Married 7 months and having a family dilemma

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Hi all. I am new to the his forum and also also have been married for 7 months. My husband and I are both 21 and attend mass every week. We have no children yet and as of right now, I work and my husband was recently laid off from his job but actively seeking employment.

Here’s the dilemma. Since we are living on just one income, we asked my parents if it was ok if we moved in with them just until we get back on our feet. They, of course, took us in which we are grateful for. The problem? My parents refuse to let us sleep in the same room! I am in my old bedroom and my husband is in the guest room. I have asked them about this and they just said, “our house, our rules”.

I know there is not much I can do at this point but does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks
 
Ouch! That has to sting. I know a lot of members here will say just to “suck it up” and that your parents are right “their house, their rules”. I agree 100% with you. You ARE married now and there is no reason for you and your husband to sleep separate.

Tell you what. Go ahead and do what you’ve been doing just to please your parents. When you get a place and they come to visit, tell them “Mom, you’ll be sleeping in here, and oh, dad, you get the guest room…our house, our rules.”
 
Move out. Immediately if not sooner. This is a very bad set-up for a new marriage. My most charitable thought towards your parents is that they may be hoping to motivate you two to get out on your own and not have you linger at their house.

OTH, they may be having a hard time seeing you as a married young woman, to me that’s a symptom of other boundary problems that will present soon. (If they already haven’t.)

Start looking for inexpensive housing. Every new marriage can benefit from some sound financial coursework. Check out Dave Ramsey’s book “Total Money Makeover” from your local library. If you can afford a Financial Peace University course, even better. (www.daveramsey.com for additional info.)
 
joshkt79 said:
Ouch! That has to sting. I know a lot of members here will say just to “suck it up” and that your parents are right “their house, their rules”. I agree 100% with you. You ARE married now and there is no reason for you and your husband to sleep separate.

Tell you what. Go ahead and do what you’ve been doing just to please your parents. When you get a place and they come to visit, tell them “Mom, you’ll be sleeping in here, and oh, dad, you get the guest room…our house, our rules.”
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The only thing I might be curious about is if your parents, for whatever reason, don’t see you as married. Are you and your husband Catholic? Were you married in the Church?

If you are validly married, I agree that this is a bizarre way for your parents to treat you. If your relationship with them has always been touchy, if maybe they just think you’re too young, or if this situation isn’t going to resolve itself…I’d try and find other arrangements.
 
pensmama87 said:
The only thing I might be curious about is if your parents, for whatever reason, don’t see you as married. Are you and your husband Catholic? Were you married in the Church?

If you are validly married, I agree that this is a bizarre way for your parents to treat you. If your relationship with them has always been touchy, if maybe they just think you’re too young, or if this situation isn’t going to resolve itself…I’d try and find other arrangements.
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My husband isn’t, but he is taking the steps to convert and yes, we were married in the church
 
jillianwonderfu said:
My husband isn’t, but he is taking the steps to convert and yes, we were married in the church
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OK, then I’d figure out another place to live pronto. I’m guessing they didn’t want to take you in and are now being passive aggressive rather than just coming out and saying they made a mistake.

I like NFPWife’s suggestions on finances. The sooner you get in good habits the better. 👍
 
When my wife and I first got married, her parents invited us to go camping with them. I could tell her dad wasn’t comfortable with us sleeping together asked if I wanted to sleep on the “other bed” which was away from my wife. I just said “No, I’ll sleep with my wife” to which he responded with “Oh, I figured you would want more room.”
 
*‘Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
They have to take you in.’ *
Robert Frost, The Death of the Hired Man

I think your parents are trying to ensure that you really do NEED to live with them and really will move out AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. This may be their rule for all relatives who invite themselves to stay for longer than a week, particularly those who are “actively seeking employment.” I don’t see this as passive aggressive, but practical, in this age where relatives come for a month and yet stay on for year after year. It also sets a precedent for your siblings. (They may also see it as making your NFP abstinence a lot easier.)

