or having time to over think and over analyze.

And he does say he loves his wife, but he isn’t feeling the “in love” part. Which is felt during and after sex, which they weren’t having for a while and then they became so distant that he began thinking he wasn’t “in love” anymore. Which makes sense.How is he supposed to feel in love with someone he is treating the same way he’d treat a friend or roommate? He’s also said he is willing to do just about anything to save the marriage. Pretty sure having sex with your spouse qualifies as “just about anything” and it’s a lot less extreme than some things.

Look, I’m the last woman to pant after a man like a pup. I’ve been through a cruddy marriage and a divorce. I threw him out on his rear and was very happy to do so. Never missed him and never looked back. I’ve also been remarried and truly love my husband. We’ve had our rough patches and we’ve worked through them. Truth is, sometimes you have to suck it up and swallow a bit of doubt and pride to make it work.

If you love your spouse, your spouse loves you, you both want to save the marriage, then there is nothing at all shameful or humiliating about seducing your own spouse in an attempt to break down walls and restore intimacy on all levels.

 

[bernadettefaith]

You were typing as I was, lol.

Oh, I see the point you both make. But what I don’t see is what is clingy and desperate about doing what married people are supposed to do! He is your husband. You are his wife. Humans have physical and emotional needs met by sex partners and you, as husband and wife, are each others natural source of fulfilling those needs.

Of course all couples are different, but when the DH and I were having our troubles and decided we should try intimacy we made a mess of it. Same reason as date night. Too much pressure to perform. Seduction a few weeks after we figured out the problem worked because he had no clue. Because I spent a couple of days acting like a beautiful and confident woman in dress, movement, and speech he started seeing me as a confident and beautiful woman. Then I cooked a nice meal, we watched something funny and spent some time talking and laughing, and I physically approached him and began touching him. It worked because we didn’t plan to try anything. No forewarning and no time to think, to doubt, to feel pressure.

If you think you need to give your DH more time and to close the gap more slowly by hugging and kissing here and there then do that. You know you and your DH best.

Taking it slow might be better. I’m not sure. I don’t think I would feel used at all. I think I’d regret it more if I didn’t try everything. I figure we might as well have sex while we’re still married. I could potentially have the rest of my life to be celibate.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Actually, he is willing. He has stated that he thinks they could maybe try intimacy again. Seduction is a way to be intimate without him feeling pressured or having time to over think and over analyze.

And he does say he loves his wife, but he isn’t feeling the “in love” part. Which is felt during and after sex, which they weren’t having for a while and then they became so distant that he began thinking he wasn’t “in love” anymore. Which makes sense.How is he supposed to feel in love with someone he is treating the same way he’d treat a friend or roommate? He’s also said he is willing to do just about anything to save the marriage. Pretty sure having sex with your spouse qualifies as “just about anything” and it’s a lot less extreme than some things.

Look, I’m the last woman to pant after a man like a pup. I’ve been through a cruddy marriage and a divorce. I threw him out on his rear and was very happy to do so. Never missed him and never looked back. I’ve also been remarried and truly love my husband. We’ve had our rough patches and we’ve worked through them. Truth is, sometimes you have to suck it up and swallow a bit of doubt and pride to make it work.

If you love your spouse, your spouse loves you, you both want to save the marriage, then there is nothing at all shameful or humiliating about seducing your own spouse in an attempt to break down walls and restore intimacy on all levels.

I tend to agree. Worst case scenario, he turns me down and we continue not having sex or intimacy. I don’t believe it has the potential to make anything worse than it already is.

 

[MJJean]

He said on Saturday that he does want to try intimacy and we’ve tried non-sexual touch.

Maybe this will come out totally wrong but here goes…I do want to try at least one more time for a few reasons. First of all, I don’t think I would get my hopes up and I don’t think I could possibly be any more offended from being turned down once more. Also, in the event I’m no longer married I will have to lead a celibate life so I think I’d regret not trying one last time.** I don’t know that it’s a good idea at the moments but something I’ll consider. I wouldn’t necessarily throw myself at him.**

I may not be a man expert, but I do know that a lot of them find it extremely flattering and arousing when a woman who is confident and sexy makes it very clear that she wants him physically.

And I’m pretty sure you can’t throw yourself at your own husband. You are each others natural source for sex and companionship, after all.

Go at your own pace, plan, and when it’s time you’ll know.

 

[Julianna]

We’ve gotten together with another couple on a family outing as well as dinner at our house in the last few weeks. It doesn’t seem to help. I wouldn’t say he didn’t enjoy himself but I don’t think it makes him much happier.

