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ac_claire
Guest
Aw…really? Well I really liked the list. With the exception of 2 or 3 of the tips, I was nodding my head and considering each one lol.
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Amber2
Guest
Dear Liberanosamalo
Also THANK YOU from me for your posts.
That list just gave me chills all over. I am happy too that I don’t live in the 50s
Amber, who would give the advise to always treat your spouse with respect and demand the same thing of him.
Also THANK YOU from me for your posts.
That list just gave me chills all over. I am happy too that I don’t live in the 50s
Amber, who would give the advise to always treat your spouse with respect and demand the same thing of him.
I
iluvmybabies
Guest
Congratulations on your new marriage! GOD BLESS!!!
For me it’s GOD, children, husband, family, friends, others…
Because first of all, husband’s know children need undivided attention at all times, and if they don’t know or understand that well then you end up like me, divorced and single mom of 3 kids because husband didn’t want kids to begin with, according to my exhusband “you’re the one that opened your legs!”…LOL men what are you going to do!!
But anyhow, I am sure your hubby is a great man and you won’t have many problems just the regular ones that help keep the relationship SPICY!!! lol You need spice once in a while! LOL
Anyhow, back to the important things…Always keep communication, never hold anything back from each other, believe me when you start holding things in man that’s just a call for trouble…Be clear and honest with each other, and if you can’t compromise find someone-here in the forums or counselor or priest to help you both reach an even ground… Never tell your family about your problems, whatever they may be…I kept all my problems between my bf and myself away from them because it makes things worst…When I was married with to my first husband, I would listen to mother and confide in her, made things horrible between us…especially when I would tell them he didn’t want children!! Yeah I was a noob and I do regret opening my mouth to my family…
Whatever problems you have, can be worked out…Anything and everything can be worked out…Just confide in GOD over everything. Try to always pray together, you know what they say “the family that prays together stays together!” I do believe that because my father was an abusive husband but sober they prayed together, going on 40 years parent’s still married and in a very amazingly romantic relationship now!! They act like newly weds now…lol it’s funny but sweet!!! I am proud of them!
Never be afraid of being yourself, if your husand can’t accept you for whom you are well don’t know what to say there because I am a stubborn jack *** and I would leave, that’ll teach him!! LOL jkjkjk But don’t change to please anyone…you are whom GOD made you to be and that’s it…I’m a goof and a clown, even embarrasses my 11 year old daughter, lol, but my bf looks at me with these loving eyes and fills my heart because he tells me he wouldn’t have me any other way! He cracks up at me and I am glad I can make him laugh the way he makes me laugh!
Try to always have “alone time.” This is another reason my first marriage was doomed! I never had any alone time with him, it was always children and family, not hubby! So even if it’s an hour of adult alone time to read together, to watch tv to talk or to make love, do it… on a daily basis!! I am not saying sex is the number one thing no it isn’t but it keeps the love and union going, not only that but even if you spend an hour talking, or holding each other that’s romantic quality time together and will keep the flame and passion alive…
Try to share duties, if you both work do the 50/50 thing…even when the children come, keep it 50/50…It will keep things lighter for both of you and less stress as well, that way neither one gets overwhelmed at all!!! And I don’t think anything is by the “book” just remember to keep communication and even the most difficult times will be a lot easier to deal with…other wise you will not be happy with your married life at all…
Have patience with hubby, and ask him to have patience with you as well…
If you are not ready for children yet, compromise on seeking NFP counselor and speak with your priest together…Take as many NFP classes as possible, believe me you will be a lot more happier giving NFP a try then leaving it to chance or to have your hubby ask you for bcps…IF you can both learn together and can agree to work together hard with NFP you will become a stronger and closer couple…And then when you are ready for children you will be happier with your decisions and enjoy your blessings together…
Good luck and God bless!
B
bibagirl
Guest
TamaraSieja that´s so true!! I DO ask the “what do you want for supper” question at breakfast …and it DOES drive my hubby mad… gotta stop that fast so! The other suggestions are good sensible advice. It´s so much easier to criticise than praise so I´ll have t otry harder at the praise bit, and date night is a must-do, many other posters have said the same.So keep date night, love each other, praise don’t criticize and don’t ask “what for supper”… Congratulations again! I wish you the best of everything! God Bless!!!
Thanks
D
Dani_Girl0517
Guest
Okay I have to throw my hat in the ring here. I haven’t been married a year yet so take this with a grain of salt. You have to figure out what works for your specific situation and your relationship. You should always put God first and then family and then other as has been previously stated. In OUR home what works may not work for everyone else.
