Married women - any practical advice for newly wed bride

  • Thread starter Thread starter bibagirl
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
From Housekeeping Monthly:
May 1955 Oh, My! My xh LOVED these rules. I tried to follow them. But a man who thinks like this probably has a screw loose. You mean men never beat their wives or cheated before 1960?
  1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed. If you have the luxury of cooking all day. Yes, women show love by feeding their families. Agreed.
  2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Unless the kids spilled paint all over the floor you’re supposed to have spotless when His Majesty comes through the front door. Then not so much time for the makeup and fresh look. Aren’t you glad you haven’t been hanging around work weary people all day? Eating bon bons and watching tv keeps you young and fresh looking.
  3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Because your day sorting socks was a riot of fun! And going to the mechanic and having the oil changed on the car was interesting. And standing in line at the bank was an unmitigated bliss. All so he doesn’t have to do it on his day off. What? You don’t get a day off? You mean you have to work weekends while he’s on the sofa watching NASCAR? Go fix dinner and stop complaining!
  4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables. That table better be neat because where else is he going to throw his keys and wallet and paw through the mail and leave it for you to clean up. Oh… and pick up those toys from the kids. It’s your job, you know.
  5. During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. That little voice inside your head that says "What about me? Why doesn’t anyone care if I have rest or order… drown it. Your job is to see to his satisfaction.
  6. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Blaring tv, fighting kids, noisy toys… It is your job to listen to all that garbage all day. 10 hours of screaming kids, crying babies and vacuum cleaners… daddy deserves peace. Not you. Stop whining. Lazy wench. You sit around all day doing nothing. Make the kids quiet for daddy.
  7. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Okay. I’ll bite. As long as he’s not thinking about his secretary at work. That puts a damper on things.
  8. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. He can find out about the stitches junior got when he’s had a chance to unwind. You mean you need to unwind? Shut up, lazy woman!
  9. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Hahaha. You’re just a girl. Nothing you say is really important.
  10. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. It’s your job to be the shock absorber of his life. Deal with it.
  11. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work. But wait… didn’t you spend all last night planning that gourmet dinner he was supposed to eat? Now what do you do with it? He hates leftovers. I personally tried that ignoring him staying out all night, but it still made me cry. I was a bad wife.
  12. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Get to work Geisha girl!
  13. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Just like his mommy.
  14. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. And when his girlfriend calls your house, don’t bring it up. It will spoil his comfy pillow and drink. I honestly tried this for years, not questioning his judgment and integrity. Don’t try this at home! Leave it to professionals!
  15. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. If you mouth off, the master of the house has the right to hit you against a wall. So shut yer yap. He’s ALWAYS fair! Yep!
  16. A good wife always knows her place. Five steps behind her man, picking up after him all the way.
 
When women left the home in the 1960s and entered the workplace, marital unhappiness. infidelity and divorce and illegitimate births skyrocketed. At that time, women started acting like men and men started acting like little boys, unable and unwilling to provide for, protect, love and commit to one woman. If this advice were followed today I believe that these social ills would almost cease to exist. Sadly, I think it’s far too late because it only works with men of integrity like the ones who stormed the beaches at Normandy. Men like that went extinct decades ago.

What crack pipe did the person who wrote this smoke?

I’ve never seen anything more demeaning to a partnership of marriage in my life. Nothing in here says the wife is anything but a servant. No intimation that a man is marrying anything other than a substitute mommy. No emotional or intellectual equal. No implication that the man owes his wife any care in return…

My own advice for a newly wed woman:

First pick a man who puts God first. If he is spiritually mature and has self control and integrity, every decision he makes in the marriage will be with the view that YOU are a child of God and he owes you the care and concern and love that God demands a husband show his wife. With a man like that you will be happy. Not his servant, not his slave, not his mommy, but his partner in helping him save his immortal soul.

Be prepared to laugh at the absurdity of this whole 1950s garbage written by someone who obviously never spent a day taking care of children or laundry or unclogging toilets and scrubbing floors and making emergency trips to the doctor, helping with homework and diapering small children, all with the possibility of being exhausted with another pregnancy.

