Married 7 months and having a family dilemma

[CB_Catholic]

I think you, your husband, your parents, and a priest need to sit down together for a little talk.

And I think you should sleep in the same bed together anyway. You need to establish some boundaries. My guess is they are testing you to see how much of a say they can have in your affairs. Take their actions as a warning of what is to come if you do not stand up for yourselves in this unreasonable request.

And get out of there ASAP, even if it means getting one or even 2 minimum wage jobs until something better opens up, as Cat said. Also, go to Catholic Charities and see if they can assist you in any way to get on your feet.

My MIL (may she RIP) tried something similar. She tried to have us turn over our paychecks so she could manage our money, and then tried to find us an apartment because she thought the one we had was too much. We stood up to it and refused, but we had to remind her often to mind her own affairs. When the children came, things got worse for a while. You have to stick together as a couple, or your marriage might be over before it is started.

God bless you.

 

[EasterJoy]

I respectfully disagree. Her parents could have either:

A) Not let them move in

B) let them stay but lay out all of the rules so they could make a decision

Whether her parents like it or not, they ARE married. Valid, in the church, under God. If she has younger siblings, you want them to think it’s ok for married couples to NOT sleep in the same bed?

If they say they need a place to stay, are the parents going to let them sleep on the street or go bankrupt? If the parents would like their own privacy back at the first possible date and yet do not want to leave their daughter and son-in-law out in the cold, this is one way to do it.

The OP is married, so the OP is an adult. If the situation does not suit her, she is free to come to the conclusion that she can live just as poor as her parents (or grandparents) had to live when they first got married. If she wants the amenities of living as a child with her parents, though, she doesn’t have the luxury to be too choosy.

 

[EasterJoy]

My suspicion is that one or both of the parents just does not quite cope yet with being in the same house while their daughter has sex. They like the idea to be far away, not something whose evidence they can hear. Sure, it is irrational, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

 

[mlz]

I would ask if they would be willing to discuss these “rules” with your priest because they don’t seem right in view of the Church’s teaching on marraige. Otherwise, it just might be wise to find more reasonable housing.

I will pray you can resolve this without hurt feelings also. (and forgiveness)

mlz

 

[Beryllos]

Hi all. I am new to the his forum and also also have been married for 7 months. My husband and I are both 21 and attend mass every week. We have no children yet and as of right now, I work and my husband was recently laid off from his job but actively seeking employment.

Here’s the dilemma. Since we are living on just one income, we asked my parents if it was ok if we moved in with them just until we get back on our feet. They, of course, took us in which we are grateful for. The problem? My parents refuse to let us sleep in the same room! I am in my old bedroom and my husband is in the guest room. I have asked them about this and they just said, “our house, our rules”.

I know there is not much I can do at this point but does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks

Someday, I hope, you and your husband will look back on this and laugh. Keep in mind that this situation is temporary. Move out as soon as you can manage it. Above all, try to bring as much love as possible into this situation. Do everything you can to make your marriage happy and full of love, in spite of the difficulties, and treat your parents with kindness and respect now and always. God bless you!

 

[Beryllos]

My suspicion is that one or both of the parents just does not quite cope yet with being in the same house while their daughter has sex. They like the idea to be far away, not something whose evidence they can hear. Sure, it is irrational, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real.

That’s probably it.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I think the best is to move out ASAP. Honestly, it rarely is smooth sailing when newly weds live with on set of parents.

And this is just a possibility. If within seven months of marriage, I had to move in with MY parents because my husband loss his job, my father would be very disappointed in his son-in-law. I can’t help but think that your parents slightly resent having to have to put a roof over their daughters head when she is the only one working.

Don’t get me wrong, I know it is a hard economy but parents don’t always see it that way

Angie

 

[nodito]

Move out. Immediately if not sooner. This is a very bad set-up for a new marriage. My most charitable thought towards your parents is that they may be hoping to motivate you two to get out on your own and not have you linger at their house.

OTH, they may be having a hard time seeing you as a married young woman, to me that’s a symptom of other boundary problems that will present soon. (If they already haven’t.)

Start looking for inexpensive housing. Every new marriage can benefit from some sound financial coursework. Check out Dave Ramsey’s book “Total Money Makeover” from your local library. If you can afford a Financial Peace University course, even better. (www.daveramsey.com for additional info.)

