Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

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I’ve told him about the reality that I wouldn’t be cool with hanging out all the time. He even thinks that we would have holidays together with his new girlfriend. I don’t think my family and myself would want that. We currently celebrate at our house and extended family comes over. I don’t think my side would be so welcoming of him and his potential girlfriend.

Also, I can’t guarantee that I’m staying local. I’d obviously need a good job with benefits and it may come down to having to travel a little to find something.
I don’t think I’d love being away from family but having steady employment is most important when I need to care for myself and the kids. I’ve told him this and he’s not happy but does understand how difficult it is to find a job.

We’ve talked about all of this and I think that he might be starting to get it. At least it’s making him consider things before making a decision.

I do think that the new job will help. It should give him more of a purpose in life as he will be able to advance more. At least I hope so.
 
bernadettefaith said:
I’ve told him about the reality that I wouldn’t be cool with hanging out all the time. He even thinks that we would have holidays together with his new girlfriend. I don’t think my family and myself would want that. We currently celebrate at our house and extended family comes over. I don’t think my side would be so welcoming of him and his potential girlfriend.

Also, I can’t guarantee that I’m staying local. I’d obviously need a good job with benefits and it may come down to having to travel a little to find something.
I don’t think I’d love being away from family but having steady employment is most important when I need to care for myself and the kids. I’ve told him this and he’s not happy but does understand how difficult it is to find a job.

We’ve talked about all of this and I think that he might be starting to get it. At least it’s making him consider things before making a decision.

I do think that the new job will help. It should give him more of a purpose in life as he will be able to advance more. At least I hope so.
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good for you!

If I ever left my husband, there is no way we’d be spending holidays together. That is absurd!!!
 
Serap said:
good for you!

If I ever left my husband, there is no way we’d be spending holidays together. That is absurd!!!
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Right! Heck, among all the divorced people I know there is not a one that spends holidays with their ex and certainly not with the ex’s new whatever. Even school plays and other activities and performances are segregated. Mom and her whatever sit in section A and Dad and his whatever sit in section C. They may or may not exchange a few pleasantries and that’s it before they scamper off back to their lives.
BF:
I wouldn’t say “I don’t think my family would be welcoming of you and your future girlfriends” I’d say a flat out “Are you out of your mind? Absolutely not! You will have to make your own holiday arrangements around the visitation schedule for holidays if you decided to go for a divorce.”

Men are funny.
 
Yeah the crazy thing is that he works in family court sometimes. So he definitely knows the reality that co-parents aren’t often best friends. He even texted me during an especially difficult case saying, “Please don’t ever divorce me. I couldn’t stand the fighting.” Of course this was a few years back.

He now believes that we could be good friends and agree on everything. He’d expect to be able to visit his kids in my home but still be able to date other women. I guess he thought divorce would give him the best of both worlds. I’ve told him repeatedly that this is a fantasy but he doesn’t get it. The counselor doesn’t help. She thinks it’s realistic and she even said that he isn’t trying to glorify divorce.

For now, he’s insistent that he’s staying just for the kids. Hopefully he will stick around long enough to resolve the issues and his crisis.
 
bernadettefaith said:
Yeah the crazy thing is that he works in family court sometimes. So he definitely knows the reality that co-parents aren’t often best friends. He even texted me during an especially difficult case saying, “Please don’t ever divorce me. I couldn’t stand the fighting.” Of course this was a few years back.

He now believes that we could be good friends and agree on everything. He’d expect to be able to visit his kids in my home but still be able to date other women. I guess he thought divorce would give him the best of both worlds. I’ve told him repeatedly that this is a fantasy but he doesn’t get it. The counselor doesn’t help. She thinks it’s realistic and she even said that he isn’t trying to glorify divorce.

For now, he’s insistent that he’s staying just for the kids. Hopefully he will stick around long enough to resolve the issues and his crisis.
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If I knew my ex was dating, there’s no way I would treat him like a friend and let him into my house!

If he can stick around while you guys pay off that van, it should be enough time to get over this crisis. It took my husband and I 3 years to get our heads above water after our tough time.
 
Serap said:
If I knew my ex was dating, there’s no way I would treat him like a friend and let him into my house!

