Married with Children...So lonely

[Giggly_Giraffe]

The TV show, “Katie” did a show about how about 60% of men with children 0-5 suffer from post pardon depression. Here is a link: katiecouric.com/videos/how-postpartum-depression-affects-more-than-just-moms/

I believe men do need more resources and understanding how their testosterone levels drop … Excess irritability … And those unthinkable thoughts.

As a mother, I am taught to teach my children how to identify feelings and once identified, how to cope with these feelings. This is a life lesson that I need to apply to myself and to help my husband with too. I hope the above link willgiveyou the vocabulary to identify any feeling so that you can take this new vocabulary and find a way to cope with the feelings.

May peace be with your spirit.

 

[PennyinCanada]

We have a sizable home schooling group in our city. They do activities together and support each other. It might be a wonderful place to get plugged in at your location.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m married with 3 kids. I love my wife very much, and even though my kids can be a handful (all under 5), they are the joy in my life. As a father, I’m of the belief that my job is the love, provide, protect, and help guide my family. My wife and I don’t really have any close friends. My wife stays in contact with her sisters and cousins via texts, chats, etc. They all live fairly far away. I know she gets lonely and I know she sometimes gets overwhelmed staying home everyday with the kids. I try to do what I can, but what happens when I need some support? There is so much talk about the burdens of being a stay at home mom, but what about the father who feels that the world is on their shoulders? I know my wife loves me, but I don’t think she knows what to do, or can even acknowledge when I need help. Therefore, I’m left to my own devices.

We are practicing Catholics, although as of late we haven’t been that active, but the none the less, we consider ourselves devout Roman Catholics. I mention this because I know the Catholic response to life’s woes, “Go back to the Church.” “Put your faith in the Lord.” And I agree with all of this. I’m just looking for some feedback on what others have done in conjunction with the faith. Thank you for time and I appreciate any response to this thread.

I can empathize. I am a stay at home dad of 4 kids. We homeschool and my wife has a full time career and is getting her MBA. We moved across the country away from our families and friends and I am very lonely. However our faith has been enriched here. Our parish is amazing (if a little gruff and standoffish, though that is probably just the midwesterness of it.)

I’ll tell you, three kids were sick last night. Wife did not get much sleep, neither did I, and we missed our Holy Hour at the Chapel.

My wife and I continue to be best friends and sometimes it seems like the world is against us but we have each other’s back. It seems like we never BOTH have a bad day on the same day. If my day is bad, she picks up the slack and vice versa.

People have asked us how we handle all of our stresses. It is simple. We laugh. We joke, sometimes inappropriately even in front of the kids.

At least once a day one of us makes the other laugh. As for the lonely aspect. I am still figuring it out. I have always been surrounded by friends. I make friends very easily. (at least I thought I did.) I am extroverted and outgoing. BUT somehow God has used this isolation in my life to prepare me for something. I don’t know what yet, but I can feel it in my bones that I am being prepared for something. Until that day comes when it is revealed to me, I just plug away! Joyfully, if not a bit lonely. Every day I wake up and I am surrounded by the 5 people who love me the most in this world, and honestly that is all I really need.

 

[jlc2k2]

I second finding your local twins club. There are normally plenty of social functions for various parts of the family. If the dads aren’t already doing something, maybe you can help start something up.

 

[underacloud]

My wife is a SAHM and she goes to so many playgroups and such that I can’t keep track of her schedule. And frankly, I believe it’s as much for her own sake as for the kids. Staying at home all the time will be isolating for most people and adult company is important.

As for fathers who feel the weight of the world on their shoulders, I can understand. I think it’s important for both parents to find “me” time and embrace hobbies that double up as social occasions. My wife and I both have groups of friends that we spend time with, separately and sometimes together (harder to do together simply because we have four children). Sports are always a good option for men. I also happen to love wine so have made many friends by going to tasting events and dinners etc. Or (and) immerse yourself in the social life of you parish.

 

[EasterJoy]

bitterhope said:

“I guess I see things differently than other SAHMs, but I don’t think a daily outing is necessary or even ideal.”

If the mom is unhappy or lonely being at home, I think she should make an effort to make a daily outing. Sunshine and fresh air are very important.

If she’s happy, she can do whatever she likes.

I personally find myself get cabin fever very quickly (for instance when kids are infectious and have to be kept away from others and we can’t do playdates at home or do outings). I’ve recently discovered the drive-thru for these occasions, which I think is the best thing ever. If only you could buy Gatorade, Baby Tylenol, and milk via a drive-thru…

There is also the option of child-proofing the cabin and locking yourself in the bathroom.

Seriously, though, my mom (with 8) liked to use her down time to call her sister. They laughed like crazy.

