Married to a high schooler

[Lou2U]

Yes, I’ve gotten used to disproportionate reactions from him. He’s usually a VERY calm, good-humored and easygoing guy, but when he does snap, it’s bad. He fights dirty but yes, that’s just the way he grew up and learned to do it. I’m not saying it’s “ok” or anything, obviously I wish it were different. But I understand why he reacted that way. Because he feels like I’m telling him that what he’s doing isn’t good enough, that he’s not good enough. Now, that’s not the way I would have taken it, but I can see how he took it that way. He tends to take my words and read into them and latch on to his perspective without trying to understand what I’m actually saying. So when I told him things aren’t working for me and I need some help, he took it as a personal attack on him. He brought up every nice thing he’s ever done for me and felt like I was discounting all of that. Even if I told him otherwise, he wasn’t able to hear me anymore. He got his feelings hurt first thing and then totally engaged his emotions with no more rational thought. So it makes sense that if he was believing the thoughts he was telling himself, then he would react so strongly. He translated my words into, “You’re worthless, you’ve never done anything right in our marriage, I expect you do everything for me and I’m just going to take from now on.” If I’d said that, his reaction wouldn’t have been as disproportionate, and it doesn’t matter what I actually said if that’s what he heard.

And I admit that, even though I stayed completely calm and didn’t yell or cry or lecture, I refused to walk away. I know this drives him crazy but when we don’t resolve a conflict, he literally forgets about it and acts like nothing ever happened. I know I won’t see him the rest of the week because of work, and then basically all this “blows over” and he sees no problem. So I bring it up again and the same cycle repeats. This pattern has happened countless times in our marriage. We never actually move into the resolution phase. I’m sick of it so I kind of cornered him and refused to let it go. Not thatt that helped either. The counselor told us years ago that when he needs a break to cool down in an argument, that’s fine but he needs to come up with a day/time that he promises to come back and address it. And last night he point blank told me he wasn’t going to come back to it because the solution is just for me to deal with it.

Xantippe and Pensmama’s advice is excellent. Your husband can’t keep running away and burying his head in the sand when he doesn’t like something. Still get a sitter and go to counseling - maybe if he sees you won’t back down, he’ll realise something has to change.

Lou

 

[guiltycatholic]

This. Definitely go to counseling, even if he won’t go with you.

Lou

Ok I think y’all have convinced me to see a counselor. I will go to someone in town, even though they aren’t Catholic, just so it’s doable. Earlier on in our relationship I used to overreact more because the reality of marriage wasn’t what I expected and I was more needy and insecure. I know I’ve grown a lot since then but I’m still always second guessing if it really is that bad or if I’m just dramatic or too sensitive.
Maybe I should include that I made the mistake last night of trying to propose a solution to our problem (the babysitting in exchange for 60 hours at work) without listening to his side. The truth is I was just trying to avoid a conflict. I didn’t want to hear his side, and I didn’t want to tell him my side, I just wanted to propose a solution and be done. So that’s part of what set him off, because I wasn’t willing to listen to him tell me all his feelings about it. I know that’s not very loving, I’m just so OVER caring about how this might affect his feelings. I want to say II’m not asking you, I’m telling you!

 

[Xantippe]

Ok I think y’all have convinced me to see a counselor. I will go to someone in town, even though they aren’t Catholic, just so it’s doable. Earlier on in our relationship I used to overreact more because the reality of marriage wasn’t what I expected and I was more needy and insecure. I know I’ve grown a lot since then but I’m still always second guessing if it really is that bad or if I’m just dramatic or too sensitive.
Maybe I should include that I made the mistake last night of trying to propose a solution to our problem (the babysitting in exchange for 60 hours at work) without listening to his side. The truth is I was just trying to avoid a conflict. I didn’t want to hear his side, and I didn’t want to tell him my side, I just wanted to propose a solution and be done. So that’s part of what set him off, because I wasn’t willing to listen to him tell me all his feelings about it. I know that’s not very loving, I’m just so OVER caring about how this might affect his feelings.** I want to say II’m not asking you, I’m telling you!**/QUOTE]

I think that’s perfectly acceptable.

This isn’t about him–this is about your needs.

 

[Lou2U]

Ok I think y’all have convinced me to see a counselor. I will go to someone in town, even though they aren’t Catholic, just so it’s doable. Earlier on in our relationship I used to overreact more because the reality of marriage wasn’t what I expected and I was more needy and insecure. I know I’ve grown a lot since then but I’m still always second guessing if it really is that bad or if I’m just dramatic or too sensitive.
Maybe I should include that I made the mistake last night of trying to propose a solution to our problem (the babysitting in exchange for 60 hours at work) without listening to his side. The truth is I was just trying to avoid a conflict. I didn’t want to hear his side, and I didn’t want to tell him my side, I just wanted to propose a solution and be done. So that’s part of what set him off, because I wasn’t willing to listen to him tell me all his feelings about it. I know that’s not very loving, I’m just so OVER caring about how this might affect his feelings. I want to say II’m not asking you, I’m telling you!

