Married, so why do I "feel" lonely?

[bitterhope]

Pensmama, something you said needs to be repeated over and over again—find how our spouses show their love and latch on to that. I understand that the ways we feel love may be different, but it should still mean a lot to us when love is shown in different ways. By acknowledging the love we notice, our spouses are encouraged to keep it up. When we miss those signs or we make it known that those signs aren’t enough (and yes, all married women have gone through this), they get discouraged and start to give up. I really doubt it has as much to do with your appearance as you feel it does. Husbands often pick up on our negative emotions. Men are fixers and if they can’t figure out how to fix something they pull back. It hurts them. He knows you are lonely but he doesn’t know what to do about it. Combined with the stress of his job, stress of family (even if we love it!), and the stress of feeling inadequate to make you feel his love, he is probably overwhelmed. Men don’t like to admit feelings of inadequacy. He may opt not to go to counseling because he is afraid you are “over him” or because you no longer want to be his wife. He might be trying to show you how much he loves you by service–yard work and handy man stuff. Thank him for that and tell him you appreciate the things he does for the family. Ask him what you can do for him in return. Give him some time to warm up to the idea that you are accepting of his love and maybe he might be more open to showing his love in more ways. Another thing is that you’ve been changing lots of things about you. These are not bad things and it is not at all wrong, but he may be taking that along with your asking for therapy mixed with your loneliness and thinking that you are pulling away from him. I remember one deployment I decided to send some suggestive letters to my husband. These weren’t X rated or anything like that, just extra flirtatious. It’s also not like me to do so. He felt very uncomfortable because That’s not like me and therefore not like his wife. He did tell me that at first he enjoyed it, but then it just felt weird and kind of made him mad. Thankfully he was able to tell me that instead of holding it in, but lots of people don’t express those things. Men are especially bad about not talking about emotions.

 

[Irishmom2]

Pensmama, something you said needs to be repeated over and over again—find how our spouses show their love and latch on to that. I understand that the ways we feel love may be different, but it should still mean a lot to us when love is shown in different ways. By acknowledging the love we notice, our spouses are encouraged to keep it up. When we miss those signs or we make it known that those signs aren’t enough (and yes, all married women have gone through this), they get discouraged and start to give up. I really doubt it has as much to do with your appearance as you feel it does. Husbands often pick up on our negative emotions. Men are fixers and if they can’t figure out how to fix something they pull back. It hurts them. He knows you are lonely but he doesn’t know what to do about it. Combined with the stress of his job, stress of family (even if we love it!), and the stress of feeling inadequate to make you feel his love, he is probably overwhelmed. Men don’t like to admit feelings of inadequacy. He may opt not to go to counseling because he is afraid you are “over him” or because you no longer want to be his wife. He might be trying to show you how much he loves you by service–yard work and handy man stuff. Thank him for that and tell him you appreciate the things he does for the family. Ask him what you can do for him in return. Give him some time to warm up to the idea that you are accepting of his love and maybe he might be more open to showing his love in more ways. Another thing is that you’ve been changing lots of things about you. These are not bad things and it is not at all wrong, but he may be taking that along with your asking for therapy mixed with your loneliness and thinking that you are pulling away from him. I remember one deployment I decided to send some suggestive letters to my husband. These weren’t X rated or anything like that, just extra flirtatious. It’s also not like me to do so. He felt very uncomfortable because That’s not like me and therefore not like his wife. He did tell me that at first he enjoyed it, but then it just felt weird and kind of made him mad. Thankfully he was able to tell me that instead of holding it in, but lots of people don’t express those things. Men are especially bad about not talking about emotions.

Excellent post.

 

[jmj777]

Thank you bitterhope. Although I have never read the book, I realize his love language is service and he has shown his love through working many hours for the family.

I know that I’m being completely unreasonable by needing something he cannot give me. I wish I could just turn it off like a switch. I must train myself to live with and accept how he shows love. It’s been like this for the better part of our marriage and I guess now is when I have reached my tipping point.

