Married men with SSA - Should we be publicly open about it?

[Prodigal_Son]

I do not mean to be obstinate about this topic. Why would a person with SSA need to come out to someone who had married them, knowing they had SSA, unless it was to say, “I still have this problem, just in case you thought I had conquered it or God had removed it,” or, worse, “I still have this problem and sadly, I have acted upon it.” Otherwise, it’s not a revelation to the spouse who presumably knows what comes along with the person she or he married.

Juliane,

I’m really puzzled as to what we’re talking about. I never talked about coming out to my wife, unless I was talking about doing so before we were married. Since then, I have deepened my intimacy with her, of course – especially since this January – which has meant talking about my attraction to men, yes. And I assure you she is not deeply wounded by the fact that I’m attracted to men. You see, she knows me, she knows how sincere my love for her is and how deeply I desire her. So encountering my attraction to men, for her, mostly fills her with pity for me.

We’ve spent years of our marriage with the subject being somewhat “taboo”, and, trust me, that wasn’t deepening intimacy. Talking about it is.

The reason I need to focus on this thorn is because it is one of the central places where I encounter God’s love, in the place of my deepest wound. Paul boasted in his thorn, if you’ll remember, not because the thorn was good, but because God’s power was manifested through his struggle with it.

Sorry for any misunderstandings in our discussion, or any ways I have offended you. I really do value all your (name removed by moderator)ut!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I probably just misunderstood. I wish you all the best. Since I have nothing more to offer on this topic, I will leave the thread. No offense meant and none taken.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I probably just misunderstood. I wish you all the best. Since I have nothing more to offer on this topic, I will leave the thread. No offense meant and none taken.

God bless you!

 

[Prodigal_Son]

If you want to but it won’t be very relevant, especially today. You don’t have to suppress your bisexual attractions like telling your friends or something shouldn’t be so bad (unless they are not really your friends).

I’m 18 and no one I know under 30 has a problem with gay/bisexual people, but I live in Australia so it may be different to the area you live in.

I’d say do what you want as long as your wife and children are not too hurt by it. If someone is offend by who you are attracted to (maybe not your wife) something is wrong with them.

My concern is largely for certain men who are single. If they are like I was, they feel very strong attractions to men, and a calmer (though very real) attraction to women. The cultural message seems to be that they are really gay, and that they would not be able to make a woman happy. Moreover, that they would inevitably wind up having sexual encounters with men, on the side. This is just false though, and no one seems to be saying so.

Perhaps it’s because married men in my position are *hiding *their attractions. This repression makes it more likely that they will act out sexually with a man – and, ironically, (seemingly) prove the culture right.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

A part of SSA, in very many cases, is the overriding desire for recognition. Now, psychologists can opine until the last day regarding the motivation of and need for this desire. Just as the attraction is disordered, is not this desire for recognition also disordered and something to be mastered just as SSA itself is to be mastered? This is in like manner with each and every one of our disorders.

You are saying that I desire to be recognized for my attraction to men. Really? You think so? Is that why I hid it from everyone, even my family, until I was 23? Is that why only 10 people in my life know about it now? Is that why I dread the moment in confession when I mention that I am dealing with same-sex attraction?

The reason “coming out” is such a powerful phenomenon is not evil or heinous. Living in the light is step #1. Living in a holy way in the light is step #2. But you can’t skip to step #2.

The gay liberation movement has step #1 down, and good for them. But they stop there. They say, “this is the way I am, so to hell with you.” They should say, “This is the way I am, God; tell me the way you want me to be.”

But here is a truth for you: If you hide before men, you are hiding before God as well.

(I’m not necessarily talking about ‘publicity’ here. That’s a separate question. But anyone with an attraction to a certain type of sin needs to be constantly open about it to somebody – ideally, several people. These things grow in darkness.)

No individual, especially the married, does anything in a vacuum. The two fleshes have become one. Both celebrate and both suffer. What is to celebrate in the public revelation of a disorder? How is the family helped - how are the children affected?

I would not be sharing this to celebrate!

I would be sharing this because many men are hiding, and they need to know that (a) they are not alone, and (b) there is hope for healing.

That said, I appreciate your 2 cents.

