Married men with SSA - Should we be publicly open about it?

[Prodigal_Son]

Couldnt you write the book under an assumed name? Quite common in the publishing world

Have you ever approached a reputable magazine about having an article published anonymously? Hint: they’re not receptive, at all. And with good reason. If pseudo-me were to say “I’m living a happy married life” anonymously, what reason does the reader have to believe me? There’s no accountability.

 

[Fairwinds]

Have you ever approached a reputable magazine about having an article published anonymously? Hint: they’re not receptive, at all. And with good reason. If pseudo-me were to say “I’m living a happy married life” anonymously, what reason does the reader have to believe me? There’s no accountability.

use a nom de plume – John Doe-Smith, or Ivan Gottanalias. that’s how the author appears to the reader, but you’re not anonymous to the publisher.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Whoa, now you’ve gone into another realm entirely! From just sharing with people one-on-one, in a confidential setting, to writing a book about your SSA struggles…Now you are talking about influencing more than just your children, but their children, and the next generation, on down. A book is a permanent record, and something like this, that God may deliver you from, may not be something you want to set down in writing forever.

I know you said your wife knows about all of this. I am glad that you are not hiding anything from her. But make sure she agrees with anything you tell others. And I would still advise NOT to do it, because your children may not agree (if they are young, they have no say) with your choice to affect their lives.

Gee, well, I hope you can tell by reading this thread that I am not taking this whole thing lightly! But I’m not writing it for myself. And I’m just not convinced that there’s anything wrong with the temptations that would make my children so very badly effected – although I am thinking very deeply about it.

Do you really think it’s so dark and awful that a man would merely *want *to be sexually intimate with another man? Is it really that much worse than, say, a man and woman wanting to use each other’s bodies sexually outside of marriage? But men aren’t ashamed to admit to wanting that. (Yes, there is a time and a place. But I’m not talking about putting it on a billboard.)

Oh, and trust me, if my wife weren’t on board, I wouldn’t do anything at all. I’m not stupid.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

use a nom de plume – John Doe-Smith, or Ivan Gottanalias. that’s how the author appears to the reader, but you’re not anonymous to the publisher.

I’ve asked this question to First Things and another magazine (I don’t recall which). Not a chance, they say.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I suggest that most women would be greatly offended by their husbands admitting they were attracted to other men.

Then, if I can be excused for saying it, most women are prudes.

Oh, and for the record, she would have been offended if I had told her *after *we were married. But I put it all on the table before we were married. So maybe you’re misunderstanding the situation?

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Gee, well, I hope you can tell by reading this thread that I am not taking this whole thing lightly! But I’m not writing it for myself. And I’m just not convinced that there’s anything wrong with the temptations that would make my children so very badly effected – although I am thinking very deeply about it.

Do you really think it’s so dark and awful that a man would merely *want *to be sexually intimate with another man? Is it really that much worse than, say, a man and woman wanting to use each other’s bodies sexually outside of marriage? But men aren’t ashamed to admit to wanting that. (Yes, there is a time and a place. But I’m not talking about putting it on a billboard.)

Oh, and trust me, if my wife weren’t on board, I wouldn’t do anything at all. I’m not stupid.

But you ARE talking about a billboard of sorts!! You’re talking about writing a book, which is actually a lot more permanent than a bulletin board. But I can see that those of us with concerns are making no impact on your thinking about this.

If your wife is on-board with this whole thing, then I recommend counseling for both of you.

 

[fix]

Go to confession and the Eucharist. That’s living in the Light.
People generally have a hard enough time with going to a priest in a private confessional with his lips sealed. Thank God the Church has offered us this sacrament, in this way.
In this age, everyone is talking to everyone everywhere, on the go. Why do we need private matters to be public? We’ve lost our modesty.

Amen

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Then, if I can be excused for saying it, most women are prudes.

Oh, and for the record, she would have been offended if I had told her *after *we were married. But I put it all on the table before we were married. So maybe you’re misunderstanding the situation?

You really just called women prudes for not wanting their husbands to come out as being SSA? Really?

 

[Fairwinds]

Then, if I can be excused for saying it, most women are prudes.

gotta disagree there.

Oh, and for the record, she would have been offended if I had told her *after *we were married. But I put it all on the table before we were married. So maybe you’re misunderstanding the situation?

yes sir, I did.

 

[thewanderer]

Then, if I can be excused for saying it, most women are prudes.

Oh, and for the record, she would have been offended if I had told her *after *we were married. But I put it all on the table before we were married. So maybe you’re misunderstanding the situation?

Well, I say it depends. Its one thing to be told the person you are dating is bisexual, its another to be told they aren’t attracted to your gender at all. So perhaps that is what Fairwinds was thinking about? It would be pretty shocking to be dating someone who finally came out and told you they are not attracted to your gender.

 

[Fairwinds]

Well, I say it depends. Its one thing to be told the person you are dating is bisexual, its another to be told they aren’t attracted to your gender at all. So perhaps that is what Fairwinds was thinking about? It would be pretty shocking to be dating someone who finally came out and told you they are not attracted to your gender.

he cleared it up, I’d drawn a wrong assumption.

 

[thewanderer]

he cleared it up, I’d drawn a wrong assumption.

Ok, it was just another thought.

 

[revert_jen]

Do you really think it’s so dark and awful that a man would merely *want *to be sexually intimate with another man? Is it really that much worse than, say, a man and woman wanting to use each other’s bodies sexually outside of marriage? But men aren’t ashamed to admit to wanting that. (Yes, there is a time and a place. But I’m not talking about putting it on a billboard.)

