Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[LongingSoul]

Yes, that makes sense. He doesn’t want to feel trapped. On the other hand, I feel like if it’s an option to leave then he will want to go for that option.

That isn’t necessarily what happens though. When people feel trapped, they tend to only see the threats and hurts and injustices of their situation. Nature programs us to think defensively when we are trapped. When we feel free in our situation, we have a more balanced perspective.

 

[Xantippe]

Bernadettefaith said:

“If he’s not happy then she doesn’t think he has a choice but to leave. She still does not really have many suggestions for us. She even said that maybe we should try someone else to see if they had ideas. I don’t think I want to go back to her if she says she supports marriage but also believes that divorce would make Dh happy.”

That doesn’t sound very promising. It looks like she has gotten to the end of her bag of tricks.

I have no doubt that your husband will experience some momentary relief from separation (no more wiping his feet when he comes in! he can take out the garbage when he feels like it! no more being nice to your mom! no more having to listen to your dad’s stories for the tenth time!), but that’s all a one time effect. He has to go on from there to making himself happy–no one can make him happy if he isn’t capable of happiness. There’s research showing that people tend to revert to their emotional baselines even after major changes. Show your husband this:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedonic_treadmill

“On the other hand, Dh says that there is progress because he is talking about his anxiety and getting it all out there. It’s really bothering him and I hate seeing him like this. He says that I’m the cause of all of it and I just don’t know how I am - unless it’s just all his built up resentment coming out.”

It seems like the next step would be for your husband to work on his anxiety with a different counselor who actually fixes people, rather than listening to them say the same thing over and over again, blaming other people for making them unhappy. What you’re looking for is a cognitive-behavioral counselor, and you might just want somebody for him, rather than a marriage counselor.

“Most therapists working with patients dealing with anxiety and depression use a blend of cognitive and behavioral therapy. This technique acknowledges that there may be behaviors that cannot be controlled through rational thought. CBT is “problem focused” (undertaken for specific problems) and “action oriented” (therapist tries to assist the client in selecting specific strategies to help address those problems).
CBT is thought to be effective for the treatment of a variety of conditions, including mood, anxiety, personality, eating, substance abuse, tic, and psychotic disorders.”

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

“So yeah, I’m going to be looking for a new counselor most likely. Maybe I’ll try taking to a Christian counselor in town to see how her views on marriage are. There aren’t any Catholic ones locally and I don’t know about another secular one.”

I don’t think you necessarily need a Christian counselor if you can just find the right person.

 

[bernadettefaith]

That isn’t necessarily what happens though. When people feel trapped, they tend to only see the threats and hurts and injustices of their situation. Nature programs us to think defensively when we are trapped. When we feel free in our situation, we have a more balanced perspective.

I’ve never thought of it like that. I get the impression from her general attitude that she isn’t optimistic. She rarely mentions anything we can do to improve. Maybe she’s right but I don’t think it helps. I initially expected to be headed in some kind of direction by now as we’ve been seeing her for 3 months.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Bernadettefaith said:

“If he’s not happy then she doesn’t think he has a choice but to leave. She still does not really have many suggestions for us. She even said that maybe we should try someone else to see if they had ideas. I don’t think I want to go back to her if she says she supports marriage but also believes that divorce would make Dh happy.”

That doesn’t sound very promising. It looks like she has gotten to the end of her bag of tricks.

I have no doubt that your husband will experience some momentary relief from separation (no more wiping his feet when he comes in! he can take out the garbage when he feels like it! no more being nice to your mom! no more having to listen to your dad’s stories for the tenth time!), but that’s all a one time effect. He has to go on from there to making himself happy–no one can make him happy if he isn’t capable of happiness. There’s research showing that people tend to revert to their emotional baselines even after major changes. Show your husband this:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hedonic_treadmill

“On the other hand, Dh says that there is progress because he is talking about his anxiety and getting it all out there. It’s really bothering him and I hate seeing him like this. He says that I’m the cause of all of it and I just don’t know how I am - unless it’s just all his built up resentment coming out.”

It seems like the next step would be for your husband to work on his anxiety with a different counselor who actually fixes people, rather than listening to them say the same thing over and over again, blaming other people for making them unhappy. What you’re looking for is a cognitive-behavioral counselor, and you might just want somebody for him, rather than a marriage counselor.

