Marriage voacation vs parents

[blujazz25]

its been a while since I last posted something. so I have a few updates, we recently moved to a new state, my husband got a job offer that I wanted him to persue. we prayed vigilantly to ask God if this was where He wants us to be and all that we hear in prayer is to trust Him and go.
Our parents accepted our decision and my parents and our church group offered their help in moving, which we appreciated so much.
they had a miscommunication problem with my husband, regarding a dining table (which was an heirloom from his grandma, we gave to them as we wanted it to stay in the family, we cannot bring here because it was to big and heavy) and a comment my husband made about money (which my mom did not like and decided to walk out on us) my parents stayed with us in our new apartment for a few days and then decided to call her friend to pick them up so they can stay at their place until they leave. That for me was a big blow…by the time we got home, they went for a walk and I asked her why she decided that and she said that she dose not like my husband’s attitude. I translated that to my husband and we started crying.
it is already a struggle for us to be an inter racial marriage to make everyone happy, but at that moment I begged my husband to please talk to them before they leave. Which he did after swallowing a lot of pride and asked for forgiveness, during that time while he was talking to either of them in private. I kept asking my mom why she wanted to leave and I was crying so hard I felt like I wanted to throw up. she just told me that its not about me its about my husband and that I should look after myself, then she hugged me saying its not me. my dad told me that same thing while my husband is talking with my mom. by the time their ride came, they say they forgave us but it didn’t feel that way.
I feel like I got stabbed in the chest. I have struggled to make him feel at home with a different culture and at the same time to keep him in check with cultural differences where in my parents may take some things offensive. Growing up I never heard my parents tell me that they are proud of me, I only hear that from other people when they talk about me, I never heard them say sorry and ask for forgiveness when they have hurt or wronged me. I grew up struggling and up to now struggling to gain their approval. My parents leaving our apartment was a big blow for me, their reason was that they don’t want to be the reason for me and my husband to fight and that they will always be my parents.
Before all this, we were happy together and I was exceptionally happy that my parents and my husband got along so well. Now that they have said that after one small mistake, I feel that every single decision I have made in my life was wrong in their eyes…including getting married. as I wanted to be brutally honest with my husband, I told him that this situation is making me regret getting married if my family is like this. I don’t want my family to fall apart. we are still newlyweds and I know we will make more mistakes and that is why we want them to be there to guide us, there has to be a happy medium between being isolated and being meddling with everything. I feel like they have locked us out, my parents tell me that they are there for me…but what about my other half? I am completely torn…they will be leaving in two days and even if we already asked for forgiveness, we don’t want them to leave on this note…I am regretting getting married now…if I had known that this will break me and break my family, I should have stayed single…I don’t even know if I should feel that way. I told my husband that I may decide to go back home if this will be the consequence of leaving in the first place. I am struggling with my vocation…please help me and I need prayers…

 

[MJJean]

You have a lot going on right now. Adjusting to marriage, a new place to live, the move to said new place… It’s normal to be a bit emotional. Maybe even be a little over sensitive. If your parents have said they forgive you and your husband then take them at their word.

The first year of marriage is the one filled with the most adjustments. It’s the hardest. It does get better. You need to remember that you’re married now. It’s done. You can’t go back and change it. So, now is the time to really commit to the marriage. Now is the time to let go of your family of origin and cling to your husband. That is the natural course of things.

 

[ckasa]

Hi BlueJazz,

I can see where you are coming from, parents accepting our decisions is a lot to ask for at certain times. I know in my own family when I could not fully express how I felt or I did not want to rock the boat so to speak in conversation I would write a letter that really brought everything together and would then give it to them to read and reflect upon, then the next time we get together we would discuss it if need be. It helped clear the air and show how we both saw things. Like posting on an internet site or via email, the letter helps put the physical issue of addressing something out of mind and just lets you express your true feelings. Always keep things positive in it in the end, like address the issues about how you felt alone or rejected at times by them but remind them that in your heart you love them deeply and want to make them happy in life while still fulfilling your own desires and wishes.

