Married and mastrabating, is this wrong?

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Flannelfunk

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Hello,

I am married, happily, and i have been mastrabating for probably over 10 years. I am 24, married 3 years been with my wife 5 in total. We just had a baby and we do not have sex often at all. Question is: Is it wrong to mastrabate? If i do not do it every 3 days or so my behavior changes and i cant not sleep. I do look at porn for stimulation. I do not look at the woman and remember them or even think about them sexually, i simple watch and… you know.
I only have eyes for my wife but need the extra stimulation to make it quick. I want to have intercourse with my wife but it just doesnt happen more then a handful of times every couple of months. She doesnt notice the time spand or help me out unless i am at the point of no return.
I am not Catholic yet, but am doing the classes and want to become one. I want to follow all of the rules, but i am having a hard time understanding this one. If i dont do this i do notice other woman, if i do do it i am still sinning? Help please and lets try to be mature and not have any condesending posts. thank you to all who are reading.
 
The Church is stubborn to the point where masturbating to get a sperm sample isn’t accepted (by those I’ve conversed with at least)- I don’t think you’re going to get much love with this.
 
Have you asked your wife how she thinks?

Would you want to tell your baby in a few years?
 
So you want to know if gaining sexual pleasure outside of your marriage is ok?

As the mommy to 5 under 10, let me tell you how your wife is feeling in one word: Overwhelmed. Sex is the last thing on her mind when she has to take care of everything herself. And, if you are masturbating, your mind is not on your family. Why should she want to have sex? Her body just did something miraculous but so tiring. She’s nursing, getting no sleep, and you are up at night masturbating. See where I’m going with this?

I hope you’ll become less selfish with your desires and place your family’s needs first!

Lovingly in Christ,
Heather
 
Why even justify this topic with replies?
What do you think, if you indulge your carnal passions,
and this intervenes between you and God;
when you could be on your knees worshipping?
 
Wow… not having much luck with the request for no condescension I see…

The fact is, yes it is wrong, but having done so for so long, yes it will be difficult to stop. For us men, this is something we’re barraged with from very early on and even by secular public opinion is being promoted as something ‘healthy’ and ‘natural’. And to be honest, it is perfectly natural, but as you look to enter the Church and draw closer to Christ Himself, you begin to realize you are not being called to the natural, but to the supernatural. Ever since the fall, men have been drawn to sin, and this sin especially, so it will be a fight. If you are up to the challenge though, it is certainly achievable. If your emotions change after a few days, fight through it, don’t let your body be in control of your soul. Realize through it all though, that you can’t overcome it alone. But turn to Christ in prayer when the desires come. And if you fall from time to time at first, don’t become discouraged, it will become easier and easier gradually.

I wish you luck and my prayers are with you.
 
Yes, masterbation is a sin against the Sixth Commandment whether you are single or married. It is intrinsically wrong-- it is a disordered use of your sexuality given to you by God for the sole purpose of union with your wife.

Looking at pornography is another sin against the Sixth Commandment, again a violation of your marriage and an injustice against the women who are enticed into this industry and used sexually.

Go to confession and give up these two disordered sexual actions.

Begin reading good, Catholic books and watchign DVD to help you overcome these things. www.dads.org is a good website for you to check out.

You need to discuss with your wife your frequency of sexual intimacy and come to a better arrangement. As a married couple, you do need to be sensitive to each other’s needs. Ever couple of months is too infrequent, every couple of days is too frequent-- find some more common ground.

You also need to grow in holiness and stop looking at sex as some sort of “needed” release for you. It is not. The culture is telling you that. You have free will and when you "mood’ changes after a few days, you need to WILL yourself to change your attitude. You do not “need” sex. You **need **to love your wife sacrificially and she needs to do the same. You **need **to grow in holiness and sanctification.
 
