Marriage Question

[Serenity412]

So my fiance proposed to me on mother’s day
However, we are not a typical Catholic couple. I was raised Catholic and shortly after my first communion my parents stopped taking me to church. When I was 23, I returned to the church and was confirmed. I attended church and even volunteered for two years. In 2014, I met my now fiance who was only baptized Catholic. We both made the decision and had premarital sex. This past March, we welcomed our daughter into this world. A few weeks ago, she was baptized and I plan on raising her in the church. My question is, if my fiance and I get married in the court, can we have out marriage convalidated in the church after?
I remember when going through RCIA for my confirmation, couples who were married outside the church had theirs convalidated. I was considering this because my fiance plans on going through RCIA to do his first communion and to receive his confirmation.
I also am considering this route because I do not want some huge expensive wedding.
Thank you.

 

[HerCrazierHalf]

Please note: Not Catholic.

I’m not sure if your plan would affect whether or not it would be a sacramental marriage or not, of that is important to you. But more importantly the normal Catholic wedding prep includes premarital counseling/training that supposedly help strengths a marriage. Some believe they helpful while others disagree, but at the very least it explains the Catholic view of marriage to each partner.

 

[Kelfa28]

You sound so much like my husband and I.

The only difference is my husband was not baptized a Catholic but we went through RCIA together.

We had our daughter weeks before we were sacramentally married. We attended Church, went through RCIA together and we did Pre-Cana classes through my pregnancy.

Then we had our baby, my husband was received into the Church at Easter Vigil, my daughter was baptized, we got married in the Church and then I was confirmed all in about a month and a half.

Why would you want to get married in the court? It wouldn’t change anything in the eyes of the Church. You wouldn’t be sacramentally married anyway and would have to either abstain or not receive the Eucharist until your convalidation.

You don’t have to have a huge expensive wedding either.
My husband and I did a very modest wedding in the Church that catered to about 70 people and we did it for less then $4,000…that included absolutely everything…the Church, the hall for the reception, the DJ, the food, flowers, my dress and the tux rentals. Plus we had an amateur photographer take loads of pictures for us.

My MIL was pushing for us to get married in the court to “legitimize” having our daughter out of wedlock.
My husband explained to her that it wouldn’t make much sense for us as a couple to do that…except give an illusion to the outside world we were married.
We wouldn’t be able to act like a married couple…so why bother?

We waited and abstained for 8 months until our wedding in the Church and it was so worth it.

 

[UbiCaritas]

You sound so much like my husband and I.

The only difference is my husband was not baptized a Catholic but we went through RCIA together.

We had our daughter weeks before we were sacramentally married. We attended Church, went through RCIA together and we did Pre-Cana classes through my pregnancy.

Then we had our baby, my husband was received into the Church at Easter Vigil, my daughter was baptized, we got married in the Church and then I was confirmed all in about a month and a half.

Why would you want to get married in the court? It wouldn’t change anything in the eyes of the Church. You wouldn’t be sacramentally married anyway and would have to either abstain or not receive the Eucharist until your convalidation.

You don’t have to have a huge expensive wedding either.
My husband and I did a very modest wedding in the Church that catered to about 70 people and we did it for less then $4,000…that included absolutely everything…the Church, the hall for the reception, the DJ, the food, flowers, my dress and the tux rentals. Plus we had an amateur photographer take loads of pictures for us.

My MIL was pushing for us to get married in the court to “legitimize” having our daughter out of wedlock.
My husband explained to her that it wouldn’t make much sense for us as a couple to do that…except give an illusion to the outside world we were married.
We wouldn’t be able to act like a married couple…so why bother?

We waited and abstained for 8 months until our wedding in the Church and it was so worth it.

Good for you for doing what you did! That must’ve been hard, and it took guts.

The only really good reason I’ve heard for getting married in a civil ceremony first is insurance. A friend of mine got pregnant before she and her fiancé were married. They had to postpone the marriage for a while–the Church, understandably, won’t marry a couple in which the bride is pregnant in order to avoid shotgun wedding annulments–but she didn’t have health insurance. They ended up marrying at the courthouse when she was about 6 months pregnant so that she and the baby could be covered by his insurance, but they continued to live separately until they were married in the Church. The deacon who married them was quite understanding about that situation since they were living apart, and fully supported that decision.

 

[Kelfa28]

Good for you for doing what you did! That must’ve been hard, and it took guts.

The only really good reason I’ve heard for getting married in a civil ceremony first is insurance. A friend of mine got pregnant before she and her fiancé were married. They had to postpone the marriage for a while–the Church, understandably, won’t marry a couple in which the bride is pregnant in order to avoid shotgun wedding annulments–but she didn’t have health insurance. They ended up marrying at the courthouse when she was about 6 months pregnant so that she and the baby could be covered by his insurance, but they continued to live separately until they were married in the Church. The deacon who married them was quite understanding about that situation since they were living apart, and fully supported that decision.

