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TheLittleLady
Guest
We are not supposed to dispense medical advice beyond “see your doctor”. Forum rules 
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jlc2k2
Guest
Do you make the effort to do the things she loves now (not just the things she loved to do a decade ago)? Companionship is a 2 way street and neither side should expect that they will only do what that person likes to do.I love the companionship of having my life partner do the thing I love to do - and she used to love to do them
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His_helpmeet
Guest
Thank you for the reminder. Fixed.
I agree completely that we can’t diagnose his wife with a thyroid issue. Really she needs to see her provider for a complete checkup.
I agree completely that we can’t diagnose his wife with a thyroid issue. Really she needs to see her provider for a complete checkup.
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QwertyGirl
Guest
It sounds like it’s all about you. So I guess you leave when you decide you want to leave.
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QwertyGirl
Guest
So this is going to be brutally honest. I think it is what is required here.
First of all, I doubt your wife will be happy to know you have posted a picture with her here at CAF and announced to the entire community her weight and how unhappy you are with it. Secondly, no disrespect but your son looks a little on the hefty side. Maybe spend your time mentoring him with regards to his physical fitness and lay off your wife in that regard.
As a former fatty, I will tell you your wife’s weight issue is most likely due to some emotional challenges she is facing. If you think “Leave It To Beaver” is what everyone wants, you are mistaken. I can only imagine what she might say if she tells you what she really thinks.
Having three children can take it out of a woman. Especially if she is then the stay at home caretaker for the kids. You sound truly insensitive. It may be the root of her emotional distress.
Get down on your knees and thank God for your beautiful family. Then ask your wife what changes YOU can make that will bring her peace and tranquility. Anxiety is a killer for someone trying to manage a weight problem. It sounds like life with you would be anxiety-causing.
Finally, I know I am being hard on you, and I don’t believe you are a bad person. Your priorities are all out of whack and you have a lot to lose if you don’t work on it. I would hate to see that happen to you.
First of all, I doubt your wife will be happy to know you have posted a picture with her here at CAF and announced to the entire community her weight and how unhappy you are with it. Secondly, no disrespect but your son looks a little on the hefty side. Maybe spend your time mentoring him with regards to his physical fitness and lay off your wife in that regard.
As a former fatty, I will tell you your wife’s weight issue is most likely due to some emotional challenges she is facing. If you think “Leave It To Beaver” is what everyone wants, you are mistaken. I can only imagine what she might say if she tells you what she really thinks.
Having three children can take it out of a woman. Especially if she is then the stay at home caretaker for the kids. You sound truly insensitive. It may be the root of her emotional distress.
Get down on your knees and thank God for your beautiful family. Then ask your wife what changes YOU can make that will bring her peace and tranquility. Anxiety is a killer for someone trying to manage a weight problem. It sounds like life with you would be anxiety-causing.
Finally, I know I am being hard on you, and I don’t believe you are a bad person. Your priorities are all out of whack and you have a lot to lose if you don’t work on it. I would hate to see that happen to you.
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lilypadrees
Guest
Do not leave her just because she has chosen not to be as active as you wish her to be. Her physical activity level is not your call to make. And to divorce her over such a thing is very selfish of you.
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lilypadrees
Guest
No, your wife does not have the responsibility to keep up her fitness for your marriage’s sake. It’s your ego that feels she should do that.
You say you have 3 kids. How old are they? Young enough, I’m sure, to take a lot of their mother’s energy. It’s no wonder she’s too exhausted to go hiking with you.
You don’t know that she will be bedridden in 10 years. You don’t know what is in her future or yours. She could lose weight and you could be the one bedridden. Being physically active doesn’t guarantee that you won’t have an accident that leaves you bedridden.
You should be ashamed of yourself for acting the way you are about your wife’s lack of interest in fitness right now. You, sir, are the one who needs to change your attitude.
You say you have 3 kids. How old are they? Young enough, I’m sure, to take a lot of their mother’s energy. It’s no wonder she’s too exhausted to go hiking with you.
You don’t know that she will be bedridden in 10 years. You don’t know what is in her future or yours. She could lose weight and you could be the one bedridden. Being physically active doesn’t guarantee that you won’t have an accident that leaves you bedridden.
You should be ashamed of yourself for acting the way you are about your wife’s lack of interest in fitness right now. You, sir, are the one who needs to change your attitude.
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lilypadrees
Guest
You don’t sound like you put her first. It’s all about you.
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heidi_storage
Guest
Irishguy: You’re not a monster. “In sickness and health” means the opposite of what you posited (it means you’ll stay faithful whether she and you are sick or healthy), but of course you’re unhappy your wife’s weight has ballooned, and that she isn’t doing things with you anymore. Her obesity is highly likely to affect her longevity, and it has already affected her health and lifestyle; quite aside from weight, it’s not good to sit around all day.
I don’t know what sort of talks you’ve had with your wife about her level of inactivity and poor eating habits, but I suggest you try to sit down with her and get her to agree to a set of goals, with measurable benchmarks. For example, perhaps get her to agree to 10 minutes of aerobic activity per day to start with, moving up a few minutes every few days until she gets to 30 minutes per day.
