Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[blessedwith3]

He might…but I don’t know that bringing up relationship stuff is smart at the moment.

The therapist and I talked about this a little while I had an individual session the other day. She seemed to think it was a good sign that he talked about our future. However, I mentioned that there’s also the possibility that he doesn’t really think ahead and plan out his future. He might not consider that his post divorce budget would be way less than his current budget. He might possibly be able to afford the payment himself after divorce but I’m sure it would be an extremely tight crunch.

If I bring it up again, should I bring it up in front of him? I just fear bringing up divorce too much will keep it in his mind if that makes sense.

Your right, avoid the divorce word as much as possible. Everytime my husband brings it up, I try to change the subject. I probably always change it to a worse topic for him (staying together), but he wanted to file 4 weeks ago and has yet to, although its because in our situation wr have to be separated for 6 months before he can file. He needs to work things out in his own mind, so never bring up divorce. I know it would be an act, but maybe try getting excited about a new car, maybe he will get excited with you- I really don’t know if that’s good advice, but think about it. If you do get divorced he will Need a car, let him take over the payments (hopefully it doesn’t get that far)

 

[Serap]

Your right, avoid the divorce word as much as possible. Everytime my husband brings it up, I try to change the subject. I probably always change it to a worse topic for him (staying together), but he wanted to file 4 weeks ago and has yet to, although its because in our situation wr have to be separated for 6 months before he can file. He needs to work things out in his own mind, so never bring up divorce. I know it would be an act, but maybe try getting excited about a new car, maybe he will get excited with you- I really don’t know if that’s good advice, but think about it. If you do get divorced he will Need a car, let him take over the payments (hopefully it doesn’t get that far)

Good idea to be excited about buying a new car together. I agree…be positive and cheerful about it.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Yeah I try to be positive about it. I suppose he could take over payments if he chose to leave and it would be his problem to figure out how to pay the car payment and child support. Not sure why he’d want a van if the kids aren’t living with him. I guess depending on what kind of employment I could find, it’s possible that I could afford it. I just like to prepare for worst case scenario in which we were unable to afford the payment.

 

[Serap]

Yeah I try to be positive about it. I suppose he could take over payments if he chose to leave and it would be his problem to figure out how to pay the car payment and child support. Not sure why he’d want a van if the kids aren’t living with him. I guess depending on what kind of employment I could find, it’s possible that I could afford it. I just like to prepare for worst case scenario in which we were unable to afford the payment.

stop living in the unknown and live for “now”. “Now” your husband is not leaving and “now” your husband is attending counselling with you and is talking a future with you again.

“Now” you are still a functioning family and let me tell you, NO marriage ever goes without issues like the ones you guys are having. I know of many many marriages that went through more than one crisis and they got through it.

50% of marriages end in divorce and the other 50% are too stubborn to get divorced

 

[MJJean]

I disagree with not bringing up the marital troubles. They exist and it does make a difference. You don’t have to be negative about it. Just tell him why you’re concerned. It’s sensible and logical.

Have you thought about a lease vehicle? Less of a monthly payment, short term in case the worst does happen down the road, and you have the option to purchase it at the end of the lease.

What about buying a certified used car? I love minivans because I have kids and dogs that need room. But they do tend to be pricier than other models of car. Used minians with low mileage and a dealer warranty are much less expensive. I’ve gone and looked at a few used car lots known for great warranties and seen some lovely minivans that looked and smelled brand new, no known mechanical problems, very low miles and 1/3 to 1/2 the cost of buying new.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I disagree with not bringing up the marital troubles. They exist and it does make a difference. You don’t have to be negative about it. Just tell him why you’re concerned. It’s sensible and logical.

Have you thought about a lease vehicle? Less of a monthly payment, short term in case the worst does happen down the road, and you have the option to purchase it at the end of the lease.

What about buying a certified used car? I love minivans because I have kids and dogs that need room. But they do tend to be pricier than other models of car. Used minians with low mileage and a dealer warranty are much less expensive. I’ve gone and looked at a few used car lots known for great warranties and seen some lovely minivans that looked and smelled brand new, no known mechanical problems, very low miles and 1/3 to 1/2 the cost of buying new.