Just to add a little more fuel to the fire. My Urologist asked how often I was intimate with my wife. I indicated probably 2 to 3 times a month. He suggested that either I should have a release (trying to keep it clean) at least twice a week and he suggested that if I could not with my wife that I should use Masturbation. Now at my age with the commonality of prostate cancer what do people here think about that aspect?
 
sambos671 said:
Just to add a little more fuel to the fire. My Urologist asked how often I was intimate with my wife. I indicated probably 2 to 3 times a month. He suggested that either I should have a release (trying to keep it clean) at least twice a week and he suggested that if I could not with my wife that I should use Masturbation. Now at my age with the commonality of prostate cancer what do people here think about that aspect?
Click to expand...
You say, “sorry I’m Catholic and masturbation is grave matter and I would be committing a mortal sin if it I did it so I will NOT be doing it.” Masturbation is always, always, always a grave matter. No exceptions.

As far as your condition. Tell your wife that it would be better that you both were more intimate more often. Pray about it too; the Lord can do wonderful things. 🙂
 
Flannelfunk said:
Hello,

I am married, happily, and i have been mastrabating for probably over 10 years. I am 24, married 3 years been with my wife 5 in total. We just had a baby and we do not have sex often at all. Question is: Is it wrong to mastrabate? If i do not do it every 3 days or so my behavior changes and i cant not sleep. I do look at porn for stimulation. I do not look at the woman and remember them or even think about them sexually, i simple watch and… you know.
I only have eyes for my wife but need the extra stimulation to make it quick. I want to have intercourse with my wife but it just doesnt happen more then a handful of times every couple of months. She doesnt notice the time spand or help me out unless i am at the point of no return.
I am not Catholic yet, but am doing the classes and want to become one. I want to follow all of the rules, but i am having a hard time understanding this one. If i dont do this i do notice other woman, if i do do it i am still sinning? Help please and lets try to be mature and not have any condesending posts. thank you to all who are reading.
Click to expand...
Just to add to the comments that have already been posted, one thing that you must remember is that the marital embrace must be both unitive and procreative. That is a renewal of the wedding vows in which a husband and wife share their love, selflessly and are open to life. Sexual intercourse is not about a simple orgasm. It is about giving of yourself to your spouse.

Masturbation is the exact opposite of this. It is a focus on the single act of the orgasm. That momentary pleasure. That selfish act.

Does your wife know that you are participating in these activities? If so, I would hope that she is hurt by them, if not, I would suggest taking time to reflect on how you would make her feel if she did know. Objectifying women for your own pleasure is wrong, including your wife. I would recommend a few things for you in this case. I think that you need to communicate with your wife. Do you practice NFP? If not, well that is another thread for another time. I HIGHLY recommend The Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West it is a very easy read and will take you less than a day to open your eyes to the TRUE beauty of sex with your wife. Also Holy Sex by Gregory Popcak. These two books will give you a great perspective on this.

Lastly, I wanted to provide some of the teachings of the Catholic Church from the Catechism on this:

2352 By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. “Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action.” “The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose.” For here sexual pleasure is sought outside of “the sexual relationship which is demanded by the moral order and in which the total meaning of mutual self-giving and human procreation in the context of true love is achieved.”
To form an equitable judgment about the subjects’ moral responsibility and to guide pastoral action, one must take into account the affective immaturity, force of acquired habit, conditions of anxiety or other psychological or social factors that lessen, if not even reduce to a minimum, moral culpability.

2354 Pornography consists in removing real or simulated sexual acts from the intimacy of the partners, in order to display them deliberately to third parties. It offends against chastity because it perverts the conjugal act, the intimate giving of spouses to each other. It does grave injury to the dignity of its participants (actors, vendors, the public), since each one becomes an object of base pleasure and illicit profit for others. It immerses all who are involved in the illusion of a fantasy world. It is a grave offense. Civil authorities should prevent the production and distribution of pornographic materials.