Diet is a bit more difficult, but if you’re doing meal prep you have options to include lots of fruit and veggies. If she is amenable, perhaps she could meet a registered dietician, who will be able to discuss a healthy diet without using inflammatory language.
Finally, a doctor’s checkup is a good idea. As others have mentioned, thyroid and other issues can mess with a person’s metabolism.
A note about myself: The childbirth thing is real; I haven’t been able to get below 155 (I’m 5’4’’) since having Kid 3 nearly 2 years ago! (I was about 137 lbs when I married my husband.) It is a struggle. However, I keep at the struggle, because frankly I do not want to be where your wife is, or where my mother was. I have a very similar body type as hers, and she was morbidly obese most of her adult life. She has struggled with arthritis and heart failure, which has significantly worsened her quality of life.
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I don’t know what sort of talks you’ve had with your wife about her level of inactivity and poor eating habits, but I suggest you try to sit down with her and get her to agree to a set of goals, with measurable benchmarks. For example, perhaps get her to agree to 10 minutes of aerobic activity per day to start with, moving up a few minutes every few days until she gets to 30 minutes per day.
Diet is a bit more difficult, but if you’re doing meal prep you have options to include lots of fruit and veggies. If she is amenable, perhaps she could meet a registered dietician, who will be able to discuss a healthy diet without using inflammatory language.
Finally, a doctor’s checkup is a good idea. As others have mentioned, thyroid and other issues can mess with a person’s metabolism.
A note about myself: The childbirth thing is real; I haven’t been able to get below 155 (I’m 5’4’’) since having Kid 3 nearly 2 years ago! (I was about 137 lbs when I married my husband.) It is a struggle. However, I keep at the struggle, because frankly I do not want to be where your wife is, or where my mother was. I have a very similar body type as hers, and she was morbidly obese most of her adult life. She has struggled with arthritis and heart failure, which has significantly worsened her quality of life.
Edited to add rest of post, which was cut off
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Ardent_Fire
Guest
She sounds exhausted and depressed. Just because someone gains weight and becomes depressed and disinterested, it’s not grounds for divorce. There are two sides to this and we are only hearing yours.
Obviously your concerns shouldn’t be ignored but it sounds like marriage counseling is in order. You can try to get her help and hope she gets back in the swing of things, but ultimately you won’t be able to force her, she’ll have to want to do that on her own. It’s justified to want to spend quality time together with your wife – to want her by your side and feel lonely that she doesn’t want to do anything. But don’t make it a vanity issue about her appearance – that’s just not going to go over well and not what true love is based on. Pray for your wife. I’ll pray for you and your family.
Obviously your concerns shouldn’t be ignored but it sounds like marriage counseling is in order. You can try to get her help and hope she gets back in the swing of things, but ultimately you won’t be able to force her, she’ll have to want to do that on her own. It’s justified to want to spend quality time together with your wife – to want her by your side and feel lonely that she doesn’t want to do anything. But don’t make it a vanity issue about her appearance – that’s just not going to go over well and not what true love is based on. Pray for your wife. I’ll pray for you and your family.
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EnglishTeacher
Guest
I also used to be very slim all my life but have gained a lot of weight over the past 3-4 years. Trying to lose it, but it’s an uphill battle, especially with thyroid issues. All that to say that if my husband were upset about my weight and were considering leaving me over it, I would sense it whether he came out and said so or not, and it would definitely cause depression or add to it.
OP, I wonder if your wife also senses that your feelings toward her have changed. (Women can usually tell these things.) She’s probably already feeling insecure about her looks and weight; and knowing that her husband feels she is unattractive is only going to add to that insecurity and depression. A woman needs to be able to feel secure in her husband’s love, and not have to worry that his love for her could change depending on circumstances, especially her weight. I agree that some marriage counseling might be beneficial to you both, and with the poster who said,
OP, I wonder if your wife also senses that your feelings toward her have changed. (Women can usually tell these things.) She’s probably already feeling insecure about her looks and weight; and knowing that her husband feels she is unattractive is only going to add to that insecurity and depression. A woman needs to be able to feel secure in her husband’s love, and not have to worry that his love for her could change depending on circumstances, especially her weight. I agree that some marriage counseling might be beneficial to you both, and with the poster who said,
I think it’s fair to care about her health and want her to be able to do activities with you. But your approach is all wrong. Comparing her to yourself, thinking about leaving her so that you can find someone else…not surprising that she isn’t motivated, with your attitude. Start with loving her as she is, and she may be motivated to get healthy because she wants a long life with you.
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FloridaCatholic
Guest
I’m going to disagree with most here. OP is right. If the roles were reversed and husband gained weight many here would say the wife would be right in suggesting he be a man and go to the gym
It’s funny. I’ve noticed women often have no problem telling their husband not to drink so much or eat junk food but when the husband wants to tell the wife the same thing there’s a double standard.
And to say that OP’s wife gained weight because she lacks energy because of the kids—doesn’t OP also have the same three children?
