Married while in college?

[Kepha15]

I sure will keep you in my prayers…and I pray that everything works out for you and that you two have a wonderful marriage. I know you will do what you feel God is calling you to, and I wish you all the best.

Although I am of the mindset that you are of believing that we can make marriage work financially while going to school (or even after I graduate and she’s still in school), my girlfriend (future fiancee) doesn’t agree and thinks it’s too risky. I tried to tell her that I think marriage should be the first thing on our minds and leave the rest to God, she’s being really stubborn and doesn’t want to get married until we both have degrees and jobs and total security. I know it’s not because she thinks our careers are more important than marriage…it’s just a little hard when she seems to be putting the cart before the horse (in my eyes). I think the joy of being married will only add to the excitement of the rest of the process, and to be able to be there for each other like never before in our lives…even though I know it will be tough financially and a little risky…makes it well worth it in my eyes.

But…'tis life, I suppose.

I wish you and your future husband a lifetime of happiness, and I know you will make the decision that is right for you…with God’s help and discernment, of course.

God Bless,

-Mike

 

[stadre]

I don’t have any advice to give about the situation, but I do want to add one thing to your budget. Are your parents helping you with college expenses? Will that continue after you get married?

 

[Rach620]

Although I am of the mindset that you are of believing that we can make marriage work financially while going to school (or even after I graduate and she’s still in school), my girlfriend (future fiancee) doesn’t agree and thinks it’s too risky. I tried to tell her that I think marriage should be the first thing on our minds and leave the rest to God, she’s being really stubborn and doesn’t want to get married until we both have degrees and jobs and total security. I know it’s not because she thinks our careers are more important than marriage…it’s just a little hard when she seems to be putting the cart before the horse (in my eyes). I think the joy of being married will only add to the excitement of the rest of the process, and to be able to be there for each other like never before in our lives…even though I know it will be tough financially and a little risky…makes it well worth it in my eyes.

Mike-

I understand where your girlfriend’s coming from… It’s really just the mindset I feel is drilled into everyone–have everything in order and then, and only then, walk down the aisle. That’s not always how God works! I’m not advocating being irresponsible–but if it is possible, and it is God’s will, then it can be done.

I’d definitely recommend praying and talking about it. And read Love & Responsibility (by JPII). My boyfriend and I read it together, it’s a bit dense, but if you can get through it and discuss it it’s well worth it. We started so many conversations that way, not only about the Theology of the Body (which, if I’m correct, pretty much got started here) but about what marriage means.

Just remember that God’s plan is always well worth the effort!

 

[Rach620]

I don’t have any advice to give about the situation, but I do want to add one thing to your budget. Are your parents helping you with college expenses? Will that continue after you get married?

Our parents have always said that they would pay for our undergrad tuition. I know this is a huuuuuge burden for them (I am one of five children…and the private university I attend is not cheap!), but am so grateful for it! I would not get the amazing education I am without it.

Their tuition support ends after we graduate from undergrad though, so my boyfriend’s grad school will be up to us to cover (we’ve heard that no one should really pay for grad school though, with all the grants and TAing positions available).

 

[ack]

Is your boyfriend going to get a MS or a PhD? Nobody should have to pay for a PhD, but it is quite common to pay for an MS, especially if the school has a large PhD program which sucks up all the funding.

Our parents have always said that they would pay for our undergrad tuition. I know this is a huuuuuge burden for them (I am one of five children…and the private university I attend is not cheap!), but am so grateful for it! I would not get the amazing education I am without it.

Their tuition support ends after we graduate from undergrad though, so my boyfriend’s grad school will be up to us to cover (we’ve heard that no one should really pay for grad school though, with all the grants and TAing positions available).