I’ve looked at used minivans as well so that’s a possibility. For the most part, they weren’t much cheaper than a new one, maybe $4K cheaper. We want as basic as possible and most of the used ones had a lot of options that bumped the price up. The main reason we bought new in the past was due to my husband being so good at negotiating that they were able to sell us a brand new car for only $1,000 more than the preowned models on the lot. It was the end of the month and they needed to meet their quota so they were willing to negotiate more on the new vehicle. This was a Subaru though and used Subarus seem to be hard to come by. We also had the cash to pay for it in full at that time so we were not worried about payments. Used minivans seem to be all over the place.

Oh and in regard to the possible divorce, I would not want the minivan even if I could take over payments. We have rough winters here and I’d want the Subaru for the AWD. I’m also not the best with maneuvering large vehicles so I’d personally prefer something small if it’s the only thing I’m driving. I don’t know what he would do with a minivan if he didn’t even drive the kids around that much.

I’m also not sure how to bring up the marital issues. Should I say something like “You know, if we purchase a new/preowned vehicle with a 36 month loan and divorce then it’s unlikely that either of us can afford the payment alone.” Or say “I’d assume that you’re sticking around since you want to purchase this vehicle together.” I just don’t want to put the word “divorce” into his head at all

 

[MJJean]

I’ve looked at used minivans as well so that’s a possibility. For the most part, they weren’t much cheaper than a new one, maybe $4K cheaper. We want as basic as possible and most of the used ones had a lot of options that bumped the price up. The main reason we bought new in the past was due to my husband being so good at negotiating that they were able to sell us a brand new car for only $1,000 more than the preowned models on the lot. It was the end of the month and they needed to meet their quota so they were willing to negotiate more on the new vehicle. This was a Subaru though and used Subarus seem to be hard to come by. We also had the cash to pay for it in full at that time so we were not worried about payments. Used minivans seem to be all over the place.

Huh, must be a location thing! Around here dealers bring the prices down when the new models come out and when there is a lot of used van selling competition. But I’m just outside of Detroit where our local relationship with cars is a bit different than elsewhere in the country.

I got my last new car 9 years ago just after the Auto Show left the area. They were preparing for new models and had a lovely sale going. 0% down and 0 interest. That’s pretty common here after the Auto Show. Does anything like that go on in your area? The 0 down didn’t make a difference as we used our down payment to pay off some of the principle after we bought, but the 0 interest made a big difference in monthly payment.

But, yeah, I don’t see anything wrong with telling your DH that you love him and want him to be happy, want to have a second car that is reliable, but do worry what the future will hold if he were to decide to leave. Hopefully, he’ll say he isn’t going anywhere and mean it!

 

[bernadettefaith]

Huh, must be a location thing! Around here dealers bring the prices down when the new models come out and when there is a lot of used van selling competition. But I’m just outside of Detroit where our local relationship with cars is a bit different than elsewhere in the country.

I got my last new car 9 years ago just after the Auto Show left the area. They were preparing for new models and had a lovely sale going. 0% down and 0 interest. That’s pretty common here after the Auto Show. Does anything like that go on in your area? The 0 down didn’t make a difference as we used our down payment to pay off some of the principle after we bought, but the 0 interest made a big difference in monthly payment.

But, yeah, I don’t see anything wrong with telling your DH that you love him and want him to be happy, want to have a second car that is reliable, but do worry what the future will hold if he were to decide to leave. Hopefully, he’ll say he isn’t going anywhere and mean it!

We looked into a Dodge Grand Caravan which start out around $20K for the most basic model. That’s about what our Subaru was, though I’m not crazy about giving up the AWD.I believe they have 0% financing for 36 months and we could probably do 20% down. I don’t know about financing deals for used vehicles. I’d probably do the math and figure out which works best. My dad is pretty good with cars - his dad was a mechanic and showed him the ropes. He could definitely look at any used/preowned vehicle for us which would help a lot.