Parents naturally seem to always stick with their children and seem to think that their spouse is never perfect enough but still acceptable. Don’t give up on your marriage simply because your parents may make it seem like they don’t approve. Parents handle things differently and simply want their children to be the best.

Focus on building up a stronger family with your husband so that you can rely upon each other and be the support each one needs. You will have many trying moments in your marriage but if you rely on each other and support the other well then you can handle anything. You got married for a reason, you said yes before family and God to love each other and help one another achieve salvation one day, and your parents opinion on that does not change that fact.

Many people do not think of it, but talk to a priest you know, or since you just moved go to some of the local churches and find the one that resonates most with you both, then invite him over for dinner if you can afford it or speak to him after mass a few weeks before finally asking if you both can come in and get some advice. Let him know you are a newly married family and that you are open to the faith.

If parents approved of every decision we made or convinced us they did, the world would be very different. My advice, write a few letters to your parents then when you have an idea of what you really want to say write one final one and send it to them then discuss it after they reflect on it or ask them to write a letter in response. In the meantime build up your relationship with your husband and seek out a priest, they see all kinds of issues with families, more than we think.

 

[UbiCaritas15]

Let your husband become your family. He will be the father of your children; this is the most important human role in your life. Ultimately, as the bible says we leave our family and cling to our spouses because our spouse is the new head of our family. Let him know you trust him. It isn’t easy to grow into a new family, especially when you feel estranged from your own, but this will allow some space for your husband to grow, and thereby your connection to him.

I am sure the interracial aspect adds to the difficulty, but remember for any person who looks at you negatively there are silent others who are thrilled that the family, the Church is truly universal. My family is half Caucasian and now half mexi/Hondura/el salvadoria/Brazilian!! It is so wonderful, for me, to know that my many nieces and nephews are gifts of love and unity.

Read Three to Get Married by Ven Fulton Sheen. This is a wonderful study on the value of your marriage and talk to a priest.

 

[blujazz25]

You have a lot going on right now. Adjusting to marriage, a new place to live, the move to said new place… It’s normal to be a bit emotional. Maybe even be a little over sensitive. If your parents have said they forgive you and your husband then take them at their word.

The first year of marriage is the one filled with the most adjustments. It’s the hardest. It does get better. You need to remember that you’re married now. It’s done. You can’t go back and change it. So, now is the time to really commit to the marriage. Now is the time to let go of your family of origin and cling to your husband. That is the natural course of things.

Thank you. I know its the natural course of things, but does the letting go have to be on a sour note? I understand that they can be a little over protective because I am the only daughter, but does it have to end with me feeling like I betrayed them too?

 

[blujazz25]

Hi BlueJazz,

I can see where you are coming from, parents accepting our decisions is a lot to ask for at certain times. I know in my own family when I could not fully express how I felt or I did not want to rock the boat so to speak in conversation I would write a letter that really brought everything together and would then give it to them to read and reflect upon, then the next time we get together we would discuss it if need be. It helped clear the air and show how we both saw things. Like posting on an internet site or via email, the letter helps put the physical issue of addressing something out of mind and just lets you express your true feelings. Always keep things positive in it in the end, like address the issues about how you felt alone or rejected at times by them but remind them that in your heart you love them deeply and want to make them happy in life while still fulfilling your own desires and wishes.

Parents naturally seem to always stick with their children and seem to think that their spouse is never perfect enough but still acceptable. Don’t give up on your marriage simply because your parents may make it seem like they don’t approve. Parents handle things differently and simply want their children to be the best.

Focus on building up a stronger family with your husband so that you can rely upon each other and be the support each one needs. You will have many trying moments in your marriage but if you rely on each other and support the other well then you can handle anything. You got married for a reason, you said yes before family and God to love each other and help one another achieve salvation one day, and your parents opinion on that does not change that fact.

