Married, so why do I "feel" lonely?

[Sarcelle]

You probably don’t satisfy him in any way anymore. He probably thinks you’re lazy (might be true or not)and perhaps you’re a fat slob (just being honest). He may even resent you. My advice? stop homeschooling, get a part time job and work on your looks. You’ll probably see a difference in how you are treated. I see you are working on your looks, that is a start. You probably don’t stimulate him intellectually, this is why you need outside activities.

Actually she said she lost a lot of weight. Lost weight, not gained weight.

 

[Irishmom2]

Yes it is, though I’m a woman. However I’m speaking as a woman who gets hit on often by men who are unhappy in their marriage. If these men would leave me alone then it would be different. However they don’t so the reason is because they aren’t attracted to their wife (looks, intellectual whatever). This is also the reason many divorce around this time (and these men harass me too).

This is off topic. This thread is not about you.

 

[GEddie]

Loneliness is a part of life, which is why those who rush into relationships trying to run from loneliness often end up disappointed. No human being can be a full-time companion, even to their spouse.

This is a situation to pray hard about. And be patient.

God Bless and ICXC NIKA

 

[pianistclare]

Because I am stating something that happened to me I am baiting? No, I am being honest, some guys (some women too)get bored easily by people who don’t stimulate them. My friend did. They often want mates who have more in life than the kids.

I am not trying to be nasty just honest.It may not even be her situation but it could be,.

Once again you derail a thread.
Stop it.

 

[Sarcelle]

I noticed that and said something. It may not be her looks but still could be. Maybe she dresses like a slob, maybe she never bathes. That fact is we don’t know unless her husband says. However, many men do cheat and many cheat because he’s not attracted anymore.It’s wrong, but it happens.

It could be anything and everything. But why speculate? All it does is offend others and in the end serves no purpose. It also draws fire and ire upon you from others. So,why do it?

 

[Sarcelle]

Loneliness is a part of life, which is why those who rush into relationships trying to run from loneliness often end up disappointed. No human being can be a full-time companion, even to their spouse.

This is a situation to pray hard about. And be patient.

God Bless and ICXC NIKA

Praying for the OP.

 

[Horton]

I don’t talk to him anymore. She has time to do outside activities (like when he’s at work)she chooses not to. Not my problem but I blocked him because he had his chance with me, he had views I didn’t so we didn’t end up together.

Now the real back story comes out. The “friend” dumped TC for his wife and now TC feels the need to take nasty pot shots at SAHMs, or wives in general.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Now the real back story comes out. The “friend” dumped TC for his wife and now TC feels the need to take nasty pot shots at SAHMs, or wives in general.

No, actually we never dated. He wanted to date me but because I never had an interest in being a SAHM he waited hoping I changed. i never did so he looked for someone like that. I was never interested in him at all.

 

[bitterhope]

No, actually we never dated. He wanted to date me but because I never had an interest in being a SAHM he waited hoping I changed. i never did so he looked for someone like that. I was never interested in him at all.

I notice you are a catechism teacher. Is this why you have problems with parents? The only women I have ever known who constantly have men, married or not, hitting on them openly seek out attention from men. You might want to check for that in yourself. It may explain why you have many if the problems you have in life–including not being able to find a man that is husband material. Decent men tend to avoid women that put out those kinds of vibes.

OP, I’ll pray for you and your husband. Stress causes men to act the way you are describing and often they don’t recognize the stress in themselves. First thing my husband does when he gets home from deployments is lawn work and piddling around in the garage. It can last months sometimes. When he is having extra stress at work he does the same. The fact that he is not angry and shouting at you and the kids is proof you all are the world to him. Be there for him when he needs you and draw strength in knowing he adores you and that you mean more to him than life itself.

 

[lax16]

Let us all remember to be charitable.

Many posts have been otherwise.

 

[TeachCatechism]

I notice you are a catechism teacher. Is this why you have problems with parents? The only women I have ever known who constantly have men, married or not, hitting on them openly seek out attention from men. You might want to check for that in yourself. It may explain why you have many if the problems you have in life–including not being able to find a man that is husband material. Decent men tend to avoid women that put out those kinds of vibes.

OP, I’ll pray for you and your husband. Stress causes men to act the way you are describing and often they don’t recognize the stress in themselves. First thing my husband does when he gets home from deployments is lawn work and piddling around in the garage. It can last months sometimes. When he is having extra stress at work he does the same. The fact that he is not angry and shouting at you and the kids is proof you all are the world to him. Be there for him when he needs you and draw strength in knowing he adores you and that you mean more to him than life itself.

No I don’t flirt with married men. I don’t seek attention from men at all since most aren’t worthy of me.