2396 Among the sins gravely contrary to chastity are masturbation, fornication, pornography, and homosexual practices.
 
sambos671 said:
Just to add a little more fuel to the fire. My Urologist asked how often I was intimate with my wife. I indicated probably 2 to 3 times a month. He suggested that either I should have a release (trying to keep it clean) at least twice a week and he suggested that if I could not with my wife that I should use Masturbation. Now at my age with the commonality of prostate cancer what do people here think about that aspect?
Click to expand...
Just because your urologist stated this, that does not make it right. As it was mentioned masturbation is always, ALWAYS wrong.
 
When i first got with my fiance, he mentioned that he looked at porn and masturbated… at first i was like, “oh…” because society tells us that its okay. But then i started thinking about it, and how i felt that he was cheating on me by “getting off” to other people. We talked about this, had a few arguments, but then he saw my side. He hasn’t looked at any porn nor masterbated in the past few months. Yes, it will be hard… but maybe by looking at it from the aspect of “cheating on your wife” it will be easier for you to stop?
 
Flannelfunk said:
Hello,

I am married, happily, and i have been mastrabating for probably over 10 years. I am 24, married 3 years been with my wife 5 in total. We just had a baby and we do not have sex often at all. Question is: Is it wrong to mastrabate? If i do not do it every 3 days or so my behavior changes and i cant not sleep. I do look at porn for stimulation. I do not look at the woman and remember them or even think about them sexually, i simple watch and… you know.
I only have eyes for my wife but need the extra stimulation to make it quick. I want to have intercourse with my wife but it just doesnt happen more then a handful of times every couple of months. She doesnt notice the time spand or help me out unless i am at the point of no return.
I am not Catholic yet, but am doing the classes and want to become one. I want to follow all of the rules, but i am having a hard time understanding this one. If i dont do this i do notice other woman, if i do do it i am still sinning? Help please and lets try to be mature and not have any condesending posts. thank you to all who are reading.
Click to expand...
Yes, it is gravely sinful. To quote Our Lord: "You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘you shall not commit adultery’: but I tell you, if you so much as look at a woman with lust, you commit adultery against her.

Read the writings of Saint Augustine. He wrote something called Confessions. He talks about his struggle against this sin as a younger man.

Here is a tip. Discipline the senses, especially the mind and eyes. If you think about it all the time, you are going to irritate yourself and it will be hard to resist it. When a thought pops into your head (and that is usually how it starts) kill it. (The more you allow a thought to grow, the harder it is to get rid of it). If you see something on TV, change it.

I remember that Our Lady said in Her Fatima Message that more souls go to hell because of sexual sins more than anything else!

Here is something to remember:

Even if you should face this temptation 50 times a day, every day for the rest of your life, it is *NOTHING *compare to eternity. What I mean by this is that when you die, you will face no temptation whatsoever. I look forward to death as the permanent, eternal release from this any every worldly temptation. It only exists in this world!​

And if all else fails, you can always. . . chop it off. . . :eek: :eek:

It is just another cross to bear.
 
First thank you all for the help, you people who cant read directions about condesending, thanks for showing the love of Christ 😉

People realize the Catholic Church is the first place I have heard a concrete reason that mastrabating is wrong, i was never sure. I do know pornography is wrong, but for me they seem to come hand in hand most times. Please do not judge my ignorance of your faith and belittle me. Do you really think it is easy to come out and give my sexual detials in a completely honest way? to answer some of your questions.

About what my wife thinks: she doesnt care, she knows I need (now want) a release and she doesnt want to be apart of it.

About what my wife thinks of ferquency: she doesnt remember and always thinks we just “did it” and now after the baby, i dont want to even ask becuase of everything she has been through.

About telling my baby: I do not want my baby to know

About being selfish: I never thought of it as selfish, i thought I was doing her a favor by not bothering her.

About dads.org: I went to the site and would like to know where i could find this subject, i didnt see it.

Whats is NFP? what is the Catholic view on this?

If i am married how is mastrabating outside of marriage?

If I believed i was cheating on my wife through this act if would be easier to stop.

Once agian thank you for the help and i would like to see some more help me change for the better.
 