 

[josh987654321]

I am a joyfully married Catholic man with an ever-increasing number of children. From childhood, I have experienced a strong attraction to males, and this attraction has not ever really gone away. Unlike many men with SSA, I am also attracted to women, most particularly to my wife.

I thought that was bisexuality?

When I married my wife, I was in a place of great freedom, in terms of sexual sin. I was open with her about my attractions and my past, of course. Nevertheless, only three people (immediate family members) besides her knew my story, since SSA is most definitely a sinful disposition that loves to hide. Over time, little by little, I fell back into a pornography addiction after we were married. My wife knew something about this, but I only let her in partly. My attitudes toward myself became completely covered in shame.

Id like to share something with you -

A good point in Dr. Phil’s book, is that “If you want different, you have to do different” you have to identify the payoffs you receive, then you can change them by changing the payoff’s or removing the payoff’s.

It’s like those who say “Im going on a diet” yet fill their cupboard up with unhealthy food, it isn’t going to work, you can’t rely on will power when it comes to these things, you need to set your environment up so that it pulls for your success to quit the addiction, in this case to pornography.

This is a hypothetical situation, If you always had a smoke at a certain pub after work, than go to a different pub, you need to change your environment so that it pulls for your success.

So that especially when you don’t have the will power to quit your addiction, you have set your environment up so that the payoff of not giving in to that addiction out ways the payoff of giving in to that addiction.

For example say if your addicted to smoking and you really want a smoke, yet you have no cigarette’s, the inconvenience of driving all the way into town to buy a packet of cigarette’s might be enough to out way the payoff of getting to smoke a cigarette, of giving into that addiction.

Also it’s very, very hard to quite something when you go about it in a “cool down” way so to speak, the best way is to go “cold turkey” that’s why they send drug addicts to a rehab facility, because that environment pulls for their success, they don’t have available resource to their addiction.

Remember that just ‘motivation’ doesn’t work, motivation comes and goes, people cannot rely on just motivation/will power to quit an addiction, that’s what I mean when I say to quit an addiction you need to set your environment up so that it pulls for your success and that if you want different you have to do different, motivation/will power is the first step to want different, but the next step is to do different when the motivation/will power is no longer there, most struggle with how to do different when the motivation/will power goes away as it always does.

I hope this helps you.

I expect that some people will tell me something like this: Imagine you “went public” about this in some form, and your kids found out someday? Imagine how ashamed your wife and kids would feel to be associated with you? Do they deserve that shame?

But these objections miss the point! It’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s a temptation, like any other. Would you be ashamed if your children found out that you once wanted to shoplift something? That you once felt a strong urge to strangle a driver who cut you off? What’s the difference between these cases and SSA?

True, but I wouldn’t want my dad telling me that he struggled with immoral desires, I would want him to keep those things to himself. If he had many of these temptations, I wouldn’t want to know about them. For example if he said “son, I used to have a strong desire to shoplift” I wouldn’t really want to know about things like that and if that is his vice, id rather he dealt with it and only shared it with those who had a similar vice, Id rather he didn’t share it with me who doesn’t have that vice.

I think it would only be beneficial if I could help him by sharing with me or he could help me by sharing that information with me.

Thoughts?

I’m just glad that you know giving into homosexual desires is not the answer, because far too many in this day and age have such lack of self control when it comes to sexuality, they think it’s all just harmless fun.

I like this quote from C.S. Lewis -

Telling us to obey instinct is like telling us to obey ‘people.’ People say different things; so do instincts. Our instincts are at war … Each instinct, if you listen to it, will claim to be gratified at the expense of the rest.

Control over our desires leads us to freedom, whereas lack of self control over our desires leads us to despair. Too many view this the other way around in our society.

God Bless you Prodigal_Son

Thank you for reading
Josh

 

[Prodigal_Son]

A good point in Dr. Phil’s book, is that “If you want different, you have to do different” you have to identify the payoffs you receive, then you can change them by changing the payoff’s or removing the payoff’s.

Thanks, Josh. For the most part, I already take most of this advice. My life is very much designed to make falling hard, and to make getting back up easy. I’ve found spending time one-on-one with God the most rewarding thing, however: He doesn’t treat the symptoms, He’s working on rooting out the disease.