Yes, I still have the same alternate plans. I should be able to find something in the 9-10 hr range when/if it comes down to it. Should he get the job, my child support would also be higher. Our state requires 1 yr separation for no fault divorce during which time I’m still eligible for his health benefits. I suppose I could substitute teach as well as taking a night job part time if necessary. I’ve looked at houses online and finding affordable housing should not be an issue. Cost of living is low here.

If he does not get the job, I can start subbing in January on his days off. However, if he gets the job then I will be alone with the kids for almost 3 months so that’s probably not going to work out as well.

I’ve told him about some suggestions on here as well as from other friends. I don’t believe that it makes a difference.

I believe there are major psychological issues here. I don’t believe that he’s “pure evil” even if part of me wants to rationalize it that way. The counselor seems to think his anxiety is real. Though I suppose maybe he has her fooled - who knows?

One year separation also affords him to speed up the process by not having sex with you. All he has to do is give his lawyer the counselor documents of you saying you haven’t had sex with him in 6 months…or whatever. That changes everything. As soon as you have sex…the ball game starts again and HE knows this.

He is not an “evil” man…he just doesn’t want to be married anymore…period. He is a smart man, in that he wants to get a good paying job, so when the time comes, he can afford to take care of his children, as he should. YOU my dear have to start taking care of yourself and groveling at his feet and playing sex kitten isn’t worth your dignity. You have self worth. You are smart. Plan, girl, plan…get your ducks in a row. He biding his time. Just think, 6 months from now…if he still hasn’t been intimate with you…and the counselor or counselors “record” this as fact…he gets closer to what he wants. Should he land this job, he will be in a position to leave…quietly…money in the bank for child support, carry you on his insurance for 1 yr…that is, if he gets a good employer policy, if not, start signing up for ACA or go back to work as a teacher, and get state insurance on yourself. He will also claim the kids on his income tax as well. Keep that in mind.

He has psychological issues, because keeping his marriage under wraps to his family, and perhaps some of his friends…this will have an effect on him emotionally.

Keeping this from your parents and in the coming months, should he leave and dumping this in their lap at the last minute is a bit unfair to them. They need to make plans to have you and the kids move in with them should the need arise, unless of course you are holding the winning powerball ticket. Sure your dad can pay rent on a house or apt somewhere, but YOU my dear are going to have woman up and get back to work. His parents will have to deal with him when the stuff hits the fan…not you. He made the choice. He won’t care what they think at that time.

 

[Julianna]

Actually, he is willing. He has stated that he thinks they could maybe try intimacy again. Seduction is a way to be intimate without him feeling pressured or having time to over think and over analyze.

And he does say he loves his wife, but he isn’t feeling the “in love” part. Which is felt during and after sex, which they weren’t having for a while and then they became so distant that he began thinking he wasn’t “in love” anymore. Which makes sense.How is he supposed to feel in love with someone he is treating the same way he’d treat a friend or roommate? He’s also said he is willing to do just about anything to save the marriage. Pretty sure having sex with your spouse qualifies as “just about anything” and it’s a lot less extreme than some things.

Look, I’m the last woman to pant after a man like a pup. I’ve been through a cruddy marriage and a divorce. I threw him out on his rear and was very happy to do so. Never missed him and never looked back. I’ve also been remarried and truly love my husband. We’ve had our rough patches and we’ve worked through them. Truth is, sometimes you have to suck it up and swallow a bit of doubt and pride to make it work.

If you love your spouse, your spouse loves you, you both want to save the marriage, then there is nothing at all shameful or humiliating about seducing your own spouse in an attempt to break down walls and restore intimacy on all levels.

Really? So men who have sex feel “love”? Uh no…men will have sex with anything that moves and not feel a thing. Happens all the time outside of the fishbowl world. And yes, women do the same.

Why not have him “seduce” her? He said he would “try” anything. Why does the one who has the most to lose in this situation have to become the beacon of ideas.

I remember when when women thought getting pregnant would make them stay in a marriage or relationship…eh, that doesn’t work…never did.

 

[Julianna]

Taking it slow might be better. I’m not sure. I don’t think I would feel used at all. I think I’d regret it more if I didn’t try everything. I figure we might as well have sex while we’re still married. I could potentially have the rest of my life to be celibate.

Don’t get your crystal ball all shiny too early. You don’t know what the future holds for you.