I didn’t think about that at all.

I had insurance…my daughter was covered by that and, since our marriage was so close to her birth, we just all moved right on to my husband’s plan immediately after since he had a much better plan then mine.

But…the OP already had her daughter…so she probably has some kind of insurance right now.

Also we had talked to two Priests…the one marrying us and the one from the Parish we started attending and going to RCIA through, plus the parish director and some of the other RCIA instructors.
They all agreed that we shouldn’t move away from each since I was pregnant and unemployed and my husband was the one who was supporting us all financially.

It would have caused too much stress for me to move out and find another place to live for only 8 months.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to separate a family who is trying to do right by the Church now but has to wait for logistical reasons.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

So my fiance proposed to me on mother’s day
However, we are not a typical Catholic couple. I was raised Catholic and shortly after my first communion my parents stopped taking me to church. When I was 23, I returned to the church and was confirmed. I attended church and even volunteered for two years. In 2014, I met my now fiance who was only baptized Catholic. We both made the decision and had premarital sex. This past March, we welcomed our daughter into this world. A few weeks ago, she was baptized and I plan on raising her in the church. My question is, if my fiance and I get married in the court, can we have out marriage convalidated in the church after?
I remember when going through RCIA for my confirmation, couples who were married outside the church had theirs convalidated. I was considering this because my fiance plans on going through RCIA to do his first communion and to receive his confirmation.
I also am considering this route because I do not want some huge expensive wedding.
Thank you.

As a Catholic why do you give the state the ability to validate your sacramental life? Get married in the Church. You are not the first couple to make that mistake. Don’t make another. Just get married in the Church and start living your faith!

And Congrats!

 

[Serenity412]

Whats the difference between a convalidation and marriage in the church? Arent both recognized as a sacramental marriage by the church?

 

[PaulfromIowa]

A convalidation is a Catholic wedding.

What a Catholic should not do is marry outside the Church. It would not be valid. Get married in the Church and it will be valid from the start.

 

[Magdalen2013]

Whats the difference between a convalidation and marriage in the church? Arent both recognized as a sacramental marriage by the church?

If you have never been married, you would be better off getting married in the Church, because to marry in a civil procedure, since both of you are Catholic, would require a dispensation of form from your Bishop.

 

[jaimeleglise]

We.too got married on a 4,500 budget with 73 guests. We got Boson Market to cater, 14.95 per person, the singer and organist was 200.00, our karaoke DJ 100.00. my sister did the flowers. The attendants wore nice clothing, not bridesmaid outfits. My dress was 125.00.

The.only
mandatory expense to a Catholic church wedding is the customary 200.00 offering for the priest. In our case he waived it because we are poor. He said you are not even using limos ( a waste in his opinion) so why should I charge you?

The big expense in a wedding is the reception, not the the Church. I would recommend starting.my marriage off right with a sacramental Catholic church wedding with all the blessings that come with.it.

 

[Kelfa28]

Whats the difference between a convalidation and marriage in the church? Arent both recognized as a sacramental marriage by the church?

There really isn’t a difference.

But there also isn’t a point in getting a convalidation when you haven’t gotten married in the first place.

A convalidation is designed for people who are civilly married but not sacramentally married.

When you know you need to be married in the Church in order to have a valid marriage…why get married in a court and then go about a convalidation?
You aren’t considered married by the Church so you still can’t do the things that married couples can do that single people can’t…at least you can’t do them without being in a state of mortal sin.

Why take the long road around when the most traveled road is also the shortest and fastest route to your destination.

Go get sacramentally married in the Church. It doesn’t have to break the bank to happen and you’ll have an actual wedding done the first time around.

 

[pianistclare]

As a Catholic why do you give the state the ability to validate your sacramental life? Get married in the Church. You are not the first couple to make that mistake. Don’t make another. Just get married in the Church and start living your faith!

And Congrats!

THIS^^^^.
Go speak to the priest, he’ll line everything up for you.
Congratulations.

 

[midori]

If you get married in the church, part of it involves getting a marriage license from the State. You don’t have to actually do two ceremonies or anything— but while the Church performs sacramental marriages, it won’t do it without also having a marriage license from the government.

Your county courthouse should have the information online for you about the different requirements. In my part of TX, for example, the marriage needs to take place within 90 days of getting the license, but not within 72 hours after it’s been issued. So there’s the difference between the Paperwork and the Ceremony.

 

[1ke]

My question is, if my fiance and I get married in the court, can we have out marriage convalidated in the church after?

“Can you?” Yes. No one can stop you.