Maybe it’s silly of me, but I really don’t want this vehicle in the event of a divorce. So I’m hesitant to spend the money unless I know he’s sticking around. I’ll ride in a minivan but I don’t want to be the main driver of it. The Subaru is a much more manageable size for me and has AWD which helps in the winter. It’s not usually that we get several feet of snow but our roads are not cleared often enough so the storms that bring more than an inch or two require AWD to pass through.

Oh and I did say, “You know, we will be paying for this for at least 3 years. Do you think that it’s possible to keep up with the payments?” He said that he understands that and that he thinks we will be fine However, keep in mind that if he does get the new job and we need the car that his salary will increase significantly, at least by enough to make the car payment with the difference alone. I would also be able to substitute teach as he would probably have a steady schedule so I could work either on his days off or if he’s on midnights I’d have a lot more availability. Of course, this is all dependent on him staying around.

 

[Serap]

I’ve looked at used minivans as well so that’s a possibility. For the most part, they weren’t much cheaper than a new one, maybe $4K cheaper. We want as basic as possible and most of the used ones had a lot of options that bumped the price up. The main reason we bought new in the past was due to my husband being so good at negotiating that they were able to sell us a brand new car for only $1,000 more than the preowned models on the lot. It was the end of the month and they needed to meet their quota so they were willing to negotiate more on the new vehicle. This was a Subaru though and used Subarus seem to be hard to come by. We also had the cash to pay for it in full at that time so we were not worried about payments. Used minivans seem to be all over the place.

Oh and in regard to the possible divorce, I would not want the minivan even if I could take over payments. We have rough winters here and I’d want the Subaru for the AWD. I’m also not the best with maneuvering large vehicles so I’d personally prefer something small if it’s the only thing I’m driving. I don’t know what he would do with a minivan if he didn’t even drive the kids around that much.

I’m also not sure how to bring up the marital issues. Should I say something like “You know, if we purchase a new/preowned vehicle with a 36 month loan and divorce then it’s unlikely that either of us can afford the payment alone.” Or say “I’d assume that you’re sticking around since you want to purchase this vehicle together.” I just don’t want to put the word “divorce” into his head at all

I respectfully disagree. I do not think you should bring that up. Ask your therapist first and ask how to word it. Sleep on it a month if you have to.

 

[MJJean]

I, personally, prefer used cars because of the purchase price, lower or no payments, and if you have a mechanic in the family so much the better. But I figure I beat that horse already I bought a used Chrysler Town and Country LXI last year for under $3000 solely to drive the kids to and from school and do errands like grocery shopping. She needed a couple parts, but I like working on cars and the parts were cheap, so I’m happy.

I also worried about being able to drive the thing since our other car is a crossover and much smaller, but I got used to it pretty fast and the turning radius is awesome, so that helps. Mind you I have a hard time backing down my own drive in a house we’ve owned for a decade, so driving a bigger car was a lot more intimidating in my mind than it was in practice. And I do love the extra space for pets and kids friends.

If you don’t want to have the talk with him about payments because you don’t want to put the word divorce in his head why not either suggest used as a second vehicle or simply have him put the van in his name alone? If he were to divorce you then he would be solely responsible for paying on his van and you could ask for the current car in the divorce so that you’d have a dependable vehicle and not have to worry about payments.

Another hope for the best, but plan for the worst thing, huh?

 

[Cupofkindness]

Bernadette, it’s time to break away from this forum and spend your time either in prayer, or in caring for yourself, or serving your family. Let love be what motivates your thoughts, words, and actions. Not fear. God will take care of you. You will gain no more by posting here. Pax Christi!

 

[bernadettefaith]

I, personally, prefer used cars because of the purchase price, lower or no payments, and if you have a mechanic in the family so much the better. But I figure I beat that horse already I bought a used Chrysler Town and Country LXI last year for under $3000 solely to drive the kids to and from school and do errands like grocery shopping. She needed a couple parts, but I like working on cars and the parts were cheap, so I’m happy.

