Married Couples- Quickies to Avoid Sin?

[Rau]

Well then the solution is simple. Do it with love.

Yes, which might first involve thinking about and resolving the actual issue (be it real or imagined).

 

[john1513]

This is not about you. If he was using cocaine, you would not stress out about how cocaine was better than you. Porn is like cocaine. It rewires the brain, and causes the daily need for a dopamine fix, which can only be the porn. Unless you want your husband to become addicted to YOU (a very bad idea), it will be helpful not to see this as a competition.

I think healing will come in your relationship as you both realize that this is a choice between life and death, for your husband, and you both fight on the same team for his survival. You’re not his mother, there to reward or penalize his behavior. You’re his wife, and you’re there to hold him up and maintain him as he rejects unchastity.

Yes. Most people here are not addressing the dopamine aspect and ignoring the actual problem: lust and potentially porn and masturbation. Quickies are not the problem but they are also not the solution. Please watch The Great Porn Experiment at www.yourbrainonporn.com to better understand the male brain, how it attaches to lust, and how to fix it. As JPII said, husbands can lust after their wives. I’ve done it. It makes no to sense to try and appease a disordered appetite (assuming his is).

Sex with your husband is a good thing and can bring you closer together along with good communication and healthy activities. You won’t be able to fix problems that he has by having sex. He will have to work through these issues with Christ. Ask him his thoughts on the above video and I recommend he looks around that site, get some books and CDs on chastity and Theology if the Body, and also go to www.theporneffect.com if he needs/wants to.

Don’t be afraid, you and your husband are not alone in the battle for healthy sexuality.

 

[AtDawn]

The implication is that the “quickie” is absent love. That could only be a reflection on the broader relationship I think, not the fact of the compressed duration of the act.

Oh. I would have thought that the implication was lack of sexual exaltation in the woman. “Doing it for him”, rather than actually wanting to do it herself. If the woman is equally easily “ignited” as the man this is of course not a problem.

 

[Rau]

Oh. I would have thought that the implication was lack of sexual exaltation in the woman. “Doing it for him”, rather than actually wanting to do it herself. If the woman is equally easily “ignited” as the man this is of course not a problem.

Possibly. However, unequal sex drives often lead to one party sometimes engaging for the benefit principaly of the other.

 

[AtDawn]

However, unequal sex drives often lead to one party sometimes engaging for the benefit principaly of the other.

Very common indeed, not only in couples who are Christian believers. One implication of monogamy is that you are more or less responsible for taking care of your partner’s sexual wants/needs. That is the same even among secularized, agnostics, or atheists. Most of them will subscribe to the norm of monogamy, too (although in reality many people practise what should be called “serial monogamy” i.e. only one partner at the time, it lasts as long as it lasts, then you look for another). Asking the partner to simply masturbate if you are not willing is, in the long run, seldom taken kindly.

There are healthy ways to engage in sex mainly for the benefit of your partner, and ways that actually hurt the “giver’s” relationship to her own sexuality. (it could also be the male, of course, but most often the female) The realities of female anatomy and female sexual function - how arousal prepares the sensitive parts for intercourse - is one part of these limits. Then of course the nature of and quality of the relationship has huge impact on how much it is possible to give. It affects everything, including your own body’s reactions to your partner’s desire.

One has to feel how much one wants to, and can, give. Overstepping those boundaries might seem unselfish and hence good but is, in the long run, not wise.

Then of course there is also the issue of the woman’s pleasure. Most women need more time than most men, so the average “quickie” might be more satisfying for the man. That’s where “love” comes in, possibly? if “love” here is a somewhat of a code word for not acting selfishly in bed. The original poster appeared slightly worried that if she gave her husband “quickies”, he wouldn’t be interested enough in giving her what she needs.

He is so tired already that I wonder if he would have any motivation to stay up and have proper lovemaking sessions with me at night if I was just a quick fix in the morning.

I read this as a worry of giving to someone who might not deserve it, since he wouldn’t be equally intererested in giving back. Whether that is true or not about your husband, VeiledVeronica, nobody here knows. Maybe you don’t either. Bringing the subject up could possibly be a start. “Hey, you know, I could do something for you sometimes in the mornings, if you think it would be a help, but if so I am worried that maybe…” .