“Most therapists working with patients dealing with anxiety and depression use a blend of cognitive and behavioral therapy. This technique acknowledges that there may be behaviors that cannot be controlled through rational thought. CBT is “problem focused” (undertaken for specific problems) and “action oriented” (therapist tries to assist the client in selecting specific strategies to help address those problems).
CBT is thought to be effective for the treatment of a variety of conditions, including mood, anxiety, personality, eating, substance abuse, tic, and psychotic disorders.”

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

“So yeah, I’m going to be looking for a new counselor most likely. Maybe I’ll try taking to a Christian counselor in town to see how her views on marriage are. There aren’t any Catholic ones locally and I don’t know about another secular one.”

I don’t think you necessarily need a Christian counselor if you can just find the right person.

She says that she is a Cognitive-behavioral counselor. I think maybe she sees divorce as one possible solution to the problem. She still insists that she wants us to work out while she warns us that it might not happen.

 

[Serap]

She says that she is a Cognitive-behavioral counselor. I think maybe she sees divorce as one possible solution to the problem. She still insists that she wants us to work out while she warns us that it might not happen.

I tend to think that she sees divorce as THE solution in your case. She is not the right counselor for you both.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I tend to think that she sees divorce as THE solution in your case. She is not the right counselor for you both.

I’m starting to think so too. I don’t really think that she would try to convince anyone to stay married (or divorce). I suppose it’s good that she doesn’t tell us to go out and get divorced but she also doesn’t try to help us stay married. The only suggestions we’ve received are to “have fun together” and “give it time”. I really hate that she brought it up as an option when he wasn’t talking about it.

The strange thing is that in the car afterward, Dh made it clear that he’s willing to try absolutely anything and everything. He said he’s considered becoming intimate again but he’s not sure he’s ready yet. I considered just maybe hugging once a day to start and go from there. He’s totally fine with trying as many counselors as we need to and going to Retrouvaille as well as talking to our pastor (if he’s available). Retrouvaille will have to wait if he gets the new job though. He can’t go while he’s at the academy and after graduation it will be almost impossible to get a weekend off, let alone follow up sessions.

 

[Serap]

I’m starting to think so too. I don’t really think that she would try to convince anyone to stay married (or divorce). I suppose it’s good that she doesn’t tell us to go out and get divorced but she also doesn’t try to help us stay married. The only suggestions we’ve received are to “have fun together” and “give it time”. I really hate that she brought it up as an option when he wasn’t talking about it.

The strange thing is that in the car afterward, Dh made it clear that he’s willing to try absolutely anything and everything. He said he’s considered becoming intimate again but he’s not sure he’s ready yet. I considered just maybe hugging once a day to start and go from there. He’s totally fine with trying as many counselors as we need to and going to Retrouvaille as well as talking to our pastor (if he’s available). Retrouvaille will have to wait if he gets the new job though. He can’t go while he’s at the academy and after graduation it will be almost impossible to get a weekend off, let alone follow up sessions.

He doesn’t really want to leave. That is my impression.

 

[bernadettefaith]

He doesn’t really want to leave. That is my impression.

Yeah that’s mine as well. I suppose that she might have said something just so he would feel safe knowing that he could leave if he felt he needed to. I have no idea.

 

[Xantippe]

“The only suggestions we’ve received are to “have fun together” and “give it time”. I really hate that she brought it up as an option when he wasn’t talking about it.”

After 3 months? Wow.

“The strange thing is that in the car afterward, Dh made it clear that he’s willing to try absolutely anything and everything. He said he’s considered becoming intimate again but he’s not sure he’s ready yet. I considered just maybe hugging once a day to start and go from there. He’s totally fine with trying as many counselors as we need to and going to Retrouvaille as well as talking to our pastor (if he’s available). Retrouvaille will have to wait if he gets the new job though. He can’t go while he’s at the academy and after graduation it will be almost impossible to get a weekend off, let alone follow up sessions.”

This sounds very promising, especially the fact that your husband is interested in being physically affectionate. It sounds like your husband is moving forward all by himself and he has a very reasonable plan. Baby steps! This is exactly the sort of thing that your counselor ought to have been giving you guys as homework, although it’s even better that your husband is moving in that direction without her nudging him.

 

[bernadettefaith]

“The only suggestions we’ve received are to “have fun together” and “give it time”. I really hate that she brought it up as an option when he wasn’t talking about it.”

