Married vows health

[Irishmom2]

Sleeping so much is not normal. Buying her a gym membership and making her physical appearance your top priority is depressing even to me. Maybe she wants you to show love for her no matter what she looks like without it being a “thing” with you all of the time.

 

[irishguy1970]

I invite her every time - but I am not going to sit on a couch and play on my phone for 3-4 hours ---- I am not inflating that time — this is how she passes her time - I put her first in everything - above everything

 

[Irishmom2]

I see your profile pic of you and your beautiful family. Is this really what you want to do to them? You would want to leave your kids mother because she gained weight??

Please, get your wife to counseling with you. Make her an appointment to see a doctor for her checkup. No need to be anything but loving about it. “I really want you to see a doctor to make sure everything is okay because I love you and I want you to be happy.” Nothing about her weight.

 

[1ke]

Am I wrong to consider what she did as breaking the vows of honoring and cherishing - I view what she had done as dishonoring me - and not cherishing me - she knew when we got married how important all that was to me - and she never gave me an indication that she felt different -

Yes, this is not about YOU. And she is not dishonoring you. There are many reasons she might have stopped exercising-- three kids at the top of the list.

I have tried supporting her - asking her to go for walk - hiking - I cook for her but she is all to content to sit on the couch play on her home and eat ice cream…

There are a lot of things that could be going on with her-- depression, tired, stress, overwhelmed. I don’t want to speculate.

When is it ok to say – I’m leaving

Um, never.

I have 30 years of vibrant life ahead and the partner I expected to have is no longer th partner I have

Life happens. Placing your expectations on her isn’t realistic or very nice of you.

she is literally 100 pounds heavier than when I married her and she can’t even walk up stairs much less walk the beach with me.

She needs to talk to her doctor and perhaps a counselor if she’s depressed.

But, again, life happens.

I also need a companion that will do stuff with me - what do I do

What has she said when you have talked to her about companionship (as opposed to “you are overweight”)?

 

[Irishmom2]

No, you put maintaining your physical appearance first. You coach soccer, you are at the gym, you are out hiking.

Ask your wife to go for a walk after dinner with you. Start small.

 

[Convert3]

I agree. The key to me was the comment about sleeping ten hours per day, which is not normal. Depression can be the result of weight gain and feeling bad about yourself, or of a spouse displaying displeasure by “encouragement” to join gyms and such, increasing the poor self esteem. I wonder if the OP’s encouragement to go to the gym, go walking and hiking, might be perceived as nagging.
My wife is not the same slim physical beauty she was when we married, and I, though the same weight, have my own physical issues. But when I look at her I see the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known and I tell her so frequently. The time we spend together is precious. She is the love of my life. We both change as we age, and adapt our lives to make it work. I had a period of depression and she stood by me during the rough times and saw me through it. I’ve stood by her during a serious cancer battle. If she tries to lose weight, I stand with her and eat the same foods. She’s had knee replacements, so long walks are difficult for her. We adapt. We are extremely happy. I pray the OP can find similar happiness.

 

[Lou2U]

So when you aren’t talking to her about her weight or physical exercise, what do you talk about?

 

[Irishmom2]

What a beautiful testament to your marriage.

 

[irishguy1970]

Kids - bills - her family

 

[TheLittleLady]

The key to me was the comment about sleeping ten hours per day, which is not normal.

Adults need 7 - 9 hours of sleep per night, that is the average. There are adults who are going to require more sleep than others. (Lifelong insomniac here, I’ve read more books about sleep than I have about any other topic save theology!)

My wife is not the same slim physical beauty she was when we married, and I, though the same weight, have my own physical issues. But when I look at her I see the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known and I tell her so frequently.

Your wife is blessed to have a loving husband!!

 

[irishguy1970]

I do all that

 

[Irishmom2]

Well something has to change. Try something different. You have been given lots of ideas here. Giving up on your wife is not an option.

 

[Lou2U]

So your five topics of conversation are her weight, exercise, kids, bills and family?

 

[1ke]

why am I wrong - did she not take vows of health as well as sickness

She didn’t take a “health vow”. The vow is that she stays with you through sickness and health.

Look, you are WAY too focused on her weight.

 

[1ke]

Housekeeper is hired - I do the laundry and kitchen duties - I want date nights but she is not so into them - she already sleeps 10 hours a day - I bought her 3 gym membership and the kids are in school - she doesn’t need child care to go - she is at home

I am sorry jsut so frustrated

Is she open to talking to a counselor about what’s going on with her?

 

[Irishmom2]

I do all that

All what? You asked her to go for a walk and she said no. So then what? You give up?

How long has she been doing all of this withdrawing and sleeping and giving up on life? because it didn’t just happen overnight.

 

[Mtatum1958]

When is it ok to say – I’m leaving - I have 30 years of vibrant life ahead

I have read your story and your replies; based on what you say, it is never OK to say, I’m done and leave. None of us can know the whole factual situation. I judge that hasn’t suddenly appeared, but has grown over time. I also believe you hav done things you believe should help.

What you describe could be caused by any of a number of physical, psychological, or emotional issues. My only suggestion are

Look at the reasons for your feelings now. Is it anger at the disparity in health, fear of not having her there due to death, etc. Then share those with her.

Listen, really listen to the responses (not trying to formulate your answers or rebuttals). You may hear what she wants and needs. That might be very different than the things you are ‘doing” thinking you know what she needs.

Work together to get the physical evaluation, and emotional or psychological counseling to effect change.

I will pray for you as a couple to see the issues and work together at resolving them.

 

[Clementine14]

You’re considering leaving your wife of 25 years because she gained weight? If so, you’re not the same guy she married either. The guy she married promised to be true to her, always. “In sickness and health” does not mean “I promise not to gain weight”.

This woman has given you three children. It is HARD to lose weight after you have kids. It’s completely unfair to compare her weight to yours- way different circumstances. Maybe you need a doctor to explain that to you. Frankly, I’m certain that my husband has no idea what I weighed when we got married (it was less than now- considerably less). The fact that you even know that is kind of weird.

I think it’s fair to care about her health and want her to be able to do activities with you. But your approach is all wrong. Comparing her to yourself, thinking about leaving her so that you can find someone else…not surprising that she isn’t motivated, with your attitude. Start with loving her as she is, and she may be motivated to get healthy because she wants a long life with you.

 

[His_helpmeet]

The fact that she’s so constantly tired and sleeping all the time suggests to me a thyroid disorder, as well as depression. A thyroid disorder can DEFINITELY make you pack on the pounds. It’s also very difficult to lose weight when you have a low thyroid because it affects your metabolism.

You carping on her about her weight, frankly, isn’t going to help her. It’s actually only likely to make her resent you.

ETA: your wife should see her provider for a complete checkup and blood work. Her provider can help her determine the cause of her fatigue and appropriate treatments.

 

[Convert3]

I strongly suggest you both get physicals and let her discuss her health with her doctor. No one here can diagnose what the issue is, if any.
But one thing I’m sure of, is that she knows she has gained weight and it’s possible your good intentions may be causing harm.
Being supportive is not buying gym memberships unless it’s at her request. You can be supportive by listening to her, reassuring her, and supporting changes she chooses to make.
Thinking of yourself first is not a good strategy.