True, but I wouldn’t want my dad telling me that he struggled with immoral desires, I would want him to keep those things to himself. If he had many of these temptations, I wouldn’t want to know about them. For example if he said “son, I used to have a strong desire to shoplift” I wouldn’t really want to know about things like that and if that is his vice, id rather he dealt with it and only shared it with those who had a similar vice, Id rather he didn’t share it with me who doesn’t have that vice.

I’m not sure why. Your son surely has some strong temptation to sin. Unless he sees the way you deal with your temptations, how does he learn how to be a man? I believe we need to make our lives more transparent to one another. This involves taking risks, but the risks are worth it.

Thanks for your thoughts, Josh!

 

[KateMonday]

I find myself actually living in this situation, as the wife of a man who struggles with SSA…and as someone who has struggled with SSA myself (mostly in the past)…and I am inclined to say “yes, you should be publicly open”, in the right contexts, if both spouses are comfortable with it.

When this lives in the dark, then the temptations multiply, because those afflicted feel so completely and utterly broken. When this is seen as SO horrible that it shouldn’t even be spoken of…how will anyone find support?

I liken it (in some ways) to people struggling with alcoholism, or a tendency to self-injure, or a battle with bulimia. When we make these things “taboo” to talk about, then they get so, so much worse.

 

[Joe_5859]

Thanks, Debora! I’m so glad to find someone doing this, if only to ask him, someday, whether the disclosure ruined all his children’s lives.

Yes, that was a great article! That was exactly the type of thing I had in mind that you were talking about.

Note how it went for him. He had begun sharing it more and more in his role as counselor and knew that word would get around. So he and his wife thought it best to be more public about it. That strikes me as the right way to go about it.

Perhaps you could send him an email and ask him how he handled the topic with his children. He’d definitely have more insight on that point than most of us.

Your distinction between sin and temptation is a good one. Finding out my parents were tempted to commit a sin would be far less scandalous to my ears than finding out they actually committed the sin.

I think a book could be a great idea. I would think that some Catholic publisher would love to publish such a book. But you’d just have to have a game plan for how to approach the subject with your kids, which I know you already know.

 

[bejonama]

As the mother of a son who has succumbed to his same sex attraction cheered on by all his friends. A mother who has been told by acquaintances that her stance of love him no matter what but never condone his sinful actions might one day cause him to suicide. I thank you. Your story gives me hope and I think could also be extremely helpful to young men facing the temptations of ssa. Yours is a story I wish my son had heard instead of all the politically correct ones that made him believe that his whole identity was ‘gay’!

 

[Prodigal_Son]

As the mother of a son who has succumbed to his same sex attraction cheered on by all his friends. A mother who has been told by acquaintances that her stance of love him no matter what but never condone his sinful actions might one day cause him to suicide. I thank you. Your story gives me hope and I think could also be extremely helpful to young men facing the temptations of ssa. Yours is a story I wish my son had heard instead of all the politically correct ones that made him believe that his whole identity was ‘gay’!

Michelle,

I would like very much to be of assistance to young men like your son. I would also most definitely point you to Wesley Hill, a single man attempting to live celibately with SSA. His “Washed and Waiting” would be good for you to read probably. I have no idea whether it would be good for your son to read – these things must be done in the context of relationship, with an open heart.

amazon.com/Wesley-Hill/e/B003Y37II2

One piece of wisdom I have is this: Most men with SSA desperately desire physical and emotional contact with men (in my case, this relates to the absence of my father from after when I was six). There is nothing wrong with this desire. But the desire feels “gay” to us, because the culture discourages meaningful physical/emotional contact between men. Deep and meaningful friendships with men are an important step to healing. (This can also be tricky, I suppose. But life is tricky.)

Most importantly, though, let me say that you can show your son how lovable and good he is, even in the midst of his sin. (You probably already are.) A poster above compares this to anorexia or bulimia, which is not perfect, but is helpful. It is very possible for a person to grow emotionally and spiritually while still committing this sort of sin, and this (restricted) growth is what will give him an opportunity to repent in the future. Those who love him run a tightwalk of showing him love and yet not (by crowding him with advice) standing in the way of his repentance.