 

[VeiledVeronica]

AtDawn- I’m not so much worried about my sexual fulfillment as I am about missing his company. His is extremely fatigued a night; we barely sit down after getting the kids in bed before he starts nodding off… unless of course it has been 3 or 4 days since we made love. So, sex seems to be one of the only things he can keep himself awake for at the end of the day, and sometimes not even that. If he has already had a quickie with me in the morning that week, I’m worried I might not be able to spend much waking time with him at night at all. I know- he needs a new job, but until our situation improves I am starved for his time and affection, and he wakes up in the morning only to realize that he slept through our only time to be together and gets pretty mad at himself. I can’t cure his temptations, but I do think that he is more likely to give in to them when he is tired and stressed and we’ve missed our chances for emotional and physical intimacy.

john1513- I don’t know that he qualifies as an addict. I don’ know if every man who occasionally gives in to looking at swimsuit pics should be classified that way. Addiction seems to be a much more severe scenario. Of course, I can’t really know the extent of the past behavior, and I can’t be certain that he’s not hiding anything now, but he does seem to be making a valiant effort. I’ll cross that road if/when it would come to that.

To the others who have questioned, by “quickie” I only mean a quick round of sex that would be mostly for his enjoyment- nothing unnatural or sterile.

If I had known the extent of man’s tendency to lust even when in a happy marriage, I might have considered sitting at the Master’s feet like Mary (religious vocation) instead of occupying myself with worldly cares (marriage). Jesus might be a demanding spouse, but He’s completely faithful. I do love my husband, I’m just frustrated.

 

[ynotzap]

V. Veronica : It appears your spiritual life is good, and your motives for your husband are excellent, his salvation, and a happy marriage. You are right in giving him his biological needs, and trying to minimize his sexual tendencies, in order to lessen the temptations to find release in some sinful way. But you mus know that these tendencies are a result of fallen nature, the mind’s inability to control one’s sexual tendencies outside the bonds of marriage. If he doesn’t live in the state of grace he is handicapped spiritually. There is only one way to get this grace, and by the way the lack of grace will affect other areas of his personality, he must have a real encounter with Christ that will be the result of turning away from sin, and turning to Jesus Christ, God-man. Many are baptized but not converted. Many people talk around the problem but never address the core of the problem. they either don’t believe what is said, or they choose not to believe. They are captivated by their life style. Many times people have to hit bottom before they are humble enough to reach out to Jesus for help. It is painful to witness this, but it is most effective in getting results. We can’t spare one from making mistakes, but we must for the sake of love pick up the pieces, this is also true with children. Husbands and wives are no exceptions. Do what you can to lead him to Christ, and all you can do is pray and point the way, and just lead a Christian life yourself. Things ultimately work for good for those that love God

 

[ynotzap]

Another point is that married couples come together in Holy Matrimony in order to help each other to get to Heaven, and to also help their children, the one catch is that we can not convert anyone, not our husbands, wives, and children. this occasion is God’s alone. there is only one Savior, and rightly so. By co-operating with grace, we are instrumental in perfecting each other is love, love of God, and of each other. In marriage it is called conjugal love, a love that is the fruit of living together through good times and bad times, of laughing together, and even crying together, of hurting, and of forgiving, and believe me there is no lack of opportunity. It takes the grace of God, human nature can’t do it alone as is evident in those that try. Ask God to lift your spirits, you are one pretty solid ground, and like St.Monica, pray, pray and pray. There would be no purpose in hope, if we couldn’t attain what we hoped for in Christ, He desires it too, but He gave us free will, and He alone knows how to move it, and still keep it free.

 

[whm]

If I had known the extent of man’s tendency to lust even when in a happy marriage, I might have considered sitting at the Master’s feet like Mary (religious vocation) instead of occupying myself with worldly cares (marriage). Jesus might be a demanding spouse, but He’s completely faithful. I do love my husband, I’m just frustrated.