Plan that being a wife and mother may be the most exhausting thing you ever did. Plan to be so tired some days all you can do is cry. Hope you don’t have to do all this AND work outside the home because your husband doesn’t earn enough to pay the bills. Hope he actually cares if YOU are ever at peace or comfortable or relaxed.

And if yours demands like mine did to know why I didn’t wear heels and pearls when I vacuumed the house like June Cleaver, try not to throw something at him. Because he obviously believes that tv shows and fantasy are reality. Only someone who never cleaned a house would ask that question.

I really can’t believe someone seriously put this degrading list here for a new bride.

My advice is SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD. If you BOTH are doing this, everything good will be added to you. Don’t try to seek it and hope he will go along for the ride. Make sure you marry a good man! Then treat him like a child of God also. And I know it may be heresy here, but I found out the hard way… don’t forget who YOU are along the way to becoming someone else’s wife and someone else’s mother. You had an identity before you got married. You are a person of value. Don’t ever forget that. And don’t ever settle for someone not treating you that way. Remember to fill your own well. It is not selfish to take care of yourself once in a while. If you don’t, you won’t be any good for your husband or children. Keep a strong prayer life. Pray with your husband every day.
 
Oh, thank you, Liberanosamalo!

I was hoping I wasn’t the only one giving a Scooby Doo style “huh?” when that was posted! I mean, come on people! That list is demeaning to the personhood of women in so many ways!

I am a fairly traditional stay-at-home wife and mother. And that list still makes me want to scream.

If my DH came home and found the house spotless and quiet, and me freshly made up, coiffed, and dressed to the nines, he would think he was in the wrong house.

Funny how, without all the artifice of make up, which I never wear, a neurotic focus on absolute tidiness, or forcing the children out of the way and shutting them in their rooms, my husband is still happy, and feels valued and well-cared-for. He likes that his kids get excited and greet him with yells of “Daddy!” when he gets home. How affirming must it be for several people to get ecstatic just because you walked through the door?

And besides, I know my husband has the strength of character to want me as I am, and to appreciate the genuine efforts I make for him, than to want me to look perfect on the outside while denying my individuality and personhood on the inside, and dying because of it. He knows that when I love him up, I MEAN it, I didn’t do it because some list told me to.

Plus, he wants me to talk. He wants to know what is going on with his kids, with me. He likes it when I talk politics and news with him. He values my mind as much as my body and my housekeeping skills.

For those of you who idealize the 50s, Valium addiction was rampant among housewives in the suburbs. So was alcoholism on both sides. Do the math.
 
Liberanosamalo said:
When women left the home in the 1960s and entered the workplace, marital unhappiness. infidelity and divorce and illegitimate births skyrocketed. At that time, women started acting like men and men started acting like little boys, unable and unwilling to provide for, protect, love and commit to one woman. If this advice were followed today I believe that these social ills would almost cease to exist. Sadly, I think it’s far too late because it only works with men of integrity like the ones who stormed the beaches at Normandy. Men like that went extinct decades ago.

What crack pipe did the person who wrote this smoke?

I’ve never seen anything more demeaning to a partnership of marriage in my life. Nothing in here says the wife is anything but a servant. No intimation that a man is marrying anything other than a substitute mommy. No emotional or intellectual equal. No implication that the man owes his wife any care in return…

My own advice for a newly wed woman:

First pick a man who puts God first. If he is spiritually mature and has self control and integrity, every decision he makes in the marriage will be with the view that YOU are a child of God and he owes you the care and concern and love that God demands a husband show his wife. With a man like that you will be happy. Not his servant, not his slave, not his mommy, but his partner in helping him save his immortal soul.

Be prepared to laugh at the absurdity of this whole 1950s garbage written by someone who obviously never spent a day taking care of children or laundry or unclogging toilets and scrubbing floors and making emergency trips to the doctor, helping with homework and diapering small children, all with the possibility of being exhausted with another pregnancy.