 

[jmj777]

OP here,

Thank you all for coming to my defense against the nasty, assuming posts.

Originally, I thought it was strictly because of work stress that caused him to be distant. He is constantly dealing with work issues even when he’s returned home from work. BUT – he was also distant when we went on a family vacation for a week last month. No warm, loving affections from him. Not even a “you look nice in that dress/bathing suit/skirt.” The vacation was pretty carefree and so it wasn’t as if he was preoccupied with the stresses of work. Although I think it may/can contribute somehow at times.

And just for the record, I don’t have a problem with my looks. I just happen to “need” him to let me know that I am still appealing to him. I admit that I am overly sensitive and my view of myself is really completely tied to what he thinks about me. As I should, since I only want to be pleasing to my husband.

As for being a big, fat slob – that is not the case here. I know that I have a nice appearance to the public. I am petite and look like I never had children. Other men have looked and I have no interest in their opinions. However, he has had a particular “favored” part of me that I “lost” with my weight loss. I’m trying desperately to work on that body part.

At one point while out in public, another man was looking at me and when my husband noticed THEN he attempted to compliment me. It felt so shallow as if he was reminded that other men may find me attractive.

I know that I shouldn’t base my life around his affirmation or lack thereof, but it is so hard to be dismissed as just a housewife there to build his ego up while mine is overlooked.

Peace.

+JMJ+

 

[ClearWater]

I’m sorry you are feeling lonely. One can be married and feel just as lonely as a single person. It can almost be rougher, since if needs aren’t being met, you are not to look elsewhere to meet them.

It’s a shame he would not consider going to counseling with you. When you aren’t happy, it affects you both. An idea, feel free to take it or leave it, is to go to counseling by yourself in the meantime. That will give you an opportunity to talk about your feelings and be heard, affirmed, understood and taken seriously.

As a stay at home mom, you might also be isolated. I hope you have friends to help out.

 

[Lou2U]

OP here,

Thank you all for coming to my defense against the nasty, assuming posts.

Originally, I thought it was strictly because of work stress that caused him to be distant. He is constantly dealing with work issues even when he’s returned home from work. BUT – he was also distant when we went on a family vacation for a week last month. No warm, loving affections from him. Not even a “you look nice in that dress/bathing suit/skirt.” The vacation was pretty carefree and so it wasn’t as if he was preoccupied with the stresses of work. Although I think it may/can contribute somehow at times.

And just for the record, I don’t have a problem with my looks. I just happen to “need” him to let me know that I am still appealing to him. I admit that I am overly sensitive and my view of myself is really completely tied to what he thinks about me. As I should, since I only want to be pleasing to my husband.

As for being a big, fat slob – that is not the case here. I know that I have a nice appearance to the public. I am petite and look like I never had children. Other men have looked and I have no interest in their opinions. However, he has had a particular “favored” part of me that I “lost” with my weight loss. I’m trying desperately to work on that body part.

At one point while out in public, another man was looking at me and when my husband noticed THEN he attempted to compliment me. It felt so shallow as if he was reminded that other men may find me attractive.

I know that I shouldn’t base my life around his affirmation or lack thereof, but it is so hard to be dismissed as just a housewife there to build his ego up while mine is overlooked.

Peace.

+JMJ+

I would definitely encourage counseling for you and your husband. If he won’t go, I suggest you go by yourself. I understand why, but it isn’t healthy to base your self worth just on one person.

You are not just a housewife. You are a wife, a mother, a friend, a teacher, you work hard (just as hard as your husband) and you deserve to be recognised as such.

Lou

 

[Irishmom2]

OP, I’ll pray for you and your husband. Stress causes men to act the way you are describing and often they don’t recognize the stress in themselves. First thing my husband does when he gets home from deployments is lawn work and piddling around in the garage. It can last months sometimes. When he is having extra stress at work he does the same. The fact that he is not angry and shouting at you and the kids is proof you all are the world to him. Be there for him when he needs you and draw strength in knowing he adores you and that you mean more to him than life itself.

I agree with this and want to add that you need to remember that if this is how he is feeling, (like he needs alone time or decompression time) he needs to be able to feel that way, just as you are entitled to feel the way you do.

However, we own our own feelings, and sometimes only we can make ourselves feel better. Instead of needing or wanting your husband to be your cheerleader, you have to be your own best friend sometimes. We can’t depend on other because sometimes, they are dealing with their own things (stress, depression, etc.) and are not able at that time to give us what we want.

It may just be a phase that he is not able to give you the emotional security you seek. Try and give him what he needs and be patient. You have made it clear to him what you want. Now step back and give him a little breathing room.

 

[ClearWater]

Oh yeah, and one more thing…variety in sex. Sometimes sex gets into a routine.