Good for you! I think you’ve done enough listening - it’s his turn.

Lou

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t think the counselor needs to be Catholic if they are at all competent.

This is a fairness issue and it’s really not that hard. Don’t let you telling him that you’re getting a sitter so you can go get new tennis shoes or see the dentist turn into a discussion of the time you burnt a meatloaf in 2011 or how you got him a bucket of caramel corn for Christmas last year and then ate it all.

 

[pensmama87]

I don’t think the counselor needs to be Catholic if they are at all competent.

This is a fairness issue and it’s really not that hard. Don’t let you telling him that you’re getting a sitter so you can go get new tennis shoes or see the dentist turn into a discussion of the time you burnt a meatloaf in 2011 or how you got him a bucket of caramel corn for Christmas last year and then ate it all.

Right.

 

[1ke]

Yes, I’ve gotten used to disproportionate reactions from him.

And this is the problem. You’ve been on the receiving end of emotional abuse for so long you have come to accept it as normal. It’s NOT normal.

This pattern has happened countless times in our marriage.

The counselor told us years ago

Ain’t nothing going to change, honey. Nothing. Nada. It’s time to do what you know needs doing before he extinguishes that one little spark inside you that KNOWS this is total cr*p, that little part of you who reached out here so that SOMEONE would tell you:

You aren’t crazy
He is
Get out while you still can

I mean, he is looney tunes, honey.

 

[DarkLight]

And this is the problem. You’ve been on the receiving end of emotional abuse for so long you have come to accept it as normal. It’s NOT normal.

Ain’t nothing going to change, honey. Nothing. Nada. It’s time to do what you know needs doing before he extinguishes that one little spark inside you that KNOWS this is total cr*p, that little part of you who reached out here so that SOMEONE would tell you:

You aren’t crazy
He is
Get out while you still can

I mean, he is looney tunes, honey.

This is why you really need a counselor. There’s some MAJOR red flags here going on. As 1ke said, this is considered abusive behavior.

A counselor can help you retune your idea of what is and is not normal. Your husband’s behavior is not normal.

 

[Lou2U]

This is why you really need a counselor. There’s some MAJOR red flags here going on. As 1ke said, this is considered abusive behavior.

A counselor can help you retune your idea of what is and is not normal. Your husband’s behavior is not normal.

Lou

 

[1inICXC]

I agree with you seeing counseling and getting a sitter but the reality is that neither of these will solve the issues because HE is the problem and you cannot change or replace him.

The more I read the more I have to say this sounds to me like an impossible situation. I would recommend praying your heart out, offering every form of sacrifice possible AND asking your children to do so as well (provided they are old enough to pray or to offer up a candy or so). Like St. John Vianney said, next to the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, the greatest form of prayer is that of children.

When my husband would have one of those periods when he was working too much, sometimes the kids would tell him: daddy, we are going to fast from desert or say a decade so that you can work less and spend more time playing with us. Usually that melted him and it was SO much better than me telling him to come home and spend time with the kids. Again, I don’t know how old your kids are, if they’re too young now, in a couple of years at least.

I admire how well you are keeping it together but I do believe intense prayer will be a game-changer.

 

[1inICXC]

I’ve been thinking about role models too. Unfortunately my husband chooses not to participate in the men’s groups at our parish, even when he’s off work for them which is rare. Even when he used to go, he’s not the kind to open up at all so he wouldn’t get any help he needs. But at least he’d hear from other men who are trying to do good too. But he refuses to go. He’s not interested in “self help” or counseling and refuses to talk to the priest. The priest would refer us to a counselor (has in the past) who is about an hour away from us, and he simply refuses to go. It becomes another scheduling conflict. I can go by myself and I may do that.
The bad thing is that my husband chooses friends who are single men around the age of 20 who live with their parents and main interests include rock concerts, drinking, video games, and women. My father is totally uninvolved and closed off. His dad is a friendly alcoholic who never really grew up. (Hubby’s parents were teenagers when he was born, and they’ve kind of stayed in the same place through the years)
His influences are just depressing, but there’s nothing I can do about that. He finds no connection with “family men” and doesn’t befriend them.

This is why I think constant prayer and faith in the Lord are the only options left. Our role models, our history, our rearing , our entourage is much more powerful than our spouse’s words, but God is much more powerful than all the above.