I also worried about being able to drive the thing since our other car is a crossover and much smaller, but I got used to it pretty fast and the turning radius is awesome, so that helps. Mind you I have a hard time backing down my own drive in a house we’ve owned for a decade, so driving a bigger car was a lot more intimidating in my mind than it was in practice. And I do love the extra space for pets and kids friends.

If you don’t want to have the talk with him about payments because you don’t want to put the word divorce in his head why not either suggest used as a second vehicle or simply have him put the van in his name alone? If he were to divorce you then he would be solely responsible for paying on his van and you could ask for the current car in the divorce so that you’d have a dependable vehicle and not have to worry about payments.

Another hope for the best, but plan for the worst thing, huh?

I suppose I could try talking him into used a little more. I’ve looked at pre-owned vans locally but the deals weren’t that great. Maybe an older one would be better as long as it has no major issues. The ones that were only a year or two old were generally pretty high priced but one that’s a little older might get us a better deal with no payments or very low payments.

To each his own, but a minivan for a midlife crisis is a little funny in my mind.
I guess I have to find humor somewhere.

 

[MJJean]

I suppose I could try talking him into used a little more. I’ve looked at pre-owned vans locally but the deals weren’t that great. Maybe an older one would be better as long as it has no major issues. The ones that were only a year or two old were generally pretty high priced but one that’s a little older might get us a better deal with no payments or very low payments.

To each his own, but a minivan for a midlife crisis is a little funny in my mind.
I guess I have to find humor somewhere.

Humor helps and there’s nothing wrong with finding it anywhere you can!

My van is…get this… a 2001. She was in great shape and I was comfortable with high mileage (138,000) because a couple friends and a couple family members own the same van and have put over 250,000 miles on theirs. You may want something with lower mileage if you’re worried about winters though. Winters here aren’t that bad and I live in the burbs so I can always call a neighbor if I need to. Have you checked Craigslist? Back when I was 2nd an hunting I checked the for sale by owner section a few times a day. Sometimes you can find older vans driven by mommies or older ladies for a steal. I found one driven by a grannie that could no longer drive. She was selling a near mint van with low miles for under 4k. Unfortunately, someone bought it before I could. I also saw a lot of used older vans at dealerships in great shape with warranties for around 4k, but I wasn’t in love with any of them.

A minivan can to be a midlife crisis vehicle! I swore I’d never drive a minivan and wouldn’t go over crossover size. I’m nearly 40 and now own my first minivan. Why? Because it’s so different from a sedan or a crossover in a good way. I love the space and the ability to literally move furniture in the thing. I’ll probably keep driving a minivan for years after the kids grow up just for the ability to haul stuff around.

 

[Serap]

Humor helps and there’s nothing wrong with finding it anywhere you can!

My van is…get this… a 2001. She was in great shape and I was comfortable with high mileage (138,000) because a couple friends and a couple family members own the same van and have put over 250,000 miles on theirs. You may want something with lower mileage if you’re worried about winters though. Winters here aren’t that bad and I live in the burbs so I can always call a neighbor if I need to. Have you checked Craigslist? Back when I was 2nd an hunting I checked the for sale by owner section a few times a day. Sometimes you can find older vans driven by mommies or older ladies for a steal. I found one driven by a grannie that could no longer drive. She was selling a near mint van with low miles for under 4k. Unfortunately, someone bought it before I could. I also saw a lot of used older vans at dealerships in great shape with warranties for around 4k, but I wasn’t in love with any of them.

A minivan can to be a midlife crisis vehicle! I swore I’d never drive a minivan and wouldn’t go over crossover size. I’m nearly 40 and now own my first minivan. Why? Because it’s so different from a sedan or a crossover in a good way. I love the space and the ability to literally move furniture in the thing. I’ll probably keep driving a minivan for years after the kids grow up just for the ability to haul stuff around.

Toyota?

 

[bernadettefaith]

Humor helps and there’s nothing wrong with finding it anywhere you can!