 

[Xantippe]

However, he has had a particular “favored” part of me that I “lost” with my weight loss. I’m trying desperately to work on that body part.

I know that I shouldn’t base my life around his affirmation or lack thereof, but it is so hard to be dismissed as just a housewife there to build his ego up while mine is overlooked.

Bummer about the weight loss stuff. Hope you can get whatever it was back!

I don’t think it is your job to provide him head pats while not getting head pats back. But, does he actually expect that from you, or is it just you expecting that from yourself?

I haven’t read it, but it does sound like the Five Love Languages is probably exactly what you guys need. Your love language sounds like it might be some combination of “words of affirmation” and “physical touch.” I wonder what his is? It might help a lot if you read through the book together (maybe 5 minutes at bedtime). I bet it would help him understand that you’re not just being weird or clingy–you have needs that aren’t being met. And he probably does, too.

We haven’t done it lately, but at some point I installed some marriage books on the night stand and we were reading a page or two of John Gottman just before bed.

 

[Allegra]

You probably don’t satisfy him in any way anymore. He probably thinks you’re lazy (might be true or not)and perhaps you’re a fat slob (just being honest). He may even resent you. My advice? stop homeschooling, get a part time job and work on your looks. You’ll probably see a difference in how you are treated. I see you are working on your looks, that is a start. You probably don’t stimulate him intellectually, this is why you need outside activities.

What the heck?

This doesn’t even merit an answer.

 

[Allegra]

OP here,

Thank you all for coming to my defense against the nasty, assuming posts.

Originally, I thought it was strictly because of work stress that caused him to be distant. He is constantly dealing with work issues even when he’s returned home from work. BUT – he was also distant when we went on a family vacation for a week last month. No warm, loving affections from him. Not even a “you look nice in that dress/bathing suit/skirt.” The vacation was pretty carefree and so it wasn’t as if he was preoccupied with the stresses of work. Although I think it may/can contribute somehow at times.

And just for the record, I don’t have a problem with my looks. I just happen to “need” him to let me know that I am still appealing to him. I admit that I am overly sensitive and my view of myself is really completely tied to what he thinks about me. As I should, since I only want to be pleasing to my husband.

As for being a big, fat slob – that is not the case here. I know that I have a nice appearance to the public. I am petite and look like I never had children. Other men have looked and I have no interest in their opinions. However, he has had a particular “favored” part of me that I “lost” with my weight loss. I’m trying desperately to work on that body part.

At one point while out in public, another man was looking at me and when my husband noticed THEN he attempted to compliment me. It felt so shallow as if he was reminded that other men may find me attractive.

I know that I shouldn’t base my life around his affirmation or lack thereof, but it is so hard to be dismissed as just a housewife there to build his ego up while mine is overlooked.

Peace.

+JMJ+

I agree with other posters that you might benefit from looking into the love languages stuff. Also, there could be truth in the idea that your husband’s testosterone might be declining , and that’s easy to speak to the doctor about. However, I have a third suggestion as well. It seems to me that you are a little too much invested with your husband’s opinion of your appearance. I presume your intention is for this marriage to go for the long haul, and that means you need to find things to love about each other than how you look because people tend to get mushy and wrinkled when they get old. It’s quite possible that your husband loves any number of things about you much more than the shape of your tooshie. He might even be trying to communicate this to you, but you are missing it because you are so focused on how you look.

 

[pensmama87]

I agree with other posters that you might benefit from looking into the love languages stuff. Also, there could be truth in the idea that your husband’s testosterone might be declining , and that’s easy to speak to the doctor about. However, I have a third suggestion as well. It seems to me that you are a little too much invested with your husband’s opinion of your appearance. I presume your intention is for this marriage to go for the long haul, and that means you need to find things to love about each other than how you look because people tend to get mushy and wrinkled when they get old. It’s quite possible that your husband loves any number of things about you much more than the shape of your tooshie. He might even be trying to communicate this to you, but you are missing it because you are so focused on how you look.

I agree with this.

I am younger, but I used to be significantly overweight. When I lost that weight, it was hard for me for a while to realize that my husband was not magically going to start giving me all the compliments on my appearance that I wanted. It’s just not the way that he is. “You look nice” and the occasional inappropriate grab are the best I’m going to do. He does, however, show love in other ways, and I make sure to latch onto those (and they are abundant, now that I know what to look for!)

(I don’t feel, though, that the steps I’ve made toward improving my health are not worth it - actually I feel really, really good for being 40 weeks pregnant in a way that I did not feel at all with babies #1 and #2 - and I am more physically capable and found a form of recreation that I really like. And even if my husband doesn’t say anything, I do feel more confident when I can dress in something that actually looks attractive when we go out, and I’m sure that affects things.)