 

[phil19034]

Quick question: you do not say what he does at Walmart. His is in management?

In today’s business world, there is a lot expected of low / mid level managers if they want to succeed. The job description might not mention any of the things you were mentioning he does, but those are the things managers often have to do if they want to get promoted and make more money.

The fact that you are a single income family can be very stressful for your husband. Not that he wants you to work, but that he feels the responsibly and the weight of that responsibility. I’m sure he wants you to continue to be able to say home and take care of the kids, I’m sure he wants to be able to afford to send them to college, etc.

It’s very hard to make it today on one salary, and that can weigh on a man’s mind.

I know this from experience. My wife stays at home with our two children (they are 5 and 1) and it can be very stressful for me. I often stay late (even though I’m salary) because I need to get things done. I want to be able to receive the largest raise each year I can because we live pay check to pay check, and often have to tap into savings.

Sometimes I need stress relievers (similar to his bowling, but I do stuff at the parish), because work is very stressful. I often feel that I’m not doing all I can at work. And while I know they don’t care about me, I want to do as well as possible for my family until I can find a better job/career.

Also, like most men, I don’t like to talk about work when I come home. I don’t like to share my concerns, issues, etc with my wife because it causes me more stress to discuss it. So, leave it at work and do everything I can to avoid discussing work with my wife because my house is my “safe place.”

In reading this, to me it sounds to me like you and your husband need better communication. I highly recommend that you both find a good Catholic therapist to speak with. You can see the person together and/or separately. I know it’s been very good for me to talk with a Catholic therapist, and I continue to do so every 2-4 weeks.

You can find a Catholic Therapist at catholictherapists.com/

If he won’t go, going will help you. BUT I HIGHLY INSIST THAT THE THERAPIST MUST BE A GOOD CATHOLIC!

Also, I would highly recommend attending a Retrouvaille weekend when possible. retrouvaille.org/ Perhaps you can convince him to attend over time.

 

[phil19034]

Yes, I’ve gotten used to disproportionate reactions from him. He’s usually a VERY calm, good-humored and easygoing guy, but when he does snap, it’s bad. He fights dirty but yes, that’s just the way he grew up and learned to do it. I’m not saying it’s “ok” or anything, obviously I wish it were different. But I understand why he reacted that way. Because he feels like I’m telling him that what he’s doing isn’t good enough, that he’s not good enough. Now, that’s not the way I would have taken it, but I can see how he took it that way. He tends to take my words and read into them and latch on to his perspective without trying to understand what I’m actually saying. So when I told him things aren’t working for me and I need some help, he took it as a personal attack on him. He brought up every nice thing he’s ever done for me and felt like I was discounting all of that. Even if I told him otherwise, he wasn’t able to hear me anymore. He got his feelings hurt first thing and then totally engaged his emotions with no more rational thought. So it makes sense that if he was believing the thoughts he was telling himself, then he would react so strongly. He translated my words into, “You’re worthless, you’ve never done anything right in our marriage, I expect you do everything for me and I’m just going to take from now on.” If I’d said that, his reaction wouldn’t have been as disproportionate, and it doesn’t matter what I actually said if that’s what he heard.

And I admit that, even though I stayed completely calm and didn’t yell or cry or lecture, I refused to walk away. I know this drives him crazy but when we don’t resolve a conflict, he literally forgets about it and acts like nothing ever happened. I know I won’t see him the rest of the week because of work, and then basically all this “blows over” and he sees no problem. So I bring it up again and the same cycle repeats. This pattern has happened countless times in our marriage. We never actually move into the resolution phase. I’m sick of it so I kind of cornered him and refused to let it go. Not thatt that helped either. The counselor told us years ago that when he needs a break to cool down in an argument, that’s fine but he needs to come up with a day/time that he promises to come back and address it. And last night he point blank told me he wasn’t going to come back to it because the solution is just for me to deal with it.

This sounds 99% like the way I was, and still can be with my wife. The only difference is that I’m the one who was down for counseling. But when I was younger, I used to feel that therapy was only for weak people. I never thought I would be someone who would see a therapist.

Now, while I’m not a therapist, and I don’t know your husband, it sounds to me that he feels the weight of responsibility and the stress that goes along with it. Also, it sounds like he is not satisfied with his job (either doesn’t pay enough, is too stressful, not meaningful, doesn’t like what he does, and/or among other things).

Men can feel like a failure if they are not taking care of their family the way they envision they should be.

Do you let him know that you are proud of him? Because he might not be proud of himself. I know I’m not always proud of myself because of the mistakes I made in my past which have resulted in me not making more money to support my family.