 

[Groo]

I am generally cautious about being too friendly with people at work. There is a risk of being misinterpreted at best and stabbed in the back at worst. I may find one good friend at most from a job. And even with such a friend I need to be a bit guarded.

The way I carve out support time is in the mornings. One morning a week I go to breakfast with a group of men I trust. This makes me late for work on that day, but my supervisor and I have an arrangement where I make up the time other days during the week. This is my dedicated time that I need to stay sane, and it doesn’t interfere with family activities and responsibilities in the evenings. This works for me, but would not be feasible for everybody.

 

[Mr_Lonely]

Thank you everyone for your kinds words and suggestions.

God bless!

 

[chemaeslay]

I’m married with 3 kids. I love my wife very much, and even though my kids can be a handful (all under 5), they are the joy in my life. As a father, I’m of the belief that my job is the love, provide, protect, and help guide my family. My wife and I don’t really have any close friends. My wife stays in contact with her sisters and cousins via texts, chats, etc. They all live fairly far away. I know she gets lonely and I know she sometimes gets overwhelmed staying home everyday with the kids. I try to do what I can, but what happens when I need some support? There is so much talk about the burdens of being a stay at home mom, but what about the father who feels that the world is on their shoulders? I know my wife loves me, but I don’t think she knows what to do, or can even acknowledge when I need help. Therefore, I’m left to my own devices.

We are practicing Catholics, although as of late we haven’t been that active, but the none the less, we consider ourselves devout Roman Catholics. I mention this because I know the Catholic response to life’s woes, “Go back to the Church.” “Put your faith in the Lord.” And I agree with all of this. I’m just looking for some feedback on what others have done in conjunction with the faith. Thank you for time and I appreciate any response to this thread.

My husband and I are married with 5 kids and I am a sahm as well. We have 3 boys that are 2 1/2 year sold, 16 months, and 2 months. So, as a sahm, my husband and I know how important it is to let mom go out alone from time to time. Not to go clubbin’, lol!!! But to get some time away the kidos and do some shopping or adoration without kids in her face. With that said, it is also (imo) VERY important to take your wife on dates from time to time. We try to go once every month or two. We, as well as you, cannot really afford to pay a babysitting fee for 5 kids. so what we do is we alternate babysitting with my brother. He has 4 children.him and his wife drop the kids off to us and go out and enjoy the evening. Then,in a couple weeks,it is our turn to go out.Maybe she could make friends with another mom in the area and do this with her(your local parish is a very good place to start looking for friends).
Also,it sounds tome like you need to open up to her… Tell her how you feel. I know its hard to have a serious conversation with the wee ones running around… Wait til’ they are asleep and sit and talk with your wife. Tell her everything that’s bothering you.She will help you She might not know something is wrong if you haven’t told her.Us wives can read our husbands pretty darn well but sometimes we miss it.
Maybe you guys need to make some friends too. But if you’re like us,we don’t really have time for friends lol…But its always nice to just have that one person you can go to outside of the marriage …talk to them and vent if you have to. This is healthy to have., even if its just ONE friend who you don’t even really hang out with but you know if you ever need to talk, they re there for you.
Also, (you had this coming lol)…you need to go back to mass!!! When my husband and I miss mass,our whole week is thrown off! Our children seem to be worse behaved, bad things happen,like our car breaks down, sometimes we get into arguments…all week is bad…Until we go to the next Sunday mass,then everything is fine! You need Jesus! your wife needs Jesus!Your relationship needs Jesus!!!This will help you in so many ways
God bless you and your wife and those babies! Hope everything works out!!

 

[chemaeslay]

Stop being such a wimp! ( not to be insensitive to any psychological issues) These are crosses we all have even in marriage!. Its the path to heaven. I am married , 5 kids love my wife, would never stray. I never go out with friends,I have 2 friends i text every now and then. Enjoy the good times and persevere thru the hard. Yes more hard than good, But that is life. IMO if life is boring and lonely feeling things are good!. If I was you I would go to adoration and sit with the Lord, I am sure he feels lonely as well and would love for you to come see him today.

I work 50hrs a week, I get out and see people at work, that about as much of American culture i can stomach. The godlessness is rampid your not missing ANYTHING. Go to red-box, Adoration, Whatever. Be friends with your spouse.

( Crystals Husband Andy)

EDIT: I just re thought about it, if your feeling lonely you are probably abandoning your wife and kids emotionally. when i feel lonely it just means i am missing my wife. Maybe your just feeling board and not lonely witch is something totally different. If i was your wife I would be let down by these words.