Flannelfunk said:
Hello,

I am married, happily, and i have been mastrabating for probably over 10 years. I am 24, married 3 years been with my wife 5 in total. We just had a baby and we do not have sex often at all. Question is: Is it wrong to mastrabate? If i do not do it every 3 days or so my behavior changes and i cant not sleep. I do look at porn for stimulation. I do not look at the woman and remember them or even think about them sexually, i simple watch and… you know.
I only have eyes for my wife but need the extra stimulation to make it quick. I want to have intercourse with my wife but it just doesnt happen more then a handful of times every couple of months. She doesnt notice the time spand or help me out unless i am at the point of no return.
I am not Catholic yet, but am doing the classes and want to become one. I want to follow all of the rules, but i am having a hard time understanding this one. If i dont do this i do notice other woman, if i do do it i am still sinning? Help please and lets try to be mature and not have any condesending posts. thank you to all who are reading.
Click to expand...
You’ve gotten a lot of comments about masterbation being a selfish act, but it sounds to me like you are able to be a better husband and father because of your masterbation. Remaining irritable and unable to sleep is not doing anyone else around you any favors. And I can’t see how it is hurting anyone. Do you think this practice interferes with any of your relationships?
 
To be honest no. If it is wrong i want to change it, but i dont see how it is outside of marriage and i also know pornography is wrong.

So i have a question then, is mutal mastrabation wrong then if it is done as a marriage couple together? Is oral sex wrong becuase you cant concieve a child that way?

Like i said i just dont know guys.
 
Flannelfunk said:
First thank you all for the help, you people who cant read directions about condesending, thanks for showing the love of Christ 😉

People realize the Catholic Church is the first place I have heard a concrete reason that mastrabating is wrong, i was never sure. I do know pornography is wrong, but for me they seem to come hand in hand most times. Please do not judge my ignorance of your faith and belittle me. Do you really think it is easy to come out and give my sexual detials in a completely honest way? to answer some of your questions.
Click to expand...
No, it is not easy to come out about something like this. True it is easier to admit it to people thatyou will never see, but to that point, it is still not “easy” to admit this and I applaud you for your courage. You are on a Catholic website for a reason. You have begun the search and that is important. It is the first step.

As someone that has since put the problem of masturbation and pornography in my distant path, I can tell you that it is not easy and while you are involved with it, it does not seem wrong. Not until you take a giant step back and look at what you are truly doing and after you have a full understanding of God’ intention for our sexuality. That is why I recommended the books above. These both give a good insight into this as they build off of Pope John Paul II’s Theology of the Body. Simply amazing, eye-opening information. It is not easy, but it can be overcome.

Right now you cannot see the damage that these activities can be causing you and your wife. Diving into the teachings of the Church will shed some light on this, but when you realize that the fullness of the sexual experience that is shared with a husband and wife it makes thing clear.
Flannelfunk said:
About what my wife thinks: she doesnt care, she knows I need (now want) a release and she doesnt want to be apart of it.
Click to expand...
I would hope that she would care as you are taking something from her that you should not be as per the teachings of the Church. Sex is meant to be a giving experience, not a selfish one. That orgasm that you experience is to be shared with your wife.
Flannelfunk said:
About what my wife thinks of ferquency: she doesnt remember and always thinks we just “did it” and now after the baby, i dont want to even ask becuase of everything she has been through.
Click to expand...
This is something that will come with the communication aspect of NFP - Natural Family Planning. It will not be about you trying to “inconvenience” your wife, it will be about what the act was created for, about sharing your love of one another in the most intimate moment.
Flannelfunk said:
About telling my baby: I do not want my baby to know

About being selfish: I never thought of it as selfish, i thought I was doing her a favor by not bothering her.
Click to expand...
Sexual intercourse between a husband and a wife should not be something that is a “bother” to either person. It is so much more than just peg “P” going into slot “V.” Again I go back to what sex is created for and the teachings of the Church:

Sex is unitive, uniting a husband and wife in a renewal of their wedding vows, coming together in the most intimate way to show their “oneness” with each other.