Plan that being a wife and mother may be the most exhausting thing you ever did. Plan to be so tired some days all you can do is cry. Hope you don’t have to do all this AND work outside the home because your husband doesn’t earn enough to pay the bills. Hope he actually cares if YOU are ever at peace or comfortable or relaxed.

And if yours demands like mine did to know why I didn’t wear heels and pearls when I vacuumed the house like June Cleaver, try not to throw something at him. Because he obviously believes that tv shows and fantasy are reality. Only someone who never cleaned a house would ask that question.

I really can’t believe someone seriously put this degrading list here for a new bride.

My advice is SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD. If you BOTH are doing this, everything good will be added to you. Don’t try to seek it and hope he will go along for the ride. Make sure you marry a good man! Then treat him like a child of God also. And I know it may be heresy here, but I found out the hard way… don’t forget who YOU are along the way to becoming someone else’s wife and someone else’s mother. You had an identity before you got married. You are a person of value. Don’t ever forget that. And don’t ever settle for someone not treating you that way. Remember to fill your own well. It is not selfish to take care of yourself once in a while. If you don’t, you won’t be any good for your husband or children. Keep a strong prayer life. Pray with your husband every day.
Click to expand...
Liberanosamalo you sound as if you have had a very trying, exhausting time in your own marriage, and yet you find the strength to battle on.

I appreciate what you´re saying about keeping my own identity and taking care of myself sometimes. I hope you yourself are getting an opportunity to do that, and I hope you are receiving the support you deserve. :console:
 
Musician, I agree with a lot of what you said, which reminds me of something else. Try to make your home an enjoyable place for your dh. Home is supposed to be the safe haven, the one place where he doesn’t have to put up with certain things, and sometimes I have to remind myself of this and think twice before talking, put myself in his position and think how I would feel if he was the one saying it to me. It has stopped me before from saying things that just weren’t necessary. Reminding myself that we are two halves of one whole also helps :). There is no reason to pick a petty fight with myself lol.
 
*Thank you Liberano!

I didn’t know what to say at first, reading that 1955 list. Glad it’s not 1955 anymore. 😉 Maybe we should go back to the days when women couldn’t vote either. :rolleyes:

I have been a SAHM, and have worked outside of the home–still do. My husband is not threatened by my success, nor do we compete for who the man of the house should be. He is very much a man, and me, the woman. How we treat each other is based on the fact that we put God first. I think that makes all the difference in the world.

I want to be with my husband because I love and cherish him, not because I’m dependent on him. I try my best to not usurp my husband’s role in our marriage, but at the same time, my husband cares about my thoughts, feelings, (name removed by moderator)ut. I don’t think that marriages work if the man is a dictator, and the woman, a dutiful housemaid. I think that yes, there have been a myriad of problems since the advent of radical feminism, but a strong secure man won’t be threatened by his wife’s career success. BOTH HUSBAND AND WIFE must place God, the marriage, and the kids before all else. I have heard stories of my aunts and uncles who were married and their husband hit them, cheated on them, yet these women stayed. I don’t believe all the marriages of yesteryear were bliss, when women weren’t working. The women had no options, in MANY cases, and stayed. Not saying there weren’t many great marriages, but women didn’t have choices back then. It was obey your husband at all costs. Sorry, I’d rather be single.

What makes a marriage not just last, but really work…is individual for each couple, but placing God first, is key. Prayer, sacrifice, becoming one flesh. Would you hurt yourself? Then, don’t hurt your spouse. Are you kind to yourself? Be kind to your spouse. Don’t compete with each other…and laugh a lot. Life throws many a curve ball at us, and if we adhere to cookie cutter type things…we won’t make it through. Be flexible, loving, supportive, and understanding…but also stand up for yourself if you have to. My husband is the deciding factor often times with things in our marriage, but he always consults my opinion.