For me, sometimes it can be very depressing and this burden can lead to depression. Sometimes I get depressed about work, or a lash out due to bottled up stress from work.

Sometimes I come home and it would make my day if my wife would simply give me a hug. No words, just a big hug to help my stress go away. But that’s not the way my wife is. She wants to talk about her stress. But often, I don’t want to hear about it when I come home because I want to relax and de-stress.

I would much rather hear about my wife’s issues after the kids are in bed or evening in the morning. And even better, hear about issues after we are intimate, but that never happens because my wife can’t be intimate when stressed. But for men like me, we want to be intimate when stressed.

I will pray for you and your husband. However, as per my previous post, please find a good Catholic therapist and see them. BTW - some of the therapists on CatholicTherapists.org will “see” you over the phone and/or over Apple Facetime, Skype, etc.

God Bless

 

[guiltycatholic]

Update: I searched and found free phone counseling that is offered to his company’s employees and their families. I have an appointment set for next Tuesday, their earliest availability. Not Catholic, but a starting point. I downloaded an app that lets me log his work hours so I don’t have to try to remember but I can follow through. He is still avoiding me and sleeping on the couch.
Some of the recent responses really don’t seem like they’ve read through the posts… understandable since this is so long now. I appreciate those of you who have read and counseled me and prayed for me.

 

[guiltycatholic]

This sounds 99% like the way I was, and still can be with my wife. The only difference is that I’m the one who was down for counseling. But when I was younger, I used to feel that therapy was only for weak people. I never thought I would be someone who would see a therapist.

Now, while I’m not a therapist, and I don’t know your husband, it sounds to me that he feels the weight of responsibility and the stress that goes along with it. Also, it sounds like he is not satisfied with his job (either doesn’t pay enough, is too stressful, not meaningful, doesn’t like what he does, and/or among other things).

Men can feel like a failure if they are not taking care of their family the way they envision they should be.

Do you let him know that you are proud of him? Because he might not be proud of himself. I know I’m not always proud of myself because of the mistakes I made in my past which have resulted in me not making more money to support my family.

For me, sometimes it can be very depressing and this burden can lead to depression. Sometimes I get depressed about work, or a lash out due to bottled up stress from work.

Sometimes I come home and it would make my day if my wife would simply give me a hug. No words, just a big hug to help my stress go away. But that’s not the way my wife is. She wants to talk about her stress. But often, I don’t want to hear about it when I come home because I want to relax and de-stress.

I would much rather hear about my wife’s issues after the kids are in bed or evening in the morning. And even better, hear about issues after we are intimate, but that never happens because my wife can’t be intimate when stressed. But for men like me, we want to be intimate when stressed.

I will pray for you and your husband. However, as per my previous post, please find a good Catholic therapist and see them. BTW - some of the therapists on CatholicTherapists.org will “see” you over the phone and/or over Apple Facetime, Skype, etc.

God Bless

You sound a lot like my husband. The problem is that while he’s feeling the weight of responsibility, so am I. Working is not more responsibility than homemaking and raising a family. Some days I just WISH I could punch in and out, have tasks delegated to me, and receive a paycheck! He provides for the family in ONE way, I provide for the family in EVERY OTHER WAY.
Whether or not he’s depressed or feels like a failure isn’t my responsibility - that’s his own issue to work through. I’m here to support him, love him and encourage him, which I do. If he’s so unhappy he should look for a different job, which my husband hasn’t, or try to get some help, which my husband hasn’t. It’s not okay for him to just transfer his burden onto me and not deal with it.
And if my husband comes home like you, expecting me to be there waiting solely for him and yet totally dismiss that I have also been living and working all day, that’s just not going to happen. Putting off meeting your wife’s needs until after your needs are met and the kids are in bed doesn’t sound like she’s a priority to you, it sounds like she’s last on the list if you get around to it. I’m a great listener to my husband, who brings work home all the time. That’s almost all he talks to me about, and I enjoy hearing about his day. Sometimes I listen as he vents and wait for him to ask about my day too, but my turn never comes around. If I want to vent and de-stress I just have to jump in there, and I think I should.
My husband is very competitive and sometimes when I talk about my day he sees it as a competition where he needs to show that his day was harder or longer or worse or whatever. I’m not interested in competing, especially not with him. You can’t compare apples and bananas. And having a job is not answering some call above and beyond your duties - almost everyone has a job and goes to work every day.
It’s amazing to me that some people actually believe that a husband has the right to expect to be preoccupied with work and his own feelings when he gets off, and de-stress as soon as he comes home, but his stay-at-home wife doesn’t have the right to vent and de-stress when her workday is “over”. He is even entitled to use her body to de-stress but it’s not okay for her to say, “I need emotional intimacy BEFORE I can have physical intimacy.” I’m sorry if I sound harsh but your post makes me think your wife has the same problem I do.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

Working hard to provide isn’t an excuse to check out of family life completely, you are supposed to be a team even if you do different tasks. I also wonder if the long hours are becoming counter productive and that’s why he isn’t progressing but is building up stress.

