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Irishmom2
Guest
Yes!
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SuperHappy
Guest
I think you are being a bit unrealistic about how the work world is; taking up space for ten years, even when working extra time, does not equal being promoted. In every level of work, a person must show maturity, ability to lead, good communication skills, and a drive to succeed. If your husband truly acts the way you say he does, I doubt that he changes that when he is at work. If he were on track for manager, he would be almost there after 10years. It makes no sense to stay in a low-paying job for so long, waiting around. His reputation there is already made, he may have to change jobs to be able to move up.Yes! It’s sort of exciting.
In response to several posts about the income, I do consider his income to be very modest for our circumstances. But I am very confident a promotion will come. And after that eventually another promotion. That’s how companies generally work - he’s already been there 10 years with no plans on leaving, so he will climb the ladder. I’ve noticed that often with less ambitious hardworking individuals, other people eventually insist they accept some recompense. Besides, they’ve been talking about a promotion since July. It may be slow to come but it will with the way they’re talking. He was promoted once before and that one was a more desperate situation because he had been making 28k and that’s just not enough. Now he makes more and it’s workable. My problem isn’t really with his income. It’s more about priorities. If we were on a budget it would be like a promotion, as Dave says. But if we can’t budget now when it’s so obvious we need to, then I have my doubts about going to work to bring in more money to mismanage, especially if half will go to childcare.
If 40,000 that you can make is more than he is already making, then I don’t understand why you would hesitate to help yourself. You need to be looking toward the future for you and your children.
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SuperHappy
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That’s exactly what I am talking about.
OP has to wake up and see reality. She complains about staying home with her kids, about not having any extra money, about how her husband rants and raves and threatens to throw her out on the streets. So she needs take action and be to be ready. It will be much harder to get a job and find daycare if she does not have a place to live and is left struggling. A job will help her and her children to avoid that situation and give her some much needed piece of mind.
OP can only do what she can do, nobody else can do it for her.
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columbkille77
Guest
Of course she still got to keep this third child’s income. Pretty convenient, huh?
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Xantippe
Guest
You think that child support equals 100% of income?
I don’t think it works that way.
At least back in 2010, the Census found that the average monthly child support payment in the US was $430 a month.
census.gov/newsroom/releases/archives/children/cb12-109.html
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columbkille77
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Sorry. My post was an uncharitable response to what I thought was an uncharitable post. I am aware that child support is not 100% of income.
Working a full time job in today’s economy and providing for a family is difficult. We ought to be more respectful of people who make those sacrifices, even if they are flawed in other ways. I was simply pointing out that this man is providing more value than was initially suggested – after all, the divorced wife could have disclaimed child support and raised the kids solely with her own income, but I highly doubt she chose to do that. It is not accurate or charitable to call him a third child but still rely on his income. In fact, it’s arguably hypocritical.
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DarkLight
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Having a full time job doesn’t excuse acting like a child and expecting your wife to take care of you in other areas of your life. You marry a woman and have kids with her, you should expect to be taking care of your kids and not making your wife take care of you at home. It’s no easy task to stay at home with children either - and what happens here is that while the husband at least gets down-time from work, the wife is expected to be on-duty 24/7. That’s childish no matter how you slice it.
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columbkille77
Guest
Marriage is a partnership and requires both the husband and wife to sacrifice for each other. If only one party is willing to make such sacrifices, or if neither is, the marriage will suffer. In all of this we agree.
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ConfusedLucy
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This guy needs to learn how to manage his work life. One thing my mother taught me was that if you are regularly working overtime you probably aren’t working efficiently in your contracted hours. Maybe doesn’t apply to all jobs but something to consider.
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Catherinabird
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I’d be careful about blanketing that over all or even most jobs and situations where workers are working overtime regularly. Some jobs, companies, and employers are just that demanding, and the more you give the more they take. Also some workers dedicate more time than they need to because of their own self driven motivation. I’ve worked with several people who can’t set anything aside and take a break. They thrive on it. Even though there is no need for them to keep pushing. Some people enjoy it, some can’t seem to let go. I can think of many examples of all the above situations with friends, family, coworkers, and myself where working overtime had nothing to do with working efficiently. I can’t think of one real situation where someone was just not being efficient and had to stay late.
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ConfusedLucy
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Oh I wouldn’t apply to all jobs sometimes a long hours culture is just part of the job. However given that this guy isn’t progressing it strikes me that he is at best wasting his time and potentially sabotaging himself by coming across as inefficient. It’s not an admirable thing to do when it comes at such a cost to his family.
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guiltycatholic
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I’m on my way out the door to Mass so I can’t read through all the updates and comment on everything right now… but I just had to clarify some things.
What he said to me in anger was not serious threats. I’m not saying is ok to be that mean, but he would never seriously kick me out or abandon the family. He actually is a decent human being and had an incredibly immature reaction in a fight. I mentioned the things he said because I needed to vent and illustrate how immature he can be, that’s part of the struggle. But I believe I’ve mentioned more than once that that’s not the typical way he is. That was a terrible fight. And seriously? You can’t understand why I haven’t already taken total control of the family and finances? I’m trying to work WITH him. That’s why I came for Catholic advice.
I will have to answer more later.
