I have a pretty long and complicated situation that has really been bothering me. I needed somewhere to get a Catholic viewpoint on the situation because I know secular society would likely say to leave my husband and I am committed to my vows.
My husband and I dated throughout high school and college. We married after dating for six years when we were in our early 20’s. We both were lucky to have found jobs in our respective careers. We also were mature and responsible despite our young age. We received very little pre-marital counseling from our parish priest. He knew both of us well as we’d been actively involved in the church for years. Now I’m wishing he would have done a little more counseling with us.
We’ve now been married 6 years and have two young children (one is still an infant). I am a practicing Catholic and dh is basically a cradle Catholic who is not necessarily in agreement with the church (attends mass with the family when not working).
2 months ago, my husband sat down with me and discussed that he is unhappy in our marriage. I was so extremely upset to think that my husband was unhappy as I do love him very much and want to see him happy. I stayed up half the night wondering what I have done to make him so unhappy. And I did come up with many things that had to change. I haven’t been a perfect wife. I’ve always been faithful to him but my attitude toward him has been not so kind over the years. Sex had been an issue as well (did not want it while pregnant or postpartum). I completely and totally understand that my behavior was awful. I haven’t been unfaithful or physically/emotionally abusive. No drug addiction on either side. I don’t blame him for being unhappy though I do wish he would’ve brought this to my attention sooner. I told him of the issues and he agreed that those were things to work on. However, he had come to the conclusion that our marriage was over. He decided to stay and work it out because I was so willing to fix my behavior.
Then, my husband started telling me that he had “fallen out of love” with me and was considering leaving me. Of course, my poor attitude probably did make me unlovable. I just don’t understand the “falling out of love” idea because I have always felt that love is a choice. I know I’ve hurt him deeply but I don’t get his idea that he cannot love.
We’ve started counseling and I’m hoping it will help. We’ve considered talking to our parish priest but I’m not really sure if he’ll have the time to talk with us and it would make us quite uncomfortable as we know him so well.
Here’s the most disturbing part:
I asked my husband when he stopped loving me. He said that he stopped one year before we were married. At the time, we had no concrete marriage plans but were engaged. He said that he felt obligated to marry me because he had already proposed and didn’t want to let me down. He said that at the time he was hoping to get the chance to date other women as I’m the only one he’d ever dated. He said that he also wanted the chance to have sex and since he’d been waiting for 5 years he might as well wait till the wedding. This makes absolutely no sense to me! I don’t believe that he would honestly marry me without love. He’s been so loving toward me up until the last few months. Now he will barely hug or kiss me and we are more or less living as brother and sister
This is not like my husband at all! It’s as if I’m living with a stranger.
I’m just so hurt beyond all hurts I’ve ever felt in my life. I’ve had a poor attitude in the past. I’ve turned down my husband’s sexual advances at times. I’ve argued with my in-laws and have been rude. I’m very glad to get the wake up call that I need to change but I don’t want it to cost me my marriage!
My husband says that he’s miserable and if things don’t change then some day he will have to leave the marriage before it affects our family. Am I selfish for wanting him to stay? According to him, I’ve changed over the past few months and he cannot think of anything else I need to do to improve. He says that he feels loved by me. However, he says that he cannot love me back.
I also hate the idea that he married me only out of obligation or for sex! I thought that even in his early 20’s he would be able to make a mature decision. If that is true then I would think our marriage could even be invalid
Sorry if my words are confusing at all. I’m stressed and desperate at the moment and can’t think totally clearly.
He does seem to focus all of his attention and affection on the kids right now.
Getting my husband to go to confession is not likely but I can suggest.