 

[mrsfrazier]

Just thought I would post something because my husband and I were in a similar situation to yours about 6 months ago…then we got married

We are 19 and 20, and have had to pay our way through college from the beginning because we do not have parents capable of financially helping us. We began dating at 16 and 17, and wanted to get married as soon as possible. So, about a week after I turned 20, (and honestly, it was too long a wait–if you’re sure it’s not just hormonal, then the long wait is painful and unnecessary!) we did get married. It was against the advice of much of our family and friends, but we knew what God was calling us too. It has been a little rough, going to school full time and also working full time, but we are actually going to graduate without loans, with substantial resumes, and 401k’s. So anyone who says you must have degree before you are ready for anything else is exagerrating. If you are both able to work, then go for it. You can always go to school part time, and (at least in my experience) having even just 2 years of college under your belt will get you much better jobs than before. I was able to get a very high paying job that asked for a four yr degree based on my GPA, resume, and interview performance, so don’t think you will have to work as a waitress just b/c you didn’t finish college yet!

If you can’t do it without financial help from your parents, that is when I would caution you. I think it would be very harmful to our marriage to be reliant on our parents for a lot of help–once you’re married, you really will want to break off and become your own unit. However, if they have agreed to pay for college, that is their perogative, and may make it easier for you to be married.

Good luck!! This is such a hard decision, I will be praying for you It sounds like you are very mature and have really put a lot of prayer and consideration into taking this step

 

[Cat]

My husband and I got married when we were 21, after dating for six years. (We started dating young.) We’ve been married 27 years.

Two pastors from two different churches advised us to get married and not wait. It was really funny, because his parents insisted that we talk to THEIR pastor because they were convinced he would talk some sense into us. Instead, he listened to our plan and said, “Go for it.”

We have a daughter, 20, who is engaged to the man that she has been dating for six years. We hope they will decide to get married earlier, as she still has four years to go in college (she’s in a Doctoral program.) That’s just too long to be engaged.

Our suggestion is that you have a plan to support yourselves, with no help from parents. We told both of our daughters early in their lives that when they got married, we would no longer pay for college expenses.

Ideally, the plan should involve supporting yourselves on just ONE income, NOT TWO INCOMES. This makes it possible for one spouse to not work in order to do school or baby, whichever happens. If you are relying on two incomes to survive, you put yourselves in a perilous situation.

Even to this day, my husband and I don’t count on two incomes to support ourselves. My income is used for non-essentials, e.g., school tuition, ice skating bills, going out to eat, vacations. If I could no longer work, his income would cover the essentials (food, shelter, etc.). If he could no longer work, my income would cover those essentials.

You need a good, solid plan that will enable you both to live adequately, not necessarily comfortably. Hopefully you are cultivating a simple lifestyle now, not living in the lap of luxury! We found that when we were young and first married, we really didn’t need a lot of material things to be very satisfied. (Kids changed all that!)

If you can come up with a good, solid plan, then go for it and get married. But if you can’t come up with a plan, then wait. It’s not the right time. Make sense?

It would be unwise to test God and get married without a plan to provide for yourselves. My sister-in-law got married when she was 21 to another young man. They were divorced in less than a year because they had no plan to support themselves. He was from a wealthy family and had always been provided for by them. After the wedding, he worked part time at Burger King and spent most of his paltry paycheck on video game arcades. He was not mature enough to realize that he needed to pay bills and take care of a wife. Very sad.

God bless you both! I hope you’re as happy together as my husband and I are!

 

[Julianna]

It’s late and I should be getting to bed for class tomorrow, but I wanted to respond to a few things here.

First off–I’m pretty sure this isn’t our hormones talking… at least, they’re not doing the bulk of the talking . We have seriously discussed this for months, and our commitment to each other, to marriage as soon as God might allow, and most importantly, to chastity, has been strengthened.

Next-- I’m not in school just to get my MRS. My boyfriend and I had both been accepted and decided on where we were going to college before we even started dating. While I do plan on one day being a stay-at-home mom, I don’t think the fact that I won’t work outside the home devalues the education I’m getting at (what I believe to be ) one of the best universities in the country.

We both WILL graduate, on time, less than a year after we marry (if we do indeed get married between jr and sr years). There’s no risk of either one of us dropping out. I had a lot of credits coming into school, and it might even be possible for me to go part time/graduate early if God does decide to send us a tiny unexpected gift .

A potential issue, which we have discussed, is post-graduation. We figured that since we were just moving the wedding up a year, the post-grad plans wouldn’t change–we’d still be ending up in the same city come 2009. What those plans are, precisely, has yet to be determined. At this point, they involve grad school for my boyfriend and a job for me. If God wills it, he could go to night school to get his master’s and get a full time job to support our family.