Sex is procreative, open to life each and every time.

When following these 2 aspects, sex is becomes more than just the physical act, it is about sharing and about giving. About being selfless. Masturbation is the exact opposite, it is about you, all about you. Each and every time that a husband ejaculates, he should be inside of his wife’s vagina. Unitive and Procreative.
Flannelfunk said:
About dads.org: I went to the site and would like to know where i could find this subject, i didnt see it.
Click to expand...
Check out:

www.settingcaptivesfree.com
www.chastity.com <–Jason Evert gives a lot of great insight in his talks
Flannelfunk said:
Whats is NFP? what is the Catholic view on this?
Click to expand...
NFP is natural family planning. There are several methods by which a husband and wife can monitor the wife’s signs of fertility (naturally) to know when to conceive a child or even when to avoid a pregnancy. Catholic teaching is that any form of artificial birth control is a mortal sin.

More information can be found at:

www.nfpandmore.org
www.ccli.org
www.natural-family-planning.info
Flannelfunk said:
If i am married how is mastrabating outside of marriage?

If I believed i was cheating on my wife through this act if would be easier to stop.
Click to expand...
Oh but if you gain the understanding of what the marital embrace truly is, you will see masturbation as “cheating on your wife.” You are taking something that is meant for her and her alone and using it for your own selfish pleasure. You orgasm is meant for her, to be shared in that one holy, intimate embrace. The martial embrace is calling for us to give of ourselves totally, faithfully, fruitfully, and freely. To give all of yourself, holding nothing back.

I cannot recommend enough the aforementioned book by Christopher West. It will open your eyes. Trust me, I know, it did for me.
Flannelfunk said:
Once agian thank you for the help and i would like to see some more help me change for the better.
Click to expand...
This can be a difficult struggle. I offer you my prayers and support for both you and your wife. Congratulations on the baby. Congratulations on your walk to the Catholic faith. PM me if there is anything that I can personally do to help you out.
 
Leela said:
You’ve gotten a lot of comments about masterbation being a selfish act, but it sounds to me like you are able to be a better husband and father because of your masterbation. Remaining irritable and unable to sleep is not doing anyone else around you any favors. And I can’t see how it is hurting anyone. Do you think this practice interferes with any of your relationships?
Click to expand...
The OP has come here in search of the Catholic teachings on this subject and it has been clearly shown that masturbation is a mortal sin. Advice like this is contrary to the teachings of the Church and holds no merit.

And it is hurting others. Directly and indirectly, read the hunderds if not thousands of posts on this website that clearly show how masturbation and pornography have destroyed their marriages.
 
Flannelfunk said:
To be honest no. If it is wrong i want to change it, but i dont see how it is outside of marriage and i also know pornography is wrong.

So i have a question then, is mutal mastrabation wrong then if it is done as a marriage couple together? Is oral sex wrong becuase you cant concieve a child that way?

Like i said i just dont know guys.
Click to expand...
Oral sex is wrong. Oral stimulation and/or mutual masturbation leading up to intercourse is not. As long as both the husband and wife are not degraded in any way, oral stimulation, as foreplay, is not wrong. Just remember that each act of sexual intercouse must end with the husband’s ejaculation inside of his wife’s vagina, with no artificial birth control.

If the wife does not reach her climax before or during the marital embrace the husband can, after his climax, bring her to climax as this has been taught to be the loving (giving) thing to do.
 
Mirror_Mirror said:
The OP has come here in search of the Catholic teachings on this subject and it has been clearly shown that masturbation is a mortal sin. Advice like this is contrary to the teachings of the Church and holds no merit.

And it is hurting others. Directly and indirectly, read the hunderds if not thousands of posts on this website that clearly show how masturbation and pornography have destroyed their marriages.
Click to expand...
Perhaps you could explain how his masterbation is hurting his marriage. The only argument I have heard so far is that he is being selfish. I was addressing that argument. I don’t think he is being selfish at all.
 
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