Gee, sorry to offer a barrage of unsolicited advice.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Yes, that was a great article! That was exactly the type of thing I had in mind that you were talking about.

Note how it went for him. He had begun sharing it more and more in his role as counselor and knew that word would get around. So he and his wife thought it best to be more public about it. That strikes me as the right way to go about it.

Perhaps you could send him an email and ask him how he handled the topic with his children. He’d definitely have more insight on that point than most of us.

Your distinction between sin and temptation is a good one. Finding out my parents were tempted to commit a sin would be far less scandalous to my ears than finding out they actually committed the sin.

I think a book could be a great idea. I would think that some Catholic publisher would love to publish such a book. But you’d just have to have a game plan for how to approach the subject with your kids, which I know you already know.

Thanks, Joe. I will say that the phenomenal press response to Josh Weed gives me pause. I do not want to be a poster child.

But then again, it’s not about what I want.

My discernment here is still at a VERY early phase. But I do recognize the good that could be done by such a book. I just need to count the cost, too. Thanks for helping me think clearly about the subject.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I find myself actually living in this situation, as the wife of a man who struggles with SSA…and as someone who has struggled with SSA myself (mostly in the past)…and I am inclined to say “yes, you should be publicly open”, in the right contexts, if both spouses are comfortable with it.

When this lives in the dark, then the temptations multiply, because those afflicted feel so completely and utterly broken. When this is seen as SO horrible that it shouldn’t even be spoken of…how will anyone find support?

I liken it (in some ways) to people struggling with alcoholism, or a tendency to self-injure, or a battle with bulimia. When we make these things “taboo” to talk about, then they get so, so much worse.

Oh, Kate, my heart goes out to you. I know what you and your husband are going through.

As far as darkness goes, I guess people think that if they turn the light off, the closet itself goes away. No such luck. When you turn the light off, the monsters come out. These monsters, frankly, want to destroy our marriages and leave our children fatherless.

We *really *need the light on, folks.

You have my prayers. God bless you both on your journey!

 

[Joe_5859]

Thanks, Joe. I will say that the phenomenal press response to Josh Weed gives me pause. I do not want to be a poster child.

But then again, it’s not about what I want.

My discernment here is still at a VERY early phase. But I do recognize the good that could be done by such a book. I just need to count the cost, too. Thanks for helping me think clearly about the subject.

Yes, I can see how it would definitely be easier not to invite in public responses to your personal life and struggles. It’s not something everyone would be called to do. But it is something that some are called to do for the good of others. It definitely is a situation that requires discernment.

I’ll say a prayer for you.

 

[LaSainte]

My question is: Why wouldn’t you it write an anonymous blog? Why does this have to be a book with your name emblazoned on the front cover and your picture on the book flap?

Is it because you want to make money off of it?

I think a blog would be a great idea, but a book would be a terrible idea. Your children will be humiliated. Maybe you feel comfortable that you and your wife can handle the ridicule and he gossip and the whispers that you must be sleeping with other guys on he side, but why do this to your kids in a public fashion? They WILL be ridiculed, people WILL tell them that their dad is gay, they WILL wonder if you just married their mom to run away from your sexuality, and they WILL be accused of being gay themselves by their peers. It is inevitable.

A blog will probably reach more people and will be anonymous. There is no reason to publicly discuss and share every temptation we have. If I wanted to have sex with chimps or my brother or children, I certainly wouldn’t go public with it in such a way.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

My question is: Why wouldn’t you it write an anonymous blog? Why does this have to be a book with your name emblazoned on the front cover and your picture on the book flap?

On an anonymous blog, anyone can claim anything. You can say, “Look at how free God made me!” and there’s no accountability.

Let me take you back in time. When I was 16, I desperately needed to read something about this issue, from a source I could trust. Would a blog post have been enough? Here’s a blog post, where some random person admits that they struggle with homosexual feelings and yet have experienced freedom from sin and condemnation. Really? You feel so free from condemnation that you’re willing to tell strangers who can never find out for themselves whether you’re lying through your teeth.