Finally-- Call me naive, but I’ve always found it rather silly that one of the modern requisites for marriage was a well-paying full-time job and a 401k. Even my parents, who got married in 1983 right out of college, had no 401k in sight. God works in mysterious ways…and usually not on our silly schedules! And heck, that just seems to take most of the fun out of it… I have no qualms with clipping coupons and garage saling, if I know that we are doing God’s will .

That’s it for now! Thanks for all the support/advice/prayers! We really appreciate them!

Silly…not really. So you both will go to school and work at the same time, and pay for everything yourselves…sounds great. You get pregnant right away…where is your health insurance? There is no such thing as working part time and get health benefits. Do you know how much it costs to have a baby? Ultrasounds without insurance are very, expensive. As well as OB visits, lab tests, et al. And you sound like the type that wants to visit an OB office, with pretty carpet, couches, and happy moms to be reading Parent Magazines while Muzak plays quietly in the background. How are you going to afford that? How can you garage sale, if you don’t have anything to sell?

When I got pregnant in 82…my husband was working full time and we had 80% coverage for pregnancy. That really came in handy. Medication was a $5.00 co pay. He also has a full retirement coming to us in 5 yrs. My son is a junior in college and has no plans to get serious with anyone until he graduates and gets a full time job. It’s the economy…it gets worse by the day. Love is great…but it gets real tense when the bills come due. I will stick to my original thought…it’s hormones. My souhern grandmother pushed my 16 yr old aunt into marriage because she was afraid she was going to have sex. Geez louise, what a dumb idea that was. She was divorced with two kids by the time she was 19. No plan…"what will the neighbors think? mentality dove right in. It is sad to think we are going back to that. It’s none of their business. I was engaged for well over a year…and that subject never came up…and if it did, my answer would have been NOYB.

 

[Rach620]

Silly…not really. So you both will go to school and work at the same time, and pay for everything yourselves…sounds great. You get pregnant right away…where is your health insurance? There is no such thing as working part time and get health benefits. Do you know how much it costs to have a baby? Ultrasounds without insurance are very, expensive. As well as OB visits, lab tests, et al. And you sound like the type that wants to visit an OB office, with pretty carpet, couches, and happy moms to be reading Parent Magazines while Muzak plays quietly in the background. How are you going to afford that? How can you garage sale, if you don’t have anything to sell?

When I got pregnant in 82…my husband was working full time and we had 80% coverage for pregnancy. That really came in handy. Medication was a $5.00 co pay. He also has a full retirement coming to us in 5 yrs. My son is a junior in college and has no plans to get serious with anyone until he graduates and gets a full time job. It’s the economy…it gets worse by the day. Love is great…but it gets real tense when the bills come due. I will stick to my original thought…it’s hormones. My souhern grandmother pushed my 16 yr old aunt into marriage because she was afraid she was going to have sex. Geez louise, what a dumb idea that was. She was divorced with two kids by the time she was 19. No plan…"what will the neighbors think? mentality dove right in. It is sad to think we are going back to that. It’s none of their business. I was engaged for well over a year…and that subject never came up…and if it did, my answer would have been NOYB.

Julianna-

I understand you’re well-meaning, but I’m nonetheless frustrated by your post.

I’d just like to caution you that this is a public forum. I’ve expressed myself and explained the relationship my boyfriend and I have, and our motivations for marriage during college, to the best of my ability. But I guess that I still need to remember that you don’t actually know me. You don’t know what kind of doctor’s office I would prefer, and you certainly do not know what is motivating my decisions besides what I have made public here.

Rushing into marriage because one is “hormonal” and most likely won’t/can’t wait to consummate their relationship until the wedding day is a VERY unwise thing to do, I’ll agree with you there. But there is a huge difference between a sixteen year old girl and a twenty year old college student. We are talking about a huge difference in maturity levels here. I am incredibly grateful for the chaste relationship my boyfriend and I share. We’ve read Love & Responsibility together, teach others about chastity, and pray together regularly for this virtue. I don’t appreciate insinuations that we’re only/mainly motivated by sex here, or that it’s okay to tell others to “mind their own business” to ask about such matters. Yes, it is our business. But if anyone asked, I’d love to share with them about our amazing, chaste relationship.