I have seen “The List” before and actually adhere to it overall. I have also read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura (also taken with a grain of salt!!!) which is similar standards and adhere to that. I put my husband first and it feels good for ME. He treats me like a queen and we are both happy with him working and me being a housewife most of the time and seasonally working for his company. This is what we agreed upon before we got married though. His only chore inside the house is to take out the garbage unless I’ve already done that too. However he busts his behind at a very physically and mentally taxing job so I’m happy to do it. Again, that works for us and how our lives are structured. I have times where I get selfish and want to sit and watch tv or play the wii (so fun) instead of pumice-ing hard water streaks from the toilet for half an hour or just tell him to make his own dinner (it would be a disaster) instead of doing it myself, but I mentally slap myself, say a prayer, and remind myself that he deserves all I can do for him because he does all he can for me.
We don’t have kids yet, but I’d say that your DH helping you do NFP charting is beneficial because it can help him understand why you are being “insane, irrational, and mean” LOL. This goes for if you are trying to conceive, trying to abstain, or even if you don’t care. It’s good practice and should something go wrong it’s nice to have something to take to the Dr. believe me, I made her look at my charts!
I do implement the wait 30 min before talking to him rule. During that time I give him chips and salsa and some beverage and either get dinner going or finish it. After that 30 minutes though, I talk his ear off. We talk about everything starting with pleasantries like “How was your day,” blah blah to “Oh I read this article and I wondered what you thought.” Talk about everything, seriously! We don’t have kids yet but we talk about how we want to approach things, how it will change our lives, what we expect the other one to do regarding parenting. And the same goes for any situation. Talking will eliminate some of the “Well I just assumed you would…” Or “I thought you felt like I did about… so I just went ahead and …” Like I said, I do all the cooking and cleaning right now, but we have talked about me giving him some small cooking lessons and cleaning lessons so that when I do get pregnant and have been “worshiping at the porcelain altar” all day and ask for pancakes for dinner or something, he can deliver it, give me a cool wash cloth and go clean the bathroom. LOL. Talking about your expectations helps you prepare and even in our super traditional house my DH is willing to take over my load of responsibilities when necessary.
Be friends! DH and I were friends first and dated for 8 years before we got married. We go to sleep saying silly things like, “You’re my best friend,” because it’s true. I know people say they’d rather hang out with a girlfriend or their mother or whatever, but if you had to cut someone out of your life for some reason, would it be your spouse or your friend? It shouldn’t be your spouse. Being lovers is truly important, but being friends will get you through the times when you can’t handle the lovin’ aspect of the relationship due to a new baby, surgery, sadness, or whatever is going on.
When good couples don’t agree:
Some great advise we recieved in pre-marital councilling from the priest was to take issues that can’t be resolved to his parents or him taking his issues to yours. It is uncomfortable at first, but it works. Your parents will always love you but can easily hold things against your spouse. By talking to the in-laws you get a less biased opinion (though it seems you wouldn’t you do!) and double plus bonus, sometimes they have insight to why your spouse feels a certain way or if they side with you will talk calmly to your spouse as your advocate. This isn’t for every little thing, but for serious issues that you are at a stalemate on.
Fight fair. When we fight (oh, boy when we fight…) it is about the situation at present. Not any semi-related fight from the past. We don’t say, “Oh you just think that because you are stupid just like you father,” ect. Also, I can’t stay in a fight long, that’s my personality. When I’m done I have to check out and have some ME time. Now that he understands that and doesn’t follow me, our fights are shorter and neither of us ends up exhausted. When I’m done, I say so, leave the room and go pout and stew in our bedroom or in the bathtub or wherever and about a half hour later I come back and apologize, then he does and we work things out. While it may seem that this is a daily or hourly occurrence at first, it does end up being less and less until now I don’t remember the last time it was so heated. Also, don’t go to bed angry. Old advise but still has shine to it. Sometimes it’s 1 am and you have to sleep, but seriously if possible, figure it out before you hit the sheets and you’ll both sleep better. If you fight fair, you will still be friends in the morning.
Okay this is way long and I clearly don’t have all the answers, but I hope it helps along with everyone else’s advise. Good luck, God bless, and we’re all here when you need to vent to someone that won’t get back to your spouse!