Men’s tendency to lust as you put it is not how we where designed. Men’s desires for intimacy are good when not corrupted. We live in a time where men are specifically targeted and bombarded with lustful temptations. Radio, tv, movies, magazines, the internet are all filled with temptation designed to exploit both men and women, but for the most part targeted at men at the expense of women. In addition, the wide acceptance of contraception and the idea that sex can be separated from procreation creates a mindset that allows for lust to creep in.

Here is my advice on what you can do to help combat/prevent lustful sins in your family.

1. Don’t support tv shows or movies that glorify sexual immorality. That rules out a lot of shows.
2. Don’t use or in anyway validate the use of contraception. Be vocal with your family about this.
3. Participate in religious activities together, such as: Share or alternate on a Holy Hour of Adorations. Schedule prayer time together. Attend a daily mass once or more per week. Go to confession once a month.

Marriage takes place in the world but it is not a worldly care. It is a sacrament, in which the spouses become united as one. It takes three to get married, Jesus is a part of a sacramental marriage. Marriage can be a holy vocation. Without marriage we would not have any Saints! There are many Saints who were married. St. Monica and St. Gianna come readily to mind. Married people have the same duty to be as holy as any religious person, although it takes a slightly different form. So don’t be discouraged with your choice of marriage!

 

[ynotzap]

Understanding human nature and it’s afflictions will help to ease the frustration. Also to understand that your husband can’t give what he doesn’t possess, and that is the fruit of grace. Your demands might frustrate him, and frustrate you as well. I had to learn this the hard way raising three verile sons and a lot of frustration on every one including my wife. Believe me I know it was God who had to enlighten me. Once I understood, I could make the right adjustments and even find peace. Even in the religious life you will have the same type of challenge, it won’t necessarily be sex but adjusting to another person’s personality and faults, and weaknesses as well as your own. Each vocation has its challenges, and God knows which ones we are suited for. I tried them all and it was marriage for me. I didn’t want it at first, but that’s where God led me, and I have a very loving wife, daughter, the boys still have a lot to learn, but they are good kids. The older they get, the better they get. Praise God! I pray this helps you, and gives you some peace and resolve.

 

[LovemyfamilyFL]

My husband too has a very stressful job and we have 9 kids so finding the time is difficult. We work in time together in late mornings. He’ll come home around 10 am when our little ones who aren’t in school go down for a nap. He only works about 10 minutes from home. I am very mindful that our sex life is important to keep up so I make myself available to him for quickies even if I’m not really feeling romantic. He’ll text me when he’s coming and i will quick jump in the shower and get ready. He’s always very happy for this time together and he says it gives him a break from work. He’s usually back at work in an hour or so. We do this at least three times per week.
I am very willing to be with him at night, but sometimes we fall asleep with the kids.
One day last week he surprised me around 2 pm too and we had some great intimate time together in the shower. The little ones were at a play date. We really got to relax so, fingers crossed, I’ll be pregnant again.
So I say find whatever time you can and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

 

[Rau]

My husband too has a very stressful job and we have 9 kids so finding the time is difficult. We work in time together in late mornings. He’ll come home around 10 am when our little ones who aren’t in school go down for a nap. He only works about 10 minutes from home. I am very mindful that our sex life is important to keep up so I make myself available to him for quickies even if I’m not really feeling romantic. He’ll text me when he’s coming and i will quick jump in the shower and get ready. He’s always very happy for this time together and he says it gives him a break from work. He’s usually back at work in an hour or so. We do this at least three times per week.
I am very willing to be with him at night, but sometimes we fall asleep with the kids.
One day last week he surprised me around 2 pm too and we had some great intimate time together in the shower. The little ones were at a play date. We really got to relax so, fingers crossed, I’ll be pregnant again.
So I say find whatever time you can and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy.

How trusting of you to leave such little ones to attend a play date without you.

 

[LovemyfamilyFL]

Yes, I do have friends I trust with my littlest ones. We take turns.
I’m very glad I was home and alone for my husband. I’m blessed to have a loving man who I can make love with in a very fulfilling way. He’d just left me 3 hours earlier and apparently he wanted more. I was very glad to give myself to him.