What he said to me in anger was not serious threats. I’m not saying is ok to be that mean, but he would never seriously kick me out or abandon the family. He actually is a decent human being and had an incredibly immature reaction in a fight. I mentioned the things he said because I needed to vent and illustrate how immature he can be, that’s part of the struggle. But I believe I’ve mentioned more than once that that’s not the typical way he is. That was a terrible fight. And seriously? You can’t understand why I haven’t already taken total control of the family and finances? I’m trying to work WITH him. That’s why I came for Catholic advice.
I will have to answer more later.
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Xantippe
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It is a huge red flag that that’s what comes out of his mouth when he’s angry. As Jesus says in Matthew 12:34, “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”
So, I would not treat that lightly.
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DarkLight
Guest
The honest truth is that you can’t work with someone who isn’t willing to work with you. And that seems to be what’s happening here - you’re bending over backwards to accommodate someone who isn’t willing to bend at all. Don’t. Not because your desires aren’t noble, but because it simply doesn’t work. What some people need are clear firm boundaries - “If you do X, I will do Y.” The aforementioned getting a babysitter is an example of a boundary. Another boundary would be “If you don’t commit to saving money, I will get a job and start my own bank account.”
Right now he’s pushing because he knows that at the end of the day he can get his own way with no consequences. What you need to do is start changing that.
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guiltycatholic
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Ok, so I have some updates and clarifications.
- His promotion came through and he is now at $60k!! I was pretty sure this was imminent from the way they were talking. Walmart gets a bad rap but it’s a good company when you’re committed. I think him working long hours is a good indication of his commitment. I didn’t mean to imply that he was spending long hours at work doing nothing. He’s just not as eager to promote as I would be, or I think most people, and he’s been a lot more “patient” than most would be. A few years ago he would not have considered moving out of our home town where we were born and raised, and turned down opportunities because of that. He’s come a long way and is now willing. The actual move date is yet to be determined.
- We argued a few more times and more issues came out. He has a lot of resentment regarding my home business. It’s one of those direct sales companies, which I consider a business and he considers a hobby that I put above the family. He feels that I get to play all the time with this hobby while he’s at work. I’d like to reach an understanding on this.
- We reached a kind of resolution. I finally told him how I’m thinking of going to work in stenography. At first he was very opposed to the idea and was upset that I am changing the agreement we had made. I told him it was just a possibility to consider, if it was going to work better for the family. He realized how serious I am and I think he wasn’t able to take me for granted as much. He apologized for his earlier remarks and told me how he loves me and appreciates me and wants to make a life together that works for both of us. He has stopped avoiding me and sleeping on the couch and acting passive aggressive. My counseling session is still on for Tuesday.
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guiltycatholic
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- We have committed to having a “morning meeting” with each other at 6am every day so there will be one aspect of life that doesn’t revolve around his work schedule. We will have time alone together, pray and read scripture together, and discuss plans for the day. Try to get on the same page and hold each other accountable. I hope this will go a long way to improving things since a primary problem is lack of time together and his insistence on sleeping in/sleeping till he has to go to work. I think it will also help with his apparent adult adhd and keep his eyes in the prize (saving $, prioritizing family) He gets complacent easily so a daily reminder may be what he needs. He dreams lofty dreams with me but kind of forgets when he sees cool stuff at the store or gets invited to go gambling with his friends. If we can refocus each morning and he knows he will meet with me again the next morning, I think it will help.
- He only started going out so much at the beginning of this year. He’s always had trouble controlling his spending but that might be gifts for friends, family, or us. It’s not only on himself every time, not until this year. Our lives have changed dramatically several times over the past 5 years. Two children, my major medical diagnosis with ensuing treatments and implication for marriage and daily life, two promotions, moving house, etc. This isn’t an excuse for our problems, but it does explain how things can get so far without receiving attention. I don’t think after everything we’ve been through together I should just write him off as unwilling to work with me. 5 years does feel like eternity to wait sometimes, but it’s a short time in the overall perspective of marriage. I’m ONLY interested in making this life work WITH him, since our vows were to love and honor through good and bad. He’s not perfect and I’m not either. I once threw a corn on the cob at him during an argument! (Funny now) But if we can learn to communicate differently, if I have to get a job and separate bank account, if I have to hold him accountable every morning for the rest of my life… I am willing to change my plans to make this marriage work. There are too many good things I would have to discount to give up on him. I think if he understood and supported my needs, that would be greatly preferable to me just sticking it to him and getting my way. I guess the end result looks the same, but it feels very different and I’m not sure getting my way would be worth it if I had to do that to get it. That’s what’s exciting to me - the possibility of things actually changing, a light at the end of the tunnel. The affirmation that I’m not asking too much and that a reasonable ma’am might be able to be convinced. The thought of being able to pick up my “career” someday is exciting. The thought of having more income, having some control over our expenses, just the POSSIBILITY that I’m not trapped and totally dependent, that I have some leverage in life. That’s what’s exciting.
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guiltycatholic
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Man* not ma’am
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pensmama87
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Sounds like good progress!
You may not like to hear it, but he is completely right about the direct sales. Unless you have a LOT of downline, you probably are not actually making any money. Check out pinktruth.com as one resource on these types of businesses and how they operate.
You may not like to hear it, but he is completely right about the direct sales. Unless you have a LOT of downline, you probably are not actually making any money. Check out pinktruth.com as one resource on these types of businesses and how they operate.
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Xantippe
Guest
Yes.
Part of setting a good personal finance example to your husband may involve shutting down the business. Make sure you’re actually making money doing this direct sales thing.
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Catherinabird
Guest
Ah, gotcha. I see what you’re saying.
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