 

[Groo]

My husband and I are married with 5 kids and I am a sahm as well. We have 3 boys that are 2 1/2 year sold, 16 months, and 2 months. So, as a sahm, my husband and I know how important it is to let mom go out alone from time to time. Not to go clubbin’, lol!!! But to get some time away the kidos and do some shopping or adoration without kids in her face. With that said, it is also (imo) VERY important to take your wife on dates from time to time. We try to go once every month or two. We, as well as you, cannot really afford to pay a babysitting fee for 5 kids. so what we do is we alternate babysitting with my brother. He has 4 children.him and his wife drop the kids off to us and go out and enjoy the evening. Then,in a couple weeks,it is our turn to go out.Maybe she could make friends with another mom in the area and do this with her(your local parish is a very good place to start looking for friends).
Also,it sounds tome like you need to open up to her… Tell her how you feel. I know its hard to have a serious conversation with the wee ones running around… Wait til’ they are asleep and sit and talk with your wife. Tell her everything that’s bothering you.She will help you She might not know something is wrong if you haven’t told her.Us wives can read our husbands pretty darn well but sometimes we miss it.
Maybe you guys need to make some friends too. But if you’re like us,we don’t really have time for friends lol…But its always nice to just have that one person you can go to outside of the marriage …talk to them and vent if you have to. This is healthy to have., even if its just ONE friend who you don’t even really hang out with but you know if you ever need to talk, they re there for you.
Also, (you had this coming lol)…you need to go back to mass!!! When my husband and I miss mass,our whole week is thrown off! Our children seem to be worse behaved, bad things happen,like our car breaks down, sometimes we get into arguments…all week is bad…Until we go to the next Sunday mass,then everything is fine! You need Jesus! your wife needs Jesus!Your relationship needs Jesus!!!This will help you in so many ways
God bless you and your wife and those babies! Hope everything works out!!

So you’re a wife and stay at home mom.

 

[Groo]

Stop being such a wimp! ( not to be insensitive to any psychological issues) These are crosses we all have even in marriage!. Its the path to heaven. I am married , 5 kids love my wife, would never stray. I never go out with friends,I have 2 friends i text every now and then. Enjoy the good times and persevere thru the hard. Yes more hard than good, But that is life. IMO if life is boring and lonely feeling things are good!. If I was you I would go to adoration and sit with the Lord, I am sure he feels lonely as well and would love for you to come see him today.

I work 50hrs a week, I get out and see people at work, that about as much of American culture i can stomach. The godlessness is rampid your not missing ANYTHING. Go to red-box, Adoration, Whatever. Be friends with your spouse.

( Crystals Husband Andy)

EDIT: I just re thought about it, if your feeling lonely you are probably abandoning your wife and kids emotionally. when i feel lonely it just means i am missing my wife. Maybe your just feeling board and not lonely witch is something totally different. If i was your wife I would be let down by these words.

No, wait, you’re a husband!

 

[Groo]

Stop being such a wimp! ( not to be insensitive to any psychological issues) These are crosses we all have even in marriage!. Its the path to heaven. I am married , 5 kids love my wife, would never stray. I never go out with friends,I have 2 friends i text every now and then. Enjoy the good times and persevere thru the hard. Yes more hard than good, But that is life. IMO if life is boring and lonely feeling things are good!. If I was you I would go to adoration and sit with the Lord, I am sure he feels lonely as well and would love for you to come see him today.

I work 50hrs a week, I get out and see people at work, that about as much of American culture i can stomach. The godlessness is rampid your not missing ANYTHING. Go to red-box, Adoration, Whatever. Be friends with your spouse.

( Crystals Husband Andy)

EDIT: I just re thought about it, if your feeling lonely you are probably abandoning your wife and kids emotionally. when i feel lonely it just means i am missing my wife. Maybe your just feeling board and not lonely witch is something totally different. If i was your wife I would be let down by these words.

You’re not Your

And there are real people behind the keyboards here. Would you call a perfect stranger a wimp face-to-face? I somehow doubt it.

The real kicker was when you told the OP to go see Jesus right after you insulted him.

 

[Giggly_Giraffe]

Careers and family can often throw people to act in two different roles perpetually. Good employers will provide good health, savings, and update training. Now a customer service employee will be able to utilize a “personality trait” seminar to service the customers better. An accountant might not be able to have such a return on investment in the seminar (for the company); a seminar on new taxes would probably be better time for the accountant. Now the president, CEO’s, and human resources might do best with seminars on how to work with the media.

Now, the day time media, woman’s groups, and resources for the primary caregiver of the childreen are geared for this function. This replaces the corporations niche seminar training for the career individual. Now women are hard wired to have more conversation than men. It’s something like men use 7,000 words a day and women use 10,000 words. At work, men use up most of their words and have few left for the family. (Moral, pace yourself or make a sacrificial tries to talk more)This will create a greater demand for instruction on how to carry out their duties (balance work & family, how to maintain sanity as a stay at home caregiver). Too often the advice given assumes the connection to how the man relates.