After 3 months? Wow.

“The strange thing is that in the car afterward, Dh made it clear that he’s willing to try absolutely anything and everything. He said he’s considered becoming intimate again but he’s not sure he’s ready yet. I considered just maybe hugging once a day to start and go from there. He’s totally fine with trying as many counselors as we need to and going to Retrouvaille as well as talking to our pastor (if he’s available). Retrouvaille will have to wait if he gets the new job though. He can’t go while he’s at the academy and after graduation it will be almost impossible to get a weekend off, let alone follow up sessions.”

This sounds very promising, especially the fact that your husband is interested in being physically affectionate. It sounds like your husband is moving forward all by himself and he has a very reasonable plan. Baby steps! This is exactly the sort of thing that your counselor ought to have been giving you guys as homework, although it’s even better that your husband is moving in that direction without her nudging him.

Yes, he’s brought up becoming intimate with the counselor but said that he didn’t know how to force himself into it. She just said not to do anything he’s not ready for. She didn’t give any guidance on how to get there.

I do think that he wants to say he “tried everything” and that’s why he’s open to this. It’s a good sign as long as he’s willing to participate and at least attempt intimacy.

 

[LROH]

Wow read through the thread…this has been a long road these past few months!

We too have struggled and done lots of counseling as well as Retrouvaille twice. A rocky road is still a road and hopefully you’ll both look back on this as one of marriages rougher seasons.

It is heartening that you are both working to communicate and negotiate the conflicts. I’d encourage you to do whatever you can to attend a Retrouvaille w/e ASAP, during our post sessions the facilitators were able to Skype with a couple who lived outside our area and didn’t want to wait the three months before post sessions became available local to them. It wasn’t officially sanctioned at the time and I hope I’m not outing anyone…just want you to know that the facilitators really want to help couples learn to work through their issues.

We too have heard…maybe it’s time for a new counselor, from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy PhD…usually when one of us was in deny, deflect, justify and blame mode. (Not suggesting you or he are there only that we have been) it was disheartening to hear someone we were counting on to help us suggest they had nothing for us.

After reading all your posts and so many great suggestions I’d like to offer one…during your next individual appt, ask , do you see a benefit in my asking DH if there are things he’d like to tell me but is afraid to reveal. If the answer is in any way a yes, it can’t hurt…ask will you help me to ask and how can I temper my response to anything he might reveal. It isn’t easy to calm the anxiety of fear while listening or revealing, to be receptive or responsive.

I make this suggestion because its too easy to assume what you’re working on is the real issue when in fact it’s a symptom of underlying conflict. If you had no clue before June he was so unhappy it seems like he may have gotten good at not expressing what is important to him…revealing everything but what really mattered. The happy mask while dying inside, is something we all have to do at the grocery store…but at home in the intimacy of marriage it denies our spouse the opportunity to comfort us affirming their value and worth as our partner.

BECUSE we are talking and asking questions doesn’t always mean they feel safe to reveal their true opinion. Often fear of hurting us will keep them silent or worse yet telling us what they think we want to hear, where we think there was a negotiated agreement, opening the door to later frustration on both sides.

Good luck on resuming physical intimacy, we too have had breaks and found increasing non-sexual safe touch a respectful way to ease transitions, leaving the door open to more as we BOTH felt comfortable with increased emotional security and physical pleasure without the expectation or pressure (anxiety) of intercourse. I wish you well on the continued journey.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Wow read through the thread…this has been a long road these past few months!

We too have struggled and done lots of counseling as well as Retrouvaille twice. A rocky road is still a road and hopefully you’ll both look back on this as one of marriages rougher seasons.

It is heartening that you are both working to communicate and negotiate the conflicts. I’d encourage you to do whatever you can to attend a Retrouvaille w/e ASAP, during our post sessions the facilitators were able to Skype with a couple who lived outside our area and didn’t want to wait the three months before post sessions became available local to them. It wasn’t officially sanctioned at the time and I hope I’m not outing anyone…just want you to know that the facilitators really want to help couples learn to work through their issues.

We too have heard…maybe it’s time for a new counselor, from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy PhD…usually when one of us was in deny, deflect, justify and blame mode. (Not suggesting you or he are there only that we have been) it was disheartening to hear someone we were counting on to help us suggest they had nothing for us.