They are putting a roof over your heads for free at a time when *they *deserve the privacy of having you find a place of your own. Reciprocate when you have your own place, if you are so inclined. Your house, your rules.
 
jillianwonderfu said:
Hi all. I am new to the his forum and also also have been married for 7 months. My husband and I are both 21 and attend mass every week. We have no children yet and as of right now, I work and my husband was recently laid off from his job but actively seeking employment.

Here’s the dilemma. Since we are living on just one income, we asked my parents if it was ok if we moved in with them just until we get back on our feet. They, of course, took us in which we are grateful for. The problem? My parents refuse to let us sleep in the same room! I am in my old bedroom and my husband is in the guest room. I have asked them about this and they just said, “our house, our rules”.

I know there is not much I can do at this point but does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks
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Are you serious? What are their reasons? What are their “why”? Are they catholic? Do you know the causes of their strange rules? Do you discuss about that?

What are their rules: no sleep in the same bed and in the same room? Or no sexual intercourse in their home? You need to know the list of parental bans: no marital act in the private place of this home???

For me, from France, that is very weird and even more.
 
jillianwonderfu said:
Hi all. I am new to the his forum and also also have been married for 7 months. My husband and I are both 21 and attend mass every week. We have no children yet and as of right now, I work and my husband was recently laid off from his job but actively seeking employment.

Here’s the dilemma. Since we are living on just one income, we asked my parents if it was ok if we moved in with them just until we get back on our feet. They, of course, took us in which we are grateful for. The problem? My parents refuse to let us sleep in the same room! I am in my old bedroom and my husband is in the guest room. I have asked them about this and they just said, “our house, our rules”.

I know there is not much I can do at this point but does anyone have any suggestions? Thanks
Click to expand...
Normally speaking and morally speaking, according to the natural moral order, this type of parental rules, without good reason, is not very fair. Even, that is not their business. The couple is the couple, the conjugal union goes with the conjugal bed and goes with the marital act. Do they ban the practice of the marital act in their home? Do you have their formal permission of your parents, for making love in your former bedroom of teenager? Do you need this formal agreement? If yes, it is very … no word.
*
In reality, there are deep reasons for that. You need to know why*. They have to justify their position, in respecting the natural moral order. If your parents are catholic, they know their negative rights, the moral abstentions for respecting your conjugal rights.
 
EasterJoy said:
*‘Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
They have to take you in.’ *
Robert Frost, The Death of the Hired Man

I think your parents are trying to ensure that you really do NEED to live with them and really will move out AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. This may be their rule for all relatives who invite themselves to stay for longer than a week, particularly those who are “actively seeking employment.” I don’t see this as passive aggressive, but practical, in this age where relatives come for a month and yet stay on for year after year. It also sets a precedent for your siblings. (They may also see it as making your NFP abstinence a lot easier.)

They are putting a roof over your heads for free at a time when *they *deserve the privacy of having you find a place of your own. Reciprocate when you have your own place, if you are so inclined. Your house, your rules.
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I respectfully disagree. Her parents could have either:

A) Not let them move in

B) let them stay but lay out all of the rules so they could make a decision

Whether her parents like it or not, they ARE married. Valid, in the church, under God. If she has younger siblings, you want them to think it’s ok for married couples to NOT sleep in the same bed?
 
How can we be open to life if we don’t share the same bed? 😃

I don’t mean to make light of the OP’s problem, but that might be something I would ask my parents in that situation. If they answer, “well, you are hardly in a position to afford children right now”, then she will know that it isn’t about any religious beliefs but rather about something else.
 
fpt said:
Normally speaking and morally speaking, according to the natural moral order, this type of parental rules, without good reason, is not very fair. Even, that is not their business. The couple is the couple, the conjugal union goes with the conjugal bed and goes with the marital act. Do they ban the practice of the marital act in their home? Do you have **the *formal permission of your parents, for making love in your former bedroom of teenager? Do you need this formal agreement ? If yes, it is very … no word.
*
In reality, there are deep reasons for that. You need to know why. They have to justify their position, in respecting the natural moral order. If your parents are catholic, they know their negative rights, the moral abstentions for respecting your conjugal rights.
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They help a couple for having a accomodation, *not two persons. *The couple is the institution and the union for making one flesh. For your marital act between you and your spouse, you need to get to the hostel or to the motel !!! ??? The humor is useful!!! 😃 😃 :)🙂
 