IE Subject of touch: Pre-marriage, touch (hand holding, soft circle touches, caressing ) is desired by women. They have an abundance of this because women are hard wired to desire touch. Men during the pre-marriage stage are often overstimulated by the amount of touch going on. Enter marriage and childreen. The women now is saturated with touching, caressing, and kissing the children. Well, her seminars will remind her to include her husband in the caressing so he doesn’t feel neglected and this will allow him to talk more. Well, since the woman is the only one reading this, her husband is clueless and often misses his part of what is desired (more talking). So, the woman has identified her wants, and tries the advice without result and burns out. {the man talks more without response}.

The problem would be similar to the president taking too many “how to talk to the media” and the accountants taking too many " personality trait" seminars. Here the situation needs the president to set goals and to rally the employees (from janitors, through customer service, engineers, and human resources). Every man desires to be king; his household is where he can practice this. Here is where leadership material will help. Are presidents lonly? Yes they are. They can certainly talk with the best of the company, but the risk and consequences lay heavy on their shoulders. As an observer, people with the heaviest burdons are those who are going in the wrong direction thereby causing the consequences to manifest themselves in undesirable ways, thereby adding to the burden. Solution: more adoration time to be silent and listen to Gods direction.

 

[chemaeslay]

You’re not Your

And there are real people behind the keyboards here. Would you call a perfect stranger a wimp face-to-face? I somehow doubt it.

The real kicker was when you told the OP to go see Jesus right after you insulted him.

yes, I know there’s real ppl behind the keyboards. I am a real person too. what’s wrong with saying my opinion about OP…? isn’t that what we are all here for? I seen my wife responding to this post and I wanted to respond from a man’s pov. So I did. And yes, if some guy came up to me and said this same complaint , I would probably think he was being wimpy and I would indeed express my opinion to him. Thats just how I am. Sometimes I say the wrong tbings just like everyone else. But, it was only an opinion of mine. Marriage is hard but geesh, you’re wife should be your best buddy. …

 

[chemaeslay]

You’re not Your

really!? thanks for pointing that out!

 

[Mr_Lonely]

yes, I know there’s real ppl behind the keyboards. I am a real person too. what’s wrong with saying my opinion about OP…? isn’t that what we are all here for? I seen my wife responding to this post and I wanted to respond from a man’s pov. So I did. And yes, if some guy came up to me and said this same complaint , I would probably think he was being wimpy and I would indeed express my opinion to him. Thats just how I am. Sometimes I say the wrong tbings just like everyone else. But, it was only an opinion of mine. Marriage is hard but geesh, you’re wife should be your best buddy. …

Stating your opinion is fine. Insulting another under the context of your “opinion” is classless and tacky. I get what you are trying to say. The reason why I am soliciting advise is because I have seen countless marriages end in disaster due to the husband avoiding acting like a “wimp” as you call it. Let me guess, your strategy is to suck it up and be a man? Would you call Jesus a wimp for praying to His Father at the Garden of Gethsemane before he was to be crucified? He too understood the cross he needed to bear (literally), but he still reached out. I’m happy that you are able to find a happy balance in your marriage. Some of us are still trying to figure things out and are open to any advice we can get.

P.S.

I would caution about how you share your “opinions”. I knew someone back in the day that was also on the receiving end of others opinions. As pure as the intentions may be, the perceived tough love that they thought they were giving, resulted in that person committing suicide. I can assure you this won’t happen with me, but how comfortable are you if your “opinion” resulted in someone’s death.

 

[Sarah_Sinner]

Your oldest is 5, so he’s at least in preschool. Many of your “couples friends” will be the parents of the friends your child makes at school. It’s good for you and good for the kids! Is there another family that your wife enjoys that you could invite over for a barbecue/kids play date? What usually ends up happening is that the kids run off and play and the ladies do their thing and the guys can talk over a couple beers while barbecuing. That’s how you can relax and enjoy the company of others, ultimately making closer friends!

 

[chemaeslay]

I wouldn’t ever call anyone a wimp in a uncharitable fashion ever so I am Sorry ok ! however the spirit in which i said that was not meant to offend or insult, it was more a call to action.

I am married, I have kids, and I have NO FRIENDS at all. I don’t talk to any brothers or sisters or any one ever. Its just my wife and I and the kids always and I have found great joy in that so maybe im being insensitive but, I just think the OP kinda needs to sort out his feelings and don’t loose sight of how damaging this kind of thread could be to his wife if she read it. I’m just saying. If I said these words my wife would think I am board of her and I don’t make her happy. wouldn’t this be classified as the bad in good times or in bad, for better or for worse??? deal with it and focus on what you have. God gave you a family and a wife. She might drive you nuts at times but perseverance is needed and it is the path to heaven. maybe its just me but again sorry didn’t mean to offend

 

[chemaeslay]

Let me guess, your strategy is to suck it up and be a man?

Quite frankly,…yes