After reading all your posts and so many great suggestions I’d like to offer one…during your next individual appt, ask , do you see a benefit in my asking DH if there are things he’d like to tell me but is afraid to reveal. If the answer is in any way a yes, it can’t hurt…ask will you help me to ask and how can I temper my response to anything he might reveal. It isn’t easy to calm the anxiety of fear while listening or revealing, to be receptive or responsive.

I make this suggestion because its too easy to assume what you’re working on is the real issue when in fact it’s a symptom of underlying conflict. If you had no clue before June he was so unhappy it seems like he may have gotten good at not expressing what is important to him…revealing everything but what really mattered. The happy mask while dying inside, is something we all have to do at the grocery store…but at home in the intimacy of marriage it denies our spouse the opportunity to comfort us affirming their value and worth as our partner.

BECUSE we are talking and asking questions doesn’t always mean they feel safe to reveal their true opinion. Often fear of hurting us will keep them silent or worse yet telling us what they think we want to hear, where we think there was a negotiated agreement, opening the door to later frustration on both sides.

Good luck on resuming physical intimacy, we too have had breaks and found increasing non-sexual safe touch a respectful way to ease transitions, leaving the door open to more as we BOTH felt comfortable with increased emotional security and physical pleasure without the expectation or pressure (anxiety) of intercourse. I wish you well on the continued journey.

Thanks for the kind words. Good to hear from someone else who has been there.

If he does go away to the academy, Skype won’t be an option for Retrouvaille either. He will have no contact with me during that time other than an occasional quick phone call, maybe once a week. It’s very structured. I might call the local facilitators but I’m not sure what they can do for us until I’m able to sign up for a weekend.

I’ve asked him many times if there’s anything else he isn’t telling and he said that he will bring everything up when he thinks of it. I think a lot of it he holds in because he doesn’t want to hurt me. So he doesn’t usually talk about divorce unless I bring it up because he knows it upsets me.

 

[LROH]

Good Morning,

I understood that you had asked him and he has revealed many issues, it is the reality that he doesn’t want to hurt you that raises my suggestion of asking your counselor if she sees a benefit and secondly for ways of being receptive to anything he might reveal…in the safety of your joint session.

If he is afraid to reveal his feelings or ideas with the thought that it may hurt you, he may be afraid of your hurt reaction…be it tears whatever…he may be avoiding the anticipated reaction, the point is to be receptive and let him know in the safety of the joint session that what he experiences, feels or thinks truly does matter regardless of how he thinks you might react.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Good Morning,

I understood that you had asked him and he has revealed many issues, it is the reality that he doesn’t want to hurt you that raises my suggestion of asking your counselor if she sees a benefit and secondly for ways of being receptive to anything he might reveal…in the safety of your joint session.

If he is afraid to reveal his feelings or ideas with the thought that it may hurt you, he may be afraid of your hurt reaction…be it tears whatever…he may be avoiding the anticipated reaction, the point is to be receptive and let him know in the safety of the joint session that what he experiences, feels or thinks truly does matter regardless of how he thinks you might react.

Yes, he says that he holds back on things that are hurtful because he doesn’t like to hurt me. He did promise to tell everything that has upset him in the past as he remembers it.

On the other hand, is it good for him to tell me how angry and anxious he gets in my presence? He says that I’m not doing anything at the moment but just being near me angers him. I did ask him to stop telling me that he doesn’t love me. I’m not trying to make him hold his feelings in but I feel that once I’ve heard it once I don’t need to constantly hear it.

I hope that makes sense. I’m never sure how to approach this.

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“On the other hand, is it good for him to tell me how angry and anxious he gets in my presence? He says that I’m not doing anything at the moment but just being near me angers him. I did ask him to stop telling me that he doesn’t love me. I’m not trying to make him hold his feelings in but I feel that once I’ve heard it once I don’t need to constantly hear it.”

See, that’s where I think that your husband’s issues are well beyond just go-have-fun. It sounds like he needs to see a real psychologist who specializes in helping people with anger and anxiety. Your husband’s feelings are real, it’s just that at this point, they’ve become completely disproportionate to what is triggering them–it’s almost a phobic reaction.