I think a blog would be a great idea, but a book would be a terrible idea. Your children will be humiliated. Maybe you feel comfortable that you and your wife can handle the ridicule and he gossip and the whispers that you must be sleeping with other guys on he side, but why do this to your kids in a public fashion? They WILL be ridiculed, people WILL tell them that their dad is gay, they WILL wonder if you just married their mom to run away from your sexuality, and they WILL be accused of being gay themselves by their peers. It is inevitable.

Maybe this stuff would be absolutely awful, like you say. But I don’t know. The same sort of objections would have held for proclaiming yourself to be a Christian in the Roman Empire – that, and far worse ramifications. By modern standards, it would be ABUSE for a 1st century family man to convert to Christianity, since it would expose his children to ridicule, not to mention overt physical attacks.

In other words, you are giving me a utilitarian argument. Is there anything *intrinsically *wrong about what I’m considering? Or is it just awfully messy, and risky, and intense?

If it’s just about the messiness, I wonder. I mean, aren’t we supposed to trust our earthly lot to God? This does not mean “be reckless”, but it does sometimes mean to be foolish, in worldly terms.

The more I think about it, I am leaning against an autobiographical sort of book. But I’m becoming more and more intrigued by how one might be transparent about this in a somewhat oblique fashion.

Am I just out for money? No, I really don’t care about money. I certainly do want to be famous, but – frankly – I don’t want to be famous for this.

A blog will probably reach more people and will be anonymous.

A blog will expose every word I say to rude and stupid responses, too. Books offer critics a bit more room for reflection.

There is no reason to publicly discuss and share every temptation we have. If I wanted to have sex with chimps or my brother or children, I certainly wouldn’t go public with it in such a way.

But the culture is not in a fierce debate about whether people should be allowed to marry chimps, or siblings, or children. These attractions do not command public acceptance. If one of them did command public acceptance, then I would commend the courage of a married person who spoke of their ability to have such an attraction (which they wanted, and attempted, to be rid of) and yet live a holy and lifegiving marriage.

 

[LaSainte]

On an anonymous blog, anyone can claim anything. You can say, “Look at how free God made me!” and there’s no accountability.

Let me take you back in time. When I was 16, I desperately needed to read something about this issue, from a source I could trust. Would a blog post have been enough? Here’s a blog post, where some random person admits that they struggle with homosexual feelings and yet have experienced freedom from sin and condemnation. Really? You feel so free from condemnation that you’re willing to tell strangers who can never find out for themselves whether you’re lying through your teeth.

Maybe this stuff would be absolutely awful, like you say. But I don’t know. The same sort of objections would have held for proclaiming yourself to be a Christian in the Roman Empire – that, and far worse ramifications. By modern standards, it would be ABUSE for a 1st century family man to convert to Christianity, since it would expose his children to ridicule, not to mention overt physical attacks.

In other words, you are giving me a utilitarian argument. Is there anything *intrinsically *wrong about what I’m considering? Or is it just awfully messy, and risky, and intense?

If it’s just about the messiness, I wonder. I mean, aren’t we supposed to trust our earthly lot to God? This does not mean “be reckless”, but it does sometimes mean to be foolish, in worldly terms.

The more I think about it, I am leaning against an autobiographical sort of book. But I’m becoming more and more intrigued by how one might be transparent about this in a somewhat oblique fashion.

Am I just out for money? No, I really don’t care about money. I certainly do want to be famous, but – frankly – I don’t want to be famous for this.

A blog will expose every word I say to rude and stupid responses, too. Books offer critics a bit more room for reflection.

But the culture is not in a fierce debate about whether people should be allowed to marry chimps, or siblings, or children. These attractions do not command public acceptance. If one of them did command public acceptance, then I would commend the courage of a married person who spoke of their ability to have such an attraction (which they wanted, and attempted, to be rid of) and yet live a holy and lifegiving marriage.

Just because you wouldn’t be telling the WORLD your identity, doesn’t mean you are ashamed or unbelievable as a person. You could state in your blog that out of respect for your family and for the innocence of your children, you are choosing to remain anonymous, but that your wife and close friends are privy to your struggles. I see nothing incredible about that. Sure, you could make it up, but why on Earth would you?

You will reach more people through a blog than you ever would with a book. 16-year-olds don’t go to Barnes and Noble and buy books about being a bisexual Christian.