If he can stick around while you guys pay off that van, it should be enough time to get over this crisis. It took my husband and I 3 years to get our heads above water after our tough time.
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I hope so. He’s busy with his job application and testing so at least he’s probably not thinking of the relationship issues. If he goes to the academy, that will keep him so busy that he won’t have time to think of relationship issues. It’s pretty much 24 hours a day of torture as it’s supposed to get them conditioned to handle the job. They aren’t allowed to have their phones and can usually make one quick phone call home a week.
 
bernadettefaith said:
I hope so. He’s busy with his job application and testing so at least he’s probably not thinking of the relationship issues. If he goes to the academy, that will keep him so busy that he won’t have time to think of relationship issues. It’s pretty much 24 hours a day of torture as it’s supposed to get them conditioned to handle the job. They aren’t allowed to have their phones and can usually make one quick phone call home a week.
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How long will his training last?
 
Serap said:
May be good to have some time apart.
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Yeah I’m wondering how it will go if he gets it (looking really good so far). Last time he went he was sooooo happy to be home on the weekends because it was totally miserable there. So maybe he will realize that being with me isn’t quite as bad once he’s there.
 
bernadettefaith said:
Yeah I’m wondering how it will go if he gets it (looking really good so far). Last time he went he was sooooo happy to be home on the weekends because it was totally miserable there. So maybe he will realize that being with me isn’t quite as bad once he’s there.
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Pray!
 
bernadettefaith said:
He now believes that we could be good friends and agree on everything. He’d expect to be able to visit his kids in my home but still be able to date other women. I guess he thought divorce would give him the best of both worlds. I’ve told him repeatedly that this is a fantasy but he doesn’t get it. The counselor doesn’t help. She thinks it’s realistic and she even said that he isn’t trying to glorify divorce.

For now, he’s insistent that he’s staying just for the kids. Hopefully he will stick around long enough to resolve the issues and his crisis.
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If the counselor really thinks that you will be best buddies and buys into his fantasy of divorce I think you should either A) make her understand that you aren’t having it or B) find a new therapist if you’ve told her your view and she still doesn’t get it.

I’m divorced, myself, and know more divorced people than I care to think about. Never have I seen a best of both worlds scenario. Usually it’s all about drop off and pick up arguments, missed visitation day make up time arguments, arguments about what the kids can and cannot do, the ex not allowed past the front porch and on and on. And let’s not forget the new love interest being threatened by the ex, the ex not wanting the new love interest anywhere near the kids and so forth.
Serap said:
May be good to have some time apart.
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder or so the saying goes. Time apart might be just what he needs to appreciate what he has. Not to mention he’ll probably run into one divorced guy having drama and get to hear all about it. Give him something to think about.
 
MJJean said (in reverse order):

“I’m divorced, myself, and know more divorced people than I care to think about. Never have I seen a best of both worlds scenario. Usually it’s all about drop off and pick up arguments, missed visitation day make up time arguments, arguments about what the kids can and cannot do, the ex not allowed past the front porch and on and on. And let’s not forget the new love interest being threatened by the ex, the ex not wanting the new love interest anywhere near the kids and so forth.”

I’ve heard of those lovey-dovey divorced couples, but it’s like unicorns and 4-leaf clovers–I have never seen one in real life.

Even if Bernadettefaith were totally cool with her husband’s vision of the BFF divorce, there’s not a new girlfriend on earth who wouldn’t feel threatened by that. It’s not realistic to think that new girlfriend is going to want to spend Christmas Eve in Bernadettefaith’s lair. New girlfriend is going to have totally different ideas, even if they do include the kids. For one thing, new girlfriend is very likely to have her own kids, her own parents, her own ex-husband/baby daddy, her own traditions, etc.

“If the counselor really thinks that you will be best buddies and buys into his fantasy of divorce I think you should either A) make her understand that you aren’t having it or B) find a new therapist if you’ve told her your view and she still doesn’t get it.”

I kind of hate the counselor for encouraging him in this belief, as well as the way that she’s identified Bernadettefaith with her raging ex-husband. I think Bernadettefaith is stuck with her, though, because her husband is unlikely to accept a prolonged period of counselor-shopping, and they could easily do worse, and it might be very difficult to agree to a particular new counselor. I would suggest making the best of this counselor by using your private sessions to explain that 1) you are not her ex-husband and you do not care to be compared to him 2) your husband is in a position to emotionally blackmail you into all sorts of concessions because of your respective situations (i.e. the new car thing) and you would like her to be sensitive to that fact 3) you don’t like the way that he has been justifying his terrible current behavior by dredging up your past temper tantrums and most importantly 4) in the case of divorce, you do not intend to be BFFs with him. There will be a court order which you will obey, and that will be all.
 