My van is…get this… a 2001. She was in great shape and I was comfortable with high mileage (138,000) because a couple friends and a couple family members own the same van and have put over 250,000 miles on theirs. You may want something with lower mileage if you’re worried about winters though. Winters here aren’t that bad and I live in the burbs so I can always call a neighbor if I need to. Have you checked Craigslist? Back when I was 2nd an hunting I checked the for sale by owner section a few times a day. Sometimes you can find older vans driven by mommies or older ladies for a steal. I found one driven by a grannie that could no longer drive. She was selling a near mint van with low miles for under 4k. Unfortunately, someone bought it before I could. I also saw a lot of used older vans at dealerships in great shape with warranties for around 4k, but I wasn’t in love with any of them.

A minivan can to be a midlife crisis vehicle! I swore I’d never drive a minivan and wouldn’t go over crossover size. I’m nearly 40 and now own my first minivan. Why? Because it’s so different from a sedan or a crossover in a good way. I love the space and the ability to literally move furniture in the thing. I’ll probably keep driving a minivan for years after the kids grow up just for the ability to haul stuff around.

My dad had a Dodge minivan that he drove for almost 200K miles and 10 years. I think they’re generally the most affordable plus my dad already has experience with working on them. He’s no professional mechanic but can do most of the basic stuff, especially on a car that he’s used to. My uncles also work on cars for a hobby so between all of them, they usually can get the job done. However, my dad is 30 miles away so I don’t know about getting the car to him if it breaks down. I’d probably be best off to get something under 100K miles that doesn’t need work.

We loved the idea of a van for space as well. We often need to haul something but can’t because we don’t have the space. I’m no good with heavy lifting though so that need only helps me with heavy lifting. I totally get why he’d want one while he’s married with kids and dogs. However, he wouldn’t have any of that if he left so I’m not sure why the need for the minivan. He’d never want the dogs and he probably wouldn’t see the kids more than a few times a month, especially with his work schedule.

 

[MJJean]

Toyota?

Nope, Chrysler (which is the same as a Dodge).

My dad had a Dodge minivan that he drove for almost 200K miles and 10 years. I think they’re generally the most affordable plus my dad already has experience with working on them. He’s no professional mechanic but can do most of the basic stuff, especially on a car that he’s used to. My uncles also work on cars for a hobby so between all of them, they usually can get the job done. However, my dad is 30 miles away so I don’t know about getting the car to him if it breaks down. I’d probably be best off to get something under 100K miles that doesn’t need work.

We loved the idea of a van for space as well. We often need to haul something but can’t because we don’t have the space. I’m no good with heavy lifting though so that need only helps me with heavy lifting. I totally get why he’d want one while he’s married with kids and dogs. However, he wouldn’t have any of that if he left so I’m not sure why the need for the minivan. He’d never want the dogs and he probably wouldn’t see the kids more than a few times a month, especially with his work schedule.

well, we’re still hoping your DH will need the van for kids and dogs because he won’t be going anywhere, right? Talking about a new job and job training as well as buying a 2nd vehicle and a minivan at that is a good sign that he’s starting to get past his mini-midlife crisis.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Nope, Chrysler (which is the same as a Dodge).

well, we’re still hoping your DH will need the van for kids and dogs because he won’t be going anywhere, right? Talking about a new job and job training as well as buying a 2nd vehicle and a minivan at that is a good sign that he’s starting to get past his mini-midlife crisis.

Well that does make sense. If he didn’t want to haul around kids and pets then he’d probably be looking for a truck, not a van.

Though his idea of a divorce is that he’d just live somewhere else but still participate in our family by spending time together with the kids, going places together, etc. To me, that’s probably not possible. Also, why not stay married if you really want to spend all of your spare time with me and the kids?

 

[Serap]

Well that does make sense. If he didn’t want to haul around kids and pets then he’d probably be looking for a truck, not a van.

Though his idea of a divorce is that he’d just live somewhere else but still participate in our family by spending time together with the kids, going places together, etc. To me, that’s probably not possible. Also, why not stay married if you really want to spend all of your spare time with me and the kids?

I think he’ll stay married. I have a gut feeling about it.

 

[MJJean]

Well that does make sense. If he didn’t want to haul around kids and pets then he’d probably be looking for a truck, not a van.