“Should you?” No. You should follow the laws of the Church on marriage. Go talk to your pastor.

I was considering this because my fiance plans on going through RCIA to do his first communion and to receive his confirmation.

That is fine, but not a reason for you to marry outside the Church.

Also, once your fiancé talks to the pastor and is ready, he can begin going to confession and receiving communion. He need not wait for confirmation.

I also am considering this route because I do not want some huge expensive wedding.
Thank you.

Being married properly in the Church does not require a “huge expensive wedding”. It requires a priest or deacon and two witnesses. It can take place during Mass, after Mass, on a weekday, on a weekend.

Please go talk to your pastor before you go get married at the courthouse.

 

[1ke]

Whats the difference between a convalidation and marriage in the church? Arent both recognized as a sacramental marriage by the church?

Convalidation is getting married in the Church. It is the process to make an invalid (i.e. civil marriage) valid. You exchange consent before a priest or deacon and at least two witnesses.

You accomplish nothing by getting married in the courthouse. That marriage is not valid.

Get married in the Church and then you do not have to “make valid” your invalid courthouse wedding.

 

[1ke]

If you have never been married, you would be better off getting married in the Church, because to marry in a civil procedure, since both of you are Catholic, would require a dispensation of form from your Bishop.

Two Catholics cannot be dispensed from form.

 

[Serenity412]

I understand, thank you all for your answers. I emailed a Deacon from my church and he said once he is back from vacation he will meet with me to discuss our options.
If we decide to just do it in the church, don’t we have to do 6 months of pre marital counseling?
Also, my fiance and I are living together so aren’t we already not following the rules?

 

[MJJean]

I understand, thank you all for your answers. I emailed a Deacon from my church and he said once he is back from vacation he will meet with me to discuss our options.
If we decide to just do it in the church, don’t we have to do 6 months of pre marital counseling?
Also, my fiance and I are living together so aren’t we already not following the rules?

Yes, you’re already breaking the rules. But why not correct the situation? A civil ceremony won’t do that. It would be a legally valid marriage and a religiously invalid marriage. Meaning you and your fiance would be in a perpetual state of Mortal Sin and you wouldn’t be able to receive Eucharist and your fiance wouldn’t be able to be Confirmed or receive Eucharist until you did the required marriage prep and had a ceremony in the Church OR agreed to abstain from sex until you could arrange the convalidation.

Besides, you could ask the priest to waive the 6 month marriage preparation in favor of a few meetings with him to make sure you both understand marriage as taught by the Church or a shorter marriage prep class.

 

[Kelfa28]

I understand, thank you all for your answers. I emailed a Deacon from my church and he said once he is back from vacation he will meet with me to discuss our options.
If we decide to just do it in the church, don’t we have to do 6 months of pre marital counseling?
Also, my fiance and I are living together so aren’t we already not following the rules?

Hubby and I had to do pre-marital counseling. It depends on what you want to do for a wedding.
For us…we only had to meet a handful of times and go to the marriage encounter. We had to wait a little while because we wanted to schedule a wedding in the Church…which meant we had to wait for a good date.

You are living together and you aren’t supposed to be.

However, you also have a baby together…I doubt any decent Priest would expect you two to separate with a baby in the picture. That is just common sense.

My husband and I were in the exact same boat and none of the Priests we talked to thought it would be a good idea for us to move apart.

We were totally Chaste for the entirety of our engagement.
It was worth it.

Keep in mind…if you do a court wedding…the Church doesn’t consider you married and you can’t be intimate with each other anyway.

Call and talk to the Priest or Deacon you are doing RCIA with and explain the situation…I’m sure they will be more then happy to help you out.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I
Also, my fiance and I are living together so aren’t we already not following the rules?

Again, sadly, this is common these days. You need to speak to a priest about this and maintain abstinence. Probably because there is a child involved the Church would not ask you to separate domiciles. And I know that a period of abstaining can be hard, it probably does not have to be 6 months but it will be a period of time. But why not unite that sacrifice to the Cross and use it as a time to pledge your marriage and your family to God. It may indeed help your future marriage, and it will definitely help your faith.

Just because we fail at following God’s law and will in one aspect does not mean all the others are thrown out the window! We don’t say that because you two have not approached this correctly (until now) that you could have multiple partners or such things.
Obviously you have given into the “now” mentality but what a better time than the present to change that, to obey God and His Church as a sign of love for Him.
Trust me, in the long run you will look back with PRIDE about your marriage and family if you make the sacrifice and commitment now to get back on track.
I can tell you wish to do things right. And I can tell that it is hard to do it the right way.
It will be worth it. In just your own little family it makes a huge difference. And then, when you have a child who is grown up and wishes to do something rash, you will have the experience of reconciling and doing it the right way to help you parent them!