Marriage prep course timing

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Anglewannabe

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Ok, this is a hypothetical questions since I don’t have a boyfriend. I always wondered why the marriage prep course is giving to engaged couples. In my mind, the whole point of the course is to open a couples eyes to what marriage is really about in order for them to discern if it is the right decision. I think it would take tremendous strength for a couple to take the course and if they realize they are not meant to be married call the whole thing off.

So why doesn’t the church offer a course for dating? It would make a lot more snense to me to take the course and THEN decide if one should go ahead and get engaged.

I keep thinking of my uncle. He got married when the whole ‘marriage prep’ course first began and it was optional. He told my mom the priest just told him what kind of girl not to date and all he could think was ‘too late I am engaged’. Needless to say his wife left him. But it does prove the point, the course should be taken before engagement

What do others think?

Angie
 
Well… yes it could be weird to ask someone you just met to attend the course, but the older you are, the less weird it would be. Perhaps to secular people age wouldn’t make it easier, but to a Catholic in their 40s, why else would you start dating? And I am sure that most churches would allow couples who are discerning to take the marriage prep course for the simple reason of increasing attendance

Maybe a dating course would be more beneficial if it was for single people ie one course where only women would attend and one for men only. The course would be more of what to look for in a person. Kind of like a St John’s ambulance course. There is no danger but what to do if ever an emergency comes up.

But let’s not start equating dating to emergencies;)
 
10 or so years ago I did a course on Liturgy where the priest who was teaching it said that the Church was looking at a new way of doing marriage preparation, similar to the RCIA process. The couple would be enrolled in the Order of the Engaged and mentored by married couple sponsors as they discern marriage.

I know they are updating the marriage rite but I don’t know if they are going to that extent.
 
Phemie said:
10 or so years ago I did a course on Liturgy where the priest who was teaching it said that the Church was looking at a new way of doing marriage preparation, similar to the RCIA process. The couple would be enrolled in the Order of the Engaged and mentored by married couple sponsors as they discern marriage.

I know they are updating the marriage rite but I don’t know if they are going to that extent.
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I’ve seen this in some parishes. After the initial interviews with the priest, the priest makes his recommendation for the couple for what type of pre-cana classes the couple needs, to meeting with the priest on a regular basis, being mentored by married couples and/or talking only one or two classes offered by the diocese,etc.

I don’t think that’s what the OP is talking about though. I thought the OP was suggesting some sort of class BEFORE the couple becomes engaged and starts planning the wedding, that the engagement would be the final step after completing the class and discerning. Is that correct, OP?
 
Phemie said:
10 or so years ago I did a course on Liturgy where the priest who was teaching it said that the Church was looking at a new way of doing marriage preparation, similar to the RCIA process. The couple would be enrolled in the Order of the Engaged and mentored by married couple sponsors as they discern marriage.

I know they are updating the marriage rite but I don’t know if they are going to that extent.
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This is a ministry that our parish offers.This is in addition to the pre Cana classes for engaged couples.
 
There are several different preparation periods related to marriage. Remote preparation, which usually occurs through religious education and adult catechesis programs, focuses on the sacramental nature of marriage and what we should do in preparation for it.

Proximate preparation for marriage, which is what you are talking about, is for a specific couple who has discerned their call to marriage together.

Remote and proximate preparation do not have the same purpose or focus. It is not appropriate for a dating couple to engage in proximate preparation, but remote preparation… Absolutely.
 
My husband and I did (long-distance) “pre-marital” counseling, before we got engaged. Just as a sort of preparation, y’know? Figured it would be wise to bring out all those issues and address them before we got engaged.

🤷 Worked for us.
 
The conversations you have with a significant other while you are dating are different than when you are engaged in that “if” becomes “when”. You begin talking in concrete terms, and having to make real decisions together regarding where you are going to live, money, etc. All the things that were just an idea before (even if you may have talked about them hypothetically) become a reality. While marriage prep is in some ways as you said, helping them to decide if it’s the right decision, it’s also designed to get a couple talking about important things. I think it would have been kind of weird doing “marriage prep” if I wasn’t engaged first.

I think it is a good idea to have some kind of alternative “discernment” program for those just dating, and I’m sure if someone was struggling with that their priest would be willing to help. But being engaged IS different than just dating, and preparing to be married is different than discerning who to marry. Two different issues.
 
PatriceA said:
I thought the OP was suggesting some sort of class BEFORE the couple becomes engaged and starts planning the wedding, that the engagement would be the final step after completing the class and discerning. Is that correct, OP?
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Yes
 
Lorelei12 said:
The conversations you have with a significant other while you are dating are different than when you are engaged in that “if” becomes “when”. You begin talking in concrete terms, and having to make real decisions together regarding where you are going to live, money, etc. All the things that were just an idea before (even if you may have talked about them hypothetically) become a reality.
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Personally, I ALWAYS talked about where we would live how to budget money. I was never on the same page as any man so I never married. I can’t imagine accepting an engagement ring without first knowing how a man feels about certain things

Angie
 
Lorelei12 said:
I think it is a good idea to have some kind of alternative “discernment” program for those just dating, and I’m sure if someone was struggling with that their priest would be willing to help. But being engaged IS different than just dating, and preparing to be married is different than discerning who to marry. Two different issues.
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The problem, as the OP states, is that once they are committed to marry, no amount of discovering they’re not right for each other is going to make most couples call off the wedding.