It’s one thing if OP was arguing over 10-20lbs. This is 100lbs overweight. For a woman her height that’s obese. Maybe he wants her to live longer and not have heart problems. There are plenty of reasons not to be obese. I can’t believe people are blaming the OP because he doesn’t want his wife to suffer from a serious health problem.
HOWEVER. OP is wrong for leaving. She’s your wife and the mother of your children. Encourage her, don’t abandon her.
Edit: okay I read OP is just thinking of leaving. Everyone thinks about it. Just don’t. Encourage, don’t abandon. Work out with her if you can. Eat better with her. Buy her flowers and date her again. Make her feel like the woman she was when you first met her. S
It’s funny. I’ve noticed women often have no problem telling their husband not to drink so much or eat junk food but when the husband wants to tell the wife the same thing there’s a double standard.
And to say that OP’s wife gained weight because she lacks energy because of the kids—doesn’t OP also have the same three children?
It’s one thing if OP was arguing over 10-20lbs. This is 100lbs overweight. For a woman her height that’s obese. Maybe he wants her to live longer and not have heart problems. There are plenty of reasons not to be obese. I can’t believe people are blaming the OP because he doesn’t want his wife to suffer from a serious health problem.
HOWEVER. OP is wrong for leaving. She’s your wife and the mother of your children. Encourage her, don’t abandon her.
Edit: okay I read OP is just thinking of leaving. Everyone thinks about it. Just don’t. Encourage, don’t abandon. Work out with her if you can. Eat better with her. Buy her flowers and date her again. Make her feel like the woman she was when you first met her. S
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Clementine14
Guest
I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m a woman and I’d give the same advice to any other woman who came on here complaining about her husband being fat and wanting to leave him. However, there is another variable here, which is that this woman has literally given up her body to have her children. Men and women are not the same at all, metabolically speaking, and the OP does not consider that or does not care. My husband can eat all he wants and barely gain a pound, but if I put cheese in my salad I’ll probably weigh more the next day.I’m going to disagree with most here. OP is right. If the roles were reversed and husband gained weight many here would say the wife would be right in suggesting he be a man and go to the gym
It’s funny. I’ve noticed women often have no problem telling their husband not to drink so much or eat junk food but when the husband wants to tell the wife the same thing there’s a double standard.
The OP mentioned that his life is basically “Leave it to Beaver”, which I take to mean that he’s the breadwinner and she stays home and cares for the kids and house. Yes, they have the same three children, but do you have any kids? I’m guessing no, because otherwise you’d realize the soul crushing exhaustion that comes along with caring for them full time. Again, women and men are very different when it comes to hormonal issues that affect weight. Energy levels and lack of sleep are a big deal when it comes to weight.And to say that OP’s wife gained weight because she lacks energy because of the kids—doesn’t OP also have the same three children?
The OP does not appear to be concerned about her health. Maybe he is, but he didn’t say that. I think his post is off-putting because he is comparing himself to her and wondering whether he can leave her for being overweight. That doesn’t sound like someone who cares about her health, but someone who wants to abandon her because she doesn’t look the same. That’s sad. (Also, she is not 100 lbs overweight. She weighs 100 lbs more than she did when they married, which is not the same thing.)It’s one thing if OP was arguing over 10-20lbs. This is 100lbs overweight. For a woman her height that’s obese. Maybe he wants her to live longer and not have heart problems. There are plenty of reasons not to be obese. I can’t believe people are blaming the OP because he doesn’t want his wife to suffer from a serious health problem.
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FloridaCatholic
Guest
She’s still morbidly obese for her height. Keep trying to defend that all you want, if it were alcoholism we wouldn’t be having this conversation and no one would defend it.
Morbid obesity is treatable. Not treating it and chalking it up to life is such an excuse. Plenty of mothers have more than three children and they don’t gain a hundred pounds
Morbid obesity is treatable. Not treating it and chalking it up to life is such an excuse. Plenty of mothers have more than three children and they don’t gain a hundred pounds
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His_helpmeet
Guest
Obesity is down to many factors and isn’t just “eating too much and exercising too little”. She may well have other health issues, such as hypothyroidism. Many people who have engaged in yo-yo dieting over many years have damaged their metabolic and endocrine systems which makes it harder to lose weight.
It’s not a simple case of “calories in, calories out”.
It’s not a simple case of “calories in, calories out”.
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FloridaCatholic
Guest
But OP said she doesn’t exercise anymore. That’s not healthy. Also OP said that he’s tried to encourage her to eat right and exercise and she doesn’t. This doesn’t seem like a woman who cares. Especially when she knows how important it was to her husband
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irishguy1970
Guest
all the blood work is done and all comes back perfectly normal
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FloridaCatholic
Guest
Hey @irishguy1970 I wouldn’t leave your wife. You have children with her. But maybe this calls for therapy so she can hear your concerns via an unbiased third party
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irishguy1970
Guest
I love her - I am not leaving and certainly not because of her being overweight ---- if i were to leave it would be because of lack of effort in the marriage NOT her weight
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FloridaCatholic
Guest
I don’t think lack of effort is enough reason to leave either. But it would call for therapy
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