I may be way off here, but I feel like you are being a little self-aggrandizing here, comparing this to declaring yourself a Christian during the Roman Empire. And you DID say you want to be famous. Maybe you see this as a road to that goal. Maybe you would rather be famous for something else, but frankly, you seem laser-focused on doing this in a very public way, when it is very unnecessary to do so.

You may feel called to help others, but you can do that without humiliating your family. Your kids will be humiliated and ridiculed, and your primary focus as a father should be their mental and emotional well-being. They deserve to have an image of their dad that is wholesome and good. They don’t need to read about your struggles with gay porn and bisexuality, and they certainly don’t need it to be brought to their attention by the kids at school. Do you think any other parents are going to let their kids come over and play if they know you have struggled with gay porn before? No. This is not about you and your need to get this off your chest in a very public way. It is a out your primary responsibility-your family. And if you think responses to your BLOG will be rude and lack the reflection of a book critique, wait until your kids come home bloody and beaten because they tried to defend their dad at school when all the kids are calling him gay.

You could very easily and credibly do this with some semblance of anonymity and reach out and help a lot of people. You just might not get paid to do it or become famous for it.

 

[KateMonday]

You will reach more people through a blog than you ever would with a book. 16-year-olds don’t go to Barnes and Noble and buy books about being a bisexual Christian.

.

Actually, speaking from personal experience…they certainly do. (Or, at least they try. I never found such books, and came home with a bag full of books which ALL advocated that I “come out of the closet” and fling myself into the gay lifestyle immediately.)

I think a blog is a great idea. Look at blogs like Steve Gershom (I think I spelled that right), discussing this anonymously. Marvelous. But I think a book could also be a good idea…look at Melinda Selmys (I think that’s her name). She talks about this from a woman’s side…where’s the male counterpart??

 

[Cat]

James 3: 1 says, “Let not many of you become teachers, my brethren, knowing that as such we shall incur a stricter judgement.”

You should wait for many years, until you become older and wiser and have decades of experience under your belt, and you have succeeded consistently for decades, and you have stayed married to the same woman, and have raised your children well and they respect and love you, and you have succeeded in your chosen career/job.

When I was young, I thought I was an “expert” in so many spiritual endeavors. Back then I was Protestant, and many Protestants were becoming celebrities either as public speakers or writers of books and/or magazine articles. I wanted to be like those people and “help others” with my great knowledge and experience.

Well, many of those Protestants have since fallen badly. Some are actually anti-Christian now. Many are divorced (some several times) and many have raised children who reject the faith, and who have nothing to do with their parent(s).

All that they said and wrote back then is negated through their failures. I think it must hurt even worse to fail after setting themselves up as success stories.

And the older I get, the more I realize that I know nothing, and that my deep relationship with God is much more on His side than mine.

In one of your posts (I believe it was #77), you say, “I didn’t express myself well” in response to another person. That should tell you that you are not ready to go public. When you are setting yourself up as a paragon, then you must be able to express yourself well every time you speak or write. Real people will be reading or listening to you, and if you fail to express yourself well, one of those real people could be adversely affected in a way that may hurt them for the rest of their life.

Also, you are in a particularly dangerous place, because the recidivism rate for your particular temptation area is very high.

Also, I believe that you are making a few mistakes. First, I think you overestimate the number of people, especially men, who experience SSA on a regular basis. What this means is that you need to study more, and learn more about human sexuality, especially the sexual development of boys and young men, but also the development and sexuality of women. I agree with all the other women on this thread who have said that it is very hurtful to a wife to be reminded often that her husband is attracted to others. Read the Book of Proverbs–there are dozens of passages in that book in which the writer tells men to delight only in the wife of his youth! A wise man would not dwell on the issue with his wife because it is not only hurtful, it is damaging to her.

A second mistake you are making is to harbor a belief that many people don’t find SSA dark and disgusting. Oh, yes, they do. Many of us can sympathize with an alcoholic or drug addict because we ourselves struggle with addictions and we understand the cravings that they experience. (For me, it’s sugar.) But SSA is a perversion. The Catechism of the Catholic Church calls such sexual acts “disordered.” They are against nature. They are NOT beautiful acts. I’m being very graphic here because I want you to see how others will perceive you. Yes, Hollywood people will tell you that homosexuality and bisexuality and masturbation are beautiful–but most of us aren’t Hollywood people. We are repelled.