I must accept him for who he is and take his good qualities over anything I may wish him to be/ say/ do. Thank you for opening my eyes. Slightly bittersweet, I have to say.

I truly thank you ***all ***for taking the time to answer my post. It really means a lot to me that perfect strangers would reach out with comforting and reassuring words when I needed them most. You will all be in my prayers. May God bless you!

Peace.

+JMJ+

 

[jmjZelie]

Thank you bitterhope. Although I have never read the book, I realize his love language is service and he has shown his love through working many hours for the family.

I know that I’m being completely unreasonable by needing something he cannot give me. I wish I could just turn it off like a switch. I must train myself to live with and accept how he shows love. It’s been like this for the better part of our marriage and I guess now is when I have reached my tipping point.

I must accept him for who he is and take his good qualities over anything I may wish him to be/ say/ do. Thank you for opening my eyes. Slightly bittersweet, I have to say.

I truly thank you ***all ***for taking the time to answer my post. It really means a lot to me that perfect strangers would reach out with comforting and reassuring words when I needed them most. You will all be in my prayers. May God bless you!

Peace.

+JMJ+

Oh your post sounds so sad. I am worried that you have gotten the wrong message from those of us who have posted concerning love languages. Just as your husband has a love language, so do you. Each of you needs to try to speak the love language of the other, while ALSO learning to appreciate the love language that is most natural to the other. It is a way of growing toward each other, and together growing toward Christ, who made your husband AND you with your beautiful love languages.

If you speak the language of physical touch, then you can go and express affection that way. But also, try to pepper your week with acts of service to speak your husband’s language.

If your husband speaks service as his primary language, remind yourself each and every time that he does an act of service that he is saying I love you! And tell him how much you appreciate his serving you in love. Then give him a kiss or wait for the next time you can sit together and snuggle up to him and ask for him to hold you close.

Then both of you are learning to speak fluently in each other’s language. There are no love language mismatches in marriage, only temporary miscommunications. God in His wisdom has designed multiple temperaments and multiple love languages to show forth His infinite perfection through His finite creatures. Properly understood, it is a thing of beauty that adds flavor to a marriage, and should not be a source of despair. I suggest you read the book, and then each day, tell your husband the interesting things you have learned (unless he also wants to read it along with you…my husband and I work better if I read the books and summarize them for him and then we discuss how to put them into practice…we call them experiments).

Please don’t be sad or despairing about this. Remember that hidden within every crisis is a kernel of opportunity. God bless you abundantly. Saying a prayer for you this morning!

 

[Xantippe]

Oh your post sounds so sad. I am worried that you have gotten the wrong message from those of us who have posted concerning love languages. Just as your husband has a love language, so do you. Each of you needs to try to speak the love language of the other, while ALSO learning to appreciate the love language that is most natural to the other. It is a way of growing toward each other, and together growing toward Christ, who made your husband AND you with your beautiful love languages.

If you speak the language of physical touch, then you can go and express affection that way. But also, try to pepper your week with acts of service to speak your husband’s language.

If your husband speaks service as his primary language, remind yourself each and every time that he does an act of service that he is saying I love you! And tell him how much you appreciate his serving you in love. Then give him a kiss or wait for the next time you can sit together and snuggle up to him and ask for him to hold you close.

Then both of you are learning to speak fluently in each other’s language.

Yes!

It doesn’t mean resigning yourself to never having your husband speak in your “language,” but you should learn to understand his language.

Also, he may just be so tired and worn out by his responsibilities that he can barely speak any love language, and that’s worth working on, too.

 

[Momof9inFL]

Try some afternoon together time.

My husband will sometime come home in the afternoon to surprise me!!