Marriages that work for the long haul, are not threatened by one another’s differences and successes…rather, if you love the person you’re married to, you will celebrate those moments. I have been married 18 yrs…some blissful moments, some not so much, but we learned TOGETHER along the way, about how to grow in holiness as husband and wife. And the washer and dryer can be heard sometimes, and the kids sometimes are arguing when my husband walks in the door…gasp, and he still stayed with me. Go figure. 😃 *
 
While I think most of the advice here is great in principle, it won’t work in all situations.

My first piece of advice, is to forget most of the advice you’ve been given. You & your husband are individuals who (hopefully) through your courtship, engagement, and throughout your lives will get to know the ins & outs of each other. YOU two (and only you two) will know what suits you best.

Be prepared to adapt and have him adapt to the newness of living together as a married couple. It may be difficult sometimes and things may get said that were better left unsaid, feelings may get hurt, but there is merit to all this hardship. The man you marry will be different from the man you’re married to 6 months, 1 year, etc down the road. You will be different from who you are now at these times too. Try to adapt to one another’s changes and learn from previous mistakes (even those made by others).

Respect one another inside & out as well as keeping self-respect. Sometimes, although it seems contrary, you must put yourself before your husband and vice versa. However, you can do this without disrespecting one another. Be sure to keep this in mind when/if the time comes.

Love God first & together. Love your husband as well. Love your children as well. Make sure everything is done in love.
 
:rotfl: I have to laugh at “The List” posted above…
What about those husbands who WANT their wives to work outside the home? 🤷 That’s another whole can o’ worms… for another day 😛

I agree with KCT who posted above:
Keep priorities in order:
  1. God
  2. Spouse
  3. Kids
  4. other commitments (work, church etc)
Click to expand...
And PRAY together and for one another. 👍
 
So much good advice here, and I’m taking it all in as a still-newlywed!

We’re almost at our one year anniversary, and I don’t have much deep wisdom to add besides to reiterate what others have said. Pray together often. Spend quality time together–date night, dinner at the table where your conversation is focused on one another, weekend trips together because you can. My husband is my best friend, and our friendship has only grown since our marriage! Do little things to show that you love him. Be patient as you learn to live together, especially if he hasn’t lived on his own before. Forgive him. Don’t nag.

Remember that your goal is to get to heaven together, and that marriage is a vocation through which we receive God’s grace. He has some tough lessons to teach us–trust and self-denial and all that–as we strive for holiness. And it’s great to learn these lessons with one another and through one another.

…And re: THE LIST: It’s been proven to be a hoax. In fact, it was written by feminists who thought they exaggerated the stereotypical chauvinism of the '50s. I agree with the other posters here who take issue with the list and don’t think that it reflects a healthy Catholic perspective on marriage in the 21st century. Stereotypical “gender roles” aren’t part of the Catholic understanding of the vocation of marriage. Married men and women are called in different ways to give of themselves to one another in marriage, and this looks different for every couple.
 
Rach, really, a hoax??? lol Oh my gosh, I got so angry seeing that list…I’m embarassed…I thought it was a “real” list…😊😛
 
Best advice I got as a newlywed:

When your DH does something around the house like wash the dishes, fold the towels, dress the children, etc, **don’t **go behind him and redo it the way **you **would have done it, to your standard, etc.

This one is really hard to do some times… but it is SPOT ON advice.
 
I found some WONDERFUL books full of answers to the OPs questions… Kimberly Hahn anyone? She has 2 books out that go through marriage the Catholic way, though both are based on the Proverbs 31 woman.

The first, Chosen and Cherished, is about relations between spouses… solving arguments, keeping life respectful in stressful situations, the true place of the woman and the man according to God’s plan for marriage, etc. It’s a beautiful book that I really enjoyed, though I’m still discerning my vocation. I would HIGHLY recommend it.

The second one is called Graced and Gifted. I haven’t read it yet, but it’s subtitle is “Biblical Wisdom for the Homemaker’s Heart”. Flipping through it, I know it covers practical advice (how/who/what makes the dinners) as well as spiritual advice (who should be in your inner circle of loves, friendships, relations). Or something like that.

