Marriage Issue - Lost and Confused

[bernadettefaith]

We are both seeing the counselor individually tomorrow. I’m still not sure about the counselor. She says that she’s pro-marriage but I have my doubts. It seems like her experiences with her ex husband come up in every session It makes me a little uncomfortable, as if she’s saying that she did so much better by leaving her first husband and marrying her current husband. I just feel like this could affect dh’s attitude toward our marriage. I feel like she promotes “personal happiness” over marriage. I don’t know what to expect though since I’ve never seen a counselor before. I don’t know where else to go if we decide to switch. I feel like we spent so much time just getting the issues out there and have not received any helpful feedback.

I’d really like to go to Retrouvaille some time next year. Dh is hopefully starting a new job (same field) and will have to attend training for several months away from home. So Retrouvaille probably won’t be possible until July This might be better for our family though because ds will be a bit older and might be able to handle a 48 hour separation better. I’m sure he will still be nursing and it will be a pain to take pumping breaks all weekend…but still doable.

 

[MJJean]

I’d be seriously considering a religious counseling service if you can. I mean, a counselor shouldn’t be bringing up her personal past with an ex husband in the first place. Doesn’t seem very professional to me. It’s not about her or her former marriage, its about you and your marriage.

 

[bernadettefaith]

I’d be seriously considering a religious counseling service if you can. I mean, a counselor shouldn’t be bringing up her personal past with an ex husband in the first place. Doesn’t seem very professional to me. It’s not about her or her former marriage, its about you and your marriage.

Yeah I think it is odd that he always comes up. She brings up his temper as if she’s comparing me to him. I can understand why she left him if he refused help - but I’m working through my issues.

Dh doesn’t like the idea of a religious counselor. However, I’ve been considering a christian counselor who is also covered on our insurance. If it’s free then he might be more willing to go. I’ve found Catholic counselors but they didn’t accept insurance and do phone counseling only. I’ll give this counselor another individual session and a couples session and if I’m still not seeing any road to improvement I can talk to Dh about switching.

 

[PhiloMed]

I’d be seriously considering a religious counseling service if you can. I mean, a counselor shouldn’t be bringing up her personal past with an ex husband in the first place. Doesn’t seem very professional to me. It’s not about her or her former marriage, its about you and your marriage.

Agreed!

I would be annoyed if the counselor was bringing up her own failed marriage. Who is counseling who?

 

[bernadettefaith]

Agreed!

I would be annoyed if the counselor was bringing up her own failed marriage. Who is counseling who?

Glad I’m not the only one. I like that she’s laid back and friendly but to talk about her personal life is a bit much IMO.

 

[Serap]

Glad I’m not the only one. I like that she’s laid back and friendly but to talk about her personal life is a bit much IMO.

I agree with everything you guys have just said.

 

[SecretaryMonday]

To share: I come from a family of abuse and strife. My parents split up when I was 17 after years of abusing eachother and their children physically and emotionally. I was majorly messed up for many years until about the age of 30. I had no coping skills for everyday stresses and often had panic attacks over trivial things. Even though I am very resilient, I was damaged severely. I’m ok now, but I can honestly speak from the perspective of an abusive hostile household that I would have been better off if my parents had of split up when I was young.

I don’t mean to derail the thread (at least not for very long ), but what did you do that stopped your being “majorly messed up?” I am also from an abusive household (mostly emotional, not so much physical) and I haven’t reached the magic 30 mark.

 

[bernadettefaith]

Thanks everyone. I guess my main issue with switching is that we would have to go through all the stuff we’ve told her all over again. That gets pretty painful . Once the problems are “out there” I hate reliving all of it by describing the situation to another counselor (or several). She seemed very friendly and we liked her at first as she is laid back and made us comfortable with talking about some rough subjects. Dh still likes her a lot and thinks going to her individually really helps. I guess we’ll see how tomorrow night goes and go from there.

 

[Serap]

I don’t mean to derail the thread (at least not for very long ), but what did you do that stopped your being “majorly messed up?” I am also from an abusive household (mostly emotional, not so much physical) and I haven’t reached the magic 30 mark.

haha! I’m not majorly messed up…just a bit messed up at age 42

WELL…I kept striving to improve myself and I never gave up on reaching my goals. My self esteem improved greatly after finishing university on my dime. Then I moved from company to company, each time moving to a higher paid position. I was then able to pay off my loans and begin living well. I had a lovely apartment, no debt, and a fun group of friends. Day by day, my self esteem increased as I reached each goals. I bought some nice furniture, nice clothes, etc. I began to feel less deprived and more like I was living comfortably.

Then at 30, I met my husband and reached a new phase of learning to trust and love by allowing him into my life. I had not had a boyfriend for 7 years out of fear. It was hard b/c I was afraid of abandonment and hurt. I let him into my heart and didn’t allow my fears to ruin it. He was also very accepting of my emotional wounds and it helped me heal even more.