In my experience, the Church is usually the last place approached in the planning of a wedding. By the time they come to us they’ve already invested thousands and barring finding out that the fiancé(e) is being unfaitful, they will forge ahead regardless of how many red flags pop up during the preparation.
 
Anglewannabe said:
Personally, I ALWAYS talked about where we would live how to budget money. I was never on the same page as any man so I never married. I can’t imagine accepting an engagement ring without first knowing how a man feels about certain things

Angie
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It’s not just about money, it’s about everything, and the way those subjects are discussed. Once you’ve agreed to marry someone and publicized it, your conversations become much more specific and less abstract. Presumably someone knows their significant other and their thoughts on all the important subjects before becoming engaged. Of course that doesn’t always happen, and that’s why I agree more prep before becoming engaged might be helpful for some couples. But preparation for engagement isn’t the same thing as preparation for marriage.
 
Maybe this is like having a new poppy, even though people tell you this is a lot of work, you don’t fully realize it until you own one, lol…

Seriously, i don’t know one couple that had this course, complain that it wasn’t any use.

Marriage can be quite intense once the couple get comfortable with each other. You need to have some sort of basic to deal with finance, sexuality, children and your spouse. It is far more important to focus on marriage preparation then the wedding day.

As a mother, if i would have to do this again, i would have gone with tone of course about children. Starting with breastfeeding because if you don’t know how to avoid injuries. You will be put into a great challenge if you don’t because literally your child’s life depend on you and injure or not, you need to provide milk.

The excitement to embrace something new, can blind you with the reality or not being able to foreseen important details. Never make a decision from impulse until you have check all the venue. Example, if you want to be able to afford that one of you stay at home to raise the children, live on one salary and bank the other one. Don’t go for expensive house or car but choose modest in all ways.

Marriage course preparation cover not only spirituality of a Christian life but all the challenges that you can encounter as a married couple.

Love and blessings!
 
Chantal25 said:
Marriage course preparation cover not only spirituality of a Christian life but all the challenges that you can encounter as a married couple.

Love and blessings!
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That depends totally on what a parish uses as a course. In ours, the couple is sent away with a workbook that they may or may not work on. They are supposed to meet with the priest after each chapter but I’ve known couples to meet with him only once a few days before the wedding. At that point there is no way anyone is going to call off the wedding.
 
Phemie said:
That depends totally on what a parish uses as a course. In ours, the couple is sent away with a workbook that they may or may not work on. They are supposed to meet with the priest after each chapter but I’ve known couples to meet with him only once a few days before the wedding. At that point there is no way anyone is going to call off the wedding.
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Which brings up the point, if the couple in question isn’t motivated to work on their marriage before the actual wedding ceremony, you can offer all the marriage prep courses in the world but its not going to make any difference.
 
I actually bought a secular book called “1001 Questions to ask before Getting Married” when an ex-boyfriend and I first started talking about getting engaged. It was written because the author had found a lot of people didn’t know what to expect after the wedding was over and so had written a series of questions for couples to talk about in hopes of making the marriage go smoother. I found the book a great help because we were able to bring those up before engagement to help us decide if that was the right path for us. I kept the book and my husband and I also used it for some starting conversations while discerning engagement and marriage.

It started with questions about the couples family, like “are your parents still married? if yes why do you think the marriage lasted so long? if no why do you think they divorced? What can you learn from them?” It went through household basics like “how often do you think the dishes should be washed? the laundry done? the bathrooms cleaned?” it went through normal questions about having kids and brought up random scenarious like “What would you do if your 8-year old son wanted to take ballet?” Just to get you talking about potentially unexpected things. It asked about living in the city vs. the country, and where and how to take vacations, and just more topics than I can really go into.

When we went through marriage prep at the church the course didn’t ask us a single question we hadn’t already talked about. However it was still fun to talk about them again to see if our answers had changed much since when we originally started.

My overall point is, I think it would be really great if we could make up a book of questions like this for young Catholics. Single Catholics who are considering marriage could even pick up a copy to read through to get an idea of what types of things they should talk about and look for in a future spouse and perhaps this would help more couples when making the decision on whether to get engaged and then married.
 
Lorelei12 said:
It’s not just about money, it’s about everything, and the way those subjects are discussed. Once you’ve agreed to marry someone and publicized it, your conversations become much more specific and less abstract. Presumably someone knows their significant other and their thoughts on all the important subjects before becoming engaged. Of course that doesn’t always happen, and that’s why I agree more prep before becoming engaged might be helpful for some couples. But preparation for engagement isn’t the same thing as preparation for marriage.
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I bolded the part I don’t understand. Personally, my conversations were VERY specific since I want to know before accepting the ring. For example, I always said I would not live in the country. I can not see how after I publicize an engagement that changes. Perhaps I am different:shrug:
 
Phemie said:
That depends totally on what a parish uses as a course. In ours, the couple is sent away with a workbook that they may or may not work on. They are supposed to meet with the priest after each chapter but I’ve known couples to meet with him only once a few days before the wedding. At that point there is no way anyone is going to call off the wedding.
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If you had a good priest they would.

I’ve seen a priest stop in the early in wedding and ask that the best man be removed from the wedding party because he was obviously drunk. He was also barred from “witnessing” the marriage certificate.
 
When I did confirmation classes as a teenager, they did a couple classes on dating and what to look for in a potential life partner, etc. Problem was, it fell on deaf ears, at least with me. That’s the problem with talking to teenagers, imo, they don’t want to hear that kind of thing. Maybe it should be offered for late teens/early 20s before people even get to the point of marriage discussion?
 
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