Why don’t you and your husband go talk to the priest and ask his advice. Maybe, if he knows your parents, he could talk to them. This is very strange. The invited you into their home as a married couple and now are coming between you. I think there’s a sin in there somewhere.
 
This is so unbelievably bizarre!!

But why not ask your parents why this is their rule.

Or ask them that since they require that you sleep in separate rooms, which room would they rather you have intercourse in?

This is seriously ridiculous. Is there anyone else that you could move in with that would respect you enough as adults? What state are you in?? Come live with us
 
Move out.

Both you and your husband should find jobs–yes, the plural is intentional–find SEVERAL jobs if necessary to pay the expenses for a small apartment or even a room so that you can be on your own.

You’ve only been married 7 months, and already, you are back with your parents?! Your parents probably don’t see you as adults yet, and frankly, I don’t blame them.

If you are both able-bodied adults, you should both be able to work several jobs in order to live on your own, away from your parents. There is no need to live with parents. If you can’t support yourselves, then I question whether you are ready to be married (and I’m sure your parents are also questioning it).

I know adults in their 50s who are working more than one job to make ends meet. Those jobs are not high-paying jobs–I’m talking about working at McDonald’s or at a gas station convenience store. If they can do it with their middle-aged bodies, you can certainly do it too, with 20-year-old bodies and minds!
 
If you are married they have no reason to do this. The only thing I can suggest is move out asap. Suggest to your husband not to be picky about his next job, or you could land up there for some time. Also, both of you might look into getting jobs out of state. Some states have better options than others, and you might fare better being a little distant from your family(ies).

My dad had always advised us kids that if we married we should move at least several hundred miles distant from both his/her families. He said we should develop our own traditions and life style and not give in to those of our birth family or spouses family. Just his idea, but I think he was right in many ways.
 
My only observation is that your parents might be embarrassed about the idea of you and your husband being intimate in their house and simply can’t cope with it. There’s no other reason I could imagine for their strange decision.

You need to be on your own together. Being married is hard enough at the beginning without being made to spend so much time apart! If you are working and then sleeping in a different room to your husband, when do you get the time to talk privately, let alone anything else?
 
Cat said:
Move out.

Both you and your husband should find jobs–yes, the plural is intentional–find SEVERAL jobs if necessary to pay the expenses for a small apartment or even a room so that you can be on your own.

You’ve only been married 7 months, and already, you are back with your parents?! Your parents probably don’t see you as adults yet, and frankly, I don’t blame them.

If you are both able-bodied adults, you should both be able to work several jobs in order to live on your own, away from your parents. There is no need to live with parents. If you can’t support yourselves, then I question whether you are ready to be married (and I’m sure your parents are also questioning it).

I know adults in their 50s who are working more than one job to make ends meet. Those jobs are not high-paying jobs–I’m talking about working at McDonald’s or at a gas station convenience store. If they can do it with their middle-aged bodies, you can certainly do it too, with 20-year-old bodies and minds!
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I had a thought but may be way off here. I wonder if they are thinking that sure they’ll take you back into your childhood home but that is not where a married couple should be so while they are under that roof the “kids” will not exercise their marital privileges and the “kids” will take off swiftly and rejoin the adult world. I think the way they went about \ this is wrongheaded of them. I think that they should have told you upfront what they would insist on. They probably believe that when a couple marries it is up to them to take care of themselves but they don’t want you on the street either. They probably want you to make your own decision to live elsewhere.

Annie
 
This isn’t good, and I agree you need to get out ASAP.

It is actually frowned upon in the Catholic faith for husband and wife not sleeping the same bed.
 
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