You are a mixed bag of contradictions my dear. First you won’t grovel and play sex kitten games, then you say you will try it. Yeah, you will be used. Don’t lower yourself. You’re better than that. And until you start thinking about what you deserve instead of settling for what you don’t…your self esteem will remain just like it is now.

Changing counselors only prolongs the agony and depletes your expense account.

If he wants to purchase a car for his new job…go ahead, get it. I “would” congratulate and promote his “career” move…and be supportive because either way…it works in your favor. Also keep in mind, the 3 months you said he will be away on another job…are 3 months towards the separation. He also “knows” this.

 

[bernadettefaith]

One year separation also affords him to speed up the process by not having sex with you. All he has to do is give his lawyer the counselor documents of you saying you haven’t had sex with him in 6 months…or whatever. That changes everything. As soon as you have sex…the ball game starts again and HE knows this.

He is not an “evil” man…he just doesn’t want to be married anymore…period. He is a smart man, in that he wants to get a good paying job, so when the time comes, he can afford to take care of his children, as he should. YOU my dear have to start taking care of yourself and groveling at his feet and playing sex kitten isn’t worth your dignity. You have self worth. You are smart. Plan, girl, plan…get your ducks in a row. He biding his time. Just think, 6 months from now…if he still hasn’t been intimate with you…and the counselor or counselors “record” this as fact…he gets closer to what he wants. Should he land this job, he will be in a position to leave…quietly…money in the bank for child support, carry you on his insurance for 1 yr…that is, if he gets a good employer policy, if not, start signing up for ACA or go back to work as a teacher, and get state insurance on yourself. He will also claim the kids on his income tax as well. Keep that in mind.

He has psychological issues, because keeping his marriage under wraps to his family, and perhaps some of his friends…this will have an effect on him emotionally.

Keeping this from your parents and in the coming months, should he leave and dumping this in their lap at the last minute is a bit unfair to them. They need to make plans to have you and the kids move in with them should the need arise, unless of course you are holding the winning powerball ticket. Sure your dad can pay rent on a house or apt somewhere, but YOU my dear are going to have woman up and get back to work. His parents will have to deal with him when the stuff hits the fan…not you. He made the choice. He won’t care what they think at that time.

Not having sex has nothing to do with the separation. He’s still living in our residence.and there can be no cohabitation. I’ve read the law and he cannot share the same residence during that time, even without sex.

I cannot go back to work as a teacher right now. In the fall I can job search but I can’t go back tomorrow. They rarely hire in the middle of the school year other than a sub job. Which I am planning on doing.

I never said that my dad would pay my mortgage or housing expenses or that I wouldn’t work. If I’m not hired as a teacher, I can work toward a less desirable job, like certified nurse’s aide. I’ve had friends easily get hired in that field and training is quick.

I’m not sure how I will get the job at the moment. I would have to leave the house to live in a different area. The only reason I live where I do is because of dh’s job. I don’t want to be the one to leave our residence. I don’t think I should have to be the one to leave. If I move then babysitting is free. Right now, where I live, I can only get free babysitting if Dh is home which isn’t often. Substitute teaching is probably one of the only fields that flexible. If not for free babysitting then going to work isn’t going to give me any additional money. If I get divorced, I’d be quitting the job anyway because I have no reason to remain in this area.

I’ve looked at job openings. I’ve looked for housing. I’ve looked into the possibility of moving across the country to find a teaching job. I’m not convinced that I should be taking that step right now as I don’t want to initiate a separation. I’ve read up on the laws regarding separation and child support. I am not sure what else I can do.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Don’t get your crystal ball all shiny too early. You don’t know what the future holds for you.

You are a mixed bag of contradictions my dear. First you won’t grovel and play sex kitten games, then you say you will try it. Yeah, you will be used. Don’t lower yourself. You’re better than that. And until you start thinking about what you deserve instead of settling for what you don’t…your self esteem will remain just like it is now.

Changing counselors only prolongs the agony and depletes your expense account.

If he wants to purchase a car for his new job…go ahead, get it. I “would” congratulate and promote his “career” move…and be supportive because either way…it works in your favor. Also keep in mind, the 3 months you said he will be away on another job…are 3 months towards the separation. He also “knows” this.

I don’t think that this counts as part of the separation. He’s not staying in an apartment. It’s more like a dorm. He doesn’t have a residence there. He would still be claiming our home as his primary residence as I believe that’s where he will stay when he gets a weekend off.