Fastforward to age 35, we were married and age 36 I had a daughter. Then I had to face different demons. I had to face my anger of my parents not being there for me as a baby. Each day I loved my daughter and realized how abused I was as a child. I saw how wonderful my husband was (is) with my daughter and realized how mentally ill my father is (for what he did to me). Then I had my son, who was a very difficult baby/toddler and I had to go through the anger all over again of realizing how a mother “should” love her children. I was also angry with my lack of coping skills due to my abusive past. By the time my son was about 2, the anger faded and was replaced with acceptance and forgiveness.

It was a long road to recovery for me. I still struggle with being able to cope with certain stressful situations, but I am very aware of it and I make a huge effort to cope and be a better person. So far, I’ve done a pretty good job of it. I have to work harder than some b/c of the way my brain is wired. It’s a struggle.

You may have begun the journey of life at a disadvantage, but with determination and hard work, you can take baby steps towards being the person you wish to become. Don’t accept the myth that you are “different” or “damaged” b/c of your past. That’s a load of bull!!! You are no different than anyone else. You may have a different journey, but you have the same opportunities as everyone else. You can get where ever you need to be with perserverence.

 

[Serap]

Thanks everyone. I guess my main issue with switching is that we would have to go through all the stuff we’ve told her all over again. That gets pretty painful . Once the problems are “out there” I hate reliving all of it by describing the situation to another counselor (or several). She seemed very friendly and we liked her at first as she is laid back and made us comfortable with talking about some rough subjects. Dh still likes her a lot and thinks going to her individually really helps. I guess we’ll see how tomorrow night goes and go from there.

I’m just curious…just how bad was your temper in the past? Why would your counsellor compare you to her angry ex? Was your temper really that bad?

 

[bernadettefaith]

I’m just curious…just how bad was your temper in the past? Why would your counsellor compare you to her angry ex? Was your temper really that bad?

I don’t think that it was. She wasn’t there though so she has no idea. I also don’t know how bad her ex was so it’s hard to compare. All she’s ever said was that he had a temper and refused help. When dh said that he’s surprised when I don’t lose my temper, she said that she was surprised when her current husband didn’t lose his temper because her ex always did. I certainly did not always lose my temper.

To be fair, I mentioned that dh said I was acting like a (insert bad word here) and I said that this was unacceptable because it was like calling me that bad word. Then, she gave an example of how her ex said all women are (insert negative term for women). So I guess she brings him up in relation to dh as well.

 

[Serap]

I don’t think that it was. She wasn’t there though so she has no idea. I also don’t know how bad her ex was so it’s hard to compare. All she’s ever said was that he had a temper and refused help. When dh said that he’s surprised when I don’t lose my temper, she said that she was surprised when her current husband didn’t lose his temper because her ex always did. I certainly did not always lose my temper.

To be fair, I mentioned that dh said I was acting like a (insert bad word here) and I said that this was unacceptable because it was like calling me that bad word. Then, she gave an example of how her ex said all women are (insert negative term for women). So I guess she brings him up in relation to dh as well.

ok…it sounds like your counsellor is trying very hard to be unbiased. I hope so!

 

[bernadettefaith]

ok…it sounds like your counsellor is trying very hard to be unbiased. I hope so!

Yeah I hope so too. It’s just kind of awkward to hear about her ex compared to her current husband. I don’t really like how she tells us how much better her current husband is than her ex. It probably just makes dh want to find someone else even more.

Of course, her ex sounds pretty bad. I don’t know his side of the story so I can’t say for sure. If he refused to go to counseling with her it might have been unbearable to stay married. I’m not really sure how bad it was. Regardless, I’m getting help and changing so I don’t think it’s relevant.

 

[Serap]

Yeah I hope so too. It’s just kind of awkward to hear about her ex compared to her current husband. I don’t really like how she tells us how much better her current husband is than her ex. It probably just makes dh want to find someone else even more.

Of course, her ex sounds pretty bad. I don’t know his side of the story so I can’t say for sure. If he refused to go to counseling with her it might have been unbearable to stay married. I’m not really sure how bad it was. Regardless, I’m getting help and changing so I don’t think it’s relevant.

You could maybe point out in your one on one session how you feel about her saying those things to your husband and how it makes you feel? Tell her directly is what I would do.

 

[bernadettefaith]

You could maybe point out in your one on one session how you feel about her saying those things to your husband and how it makes you feel? Tell her directly is what I would do.

Maybe I will tell her this tonight. It seems like such an awkward conversation but necessary.

 

[MJJean]

Maybe I will tell her this tonight. It seems like such an awkward conversation but necessary.

I agree, definitely tell her.

I think her experience with her ex does make her biased. I think that perhaps the “anger issues” you had are being blown out of proportion by your husband so that he can justify his feelings of regret and desire for a separation/divorce and a do over. I would wonder if the counselor is not as unbiased and realistic as you think because of her experience personally with someone who may have had actual anger issues.