Many people do not think of it, but talk to a priest you know, or since you just moved go to some of the local churches and find the one that resonates most with you both, then invite him over for dinner if you can afford it or speak to him after mass a few weeks before finally asking if you both can come in and get some advice. Let him know you are a newly married family and that you are open to the faith.

If parents approved of every decision we made or convinced us they did, the world would be very different. My advice, write a few letters to your parents then when you have an idea of what you really want to say write one final one and send it to them then discuss it after they reflect on it or ask them to write a letter in response. In the meantime build up your relationship with your husband and seek out a priest, they see all kinds of issues with families, more than we think.

Thank you. We became really close to a priest back in our home town and he was the one who flew halfway across the world just to marry us, we called him last night. He didn’t say any solid advice on the situation, he told us that God will grant the grace for us to get through this. He said that prayer is the key. We trust his advice on that, but I guess its just me who wants solid plans on things. I know we will be looking for a parish for us to belong in in this new place. I just do not want the ‘severing of the umbilical cord’ to be on a sour note. I want them to be a part of our family and not make them feel left out, we want to be able to bring our future kids to them and be able to enjoy each other’s company, especially my husband not feeling any grudges or hatred towards him. I may be a little bit emotional right now, but I just do not enjoy hurt feelings.

 

[blujazz25]

Let your husband become your family. He will be the father of your children; this is the most important human role in your life. Ultimately, as the bible says we leave our family and cling to our spouses because our spouse is the new head of our family. Let him know you trust him. It isn’t easy to grow into a new family, especially when you feel estranged from your own, but this will allow some space for your husband to grow, and thereby your connection to him.

I am sure the interracial aspect adds to the difficulty, but remember for any person who looks at you negatively there are silent others who are thrilled that the family, the Church is truly universal. My family is half Caucasian and now half mexi/Hondura/el salvadoria/Brazilian!! It is so wonderful, for me, to know that my many nieces and nephews are gifts of love and unity.

Read Three to Get Married by Ven Fulton Sheen. This is a wonderful study on the value of your marriage and talk to a priest.

Thank you. I just pray that this is will not make a big wedge in my own family.

 

[Xantippe]

blujazz25,

Your husband and your future children are your primary family now. If you hadn’t married, in the normal course of events, your parents would eventually age and die, leaving you very much alone if they were everything to you. By marrying and having a family, you are enlarging your social safety net and providing for a better old age for yourself. It’s not a sure thing, but nothing is.

Don’t ever tell your husband that you wish you hadn’t married–save that for a therapist or confessor. Work on putting a little emotional space between you and your parents, and work on showing more loyalty toward your husband. Give him the benefit of the doubt from now on in disputes or misunderstandings, just as you want him to give you the benefit of the doubt. (Obviously, sometimes he will be in the wrong, but this does not sound like one of those cases.) Anyway, maybe your parents needed a little more space or wanted to see their friend? Or maybe you seemed overwrought and they wanted to give you some space to pull yourself together?

Be friendly with your parents, but remember that your primary relationship is with your husband. A move is always hard–give yourself some time.

 

[blujazz25]

blujazz25,

Your husband and your future children are your primary family now. If you hadn’t married, in the normal course of events, your parents would eventually age and die, leaving you very much alone if they were everything to you. By marrying and having a family, you are enlarging your social safety net and providing for a better old age for yourself. It’s not a sure thing, but nothing is.

Don’t ever tell your husband that you wish you hadn’t married–save that for a therapist or confessor. Work on putting a little emotional space between you and your parents, and work on showing more loyalty toward your husband. Give him the benefit of the doubt from now on in disputes or misunderstandings, just as you want him to give you the benefit of the doubt. (Obviously, sometimes he will be in the wrong, but this does not sound like one of those cases.) Anyway, maybe your parents needed a little more space or wanted to see their friend? Or maybe you seemed overwrought and they wanted to give you some space to pull yourself together?