I have seen “The List” before and actually adhere to it overall. I have also read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura (also taken with a grain of salt!!!) which is similar standards and adhere to that. I put my husband first and it feels good for ME. He treats me like a queen and we are both happy with him working and me being a housewife most of the time and seasonally working for his company. This is what we agreed upon before we got married though. His only chore inside the house is to take out the garbage unless I’ve already done that too. However he busts his behind at a very physically and mentally taxing job so I’m happy to do it. Again, that works for us and how our lives are structured. I have times where I get selfish and want to sit and watch tv or play the wii (so fun) instead of pumice-ing hard water streaks from the toilet for half an hour or just tell him to make his own dinner (it would be a disaster) instead of doing it myself, but I mentally slap myself, say a prayer, and remind myself that he deserves all I can do for him because he does all he can for me.
We don’t have kids yet, but I’d say that your DH helping you do NFP charting is beneficial because it can help him understand why you are being “insane, irrational, and mean” LOL. This goes for if you are trying to conceive, trying to abstain, or even if you don’t care. It’s good practice and should something go wrong it’s nice to have something to take to the Dr. believe me, I made her look at my charts!
I do implement the wait 30 min before talking to him rule. During that time I give him chips and salsa and some beverage and either get dinner going or finish it. After that 30 minutes though, I talk his ear off. We talk about everything starting with pleasantries like “How was your day,” blah blah to “Oh I read this article and I wondered what you thought.” Talk about everything, seriously! We don’t have kids yet but we talk about how we want to approach things, how it will change our lives, what we expect the other one to do regarding parenting. And the same goes for any situation. Talking will eliminate some of the “Well I just assumed you would…” Or “I thought you felt like I did about… so I just went ahead and …” Like I said, I do all the cooking and cleaning right now, but we have talked about me giving him some small cooking lessons and cleaning lessons so that when I do get pregnant and have been “worshiping at the porcelain altar” all day and ask for pancakes for dinner or something, he can deliver it, give me a cool wash cloth and go clean the bathroom. LOL. Talking about your expectations helps you prepare and even in our super traditional house my DH is willing to take over my load of responsibilities when necessary.
Be friends! DH and I were friends first and dated for 8 years before we got married. We go to sleep saying silly things like, “You’re my best friend,” because it’s true. I know people say they’d rather hang out with a girlfriend or their mother or whatever, but if you had to cut someone out of your life for some reason, would it be your spouse or your friend? It shouldn’t be your spouse. Being lovers is truly important, but being friends will get you through the times when you can’t handle the lovin’ aspect of the relationship due to a new baby, surgery, sadness, or whatever is going on.
When good couples don’t agree:
Some great advise we recieved in pre-marital councilling from the priest was to take issues that can’t be resolved to his parents or him taking his issues to yours. It is uncomfortable at first, but it works. Your parents will always love you but can easily hold things against your spouse. By talking to the in-laws you get a less biased opinion (though it seems you wouldn’t you do!) and double plus bonus, sometimes they have insight to why your spouse feels a certain way or if they side with you will talk calmly to your spouse as your advocate. This isn’t for every little thing, but for serious issues that you are at a stalemate on.
Fight fair. When we fight (oh, boy when we fight…) it is about the situation at present. Not any semi-related fight from the past. We don’t say, “Oh you just think that because you are stupid just like you father,” ect. Also, I can’t stay in a fight long, that’s my personality. When I’m done I have to check out and have some ME time. Now that he understands that and doesn’t follow me, our fights are shorter and neither of us ends up exhausted. When I’m done, I say so, leave the room and go pout and stew in our bedroom or in the bathtub or wherever and about a half hour later I come back and apologize, then he does and we work things out. While it may seem that this is a daily or hourly occurrence at first, it does end up being less and less until now I don’t remember the last time it was so heated. Also, don’t go to bed angry. Old advise but still has shine to it. Sometimes it’s 1 am and you have to sleep, but seriously if possible, figure it out before you hit the sheets and you’ll both sleep better. If you fight fair, you will still be friends in the morning.
Okay this is way long and I clearly don’t have all the answers, but I hope it helps along with everyone else’s advise. Good luck, God bless, and we’re all here when you need to vent to someone that won’t get back to your spouse!
M
MercyMia
Guest
Try and look at your husband with adoration and love everyday. Picture him as God sees him, even when he you are feeling anger towards him. Make the Eucharist a part of your every thoughts and existance, I think the mystery of the Eucharist is the secret to seeing what marriage really is to us.