This x3.

 

[underacloud]

Move out NOW. This is beyond absurd.

You have one income, so find some cheap rental accommodation and get by until your husband can find work and things will get better money-wise. Until then, scrape by as best you can, but make your marriage the priority. Right now you are prioritising money over your marriage, and you need to reverse that.

There’s also the possibility that the mere threat of you moving out will force a change in the “rules”. Though given how absurd and unreasonable they are to begin with, you can’t count on this. So make the threat, with every intention of following through, and if they say no you walk out that door.

 

[thequeen]

Ouch! That has to sting. I know a lot of members here will say just to “suck it up” and that your parents are right “their house, their rules”. I agree 100% with you. You ARE married now and there is no reason for you and your husband to sleep separate.

Tell you what. Go ahead and do what you’ve been doing just to please your parents. When you get a place and they come to visit, tell them “Mom, you’ll be sleeping in here, and oh, dad, you get the guest room…our house, our rules.”

I could not have said it better.

 

[losh14]

Are there any issues between your parents and your husband? Did they give their blessing or are they doing this for you but not necessarily for him?

If there are, ask them and talk about it, not from the perspective of wanting to snuggle with your new husband, but because he is family and you’d like there to not be animosity.

Whether there are or not, respect their fair, if a bit confining, request. If you spent the night at a friend’s house out of town, and they asked you to sleep in separate rooms, you’d comply. Think of it no differently; this may simply be a way for your parents to check if you still respect them. Parents do that for some very strange reason when their kids get married. I have no idea why, but I’ve run afowl of it myself often enough to have learned that when they ask something, I do it, because they don’t ask much or often.

In the meantime, find other ways to be intimate. Enjoy the glorious summer evenings outside, sitting cozily and watching the stars and talking about dreams. Go on very cheap dates. Make out in the car. Write love letters to each other.

I’ll pray for your husband to find a job, so you don’t have to do this for too long, and for you both to have the patience and grace you need while it lasts.

 

[theCrow]

Definitely move out. But in my opinion, 21 is way too young to get married. Good luck to you both though.

 

[underacloud]

respect their fair, if a bit confining, request.

In what way is this “fair”?

(Other than in the unjustified and disrespectful stance of “their house, their rules”.)

If you spent the night at a friend’s house out of town, and they asked you to sleep in separate rooms, you’d comply.

I’d be astonished and (depending on circumstances) find alternative accommodation.

Think of it no differently

Agreed. See above. Find alternative accommodation.

 

[AussieTrish]

If your parents’ example is the correct one, maybe you need your future guests beds to be twin singles.
Perhaps you might feel uncomfortable having your parents sleeping in the same bed under your roof when they visit your future home…
You are married not cohabiting. Just as they are married.

It’s difficult to maintain the level of politeness I usually strive for when responding to threads.
I must not speak as emphatically as I feel in this case.

I knew I shouldn’t respond to this thread!

God bless your husband and you,
and God bless your parents.

 

[fpt]

Your parents have to talk to catholic true priests. Morally speaking, what is the legitimacy of their rules? The morality of their rules, that is the question? The issue of the incompatibility of their rules with the natural moral order of the marriage? The parents, are they wrong, morally speaking? Do they think and act on the sinful way, by those rules?

No taboo about this topic for solving the issues is the rule. A great talk between the parents and the couple has to be organised.

 

[fpt]

Your parents should to pay the price of the hotel or the motel in order to permit you of making love because of the effects of their particular rules??? They have to give you money for paying a conjugal bedroom, each time, for a temporary time, outside of their home???

This situation seems to be silly, very crazy and almost unnatural.

 

[FrenzyJen]

They have assigned you separate bedrooms, but have they assigned separate bathrooms?

If he wasn’t out of work I’d suggest getting pregnant just to bug your parents. This is seriously overboard ridiculousness.

 

[Jeff415]

I don’t often comment on CAF, but having been in a very similar situation to yours, I felt obligated. My wife and I got married a little over 2 years ago (we were both 21) and after I graduated from college, I had trouble finding a job. I was able to get a barely above minimum wage job while I continued my search for a career job, but it didn’t pay nearly enough to cover an apartment/expenses. So, for 5 months we lived in my old room at my parents house until I found my current career job.