 

[EasterJoy]

You probably don’t satisfy him in any way anymore. He probably thinks you’re lazy (might be true or not)and perhaps you’re a fat slob (just being honest). He may even resent you. My advice? stop homeschooling, get a part time job and work on your looks. You’ll probably see a difference in how you are treated. I see you are working on your looks, that is a start. You probably don’t stimulate him intellectually, this is why you need outside activities.

Yes it was rough but I had the same thing happen to me. An old friend has a wife who is a sahm who homeschools and he’s not attracted to her. He keeps emailing me telling me how he finds her unattractive. Not just looks but intellectual. **He’s stressed and she adds to it. I asked how he would feel better and he said if she lost weight and developed outside activities. He’s looking for a mistress **because of it.

Like I said, I had a friend complain about this wife so it’s more common than you think. It could be coincidence but after dealing with my friend (who keeps wanting to have an affair with me)nothing surprises me. The fact is many men need intellectual stimulation and if they aren’t getting it from the wife they’ll get it elsewhere. That’s why the wife needs outside hobbies, like a job, college or something. My friend’s wife doesn’t do anything but take care of the kids, cook and clean.

Well, not everybody is the obnoxious guy you know. (I don’t suppose you challenged your friend on his self-centered attitude?)

Has the OP asked her not to homeschool? No. Has he said she’s not attractive? No. Why would you put such awful words in his mouth? Alright, so why don’t we stay on the topic of the OP and not drag in the story of someone in a different situation?

I agree but it is what it is. He only married her because she was what he was seeking: a submissive housewife. In reality he was always in love with me and he knew this was never an option so he found her. He shouldn’t have married her but he did. He’s not Catholic, but Fundamentalist Baptist. I’ve blocked him but no doubt he’s doing it to other women.

No, actually we never dated. He wanted to date me but because I never had an interest in being a SAHM he waited hoping I changed. i never did so he looked for someone like that. I was never interested in him at all.

That is what you meant by “always in love with you”? Why would imagine he was EVER in in love with you? He doesn’t sound capable of it. You don’t post as if either one of you has the first idea what love is.

He’s not Catholic and I don’t talk to him anymore. I don’t know if the OP is a fat slob and lazy but this is why my friend (well I really don’t talk to him anymore)lost interest in his wife. Men are visual creatures and if he’s not attracted to his wife he may go elsewhere. I don’t agree but I know a lot of strippers and guess who most of their customers are? married men. So yes it is possible her husband feels this way. It’s harsh but reality. It’s why she may consider outside activities.

Read the original post. The OP has lost a lot of weight.

She said I was a mean person. That’s name calling. Actually I was trying to be nice, I suggested her developing outside activities which is essential for intellectual growth.

If the bolded things are the way you talk when you “try to be nice,” I’d hate to see your posts when you are trying to be nasty.

I didn’t call her a fat slob, I said her husband MIGHT think this. I don’t know, otherwise I would have said she was a fat slob. Semantics.

No. Not just semantics. Many examples of gross insensitivity. You are educated enough to know the difference.

…maybe she never bathes…

Wow. You never quit, do you? That hole you’ve dug for yourself doesn’t feel deep enough yet, hmmm?

No I don’t flirt with married men. I don’t seek attention from men at all since most aren’t worthy of me.

OK, now I know you have to be trolling. Nobody could insult so many people in such a short amount of time without trying.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Well, not everybody is the obnoxious guy you know. (I don’t suppose you challenged your friend on his self-centered attitude?)

Has the OP asked her not to homeschool? No. Has he said she’s not attractive? No. Why would you put such awful words in his mouth? Alright, so why don’t we stay on the topic of the OP and not drag in the story of someone in a different situation?

That is what you meant by “always in love with you”? Why would imagine he was EVER in in love with you? He doesn’t sound capable of it. You don’t post as if either one of you has the first idea what love is.

Read the original post. The OP has lost a lot of weight.

If the bolded things are the way you talk when you “try to be nice,” I’d hate to see your posts when you are trying to be nasty.

No. Not just semantics. Many examples of gross insensitivity. You are educated enough to know the difference.