Be friendly with your parents, but remember that your primary relationship is with your husband. A move is always hard–give yourself some time.

they said that it is more practical to come from their friend’s house to go to the airport rather than coming from the town we are in. they can take one train from there straight to the airport compared to having to transfer trains if they came from here, they don’t want to get lost. but for my mom to decide that quick and not tell us what their plans before, that was a blow for me. as if she decided that to stay away from us and the train reason came after. I know I should have not said that to my husband, but I cannot keep these things in. I actually felt like I was going crazy…still am right now. moving here with him was already the loyalty part of it, it just feels like I have betrayed my parents too and I don’t know how to deal with that.

 

[1ke]

A man and woman leave their parents and join together. You made a vow to your husband.

Your parents are behaving badly. You are an adult and you need to grow some backbone and tell your parents you will have no more of it.

You made a vow before God. Now you want to run home to mommy and daddy? I’m sorry, that is unacceptable.

 

[1ke]

it just feels like I have betrayed my parents too and I don’t know how to deal with that.

By realizing that this is NOT true and your parents are manipulating you.

 

[blujazz25]

A man and woman leave their parents and join together. You made a vow to your husband.

Your parents are behaving badly. You are an adult and you need to grow some backbone and tell your parents you will have no more of it.

You made a vow before God. Now you want to run home to mommy and daddy? I’m sorry, that is unacceptable.

I know I need to grow a backbone. Its just that when I do, I think that they take it as a sign of disrespect which far from what we want to achieve. We appreciate them coming and helping us move and all but for me to be caught in the middle is not fair. With them saying that its not about me and they dont want to be the reason me and my husband have fights, doesnt give me any solace.

 

[UbiCaritas15]

Thank you. I just pray that this is will not make a big wedge in my own family.

Time should, hopefully, show your parents that your loyalty to them is stronger because of your loyalty to your spouse. It won’t be easy, but focus on eternity, not immediacy. . (I know, I know. Easier said than done.)

 

[blujazz25]

Time should, hopefully, show your parents that your loyalty to them is stronger because of your loyalty to your spouse. It won’t be easy, but focus on eternity, not immediacy. . (I know, I know. Easier said than done.)

my mom mentioned that when they grow old and die it will be just us, which is true but the way she said it…its more of ‘it was your choice now deal with the consequnce’-type of voice. I am trying to be loyal to my husband but for them to question that loyalty by just seeing his flaw makes me question my judgment and their judgment.

 

[blujazz25]

Dear one you said you “cannot keep these things in” but you HAVE to keep these things in. That is a Holy marriage. You cannot allow sinful things to come out of your mouth because your emotions take over, love is not an act of emotion, love is an act of the will. You need to over-ride your emotions of the moment, even though your emotions are telling you to say something awful you have to bite your tongue because you took a vow before God and are in a covenant with this man. You took a vow to honor him. Telling him that you regretted marriage is not honoring him, you cannot excuse this with “…but I felt like I was going crazy…” of course you were emotional! Tell yourself that no matter how emotional you get that you are NEVER going to say that to your husband again, ever, ever, ever, ever. Please go to confession.

You cannot let yourself “feel” as if you are in the middle because you are not in the middle. You did not stand up and make a covenant with your mom and dad. God told you to leave your parents and cleave to your husband right? You are one flesh with your husband are you not?

You know this because of your faith, however it is a test living it out, day by day. You mentioned that letting go of your parents on a sour note was very difficult for you. Maybe you want to patch things up with your parents, and that when you made up with them it wasn’t good enough for you and it still felt wrong. Someone wrote on another thread something I thought was brilliant, they wrote “The best kind of closure is not needing closure.” I think it would be best if you found a way to stop chasing after your parents emotionally. This will not be easy, but you have to do it eventually. I speak from experience, it hurts to be where you are at, I know. God bless you, hope this helps a little.