I’m not going to deny that our hormones exist, but we’re not letting our passions get out of check here . I know he will still be here when I graduate from college… but as I’ve heard many people say before, why go through the pain of waiting if it’s possible? Why live through that separation, if not for real financial issues. (And the ones you and others have raised here, regarding full-time work and health insurance, are good ones, ones we are considering.) Our desire is to share a life together–in all that involves, and we know that this is God’s plan for us. We’re just still determining how soon He wishes to put this plan into action.

We aren’t rushing into this completely naively. We had questions, and we came here to ask for some good Catholic advice. I appreciate what you have shared, but I have to disagree with much of what you’ve said. I know we can’t leap into marriage without any kind of financial plan, but I also don’t think it’s healthy to put off marriage until each spouse is “fully established”.

 

[LittleRose]

Hi, there.

Congrats on finding what sounds like a really great future husband. Mine is similarly wonderful. We met when I was 18, and he was 21. We knew we wanted to get married after only a couple of years, but we waited till we were both done with school, and established in our careers, even though we also intend for me to stay home with our kids. There was a span of about six and a half years between when we first started dating and our wedding. **Even though I often felt as you do, I have no regrets about waiting so long. I married a man who was worth the wait. **Those practical concerns you mention (such as money) do not seem as little when you have a financial crisis. I also felt it important to make sure I was able to hold down a job and support myself just in case (heaven forbid) anything were to happen to my husband and I were left to support the family. I believe that the extra time I spent living independently, paying my own bills, working hard (as a high school english teacher–a very demanding job, with relatively low pay) helped me to become someone who could more adequately contribute to my new family. Also, I have a much better appreciation for what my husband does as the primary breadwinner in our family.

My own parents married when they were very young and still in college and they often encouraged me to do differently, because the financial difficulties they faced, especially when kids started coming along, were nothing to sneeze at, and were harder to face when they were (let’s face it) much less experienced with life than they would be later. They survived, but they don’t recommend it.

Besides, you are going to spend the rest of your lives together, so waiting an extra year or two can’t kill you, right?

God bless.

 

[goodeman]

I find this topic very interesting, but I was wondering if anybody knew any of those marriage statistic sites? You always hear people saying that 1 out of 4 people get a divorce these days, 1 out of 2 that live together before marriage get a divorce, the best age difference is so and so, the time spend dating has so and so a success rate, etc. Do any of you know a good site that provides this kind of information?

 

[hasikelee]

I agree with the recent posts. If you are considering marriage, you should be considering all of your expenses as just that: yours.

Right now his parents pay nothing for anything for him; he is completely independent. My parents graciously have kept an open welcome at their home for me while I am in school, but everything else is my expense.

With his new job, we will be able to pay for school completely (no debt) both have 401ks (and I already have a substantial roth from teen years) savings in the bank, a money market saving up for a home, a car, insurance and both our jobs offer health benefits.

If we do marry and I become pregnant, I can stop working entirely and still go to school and be financially cared for without him working any harder than he already is.

Of course, I still want to work. My job is very fulfilling.

I think it is a very perilous choice to still receive funds from parents when married. Hurtful things can happen and it also has a subconcious influence: kinda like living as a child but separately. It can impair your new marriage.

Silly…not really. So you both will go to school and work at the same time, and pay for everything yourselves…sounds great. You get pregnant right away…where is your health insurance? There is no such thing as working part time and get health benefits. Do you know how much it costs to have a baby? Ultrasounds without insurance are very, expensive. As well as OB visits, lab tests, et al. And you sound like the type that wants to visit an OB office, with pretty carpet, couches, and happy moms to be reading Parent Magazines while Muzak plays quietly in the background. How are you going to afford that? How can you garage sale, if you don’t have anything to sell?

 

[IlovemyChurch]

Hello

My 2 cents. I got married a month ago. I am 22, he is 24 and we are both FULL TIME students.

It is working out amazingly and the graces we have recieved from God through our marriage have been unbelievable.

