Married 7 months and having a family dilemma

[Cat]

This does not have to “create a permanent wound in the relationship between your husband and your parents”. That would be a choice, and a very unfortunate choice. In the relations between in-laws, there is no better policy than to be eager to overlook slights whenever possible and to be gracious about those that must be addressed directly. If the slights are meant, it foils them. If the slights are not meant, it shows compassion for the clumsiness of them.

You are right, however, that this is a conflict that ought to be handled by the spouse who is the child of the parents, not the in-law. There is nothing wrong with treating it as a conflict, nor anything wrong with the OP telling her parents that she thinks her parents have given the OP and her husband a bait-and-switch. There is nothing wrong with coming out and asking what on earth they can mean by putting such a limitation on a couple that is married in the eyes of the Church. It ought to be done respectfully, it ought to be done with the resolution to really listen with compassion and to try to read between the lines for messages the parents are too embarrassed to voice, but there is nothing wrong with saying, “Mom. Dad. You have to be kidding. We are married…”

Personally, I’d probably live with it for the amount of time it took to find a place of our own, no matter how small and unfurnished it was. I would then kid my parents about the incident mercilessly for the rest of our lives.

My husband and I are closer to the age of the parents than to the married couple, and our age definitely influences my response.

I think that if the daughter asks her parents “what on earth can you mean by putting such a limitation on a couple that is married in the eyes of the Church,” the parents would hem and haw, and finally answer, “Your husband can’t afford to take care of just you. How on earth will he be able to afford to take care of you AND a baby?!”

And the daughter would cry and things would be much worse.

I’m serious. This is why the parents don’t want them having sex. They are afraid that the couple will get pregnant, and then they will be giving room and board to THREE people instead of two.

For some reason, the parents in this situation have an incredibly low opinion of the young husband. It could be that the parents are just narrow-minded people who would hate anyone that their daughter married. It could also be that the “employment” is The Single Most Important Requirement" that these people use to evaluate someone’s worth.

Or it could be that the young man is immature and the wise parents can see that he will never be able to adequately support their daughter. That happened to one of the young women in our family–her new beloved husband worked at Burger King, and instead of giving her his tiny paycheck to put towards family expenses, he spent it all at the video arcade down at the Mall (this happened back when video arcades were common in malls). The marriage ended after 8 months, and he went home to live with Mom and Dad and keep on being a little boy, which was what he was when he got married.

I urge the OP to be brutally honest with herself and discern the reasons that her parents do not respect her new husband. If her parents are at fault, then she and her husband need to leave immediately and distance themselves from her parents, who are toxic to their marriage.

But if her new husband is at fault…sigh…the OP will have to get together with her husband and the two of them need to come up with a strategy to save the marriage. If he is indeed unable to support her…sigh…that’s going to be a tough marriage, and having children will make it even tougher.

I know these are hard words. I’m sorry. I wish it could all be better, but there is an old proverb: You will lie in the bed that you made.

 

[Cat]

It would be interesting if the OP could be adult enough to have a conversation with the parents to find out the motive behind this seemingly unjust condition of assistance. I would love an update. But perhaps the OP’s parents have internet access limited to the bathroom of the master bedroom for fear of some ideas the OP might get to be a wife…

Imagine the sheer emasculation of the poor husband here. Laid off, has to live with the in laws and now, refusal to sleep with his own wife. The parents are doing more harm than we can even imagine.

This will not end well. And it will not be the only problem this young couple has with these parents. Wait JUST wait until grandkids are in fact introduced. Provided, the young couple can sneak behind the bleachers long enough…

Here’s my point of view (as a 57-year old woman and mother of two daughters, one who got married at age 22).

When told about the sleeping arrangements, the young man should have spoken up and said, “My wife and I will be sharing a bedroom.”

When the parents said, “Our house, our rules,” the young man should have said, in his most polite tone of voice, “I’m sorry, but we can’t accept that. We apologize for inconveniencing you, and we’ll go get our belongings and leave right now.”

And then he and his wife would pick up their suitcases/boxes/bags, and leave. If they had no car, they would walk.

And they would find a different place to live where they could live as man and wife.

If that meant camping out at a homeless “tent city,” then so be it. Other couples have done this. It’s sure a great motivation to find another job real fast!

What I’m saying is that the parents didn’t emasculate the young man. He emasculated himself by not speaking up.