I don’t have a crystal ball but a remarriage would mean becoming open to children once again and I am nearly certain that I would not be in that situation. So the best option would probably be to remain unmarried, especially while I have children at home.

 

[Julianna]

Not having sex has nothing to do with the separation. He’s still living in our residence.and there can be no cohabitation. I’ve read the law and he cannot share the same residence during that time, even without sex.

I cannot go back to work as a teacher right now. In the fall I can job search but I can’t go back tomorrow. They rarely hire in the middle of the school year other than a sub job. Which I am planning on doing.

I never said that my dad would pay my mortgage or housing expenses or that I wouldn’t work. If I’m not hired as a teacher, I can work toward a less desirable job, like certified nurse’s aide. I’ve had friends easily get hired in that field and training is quick.

I’m not sure how I will get the job at the moment. I would have to leave the house to live in a different area. The only reason I live where I do is because of dh’s job. I don’t want to be the one to leave our residence. I don’t think I should have to be the one to leave. If I move then babysitting is free. Right now, where I live, I can only get free babysitting if Dh is home which isn’t often. Substitute teaching is probably one of the only fields that flexible. If not for free babysitting then going to work isn’t going to give me any additional money. If I get divorced, I’d be quitting the job anyway because I have no reason to remain in this area.

I’ve looked at job openings. I’ve looked for housing. I’ve looked into the possibility of moving across the country to find a teaching job. I’m not convinced that I should be taking that step right now as I don’t want to initiate a separation. I’ve read up on the laws regarding separation and child support. I am not sure what else I can do.

Didn’t you say a few posts back that your parents would help you out with a house if need be? Did I misread it? If I did, my apologies.

No, you stay put. You should not be the one to leave the home. It would make his case stronger. But don’t be fooled, as soon as he can get a place and his ducks in a row, it won’t matter. I believe the job he is looking forward to is key here.

In the fall of 2014…you will start looking? Isn’t that kind of the cart before the horse? You are right, hiring teachers in the middle of the year is a catch22… As far as “planning on doing” sub teacher jobs…no time like the present, eh? I know a good friend of mine who worked as a sub for years…she took whatever in the district was available. Her parents watched the children…but again, your parents have no idea what is going on. She went to school at night, got re certified and got on her feet in less than 18 months. Also, schools hire teachers aides and you don’t have to have a teaching degree. It’s a state job, insurance, et al, but the pay is lower than a certified teacher. Don’t wait until the last pea is out of the dish to make a plan.

CNA jobs are hard work and you will need to prepare yourself for that as well.

Looks like everything hinges on this job he is trying to get. Have you asked him, if you get this job, will “we” be moving?

 

[bernadettefaith]

Didn’t you say a few posts back that your parents would help you out with a house if need be? Did I misread it? If I did, my apologies.

No, you stay put. You should not be the one to leave the home. It would make his case stronger. But don’t be fooled, as soon as he can get a place and his ducks in a row, it won’t matter. I believe the job he is looking forward to is key here.

In the fall of 2014…you will start looking? Isn’t that kind of the cart before the horse? You are right, hiring teachers in the middle of the year is a catch22… As far as “planning on doing” sub teacher jobs…no time like the present, eh? I know a good friend of mine who worked as a sub for years…she took whatever in the district was available. Her parents watched the children…but again, your parents have no idea what is going on. She went to school at night, got re certified and got on her feet in less than 18 months. Also, schools hire teachers aides and you don’t have to have a teaching degree. It’s a state job, insurance, et al, but the pay is lower than a certified teacher. Don’t wait until the last pea is out of the dish to make a plan.

CNA jobs are hard work and you will need to prepare yourself for that as well.

Looks like everything hinges on this job he is trying to get. Have you asked him, if you get this job, will “we” be moving?

My dad is a banker and could help me with a mortgage. I wouldn’t expect him to pay for it, but since I’ll have the cash for a down payment, a mortgage is way cheaper than rent. We have paid around $300 a month.

He has no reason to move for this job. He’d be working in the same area.

Regardless of whether my parents know what is going on or not, they will be able to watch the children. I have no doubt about that. My mom was somewhat disappointed that she didn’t get to babysit as we moved too far for her to do so.

The problem lies in where I would be applying for a teaching job. Do I leave my home in the fall and take a teaching job in a different area? Do I search in my parents’ area? Do I search in my current location? If I get a job that is anywhere other than near my current home then I will have to leave possibly before he does. Does that make sense?

I do believe I could look into an aide position as well. The pay is less, maybe $9 an hour but enough to get me on my feet in this area.