Marriage problems etc

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My husband and I have been married 9 years. Whenever we argue, he often says “I don’t need this, I’m moving out.” We make up, he doesn’t leave. One time after we had a major argument, he said “I’m leaving, I’ll give you a couple months to get on your feet and get a decent job, then I’m out.”, with little to no affection for about 3 months (like doesn’t kiss me, hug me etc). 3 months went by, he never left. That was last year. Now he’s mad about something else and I’m hearing the same thing “ I’m leaving, you have a couple months to get a stable job”. It’s been a week and I’m not getting affection again. I haven’t worked in a few years so I would need to get a job if he really leaves. My question is, why does he keep doing this? Does this mean he really doesn’t even care for me if his love seems like a switch that can be turned on and off? In between the times of these instances, we’re fine and get along, do things together and get along good. Then we argue, same things happen. Any advice would be appreciated.
 
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My guess is that he’s unhappy about something in particular… perhaps that you aren’t actually working? Maybe he feels that he’s carrying you about. I may be wrong but the fact that he keeps saying this to you suggests that, despite not really wanting to leave you, something like that is troubling him.
 
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You and your husband need to work out how to communicate effectively about how you are feeling and what the problem really is. Your relationship is in a really unhealthy place, and the way he is treating you (withdrawing affection, threatening you etc). I recommend you get marriage counseling together.
 
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jessica00200 said:
My question is, why does he keep doing this?
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Because he can.

These types of antics indicate a out-of-balance marriage. The threats can be nothing more than his feeble attempt to get you back in line, or emotional abuse, or anywhere in between.
 
What your husband is doing is emotional abuse. You need counseling—alone, NOT with your husband. You need to explain to the therapist everything you’ve described here. The way he is behaving is not acceptable and you shouldn’t be expected to tolerate it. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
 
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I think your husband learned from his parents to handle problems by “checking out” .

His father or mother probably did this, and it worked–it kept them together, as it is keeping your marriage together.

He probably did it in school–when a problem came up, he simply got quiet, walked away, and waited until the problem resolved.

He may do it at his job–when there is some kind of issue, he checks out and lets everyone else deal with it, and then he checks back in when the problem is solved. (I tend to do this at work, too–it’s a way to stay on everyone’s good side and not say something stupid that will come back to haunt me during my annual evaluation.)

He may do it in his recreational activities–not getting involved with sports or games where there are controversies, or not getting involved in discussions about various sports or game decisions.

He might do it with his health–simply walking away from any health issues and ignoring them.

At any rate, it is a learned behavior, a way of dealing with emotions and stress and problems that he is so troubled by that he can’t deal with them, can’t talk about them, can’t work them out—and so he “leaves” and lets the problems fester until they are resolved by someone else.

I think a good counselor would see this, and probably start working with him to help him face down small problems. The counselor might try this with him with a simple game in which the counselor cheats–and then work with him to help him learn how to calmly deal with the cheater; e.g., do you laugh it off since it’s just a game, or do you calmly speak up and ask that the game be repeated, or…" The counselor would help him learn healthy ways to deal with problems rather than just avoiding all games and the people who play them.
 
He’s sounds manipulative and a narcissist.

He is making you believe that your relationship isn’t stable and he can end it whenever he wants. When he doesn’t end it, he is continuing on keeping you insecure about him.

Read up on narcissism. Narcissists don’t change.
 
I agree with @Peeps, it’s probably a learned behavior. Stand up to him, he sounds like a big baby throwing a tantrum.
 
OP here. I agree with a lot of these responses. Problem is, short of just ending the marriage, how can I deal with him when he does that? Last year when it happened, I cried every day, begged him on my knees not to leave, I had severe anxiety and depression, all because I was under the assumption he was leaving in 3 months. Last week when he said the same thing, I tried to remain more calm and kind of ignored that every time he said that, and just focused on telling him I apologized for the mistake I did and let’s move forward and have a truce. He just keeps repeating the same thing. “I’ve made my decision and that’s final. I’m leaving as soon as you get a job.” Obviously he’s not gonna change, so how can I better deal with this so I don’t drive myself crazy? Thanks.
 
You can’t control him, you can only control your response. He has treated you appallingly, and he still is. You deserve so much better.

Would it be possible for you to get a job? To take his leverage away from you, and to stop you relying on him financially when he is not a reliable person.

I’m revising my earlier opinion on this thread. I don’t think you should get marriage counselling together, but I do think you should go alone to help yourself. I completely agree with previous posters; he is emotionally abusive and you have been living with that for too long. I recommend looking up the ‘grey rock’ technique too.

I’m really sorry to say I don’t see a way of dealing with this that doesn’t end your marriage. He acts this way to emotionally manipulate you. He has no problems with you being depressed and anxious because it gets him the result he wants. He’s not going to change, you say so yourself. There isn’t a way of dealing with a man like that when he won’t acknowledge his behaviour.
 
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Yes, I’m also revising my earlier post. Counseling needs to happen with just you alone with the therapist, not together with your husband. He may need counseling, but it should be by himself as well.
jessica00200 said:
Obviously he’s not gonna change, so how can I better deal with this so I don’t drive myself crazy?
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I don’t mean to sound discouraging, but living with someone like him is going to drive you crazy. It’s just the nature of the situation. The only way to truly deal with it without going crazy is to leave it. Unless he changes.