Anyway, it’s also a bible study, so that’s an option too.

May your marriage be forever witnessing God’s blessings!
hmm
 
I am surprised and a little sorry to see that all the points of the list have been refuted bitterly. With the exception of 11, 14, 15, and 16, the list is 100% solid IF a husband responds to his wife in a like manner. Placing your spouce (wife or husband) first before even yourself (though not before God) is foolproof if all parties are willing. I’m not married, but I have a wonderful, wonderful relationship and I feel much of that is because the two of us involved value our own satisfaction as nothing and each other’s as everything (all, of course, under God’s loving hand).
 
Primox said:
I am surprised and a little sorry to see that all the points of the list have been refuted bitterly. With the exception of 11, 14, 15, and 16, the list is 100% solid IF a husband responds to his wife in a like manner. Placing your spouce (wife or husband) first before even yourself (though not before God) is foolproof if all parties are willing. I’m not married, but I have a wonderful, wonderful relationship and I feel much of that is because the two of us involved value our own satisfaction as nothing and each other’s as everything (all, of course, under God’s loving hand).
Click to expand...
Although I don´t wish to prolong discussion of “the list” much further, I´m with you on this Primox. With the exception of 11, 14, 15 and 16, the rest are just about putting your partner first.

In fact I had a few very tough weeks at work and MY HUSBAND put into practice most of “the list”, having a beautiful dinner ready for me when I (finally) arrived home each night, having the place tidy, helping me to unwind and cheering me up etc. Most of it is just consideration for the other person. When I arrived home exhausted, very stressed and starving, well I really appreciated his thoughtfulness. So if he´s ever in the position of being the more stressed one, I know I´ll do it for him as he unquestioningly did for me when I needed it.

That said, we don´t have kids so I´m sure that changes everything.
 
bibagirl said:
I´m recently married and would love to get advice on being a wife from those who know best - other wives!

I´d love to hear some advice on practical issues such as husbands, martial relations, housekeeping, babies etc.

Basically stuff you would have like if people had told you when you were a newly wed.

Look forward to hearing from you all 🙂
Click to expand...
First of all, Congratulations on your marriage!!! :extrahappy:

My only words of wisdom are from my mother and it took her years to figure it out. If there is something you want him to do (or do better) praise him about it. My dad has never been one of those spontaniously romantic people-- in fact he’d never even been hugged, beyond age six, until he met my mother in his early twenties-- but one day he brought her flowers for no reason. What woman wouldn’t be stunned beyond words at that? My mom was so thrilled, especially after the rotten day she’d had that day, that she thanked him many times and told him how much she appreaciated it in a completley honest way but after that now about four or five times a year he’ll just come home with a handfull of some pretty flowers that he picked from the side of the road on his walk home from work.

Cool, huh?

Also, from my own personal experience, unless you have an extremely organized, self-aware husband, don’t expect him to answer the “what would you like for supper” question at breakfast… or at all. 🙂 I got soooooo sick of the “I don’t care” answer, really fast. (He’s a chef so by the time he gets home he doesn’t want to think about food any longer, imagine that, right? :p)

So keep date night, love each other, praise don’t criticize and don’t ask “what for supper”… Congratulations again! I wish you the best of everything! God Bless!!!

:signofcross:
 
bibagirl said:
In fact I had a few very tough weeks at work and MY HUSBAND put into practice most of “the list”, having a beautiful dinner ready for me when I (finally) arrived home each night, having the place tidy, helping me to unwind and cheering me up etc.
Click to expand...
That’s awesome! You’ve got a good man 🙂
 
1ke said:
Best advice I got as a newlywed:

When your DH does something around the house like wash the dishes, fold the towels, dress the children, etc, **don’t **go behind him and redo it the way **you **would have done it, to your standard, etc.

This one is really hard to do some times… but it is SPOT ON advice.
Click to expand...
This one is funny for me because it would be the opposite. Whenvever I did dishes my boyfriend (hopefully future DH) would complain and redo them. I’m not supposed to do dishes anymore. 👍
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top