I would say that, if you, like us, could think of no real reason not to get married…then just get married!

But my one piece of advice would be to pray pray pray and frequent the sacraments as often as possible (daily mass as often as you can, and confession every 2 weeks).

Because that, and pretty much only that, will be where the (much needed) graces flow from.

 

[renee1258]

I wished we were married earlier, and even when we were engaged people kept telling me to wait until I finished law school! I was married and had a baby by the time I graduated. We’re alive and fine. Honestly there is something romantic living in a small apartment with no furniture. Rather cozy.

Long courtships/relationships wierd me out sometimes, honestly if you been with someone for a particular length of time either the decision to marry or not should be made. I think it is torture to grow in a relationship, and then have it artificially postponed because of schooling. Many schools are creating fast track route to an undergraduate or post graduate degree, in which you take summer and intersession courses and starting your degree in june and pacing yourself faster.

I don’t know why (as a generalization) we discourage marriage in adults. We have enough problems with extended adolencence in our culture into our late 20’s. Sure you go without a lot of material goods, but post high school education does seem necessary now a days, so I would never hold that my child’s head. If I could afford to pay for my child’s education, I would pay whether or not they were married.

 

[renee1258]

I find this topic very interesting, but I was wondering if anybody knew any of those marriage statistic sites? You always hear people saying that 1 out of 4 people get a divorce these days, 1 out of 2 that live together before marriage get a divorce, the best age difference is so and so, the time spend dating has so and so a success rate, etc. Do any of you know a good site that provides this kind of information?

I would suggest Stephen Rhoad’s book, “Taking Sex Differences Seriously”. Studies he cites show people married 20-24 have the best rates, since they are obviously adults but haven’t created that idol independence of “mine vs. ours” because in college or starting off you don’t own anything or have any money to begin with to fight over. I have to admit six years later in my own marriage, one of the aspects that makes it great is that we still don’t have “anything” to fight over.

That doesn’t mean just because you married at 18 or 28 your marriage will fail, it is just other factors play in and consider if you are either too immature or an established single.

 

[THutch04]

I would suggest Stephen Rhoad’s book, “Taking Sex Differences Seriously”. Studies he cites show people married 20-24 have the best rates, since they are obviously adults but haven’t created that idol independence of “mine vs. ours” because in college or starting off you don’t own anything or have any money to begin with to fight over. I have to admit six years later in my own marriage, one of the aspects that makes it great is that we still don’t have “anything” to fight over.

That doesn’t mean just because you married at 18 or 28 your marriage will fail, it is just other factors play in and consider if you are either too immature or an established single.

That’s interesting, because I remember a study (can’t recall the name of it though) that said people who marry once they’re 28 or older have the best success rates.

 

[renee1258]

That’s interesting, because I remember a study (can’t recall the name of it though) that said people who marry once they’re 28 or older have the best success rates.

If you compare people married between 16-19, that would be correct. Most studies talk about teen pregnancy or teen marriage compared to older adults, but young adults sort of get lost in the mix. There is a lot of frieghtening of teens (especially females), that your life will be doomed if you are married and have children. You also see this comparison with older mothers over 35 you always comparing themselves/bragging to teenage mothers, but never to women in their 20’s.

 

[journey137]

I agree there’s a lot of scare tactics being employed, but it’s more than just the media using them. My dad made me promise I’d be able to support myself before I got married, and my mom wanted me to finish school first. I’m listening to them, but I wish I could just get married. Long term relationship of 4.5 years and not getting married for almost another two years is really frustrating sometimes. I just keep reminding myself that I need to finish school before I have a baby (and I know we’re going to have a baby pretty quick when we get married).

 

[hasikelee]

renee, do you have any sites for researching those statistics? I had heard that from someone too and would love to read more.

It makes sense though. Any younger and you have financial, educational and maturity issues. Any older and you have passed into a different stage of development, established a life, grown in habits, etc.

 

[renee1258]

I have no sites, just his book. The author is well regarded in academics. So much of the author’s research is written from scholarly peer journals, not passed around on the Internet. You can find his book in many public libraries or on loan if your library doesn’t have it.