I may be misjudging the young man. But as I said in an earlier post, the young woman needs to be brutally honest and figure out exactly why her parents do not respect him enough to allow him to live with her as a husband under their roof.

 

[Maine52]

It wasn’t when they got married. He just got laid off.

Better to marry than to burn.

Ok, so what about a “rainy day” fund? Savings for times such as this? I still think they could have been in a better position financially when they got married. And really? They don’t have enough self-control to abstain from sex so they have to get married so it won’t be a sin?

I am by no means saying the parents are doing the right thing. All I’m saying is the OP and her husband are not 100% free from any responsibility in this. The parents very well may be thinking that they were not ready to get married and are passively-aggressively making a statement by not allowing them to sleep in the same bed/have sex. Is that right on the parents’ part - no, it isn’t. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t something the married couple should have considered before getting married.

A better way for the parents to make a statement is to just say what they are thinking rather than being passive-aggressive.

 

[Maine52]

And I might add, living with parents is about the LAST thing any couple needs at ANY point in their marriage.

 

[EasterJoy]

My husband and I are closer to the age of the parents than to the married couple, and our age definitely influences my response.

I think that if the daughter asks her parents “what on earth can you mean by putting such a limitation on a couple that is married in the eyes of the Church,” the parents would hem and haw, and finally answer, “Your husband can’t afford to take care of just you. How on earth will he be able to afford to take care of you AND a baby?!”

And the daughter would cry and things would be much worse.

I’m serious. This is why the parents don’t want them having sex. They are afraid that the couple will get pregnant, and then they will be giving room and board to THREE people instead of two.

For some reason, the parents in this situation have an incredibly low opinion of the young husband. It could be that the parents are just narrow-minded people who would hate anyone that their daughter married. It could also be that the “employment” is The Single Most Important Requirement" that these people use to evaluate someone’s worth.

Or it could be that the young man is immature and the wise parents can see that he will never be able to adequately support their daughter. That happened to one of the young women in our family–her new beloved husband worked at Burger King, and instead of giving her his tiny paycheck to put towards family expenses, he spent it all at the video arcade down at the Mall (this happened back when video arcades were common in malls). The marriage ended after 8 months, and he went home to live with Mom and Dad and keep on being a little boy, which was what he was when he got married.

I urge the OP to be brutally honest with herself and discern the reasons that her parents do not respect her new husband. If her parents are at fault, then she and her husband need to leave immediately and distance themselves from her parents, who are toxic to their marriage.

But if her new husband is at fault…sigh…the OP will have to get together with her husband and the two of them need to come up with a strategy to save the marriage. If he is indeed unable to support her…sigh…that’s going to be a tough marriage, and having children will make it even tougher.

I know these are hard words. I’m sorry. I wish it could all be better, but there is an old proverb: You will lie in the bed that you made.

It could be they had their daughter late enough in life that their physician’s new partner who has been out of medical school for three years looks about 12 years old to them, and they’re just not coping with their child of a daughter being married to this child of a guy who doesn’t even have a job and can’t support themselves “playing house” at their place rent-free. Life’s realities can hit hard at any age.

Talk to Mom, OP. Either get your parents to give in on double occupancy or say, “Thanks, but no thanks, Mom and Dad. You’d have saved us all a lot of grief if you’d just been upfront in the first place.”

 

[LongingSoul]

For some reason, the parents in this situation have an incredibly low opinion of the young husband. It could be that the parents are just narrow-minded people who would hate anyone that their daughter married. It could also be that the “employment” is The Single Most Important Requirement" that these people use to evaluate someone’s worth.

Or it could be that the young man is immature and the wise parents can see that he will never be able to adequately support their daughter. That happened to one of the young women in our family–her new beloved husband worked at Burger King, and instead of giving her his tiny paycheck to put towards family expenses, he spent it all at the video arcade down at the Mall (this happened back when video arcades were common in malls). The marriage ended after 8 months, and he went home to live with Mom and Dad and keep on being a little boy, which was what he was when he got married.