Your local resources are probably fairly limited, but I would suggest talking to your family doctor about your husband’s issues and seeing if you can get a recommendation for an actually effective therapist who can get people to overcome their problems, not just wallow in them. Also, it may be an issue that requires medication (a lot of people seem to be on anxiety medication), so he may need an actual psychiatrist, which he may be resistant to.

This is going to require a lot of diplomacy, but I think it should be possible to greatly increase your husband’s quality of life.

 

[bernadettefaith]

bernadettefaith said:

“On the other hand, is it good for him to tell me how angry and anxious he gets in my presence? He says that I’m not doing anything at the moment but just being near me angers him. I did ask him to stop telling me that he doesn’t love me. I’m not trying to make him hold his feelings in but I feel that once I’ve heard it once I don’t need to constantly hear it.”

See, that’s where I think that your husband’s issues are well beyond just go-have-fun. It sounds like he needs to see a real psychologist who specializes in helping people with anger and anxiety. Your husband’s feelings are real, it’s just that at this point, they’ve become completely disproportionate to what is triggering them–it’s almost a phobic reaction.

Your local resources are probably fairly limited, but I would suggest talking to your family doctor about your husband’s issues and seeing if you can get a recommendation for an actually effective therapist who can get people to overcome their problems, not just wallow in them. Also, it may be an issue that requires medication (a lot of people seem to be on anxiety medication), so he may need an actual psychiatrist, which he may be resistant to.

This is going to require a lot of diplomacy, but I think it should be possible to greatly increase your husband’s quality of life.

I agree. When I asked him if meds would help, he said that it’s possible. However, with the job application right now he’s worried about passing the psych evaluation. He believes that if he’s on meds they might automatically turn him down. Once he finds out whether he has the job or not, he will look into getting on meds.

I do worry that a psychiatrist might suggest that he divorce me to alleviate his anxiety. He is very insistent that I’m the sole cause.

I have searched the “marriage friendly therapist” site and was unable to find any within 50 miles of our home. Some did phone counseling or skype which Dh was ok with. I think I’d feel a little weird doing counseling through Skype but I do want to be sure I get someone who is “marriage friendly” this time.

 

[MJJean]

G away from the internet for 2 days…

WOW!

I agree that a new counselor is in order and considering the dud you got last time I think you’d do better on Skype than in person with someone so limited.

I also agree that your DH probably does want to be married and that maybe there is an anxiety issue rearing it’s head. Maybe he keeps it under control when he’s out in the world and only feels anxiety at home where he is safe. If that’s the case then it would appear to him you are the cause since you are who he is at home with when he finally feels what he feels.

I totally understand why he doesn’t want to possibly go on meds right now, though, as I know people who have been turned down for jobs due to anxiety and/or depression medication. Hopefully, he’ll get the job and be able to explore the possibility of therapy for anxiety and meds afterward.

Have you considered seducing your DH as a way to help break the intimacy ice and help him feel more loving and bonded to you personally? Like a few days of dressing and behaving in whatever way is provocative to him and then going all out. Kids at sitter, romantic dinner or whatever flats your boat as a couple no talk of any relationship drama, just you and him. With some thought and some planning I am pretty sure you could get him to go along with the program. You’re his wife, you know his buttons. Push them.

 

[bernadettefaith]

We’ve tried “date nights” and I’ve tried my best to keep up my appearance. I’d tried dressing in outfits I knew he loved with no comment from him. We’ve done a “movie date” at home after the kids are in bed but he sits across the room from me most times so it doesn’t help with intimacy.

I have to go to the store today so maybe I’ll pick up some food that he really likes. I know that having a meal that’s different usually appeals to him because I tend to follow the same quick and easy meal plan every week. He loves desserts but with his history of weight issues he isn’t thrilled when I make them

 

[Xantippe]

bernadettefaith said:

“I agree. When I asked him if meds would help, he said that it’s possible. However, with the job application right now he’s worried about passing the psych evaluation. He believes that if he’s on meds they might automatically turn him down. Once he finds out whether he has the job or not, he will look into getting on meds.”

That’s very sensible.

I feel like your husband seems to be generally functioning fairly well and making good decisions in general, but with isolated problems. It’s very good that he’s not having some sort of global meltdown.

“I do worry that a psychiatrist might suggest that he divorce me to alleviate his anxiety. He is very insistent that I’m the sole cause.”

