X
- Status
D
DarkLight
Guest
I think part of the problem is you don’t know what’s going on in any individual person’s life. Group generalizations often aren’t helpful, especially when making judgement about an individual. And many of us feel like we don’t get the chance to prove we’re capable of being adults, or if we do that we face a higher standard.
So, for example, I’ve learned a lot personally from having to deal with chronic health problems. I think there’s even some unique challenges to having such things as a younger person. And it’s a situation that gets a lot less understanding than if you had a young child to worry about. (“What do you mean you’re too tired? You’ve got nothing to be tired out from!”)
Especially in college I felt like it often made me more mature than many of the people around me. I was often more comfortable with older people who were used to balancing responsibilities than with many peers who goofed off and played video games and then dashed out papers at the last minute. But I wouldn’t suggest that people can’t be mature until they’ve dealt with a health crisis.
So, for example, I’ve learned a lot personally from having to deal with chronic health problems. I think there’s even some unique challenges to having such things as a younger person. And it’s a situation that gets a lot less understanding than if you had a young child to worry about. (“What do you mean you’re too tired? You’ve got nothing to be tired out from!”)
Especially in college I felt like it often made me more mature than many of the people around me. I was often more comfortable with older people who were used to balancing responsibilities than with many peers who goofed off and played video games and then dashed out papers at the last minute. But I wouldn’t suggest that people can’t be mature until they’ve dealt with a health crisis.
R
Rico_S
Guest
I know this isn’t what you are looking for…but why respond at all?
This sort of stuff happens to me all the time in social settings–where someone expresses some opinion (political, religious, parenting related…whatever) that I find is wrong or completely out of whack. Typically, I will just ignore it and move on. While it can be frustrating, it is almost always best to just let it roll off your back and carry on. I’ve seen it happen before (my wife is one who feels the strong need to jump in to correct a wrong opinion), and it generally just doesn’t end up well. Either the mood gets dragged down by some serious back and forth, or the other person just clams up and the “corrector” looks a bit socially awkward for calling someone out. It never ends with the other person saying, “you know, I hadn’t thought about it that way…I think you are right. Thanks for correcting me on that.”
Now, among close friends,it’s a different story…but in a typically setting, I don’t see much to gain by making an issue out of it.
S
Sarcelle
Guest
Oh yes, marriage demands responsibility and if you fail you risk losing your marriage.
We singles get that. We do.
What we don’t get is the judgment that if we are not married that we are automatically irresponsible. Marriage according to Catholics is a sacrament and not a rite of passage.
Marriage does not automatically make one responsible it demands that one becomes responsible with very real consequences of one fails to live up to one’s responsibilities.
Ideally, two mature single people, yes they do exist, getting married to each other, bodes well for the marriage. After marriage they grow in reapnsibity even more.
The point of this post is to agree with you that married people.have more.reponsibilities but we cannot conclude that since married people have more responsibilities, single people are.immature or irresponsible.
D
DarkLight
Guest
Well, I’m thinking specifically of cases where people haven’t thought through what they’re saying. So I know a lot of people who would say “it really takes marriage to make someone more mature”, but when asked if that means they think their single friends are less mature than they are would go “gee of course not!”
X
Xantippe
Guest
Learning to filter one’s thoughts and pay attention to who you are talking to is another maturity issue.
Some people never figure that one out.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
Oh, goodness, if there is anyone I would not want a friend of mine to marry, it is someone who actually believes that marriage makes a person mature! What about when it doesn’t? The couple winds up miserable with each other, miserable for their children to be around, spreading scarring everywhere they go, and extremely vulnerable to divorce, if the immaturity is such that it is incompatible with fulfilling the requirements of marriage.
Some of the most mature people I know are still unmarried because they have the self-control and the maturity to assess people and relationships soberly. They have avoided a bad marriage when they could easily have been tempted to enter into “just to be married”–what is more mature and selfless than that? It takes maturity not to foolishly “settle” for a marriage that no amount of maturity on just one end or wishful thinking about compatibility can force to work.
The mature person waits to marry until they have a marriage that will succeed with commitment and sacrificial love. The person who rushes into marriage in the belief that marriage vows will cure immaturity is a foolish person, indeed. Such a person is very lucky if they and their poorly-disposed spouses gain maturity fast enough to make up for their rashness.
The other issue is self-indulgence. There are people capable of more maturity who do not require it of themselves until they are in a vocational situation where maturity is required of them. In that case you could say that “marriage made them mature,” but the truth was that the capacity was there all along. The person just expected too little of themselves prior to the demands of marriage. That doesn’t mean it was being single that was their problem–that is, the reason for their immature behavior. It was their selfish prejudices about what single life demands of a Christian that was their problem. It is wrong for them to project that same willingness to self-indulgence onto others that they unfortunately and unwittingly allowed themselves.
IOW, just because we were foolish when we were younger does not mean that all young people are just as foolish as we were in the same situation!! Just because it took marriage to teach us how self-centered we really were does not mean that everyone requires the same remedial education!
R
Rico_S
Guest
I hear what you are saying. People kind of go off half cocked without realizing that they are insensitive or insulting to those around them. They aren’t really thinking through what they are saying.
But I still say these are usually battles that should be left unfought. They may not really even mean what they say (as indicative of your example) and there doesn’t seem to be much of an upside other than perhaps making yourself feel better in that immediate moment.
As in your example:
Person A " it really takes marriage to make someone more mature"
Person B " so you are saying that your single friends are less mature?"
While A’s comment is wrong headed and pretty silly in and of itself…it is very difficult to pull of Person B’s comment without coming across as strangely confrontational at best…or a bit of jerk at worst. It can be done, but it takes some social deftness (which my wife does not exhibit in these spots ).
But even if you think you can do it without coming off badly, why do it? IMO, it just seems like a rather small irritation, not worth fussing over.
E
EasterJoy
Guest
It is possible to take a “we both know you didn’t mean that the way it sounds” tack:
“You’d better be careful. Some of your single friends are going to think you mean that you’re mature and they’re not, instead of saying that you’re more mature than you used to be before you married.” Put that way, you can actually gain the appreciation of someone who will feel they’ve dodged an instance of foot-in-mouth, with your help.
X
Xantippe
Guest
Yes.
I wanted to add that a lot of the possible responses sound very pharisaical.
Example:
Friend: People need marriage to help them settle down and stop partying!
Hypothetical Dark Light: Not everybody is as much of a sinner as a single as you were.
True and fair, but quite the conversation stopper!
L
Lost_Wanderer
Guest
Sadly I can’t say I’ve seen you around nigh 18 months ago before my great forum hiatus.
You’re right that I don’t see the folks I’m mentioning anymore. But believe me, they were there (both here and in my real life).Besides, I think you and I will both admit CAF is hardly the one and only picture of such a large religion.
D
DarkLight
Guest
Yeah, I was thinking more “Hey now, we’re not in college anymore!”
Or for grad students “Hey maybe I’ll invite you to our next grading party!”
X
Xantippe
Guest
Not bad!
- Status