Well, since you ask, yes it is worse. Not “so dark and awful” but worse. But that is not the point. Just because something is not shameful doesn’t make it PUBLIC.

And you’re not talking about putting it on a billboard. Then, if all heck breaks loose, you could move somewhere else and return to a normal life, where everyone on the street didn’t know your intimate, personal business.

Instead, you’re talking about writing a book. Then, if all heck breaks loose, there’s no way to fix it. People anywhere can know your business (and without having to buy your book, either, because it will be on the internet, and all your co-workers will know about it, and any potential employers, and the parents of people your kids will want to date, and the person at the grocery store, and so forth).

If there is a time to write this book, I think it is many years in the future when your kids are grown and can buy into it, and when you are more years away from the temptations. Spending a lot of time talking and writing about your temptations (as writing and promoting a book would require) is not really the best way to weaken them.

–Jen

 

[estesbob]

Well, since you ask, yes it is worse. Not “so dark and awful” but worse. But that is not the point. Just because something is not shameful doesn’t make it PUBLIC.

And you’re not talking about putting it on a billboard. Then, if all heck breaks loose, you could move somewhere else and return to a normal life, where everyone on the street didn’t know your intimate, personal business.

Instead, you’re talking about writing a book. Then, if all heck breaks loose, there’s no way to fix it. People anywhere can know your business (and without having to buy your book, either, because it will be on the internet, and all your co-workers will know about it, and any potential employers, and the parents of people your kids will want to date, and the person at the grocery store, and so forth).

If there is a time to write this book, I think it is many years in the future when your kids are grown and can buy into it, and when you are more years away from the temptations. Spending a lot of time talking and writing about your temptations (as writing and promoting a book would require) is not really the best way to weaken them.

–Jen

I suspect he would get a lot of flak fro the homosexual community-probably more from them than anyone else. That is because his experience gives lie to the whole premise of homosexual apologists. That its ingrained and one cant do anything about it.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

You really just called women prudes for not wanting their husbands to come out as being SSA? Really?

To come out TO THEM. I’m sure it’s not the first thing a woman wants to hear, but she shouldn’t be shocked to hear that a man struggles with such a temptation.

(Given the caveat that the husband does not hide this in their courtship.)

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I suspect he would get a lot of flak fro the homosexual community-probably more from them than anyone else. That is because his experience gives lie to the whole premise of homosexual apologists. That its ingrained and one cant do anything about it.

Thank you for recognizing the goal that I have in mind.

I’m feeling just a bit misunderstood in this thread. It’s probably because I haven’t expressed myself clearly enough. But for future posters, please read through previous comments before making hasty comments that could be construed as disparaging.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Please read this wonderful blog by Josh Weed. I think you will find it both inspiring and beautiful.

joshweed.com/2012/06/club-unicorn-in-which-i-come-out-of.html

God bless.

Thanks, Debora! I’m so glad to find someone doing this, if only to ask him, someday, whether the disclosure ruined all his children’s lives.

 

[SecularLove]

If you want to but it won’t be very relevant, especially today. You don’t have to suppress your bisexual attractions like telling your friends or something shouldn’t be so bad (unless they are not really your friends).

I’m 18 and no one I know under 30 has a problem with gay/bisexual people, but I live in Australia so it may be different to the area you live in.

I’d say do what you want as long as your wife and children are not too hurt by it. If someone is offend by who you are attracted to (maybe not your wife) something is wrong with them.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

To come out TO THEM. I’m sure it’s not the first thing a woman wants to hear, but she shouldn’t be shocked to hear that a man struggles with such a temptation.

(Given the caveat that the husband does not hide this in their courtship.)

I do not mean to be obstinate about this topic. Why would a person with SSA need to come out to someone who had married them, knowing they had SSA, unless it was to say, “I still have this problem, just in case you thought I had conquered it or God had removed it,” or, worse, “I still have this problem and sadly, I have acted upon it.” Otherwise, it’s not a revelation to the spouse who presumably knows what comes along with the person she or he married.

Unless the spouse is in denial about the whole thing, which is a distinct possibility. “We have a good sex life, we have children, he loves me and the children, he never talks about it any more, it has to be over.” This may not be articulated but it could be her fondest hope.

I just don’t get it. I will be honest and tell you that I’m not sure why you are married and still wanting to focus on this “thorn” or cross. The more you think about it and reinforce it, the stronger it will seem, as revert_jen said in a previous post…

 

[thewanderer]

I do not mean to be obstinate about this topic. Why would a person with SSA need to come out to someone who had married them, knowing they had SSA, unless it was to say, “I still have this problem, just in case you thought I had conquered it or God had removed it,” or, worse, “I still have this problem and sadly, I have acted upon it.” Otherwise, it’s not a revelation to the spouse who presumably knows what comes along with the person she or he married.

Unless the spouse is in denial about the whole thing, which is a distinct possibility. “We have a good sex life, we have children, he loves me and the children, he never talks about it any more, it has to be over.” This may not be articulated but it could be her fondest hope.

I just don’t get it. I will be honest and tell you that I’m not sure why you are married and still wanting to focus on this “thorn” or cross. The more you think about it and reinforce it, the stronger it will seem, as revert_jen said in a previous post…

I think thats what his clarification was for. To say that he is talking about coming out to his wife before they were married. And then generalizing that to talk about someone coming out to their future wife before they are married.