Frankly, she had a husband with anger issues and she is happier now that she is divorced and remarried. It’s not a big leap to say that she may encourage someone else who has a spouse that gets angry do the same thing she has done.

And, again, she really does need to keep her former and current marriage out of counseling sessions. You’re the ones receiving therapy, not her. I think it highly inappropriate to mention it at all.

(my definition of anger issues leans more toward emotional cruelty (yelling often and saying very deeply cutting things) and violence…hitting, throwing objects at someones head etc.)

 

[bernadettefaith]

I agree, definitely tell her.

I think her experience with her ex does make her biased. I think that perhaps the “anger issues” you had are being blown out of proportion by your husband so that he can justify his feelings of regret and desire for a separation/divorce and a do over. I would wonder if the counselor is not as unbiased and realistic as you think because of her experience personally with someone who may have had actual anger issues.

Frankly, she had a husband with anger issues and she is happier now that she is divorced and remarried. It’s not a big leap to say that she may encourage someone else who has a spouse that gets angry do the same thing she has done.

And, again, she really does need to keep her former and current marriage out of counseling sessions. You’re the ones receiving therapy, not her. I think it highly inappropriate to mention it at all.

(my definition of anger issues leans more toward emotional cruelty (yelling often and saying very deeply cutting things) and violence…hitting, throwing objects at someones head etc.)

I’m thinking that her ex was more along the lines of those types of anger issues.

I did get very angry with his parents and said negative things about them.
This was all based on a lie that he told. While I realize that my behavior was wrong,
I didn’t know that it affected him to the extent that it did. I didn’t stop him from seeing his parents and still invited them to all family events and all. I just vented a lot about them before I saw them and this was wrong of me.

I did not yell at him or do anything violent. I admit I was totally wrong to get so angry with his parents and to hold a grudge. I do not think that it’s grounds for divorce as long as I work on improving myself.

 

[Xantippe]

MJJean said:

“I think her experience with her ex does make her biased. I think that perhaps the “anger issues” you had are being blown out of proportion by your husband so that he can justify his feelings of regret and desire for a separation/divorce and a do over. I would wonder if the counselor is not as unbiased and realistic as you think because of her experience personally with someone who may have had actual anger issues.”

Yes!

“Frankly, she had a husband with anger issues and she is happier now that she is divorced and remarried. It’s not a big leap to say that she may encourage someone else who has a spouse that gets angry do the same thing she has done.”

Even if just implicitly. Your husband is definitely going to be thinking, the counselor left her mean old husband and is happily remarried, and I can do exactly the same thing. I think you need to point this out to her.

Also, point out to her that she should not be encouraging him to beat up on you for stuff you’re not doing any more. If you do stuff he doesn’t like now, fine, but he doesn’t get to bring up old stuff 500 times.

“And, again, she really does need to keep her former and current marriage out of counseling sessions. You’re the ones receiving therapy, not her. I think it highly inappropriate to mention it at all.”

Yes.

 

[SecretaryMonday]

Thanks, Serap.

Don’t accept the myth that you are “different” or “damaged” b/c of your past. That’s a load of bull!!!

 

[MJJean]

I’m thinking that her ex was more along the lines of those types of anger issues.

I did get very angry with his parents and said negative things about them.
This was all based on a lie that he told. While I realize that my behavior was wrong,
I didn’t know that it affected him to the extent that it did. I didn’t stop him from seeing his parents and still invited them to all family events and all. I just vented a lot about them before I saw them and this was wrong of me.

I did not yell at him or do anything violent. I admit I was totally wrong to get so angry with his parents and to hold a grudge. I do not think that it’s grounds for divorce as long as I work on improving myself.

If your representation of the situation is accurate, I am so confused! We all get ticked off and vent. Sometimes even loudly. I wouldn’t consider that anger issues. I consider that human.

In anger I have said some unkind things about everyone my husband is related to and everyone he knows. I have also admitted that I was angry, could have handled things better, and apologized. He’s done the same. And don’t get me started on us venting and hating on family we’ve just left who acted like jerks. We’ve spent entire car trips taking turns venting to each other in that way. It’s never been a dealbreaker for us or allowed to cause trouble in the marriage. And I don’t think it would cause such trouble in most marriages. Going out on a limb here, but I can’t think that angry things aren’t said routinely by married people and they get over it provided certain lines aren’t crossed such as hitting and throwing things.

Maybe I am lacking some sensitivity, but I can’t imagine a grown man being scared and upset for months/years over his wife venting and saying some unkind things about his family unless she was doing it at the top of her voice while kicking the dog or throwing glass vases at his head.

I really do, assuming you’ve been totally honest about your part, think this “anger issues” and fear claim have a lot more to do with him looking for an excuse to get his do over and less to do with actual anger and fear.