In fact, I’m guessing that you have probably acquired mannerisms in your body language and speech that you aren’t even aware of, that repel others. You need time, many years, so that you can become aware of your own shortcomings, admit that they ARE shortcomings, and rid yourselves of them.

Because so many people still find SSA repellent, if you “go public,” what will happen is this–many parents of children and teenagers will NOT allow their children to be around your children because they are afraid of what you will FEEL for their children, especially their male teenagers. You will be told that you aren’t welcome to work as a volunteer at the soccer tournament or the book fair or the youth group. You will be upset and angry, and your children will be mortified, ashamed, and want you to go away and not be their dad anymore.

People aren’t as nice as you seem to think they are. You need many years to learn this, and you need to learn how to respond to these people who are repelled by you and your “temptation” out of fear and yes, out of righteousness! Homosexuality is a perversion, and those of us who are repelled by it SHOULD be repelled! The Bible makes it clear that righteousness and sin cannot exist in the same place! Darkness and light do not enjoy fellowship.

The Bible talks about sexual sin as being worse than other sins because it is against your own body. I agree with another poster who said that there is a difference between a temptation to have sex with another man and a temptation to flip off a bad driver.

You need to have many years of study of all these things.

So again, I urge you to wait for many years. Wait and work hard. Certainly get involved with a small support group–Protestants call these groups “accountability groups”, and I think that’s a good description. Within this group, you can practice “being good” and you will no doubt be able to help other men.

Store up all your experiences. Write them down and remember them. And then when you are 50 and your children have grown up well, and your wife still loves and admires you–THEN you can write your book and probably end up going on a speaking tour, and your testimony will actually mean something because people will see from your life and your family members’ lives that you not only talk the talk, but you walk the walk and have walked that walk for decades. You will be a true expert at that point.

Please think about what I have written here and I hope it is helpful.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

I may be way off here, but I feel like you are being a little self-aggrandizing here, comparing this to declaring yourself a Christian during the Roman Empire. And you DID say you want to be famous. Maybe you see this as a road to that goal. Maybe you would rather be famous for something else, but frankly, you seem laser-focused on doing this in a very public way, when it is very unnecessary to do so.

I wasn’t comparing my plan to the Christians in the Roman Empire. I was saying that both cases have some things in common.

In our culture today, it is clear how alcoholism can be taken captive for Christ. It is clear how anorexia can be taken captive for Christ. It is clear how cancer can be taken captive for Christ. In all these areas, there are a cloud of witnesses – a cloud of people who have been open about their temptations and struggles (and victories!), so that others do not feel alone. In our culture, it is becoming slightly clear how one man can be sexually attracted to other men and not sin. But it is not clear how a man can do this while married to a woman. All the Christian advice seems to be, “Repress, repress, repress.”

Maybe a blog can do all this. But I’m not sure that prudence demands a blog rather than a book. I am sure that I’m not ready yet. But I hope to be ready sometime before all my children are grown.

They don’t need to read about your struggles with gay porn and bisexuality, and they certainly don’t need it to be brought to their attention by the kids at school. Do you think any other parents are going to let their kids come over and play if they know you have struggled with gay porn before? No.

(1) I am not considering a book documenting struggles with looking at porn. One can describe what it’s like to have an attraction without describing gory details.

(2) Why wouldn’t a person let their kids go over to the house of a person who watched gay porn? This really puzzles me. The great majority of fathers in America, for better or worse, struggle with some form of pornography. You’re saying that kids would be allowed to go over to those houses, but not to the house of someone who has struggled with gay pornography? Why?

Comments like these make me wonder whether you really think that the content of my attractions IS terribly shameful. Perhaps this is the non-utilitarian argument you have in mind: SSA is shameful, and shameful things belong in the dark.

It’s not shameful, though. This is something that my kids will learn from me, whether or not I ever “go public” with any of this stuff.

This is not about you and your need to get this off your chest in a very public way.

I don’t have such a need. You are the one who has hypothesized such a need for me, because you cannot imagine that I have relatively pure motives.