Wow. You never quit, do you? That hole you’ve dug for yourself doesn’t feel deep enough yet, hmmm?

OK, now I know you have to be trolling. Nobody could insult so many people in such a short amount of time without trying.

Must be itching for a fight. I know what love is, and I know I never loved him. He was fixated on me. His wife is lazy and sloppy and I can see why he seeks other women. I’m not interested in him. Not trolling, being honest because many people get bored with spouses who don’t have outside hobbies. People in general without outside hobbies are boring people I avoid.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you bitterhope. Although I have never read the book, I realize his love language is service and he has shown his love through working many hours for the family.

I know that I’m being completely unreasonable by needing something he cannot give me. I wish I could just turn it off like a switch. I must train myself to live with and accept how he shows love. It’s been like this for the better part of our marriage and I guess now is when I have reached my tipping point.

I must accept him for who he is and take his good qualities over anything I may wish him to be/ say/ do. Thank you for opening my eyes. Slightly bittersweet, I have to say.

I truly thank you ***all ***for taking the time to answer my post. It really means a lot to me that perfect strangers would reach out with comforting and reassuring words when I needed them most. You will all be in my prayers. May God bless you!

Peace.

+JMJ+

Someone mentioned a mistress, which reminded me of a joke. Did you hear why the research scientist took a mistress? Well, you see, now he can tell his wife he is with his mistress, he can tell his mistress he is with his wife, and he can spend more time in lab!!

Seriously, though–your husband has a stressful job. He liked it when you dressed in a more alluring way, but it didn’t exactly turn his interest on a dime. It got his attention briefly, and it was back to the same thing. You’re married 15 years, so he sounds like he’s in the rough neighborhood of 40 years old. Well, when a man gets to be over 35 and he’s all wrapped up in work, it can lower his libido. It can lower it A LOT.

I am not a huge fan of Marriage Encounter–it can open some cans of worms without helping the couples know what to do with them–but I do know many couples who were in more or less your situation. The wives dragged their husbands to an Encounter Weekend, practically kicking and screaming. Some of the husbands said, “You go, tell me what you learn.” Others literally tried to pay their wives off in order to get out of it. They all came home with these little boy grins and very attentive and “it was the best thing we ever did.” The effect lasted for years. I don’t know what happened, but I have seen this a lot with couples who I’m going to presume still loved each other and didn’t need much but some force-fed communication, which is essentially what Marriage Encounter weekends provide.

To answer your first question: When one or both spouses is immersed in very demanding work, what you are describing is not unusual. The spouse who is less immersed or who enjoys whatever he or she is immersed in less gets lonely first. That doesn’t mean you aren’t really suffering or that you ought to just suck it up. Something needs to change. I would not conclude that your husband doesn’t love you, though. The tragic thing is that too many men don’t catch on to how lonely their wife is until she just can’t take it any more. Then they’re blindsided by how close they are to a divorce. You are very right not to want to let things get to that point.

In other words, this is serious, but I doubt if the problem is that your husband doesn’t value you any more. The problem is that he doesn’t appreciate how bad you are feeling or avoids the problem because he doesn’t know what he can do to change it. I’d start with Marriage Encounter, who knows it could be just the catalyst you need. Get some help, though, and don’t give up until things get better. You and he need to learn how to deal with your individual stresses together. It won’t solve all your problems, but it will help you feel you are not alone in dealing with them.

 

[EasterJoy]

Must be itching for a fight. I know what love is, and I know I never loved him. He was fixated on me. His wife is lazy and sloppy and I can see why he seeks other women. I’m not interested in him. Not trolling, being honest because many people get bored with spouses who don’t have outside hobbies. People in general without outside hobbies are boring people I avoid.

Let us forget about this acquaintance, since you’ve blocked him and he is not “worthy” of you. Nothing to be gained by going there.

As for the OP, you’ve made your point. It is irrelevant, and the way you are making it is insensitive. Drop it.