I am not sure about the therapist. I’m giving her one more couple’s session and then we will talk about whether to stay with her or switch. We might have to switch anyway if he gets a new job as our insurance will change. I like her as a person but I’m not sure she’s effective. I know I could do a lot worse though. At least she doesn’t tell him to go ahead and divorce since he’s unhappy and not in love. I believe that she genuinely wants us to work out but I don’t know if she knows how to help.
 
MJJean said:
If the counselor really thinks that you will be best buddies and buys into his fantasy of divorce I think you should either A) make her understand that you aren’t having it or B) find a new therapist if you’ve told her your view and she still doesn’t get it.

I’m divorced, myself, and know more divorced people than I care to think about. Never have I seen a best of both worlds scenario. Usually it’s all about drop off and pick up arguments, missed visitation day make up time arguments, arguments about what the kids can and cannot do, the ex not allowed past the front porch and on and on. And let’s not forget the new love interest being threatened by the ex, the ex not wanting the new love interest anywhere near the kids and so forth.
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This is what I have also witnessed with my friends that have divorced parents. It was like the kids were shipped from one household to another. Mom would try to get information about dad’s new girlfriend from her kids and the kids would always feel like they were stuck in the middle.

It’s not a pleasant picture at all. This is why I am 100% against divorce unless there is abuse.
 
bernadettefaith said:
I am not sure about the therapist. I’m giving her one more couple’s session and then we will talk about whether to stay with her or switch. We might have to switch anyway if he gets a new job as our insurance will change. I like her as a person but I’m not sure she’s effective. I know I could do a lot worse though. At least she doesn’t tell him to go ahead and divorce since he’s unhappy and not in love. I believe that she genuinely wants us to work out but I don’t know if she knows how to help.
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maybe she is simply biased?
 
FWIW, 80% of couples who went into counselling said there therapy was inneffective one year later. I’m not convinced that counselling is effective honestly.

The biggest probability that a couple will overcome their problems is simply by staying together and riding it out. The rocky stage ends and then there is calm followed by happiness. I really believe this.

Think of it this way, if a marriage is happy 80% of the time, it’s a successful marriage IMO. So let’s say they are together for 50 years…20% of 50 is 10 years. So in a successful 50 year marriage, the couple will experience 10 years of unhappiness or “bad times”.

This really puts it into perspective doesn’t it 🤷
 
Bernadettefaith said:

“We might have to switch anyway if he gets a new job as our insurance will change.”

That would be a very good excuse.

“I like her as a person but I’m not sure she’s effective.”

You might have gotten as much as you can out of her. I hate to send you guys counselor-shopping though, as your husband could easily regress.
 
Serap said:
FWIW, 80% of couples who went into counselling said there therapy was inneffective one year later. I’m not convinced that counselling is effective honestly.

The biggest probability that a couple will overcome their problems is simply by staying together and riding it out. The rocky stage ends and then there is calm followed by happiness. I really believe this.

Think of it this way, if a marriage is happy 80% of the time, it’s a successful marriage IMO. So let’s say they are together for 50 years…20% of 50 is 10 years. So in a successful 50 year marriage, the couple will experience 10 years of unhappiness or “bad times”.

This really puts it into perspective doesn’t it 🤷
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That is all very true. Time may change everything. Dh insists that every year has been bad so far though he admits to having good times. Nothing he says makes sense and he’s constantly contradicting himself.

I agree that counseling doesn’t always work. I think he has a lot on his mind that he needs to get out there but I hate how each session becomes a chance for him to complain about the same thing every week. It just doesn’t seem productive.

I’ve heard Retrouvaille is much more successful but it doesn’t seem like that will be a possibility any time soon.

During my individual sessions, we talk about how there might be more going on, like PTSD from work stress. That’s totally possible. As much as he insists that I’m the scariest, craziest person he’s ever encountered I know that’s not true.

I’m thinking that we will probably discuss a switch tomorrow depending on how things go. If we aren’t getting anything out of it then Dh would probably agree to see someone else. The problem would be laying out all the issues all over again with someone new.
 
Oh and another thing that bothered me. Obviously, she’s a secular counselor so I don’t know if she just has different ideas or what. However, when we talked about our definition of love, both of us mentioned “putting the other first”. She said that she doesn’t like the idea of sacrificial love :confused: Is love not sacrificial?
 
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