If you don’t want to leave and want to try to deal with it without going crazy, you have to approach it from the point of view that Lou stated: you cannot control his actions; you can only control how you react. Maybe find a way to make money so you are not financially dependent on him? Maybe that would ease some of your anxiety about his threats to leave until you find a job.
 
No we do not have kids together. I have a son from a previous relationship and he has 2 from a previous relationship. Which by the way, he has no relationship whatsoever with my son. They pass each other in the hallway, no hi or bye, nothing. My son is 19 now.
 
I don’t mean this to sound harsh, but do you have a job, or would you be able to support yourself and your son if he follows through with his threats? If you don’t, I would consider getting one in case he ever decides to follow through.

My guess is that he says what he says because he knows it pushes your buttons. He gets something out of seeing you suffer and is manipulating the relationship with his passive aggressive behavior.

In a calm moment after one of these “episodes” have you ever asked him why he resorts to saying this whenever you have a blow up?
 
I don’t feel very comfortable stating anything in another person’s marriage is abuse when I can’t see the whole picture or hear both sides of the situation… yes there are indicators that it could be, but it’s by no means certain… at least not to me. What is clear is that he says:
jessica00200 said:
I don’t need this
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This really could have been something like constant nagging on the OPs part… I haven’t witnessed the arguments to see what the trigger was for him to say he’s leaving… all I can really see is that the husband is unhappy about something… it’s possibly a reaction to protect himself. And his reaction is making his wife unhappy.

I’m not suggesting that he is handling the situation well at all, nor am I saying that it isn’t abusive behaviour, because I really didn’t know for certain. He can’t handle the arguing, that’s clear enough, and I can see that he doesn’t get over the argument very quickly, with him letting it fester.

I believe there’s usually two sides to any argument (I’m not including abusive relationships in that, just to be clear) and so I think we should always look at our own behaviour first… especially as that’s the only behaviour that we have any chance of changing. I’d suggest the wife looks at her own side of the argument with fresh eyes, trying to analyse whether she can see if she created any obstacles or has used unnecessary pressure or criticism towards him, whether she backed him into a corner and he is struggling to fight back. Try to look at his side of the argument again to determine whether he had a genuine point, to determine that she is being fair to him. Consider whether he is/was under any additional stress from other areas of life that may be adding to his difficulties and making these arguments too much for him to handle. I’d also suggest speaking with her priest. He will have a great understanding of people and behaviours.

At the end of the day I accept that I may be wrong… I just don’t want to say anything like ‘abuse’ about someone’s marriage in haste as it could influence how they move forward with their situation. All that can be determined from the original post imo is that he has said he’s leaving 3 times in over a year’s period. This shows unhappiness to me, and a sulky behaviour… not necessarily abuse. Again I could be wrong… and judging by the other reactions I probably am.

To the OP, I am not saying that you’re responsible for any of this behaviour as I don’t know all the ins and outs of your situation, so please don’t take that away from what I’ve written… I’m just saying that from the original post it wasn’t really clear to me.
 
I suppose there are two sides to every story, but, objectively speaking, making threats and withdrawing affection for long periods of time are abusive behaviors.

It’s difficult to see the other side of things when one spouse is on her knees crying and begging him not to leave, experiencing anxiety and depression, and he continues to withdraw affection for three months. That’s not the way you handle things. Perhaps there’s something she could do differently, but I have a hard time imagining a situation that justifies what he’s doing.
 
I hadn’t read her reply to be fair, just going off the first post and several of the replies… I’m by no means justifying anything. He’s handling it very badly… no doubt about that, I just want her to do whatever she can to resolve the situation and to assess whether it really is abuse or whether it’s just an argument gone wrong and her husband being unable to handle it or fight his corner.
 
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Exactly. It doesn’t really matter if it is labeled abuse or not. Something needs to change. This kind of dynamic cannot continue. Even if he never would actually leave her, the marriage needs to change how it works. No one should have to live with silence and lack of affection for months at a time in a marriage because one person holds a grudge.
 
I guess it may not be wise to make definitive statements about whether or not the husband’s behavior is abusive based on the limited knowledge we have. However, people in abusive relationships often don’t have a realization that the relationship they are in is abusive. And they blame themselves for the abuser’s mistreatment of them. Usually this happens because they love the person and want to see the best in them. They’ve established trust in the person and don’t think the person they love is capable of abuse. Sometimes it takes a “wake up call” or someone explicitly stating “you are being abused” for a person in such a relationship to realize that the partner they think is good, loving, and trustworthy is in fact not as good, loving or trustworthy as they thought.

I guess I’m just coming from the perspective of protecting the victim. Those of us who work in ministries involving children are trained to believe a child who says anything that indicates abuse and then act on what the child says. Of course everyone is innocent until proven guilty, and actions are taken in a way that doesn’t punish a person suspected of abuse until the abuse is proven. But we are trained to have the best interest of the person who makes a credible complaint as the first priority.

@jessica00200 can you elaborate on specifically what triggers the “I’m leaving” threats and withdrawal of affection from your husband?
 
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