Married man, single female friend

[chaz0426]

I’m kind of in the opposite situation. I’m a married woman working w/ pretty much all guys. Some of them are single & others are married. There is one that I jokingly (to my husband & to him) refer to as my ‘work husband’. We share workspace together & some days we are the only people we see at work all day. Recently I had my 28th birthday. I work 35 miles from home & from hubby’s work, so we knew I wasn’t going to get taken out. Not a big deal. However, my single guy co-worker took me out to Applebee’s for lunch. I didn’t mention it before-hand to my hubby b/c I didn’t know it was going to happen. This co-worker has been out to our house a couple times & regularly talks to my husband about business (hubby is a mechanic & he fixes this guy’s car). They have a joking relationship w/ one another & even acknowledge the close work relationship we have.

However, I had asked his opinion on me doing things like this w/ my co-workers (either as the only girl in a group of guys, or one-on-one). He said he trusts me completely & to go ahead and go to lunch or even after-work get-togethers, except w/ one guy that has a reputation of being a ‘hunter’ and while not completely perverted, he crowds the line. I brought it up though b/c I feel a bit odd going out even to lunch w/ a man that’s not my husband or a family member. I try not to do so much one-on-one out & about socializing w/ any of my co-workers (partly b/c I’m not all that social & partly b/c I don’t want the hassle).

It can be a delicate situation, but if the lines of communication are open and activities are well-known by ALL involved, it can easily be ok.

Agreed, it lessons the situation if the spouse is friends and knows the single man or women to a good extent because there is a triangle of trust going on. That’s what I would think.

 

[chaz0426]

From a guys perspective… I don’t know the man involved so I shouldn’t question his intentions, but I will. If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it’s a duck. At the very least this man is guilty of poor judgment. If this woman is truly a friend then she won’t mind if this man pays the respect due his marriage and invites his wife to join them. If the wife is not welcome, there’s a problem. If the wife can’t attend then the dinner should be postponed until she can or canceled. For the sake of the marriage, I hope poor judgment and is all this man is guilty of. The wife is right to question this arrangement.

If the spouse has a history of any kind then it’s almost a given bad situation. It’s like letting an alcoholic with a bad history of DUI’s behind the wheel after a party. Not a smart thing and I’d be all over that if I were a spouse that was concerned about the marriage.

 

[whatevergirl]

Most men (not all) are attracted to “attractive” young women by nature. Men are visually oriented in attraction while women tend to be attracted more towards personality aspects (confidence, financially secure, able to raise family, ect.) Not all but that is the general trend between the two genders. There are exceptions all the time of course.

*My husband is 10 yrs older than me, maybe you’re right. lol The point I’m trying to make though, is that many husbands still find their wives beautiful…and always have. I hear you, though. *

That was a scientific observation (and my own) now if the friend is indeed attractive then it increases the odds of something bad happening = higher risk = not a good idea = red flag ect. If she is young and single (multiply the above factor by 2) which nearly doubles the chance. The spouse would have every right to be concerned. Of course it’s a matter of trust but unless a man or women were sinless wouldn’t such an odd situation be of concern to any spouse man or women? I know if my future wife did that I’d certainly not be ok with it and would be highly suspicious also because I have been let down by two people I put enormous trust in before.

All in all, I’ve learned in such situations is just to trust your gut. If something is not right inside then most likely something ain’t right. It’s never let me down.

*I agree with you there! I just don’t think this is a good idea in general. (the original post/question)
*

 

[Bluegoat]

I would have no problem with this situation. I have no desire to stop my husband from having friends, and I am not concerned if they are male or female or married or not. I am sure they are all people who he finds enjoyment spending time with, or who enrich his life in some way. Friendship is not the same as marriage, and has an important place of it’s own. If I thought he might be having an affair, or want to, that would be different - though I doubt he’d tell me about his plans in that case.

I also wouldn’t mind if he got together with his friends without me sometimes. I like to get together with my friends without my husband. If there was neglect of the spouse going on that would be different, but otherwise, how is it worse for him to have dinner with a male friend alone than a female friend alone?

I also wouldn’t care about the gift - my husband’s family always gives gifts in such situations, and that’s just what some people do.

This reminds me a bit of the film Lost in Translation. We all have relationships that could become inappropriate - but it impoverishes us if we use it as a reason to have no relationships at all.

 

[Brando]

I’m currently unmarried, although I’ll be getting married in about a month, so I don’t have the same experiences to fall back on, but I can say this:

I have attractive female friends, and would have no problem meeting them on their birthday for dinner. My fiancee would have no problem with it, as it has happened before. Even a gift isn’t entirely inappropriate, depending on what type of gift. Are we talking a $200 necklace or a gift card to a store? There are too many variables to immediately comment on, and the fact remains that this is someone who has apparently been a friend for a considerable period of time. Not just some hot young thing he just met and is taking on a date.

If the woman in question has a problem with it, she should discuss it with her husband and share her feelings. Only the two of them know the situation or could deal with it appropriately. Our relationships are not the same as their relationship, and there’s no clear-cut answer for how anyone should behave in this situation.