I did go to confession, pretty much cried in front of the priest. Some of his advice stuck in my head, that its not my fault…and if people just owned up to their emotions rather than just fighting, everything would have been easier. I asked for my husband’s forgiveness already too. I guess i was just being too of an idealist on wanting my husband to be on good terms with them especially when kids are in the picture, we want them to grow up as genuine people and not to have any masks or to pretend. Theres a different between being civil vs being indifferent and pretending. I guess i just have really struggled gaining their approval all my life,and i dont know how to deal with it.

 

[1ke]

I think that they take it as a sign of disrespect

And so what? you have no control over them or their perceived slights. You MUST stop basing your decisions on THEIR reactions, or really your ASSUMPTIONS about their reaction.

We appreciate them coming and helping us move and all but for me to be caught in the middle is not fair.

Then stop allowing them to put you in the middle.

With them saying that its not about me and they dont want to be the reason me and my husband have fights, doesnt give me any solace.

They keep saying that, but it is not true. They are manipulating you.

 

[Xantippe]

Start taking their statements at face value. If they say, “We don’t mind such and such,” learn to say, “Thanks, mom! That’s great!” and move on. Stop trying to read their minds.

 

[blujazz25]

God bless you! Oh my there is nothing wrong with doing the best you can in order to get along with people! Who ever said that it was “pretending” to do your best in a situation with difficult people is a liar… I used to believe that too. I used to believe that the only “genuine” relationships were ones that I could open up and be my true self, where I could express myself and say what was on my mind.

Dear one we are broken, we are wounded, we are sinful. The best thing is to RECOGNIZE our limitations and to do the best we can. I have family members that we have a very painful past. When we get together we talk about the weather, compliment one another on our clothing, and make small talk. **This is not shallow…this is beautiful! **This is beautiful because we are wounded and broken people doing the best with what we have! At least we are speaking to one another! I know if the conversations run deeper then that, there will be trouble, so I stick with lighter subjects and that is fine. This is not wearing a mask this is being honest about our limitations and our brokenness and what we are able to handle!

If you have to have lighter conversations with your parents then so-be-it! There is nothing wrong with that, yes, it will hurt but you have to accept it. I hope you have good friends that you can have deep and meaningful conversations with. Perhaps your parents are not capable of giving you that gift, you wish for that gift but they are not able to give it to you. I know that hurts. Please be assured of my prayers.

Thank you. We surely need prayers. I guess I was just hoping to have more meaningful conversations with them without feeling judged. I know my brother is somewhat able to do that with my mom but that is because he is 9 years older than me and my dad was abroad while he was growing up. When I came, I guess I have already gotten used to not seeing my dad all the time, grew up on the streets with friends, in school with friends. The only time I get the chance to talk to them is during meals, prayer and if I am in serious trouble. We admit that we have our own fault of not calling (which we have asked forgiveness for), but that is because I wanted a deep conversation with them but I do not want to be judged or be criticized.
With me being married, I want to have deep conversations with elders…I want to get pieces of wisdom from people who have been married longer, learn from them. Unfortunately, I only got them from close friends in our church ministry when we have weekly gatherings. Personality wise, I guess I am the reflective type. I am ok with light conversations but I do not linger on them as much as I see them as very superficial…very far from hearing conversations that my parents have with their friends. truth to be told, I am really going to miss them…I am owning that feeling. this is the first time I have been truly away from them since I moved here in the States. its just sad that they had to resort to fighting and getting frustrated at us this week while helping us move instead of saying that they will miss us too.

 

[blujazz25]

Start taking their statements at face value. If they say, “We don’t mind such and such,” learn to say, “Thanks, mom! That’s great!” and move on. Stop trying to read their minds.

That one I will surely need to learn. I have always known that people lie…and that certain gestures, certain facial expressions can tell you otherwise. Not trying to read their minds, just wanted people to be on the same page as me or us without any frustration or anger

 

[Xantippe]

monicad said:

“Please do all you can to change this perspective. When two people are trying their best to get along it is not superficial, it is a beautiful thing when two people are realistic in that they do not have the capability to talk about certain issues, so they deliberately choose to talk about the weather instead!”

Yes!