I am really glad you have some counselling planned. Praying for your family.

 

[Xantippe]

Working hard to provide isn’t an excuse to check out of family life completely, you are supposed to be a team even if you do different tasks. I also wonder if the long hours are becoming counter productive and that’s why he isn’t progressing but is building up stress.

I am really glad you have some counselling planned. Praying for your family.

Yeah, I also suspect that your husband’s hours and lifestyle are holding him back at work
If you were 50-year-old Walmart manager, would you promote a guy who lives like your husband does? He probably does not sound very mature to the older family-oriented boss types.

This is speculative and it probably would not be well received at this point, but the idea has crossed my mind. If he wants the big job, he needs to look and sound like the people who have the big job–not sound like the lower tier employees.

Also, if he’s staying up late consistently, his brain is probably not firing on all cylinders. Sleep deprivation makes you stupid.

“Sleep deprivation leaves the brain exhausted, so it can’t perform its duties well. The most obvious effect is sleepiness. You may find yourself yawning a lot and feeling sluggish. Lack of sleep interferes with your ability to concentrate and learn new things. It can negatively impact both short-term and long-term memory. It gets in the way of your decision-making process and stifles creativity. Your emotions are also affected, making you more likely to have a short temper and mood swings. Overall cognitive function is impaired.”

healthline.com/health/sleep-deprivation/effects-on-body

The “short temper” and “mood swings” also jumped out at me.

Lord knows it is hard enough to get enough sleep in a household with small children without staying out until all hours–your husband is really shooting himself in both feet with his lifestyle.

 

[1ke]

My husband is very competitive and sometimes when I talk about my day he sees it as a competition where he needs to show that his day was harder or longer or worse or whatever.

It may not be competitiveness. A lot of what you write has an air of personality disorder to it. I would never presume to try to armchair diagnose your husband. But there is something seriously wrong with him.

You need to talk to a professional before he bullies, gaslights, and emotionally abuses you and the children (because they are next) to the point where you lack the ability to tell that this is all crazy.

 

[SuperHappy]

I honestly hadn’t even thought about working until I read all these answers - my possible career would be in court reporting/captioning. All of the talk on here made me look into it again since I haven’t looked into it since about 10 years ago when I was in school for it. The average income is $40,000, so less than I thought. Not sure if that would justify daycare, I’ll have to check rates around here. But that work could be done from home at least partially.

The plan has been to home school and I’m a little worried about that and how it would impact all this. It would mean more time involved with the kids, more work and responsibility for me. But i do think it would be best for them and I know sacrifices are required in good parenting. With home school I would get to decide how much time we spend home or or on field trips or exploring, to a certain extent. In some ways it sounds like fun.

I don’t understand why you would be considering homeschool if you are under such stress from your kids and you have no assistance from your husband? I believe that homeschool is a huge undertaking. I am sure you have your reasons, but if you are already this stressed out, I think being responsible for your child’s complete education will add to this stress a hundredfold.

How much does your husband make? Your post makes it seem like you think 40,000 is not much money. That’s good money in most places, especially if you are under such burden financially as you describe.

Again, even though your husband obviously needs a lot of correction, you should also look at the good things he does as well. It is very easy to get caught up in only focusing on what you dislike and the internal strife you feel. Take a minute daily to be thankful and to ask God to open your eyes to the good things in your life. And again, take some action of going to a mother’s group or something.

 

[SuperHappy]

Adding my voice to the “this is very wrong” crowd. It’s time to tell him that he has NO RIGHT to speak to you that way, and that you are going to a marriage counselor. Even if he doesn’t go with you, go to a counselor. It’ll help provide a voice of sanity and what is and is not reasonable.

He is 100% wrong to rant at you for 3 hours because you needed to talk about things.

Obviously he sees it differently, that he has taken on the complete financial burden for a wife and kids and now he also feels trapped. If you plan on staying with him, you both need to see a counselor If there is truly no money for it, Catholic Services can still help you.

I would point out to him that you don’t have to stay. That you have viable options. That he can sped the next 15+ years seeing his kids every other weekend and spending 28% of his income on child support.

You do not have to put up with that type of ranting and verbal abuse and threats.

Praying for all involved, especially your precious children.