I feel I must speak frankly here and I truly hope to not offend you. This situation is dangerous to your marriage. It will create a permanent wound in the relationship between your husband and your parents (and possibly yourself). You MUST take up for your husband in this situation. If my parents had imposed these “rules” on us when we lived with them, I would have done several things. 1. I would have prevented my wife from EVER finding out that they tried to do so, because she would have been devastated/heartbroken. 2. I would have found a way to live on our own immediately, even if it meant working a couple jobs or finding a whole in the wall with a bed to live. 3. I probably would have been unable to have a real relationship with my parents until they adequately explained their rejection of my marriage or showed true contrition for doing so.

I think all spouses at some time in their marriage have to stand up to their own parents for the good of their spouse. When we get married, we leave our own family behind and are cleaved to our spouse. From that point on, our decisions must be for the good of our spouse even when it conflicts with the will of our parents. My advise is to have a frank discussion with your parents about why they are asking this of you (without your husband present). My hope is that all they need is a firm and honest talk about how you both want to work hard, are intent on finding jobs, are thankful for their help, and HAVE to live out your sacramental marriage, whether under their roof or not. If the talk fails, then you have 2 options: you can disobey your parents and sleep with your husband against their wishes or you can leave their house. If you choose option 1 and they kick you out, you end up with option 2, which is what I would recommend anyway. The most important thing in this situation is to be totally on your husband’s side. Make sure that whatever happens, he knows that you are married to him and your parents will not be allowed to come between you.

I will pray for you and your marriage in this incredibly difficult time. My marriage has had difficult times as well, and I promise that yours will be all the stronger as long as you stay close to one another during the hard times.

 

[Irishmom2]

I don’t often comment on CAF, but having been in a very similar situation to yours, I felt obligated. My wife and I got married a little over 2 years ago (we were both 21) and after I graduated from college, I had trouble finding a job. I was able to get a barely above minimum wage job while I continued my search for a career job, but it didn’t pay nearly enough to cover an apartment/expenses. So, for 5 months we lived in my old room at my parents house until I found my current career job.

I feel I must speak frankly here and I truly hope to not offend you. This situation is dangerous to your marriage. It will create a permanent wound in the relationship between your husband and your parents (and possibly yourself). You MUST take up for your husband in this situation. If my parents had imposed these “rules” on us when we lived with them, I would have done several things. 1. I would have prevented my wife from EVER finding out that they tried to do so, because she would have been devastated/heartbroken. 2. I would have found a way to live on our own immediately, even if it meant working a couple jobs or finding a whole in the wall with a bed to live. 3. I probably would have been unable to have a real relationship with my parents until they adequately explained their rejection of my marriage or showed true contrition for doing so.

I think all spouses at some time in their marriage have to stand up to their own parents for the good of their spouse. When we get married, we leave our own family behind and are cleaved to our spouse. From that point on, our decisions must be for the good of our spouse even when it conflicts with the will of our parents. My advise is to have a frank discussion with your parents about why they are asking this of you (without your husband present). My hope is that all they need is a firm and honest talk about how you both want to work hard, are intent on finding jobs, are thankful for their help, and HAVE to live out your sacramental marriage, whether under their roof or not. If the talk fails, then you have 2 options: you can disobey your parents and sleep with your husband against their wishes or you can leave their house. If you choose option 1 and they kick you out, you end up with option 2, which is what I would recommend anyway. The most important thing in this situation is to be totally on your husband’s side. Make sure that whatever happens, he knows that you are married to him and your parents will not be allowed to come between you.

I will pray for you and your marriage in this incredibly difficult time. My marriage has had difficult times as well, and I promise that yours will be all the stronger as long as you stay close to one another during the hard times.

For your young age, you are very wise.

 

[Burt_Macklin]

They have assigned you separate bedrooms, but have they assigned separate bathrooms?

If he wasn’t out of work I’d suggest getting pregnant just to bug your parents. This is seriously overboard ridiculousness.

If it were me I make use of the master bedroom to engage in the marital embrace. Although your suggestion does seem more tactful.