These eventualities can be seen coming by parents. And you often think you’re going to help them by bailing them out time and again only to find you have facilitated the problem with your generosity. I’m of the parents age group too and not only experiencing the ‘joys’ of living with adult children but knowing of so many of the struggles that parents my age group are having thrust on them through young but dependent marrieds or having to be a mainstay or support for children who prefer the modern way of having children to leave in free daycare with Grandma or simply constantly be called on to bail adult children out as they live their carefree modern lives. It is constant and draining. You either find the strength to cut them free or resign yourself to it. Some people do accept a young married child into their home and support their marriage for them but the number of cases on Judge Judy where that scenario turned quickly sour. It’s hard to accommodate an unmarried 21 year old man who is at home unemployed when your daughter and yourselves go out to work. One scenario had the teenage female siblings being left home with an unemployed young husband which was very uncomfortable for those parents.

There are so many reasons why this situation is unworkable. Judge Judy comes down hard on young unemployeds. If you haven’t got a fancy job, go and get a job at the supermarket or Maccas while you are sending out your resumes daily to the jobs you really want. She seems to think that there is no excuse for healthy young people not to find any work at all. Perhaps in the desperate situation of the couple he could get two menial jobs to save for a deposit or bond.

I don’t think it is far from realistic that there are a range of unworkable scenarios that will put a wedge between this family whether the young couple is sleeping in the same bed or not.

It doesn’t sound like to me that the parents here are against the marriage for sick reasons. Surely they would have boycotted the wedding or refused to pay a cent towards it or something that would have let the daughter know of their disapproval before this? I’m more of the feeling that I have found myself in with my 22 year old where you have helped and helped and helped and then find yourself called on to help even more. They may feel that the dye is cast and they are trapped forever in this draining dynamic. Who knows. There are many scenarios possible here for this to have occurred.

 

[EasterJoy]

And I might add, living with parents is about the LAST thing any couple needs at ANY point in their marriage.

If the alternative accommodation is their car, beggars can’t be choosers. They may be in a financial situation where offering to allow them to sleep on a floor with no privacy at all would still be a great favor, as it is safe, warm, dry, and offers a bathroom with hot and cold running water.

 

[Maine52]

If the alternative accommodation is their car, beggars can’t be choosers. They may be in a financial situation where offering to allow them to sleep on a floor with no privacy at all would still be a great favor, as it is safe, warm, dry, and offers a bathroom with hot and cold running water.

I agree. I’m just saying steps should be taken to prevent such a situation, such as having a rainy day fund, savings, etc. (See my above post.) Since living with parents is the LAST thing a married couple needs, then they shouldn’t get married if they are not financially capable of putting a roof of their own over their heads. I realize they both had jobs when they married and the husband just now got laid off, but the fact that they are only 21, in conjunction with the fact that they are in a situation where they don’t have enough money put away for hard times, I’d say it may have been a good idea to wait until they were a bit older and secure in a job with savings in the bank before they got married. Especially - I might add - since Catholics are supposed to be open to children. These two young people can barely support themselves, let alone a child. I’m not saying they had to have millions in the bank before they could marry. I’m just thinking they could have been a bit more on their feet.

I can only judge from the original post. There may be more to the story that I don’t know. All I’m saying is - from what I know - they were not ready to get married in the first place. I may be right and I may be wrong, but based on the original post, that is my opinion.

It is a possibility that her parents also think they were not ready to get married due to their young age and financial situation and are making a statement by not allowing them to sleep in the same room. It is not right on the parents part to use such a cruel and passive aggressive means to make a statement. If they are thinking the two young people were not ready to get married they should just say so, instead of being passive aggressive.

I guess my bottom line is, if her parents think their daughter and son-in-law were not ready to get married, I agree with them. I do not, however, agree with the passive-aggressive way they are going about communicating their opinion.

 

[aloe]

Is it even possible you can find someplace else to live and fast? Sorry they accepted then decided to make things super awkward for all involved. This does not bode well for the years to come, I say from experience. Best to start to craft direct communication lines and boundaries as this sets up for the years to come to be much more pleasant to know where each person stands and to communicate better in general/less drama. Have you read about Boundaries (Cloud and Townsend) and/or Emotional Manipulation barnesandnoble.com/w/emotional-blackmail-susan-forward/1003179982?ean=9780060928971
?

 

[Galbin]

Until the OP returns, I am not sure what more we can do here…

I am also a bit confused because it would be possible for most ppl to rent a small place on one salary. Also, is your husband not collecting unemployment?

 

[secondop]

When you get a place and they come to visit, tell them “Mom, you’ll be sleeping in here, and oh, dad, you get the guest room…our house, our rules.”

ha! That’s good! lol !