I would not be at all worried about the psychiatrist telling him to divorce to alleviate his anxiety, if it was at all a reputable psychiatrist. These days, psychiatrists are very much prescription-writers and medication-tweakers–that’s what they do. I’m not sure about the communication protocols for the profession, but if your therapist does a report for you to take to a psychiatrist (which would be a good idea), I would make sure that it contains something about anxiety and anger. (You may need to pay extra for a report if that’s not something she usually does, but it would be well worth the money.) If that is not your therapist’s evaluation, you can still have her include in her report something like “Bernadettefaith believes that her husband struggles with anger and anxiety and she thinks that her husband’s anger and anxiety seem not to be obviously connected with actual events in their daily life and interactions. BF’s husband has a stressful day job and is worried about his career and BF feels that he is taking out his anxiety from other areas of his life on her.” You could actually submit text to her. If you don’t like her initial draft report, don’t hesitate to make corrections to her summary of your views and ask for a new draft. These are your views, so it’s totally kosher to ask that if she writes “BF thinks blah blah blah” that the blah blah blah actually reflects your views accurately and completely. (I’ve seen a number of psychology reports, and it’s normal to take (name removed by moderator)ut from people other than the patient when writing a report.) If your husband feels differently about his anxiety and anger, he can also submit text, but since he’s the one who will be seeing the psychiatrist in person and privately, he will have ample opportunity to explain himself.

Bear in mind that to an experienced and competent mental health professional, “All my problems are caused by other people,” is not a very convincing statement.

Best wishes!

 

[Julianna]

Tonight didn’t really go well at all. The counselor did a communication activity first which was ok. Then we got to talking about dh’s anxiety. He says it’s getting worse with the holidays coming up as I would get angry when his parents came to visit for Christmas. Remember that I haven’t done this in well over a year. Last Christmas was fine because I was way more concerned about being 9 mos pregnant with a complicated pregnancy.

Anyway, we talked about how I’m upset with the lack of progress. Then she said that it’s because we are on two different pages.** Dh wants to consider leaving and I am not considering that at all.** I said that divorce isn’t the answer and she said the sometimes it is if he’s still unhappy. She more or less said that she’d like us to work out but that the marriage should make Dh happy. If he’s not happy then she doesn’t think he has a choice but to leave. She still does not really have many suggestions for us. She even said that maybe we should try someone else to see if they had ideas. I don’t think I want to go back to her if she says she supports marriage but also believes that divorce would make Dh happy.

On the other hand, Dh says that there is progress because he is talking about his anxiety and getting it all out there. It’s really bothering him and I hate seeing him like this. He says that I’m the cause of all of it and I just don’t know how I am - unless it’s just all his built up resentment coming out.

So yeah, I’m going to be looking for a new counselor most likely. Maybe I’ll try taking to a Christian counselor in town to see how her views on marriage are. There aren’t any Catholic ones locally and I don’t know about another secular one.

I agree with counselor. You need to consider it.When all is said and done, if he is no longer happy in the marriage, he will leave. Have you made any alternative plan arrangements? If not, you really need to think about it.

Have you had any parties, gone out with other couples? Dinner, a sporting event, a cook out? Anything? If not, why not?

He is anxious about the upcoming holidays,…not because of last year, because guilt has got him in a stranglehold…and he knows…“just get me through the holidays…and it will be easier after the first of the year to make an exit.”

He tells you what he wants you and the counselor to hear. Having a “Christian” counselor is not going to be any better, as the “guilt trip” will only hold him in until he gets “HIS” alternative plan arrangements in motion. I bet dollars to donuts he is and has been “making plans” on how to see that you and the kids will be ok. Remember the offer of another car? Yeah, hello…the plan is in motion. You can have the “grocery getter” and he will get a used car for what he needs it for.

Does he know you are communicating on this forum? Has he read any of these posts?

I can see the forest through the trees with this guy. He definately does NOT want to appear “depressed” to counselor…as that is the “death nell” to his career and he knows it. He will pass the psych eval with flying colors…I have no doubt about that at all.

I have stayed away from this thread to see how far this guy will go to get out. And he is showing his true colors. You my dear, need to take off your rose color glasses and start working on YOU and the kids and what YOUR plans are. It’s not going to be pretty by any means, and no you aren’t thinking “negatively” you are being honest about what “may” happen. He is your “bread and butter” and HE KNOWS IT. This isn’t about you and your anger…it’s about HIM finding a way out.