Though his idea of a divorce is that he’d just live somewhere else but still participate in our family by spending time together with the kids, going places together, etc. To me, that’s probably not possible. Also, why not stay married if you really want to spend all of your spare time with me and the kids?

New job training and new job, providing he is accepted and still wants to do it, is something exciting to look forward to. Something to make him feel he still has new things on the horizon and shows him that life isn’t over for him. So, that means he may really be beginning to get past the “OMG! This is my life” hump.

I know you don’t want to talk divorce so it’s not on his mind, but if he really believes that he can basically act like he’s still married and living with his kids while living elsewhere he is in for a rude awakening. He’d have to understand that being with him after a divorce would be painful for you. He’d also have to understand that acting as a family when you are no longer an intact family isn’t appropriate. Not to mention that I’m sure anyone he is dating wouldn’t be pleased at all that he’s hanging out with his ex wife. And, frankly, most people grow and change. You may date and your SO wouldn’t be thrilled to have him along, either. Or you could remain single and become involved in other activities, change your routine, etc. Which would make everything different.

Which is the bottom line: After a divorce everything is different! The locks get changed, you see the kids less, your ex moves on in life both in small and large ways. Thinking a divorce wouldn’t create major change is romanticizing it in a big way. He needs to understand that just in case he is thinking of buying the van with the idea that a divorce wouldn’t really change much other than giving him the freedom to date other women. If he doesn’t thoroughly understand that he may decide to go ahead and do things based on nothing near reality.

I know too many divorced couples who had all the plans in the world of being best friends and co-parents. Right up until real life intruded.

When my marriage was in a rough patch I didn’t hesitate to point out how things would be different if we divorced up to and including the fact that I would change the locks and he would be welcome in my home as any other guest, but nothing more. Same rules apply. Call before you come over, knock before entering if I’m home, and don’t assume myself or the children won’t be busy doing something else if it’s not a schedule visitation day. For my DH that really opened his eyes.

 

[Serap]

New job training and new job, providing he is accepted and still wants to do it, is something exciting to look forward to. Something to make him feel he still has new things on the horizon and shows him that life isn’t over for him. So, that means he may really be beginning to get past the “OMG! This is my life” hump.

I know you don’t want to talk divorce so it’s not on his mind, but if he really believes that he can basically act like he’s still married and living with his kids while living elsewhere he is in for a rude awakening. He’d have to understand that being with him after a divorce would be painful for you. He’d also have to understand that acting as a family when you are no longer an intact family isn’t appropriate. Not to mention that I’m sure anyone he is dating wouldn’t be pleased at all that he’s hanging out with his ex wife. And, frankly, most people grow and change. You may date and your SO wouldn’t be thrilled to have him along, either. Or you could remain single and become involved in other activities, change your routine, etc. Which would make everything different.

Which is the bottom line: After a divorce everything is different! The locks get changed, you see the kids less, your ex moves on in life both in small and large ways. Thinking a divorce wouldn’t create major change is romanticizing it in a big way. He needs to understand that just in case he is thinking of buying the van with the idea that a divorce wouldn’t really change much other than giving him the freedom to date other women. If he doesn’t thoroughly understand that he may decide to go ahead and do things based on nothing near reality.

I know too many divorced couples who had all the plans in the world of being best friends and co-parents. Right up until real life intruded.

When my marriage was in a rough patch I didn’t hesitate to point out how things would be different if we divorced up to and including the fact that I would change the locks and he would be welcome in my home as any other guest, but nothing more. Same rules apply. Call before you come over, knock before entering if I’m home, and don’t assume myself or the children won’t be busy doing something else if it’s not a schedule visitation day. For my DH that really opened his eyes.

These would be good things to mention if BF’s hubby doesn’t smarten up. It’s a really good point to give a reality bite, but only when it’s needed. BF will know when it’s the right time to put that card on the table.

Man, life can be so hard! My marriage is doing ok right now, but the stresses of raising kids still causes my husband and I to snap unfairly at eachother.