S
smallcat
Guest
I haven’t read the whole thread, so I apologize if this is a repeat of what someone’s already said, but here’s my nugget:
If you want your DH to do something (chores, dinner) or give you something (particular birthday present, more hugs, a phone call before he leaves work), ASK him. Don’t drop hints around and make “suggestions” or sigh and roll your eyes and hope he’ll catch on. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. Mine never did. It was much simpler for both of us when I got it through my thick head that I should just be straightforward and tell him what I wanted and/or needed. Who would’a guessed?
If you want your DH to do something (chores, dinner) or give you something (particular birthday present, more hugs, a phone call before he leaves work), ASK him. Don’t drop hints around and make “suggestions” or sigh and roll your eyes and hope he’ll catch on. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. Mine never did. It was much simpler for both of us when I got it through my thick head that I should just be straightforward and tell him what I wanted and/or needed. Who would’a guessed?
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SaltySirena
Guest
I couldn’t disagree with this more. You should not be dragging your parents into your private marital business. I sure don’t want people mulling over the details of my last big fight with my husband while giving me sidelong glances along the Thanksgiving table! This is where priests, counselors, people sworn to confidentiality should be used. There is a boundary that should exist around a marriage into which no other family members should ever enter. There is such a thing as privacy.
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Dani_Girl0517
Guest
Well, as I said many times, whatever works for you. I never would have used this advise and gone to my husband’s parents had I not asked his permission first, and it’s not for everyday quibbles. However when it comes to something big it is useful in my experience. We are a close knit family and it works for us. For instance, my husband started smoking when friends (smokers) came over or when he was with them. I HATE smoking, I think it’s disgusting and detestable. Plus, my asthma flares up when his clothes reek of smoke. I politely asked him not to and he said fine. Then I smelled it again and he said it wasn’t cigarettes it was hooka (cigarette through water bong thing, not pot though) and I told him it didn’t matter it was still smoking. The next time he came home he wouldn’t let me hug or kiss him and was very abrasive (but I still smelled it when he ran by) and he tore off his clothes shoved them in the bottom of the hamper and zoomed into the shower. This took the cake because he clearly didn’t care how I felt about it and was trying to hide it. All of this took place over a matter of months, but it was a big issue for me. Not only did he break his promise to me, he tried to lie and then hide it. That’s when I asked him if I could talk to his dad about it. His dad is a smoker. After talking for a while he asked my husband to come over and when he got there, they talked about it. Well, DH doesn’t smoke anymore. Seeing that it wasn’t just me being ridiculous and hearing from a smoker that what he was doing was wrong made him wake up. If you don’t feel comfortable, don’t do it, but it has worked for us when we were at a standstill.
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ac_claire
Guest
Hi bibagirl, thanks for opening this thread. I’m engaged to be married this winter so I’m reading all the replies with interest.
IMO, the answer to your above question is husband comes first, then children. This doesn’t mean that the kids are in second place in your heart, but I think that just acknoledging this priority is important. The best thing you can give your kids is a stable, steady home. The stronger and more united and loving their parents are, the more the kids will be able to relax and thrive in the knowledge that their family is secure. Especially in this day and age where divorce and broken familes (and re-marriage and stepfamilies, etc.) are an unforunate norm. They’ll see it happen all around them with their friends’ parents, but they can have the security of knowing that their own parents are 100% solid.
Just my :twocents:. God bless!
S
SaltySirena
Guest
I’ve seen this “husband first, kids second” thing a couple times on this thread now, and I have to respond.
The marriage absolutely must be a high priority. I agree that kids need a stable, loving home headed by their own affectionate, bonded parents.
However, I have seen the sentiment that the marriage must be placed first and children second in too many “parenting” guides like Babywise and other books that basically instruct parents to neglect their children’s emotional needs, and in the case of Babywise, even to be abusive. It seems to go hand in hand with a Protestant idea of children born essentially depraved and evil and having to be formed correctly into obedient children.
That origin makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, my DH and I have been interrupted in what promised to be some really great lovemaking by a baby who needed to be nursed. I am not going to let baby scream so I can have my fun first. (Besides, who could, anyway?) We have had to give up planned date nights for sick kids. We have lost out on movie and snuggle on the couch because a child needed homework help.
Children do not ask to be born. Since we choose to create them, with God’s help, I think our first obligation must be to them. Mature, grown up adults can learn to wait. Yes, the health of the marraige needs to be very high priority, but I am not sure it should trump all else, especially when there are children.
The marriage absolutely must be a high priority. I agree that kids need a stable, loving home headed by their own affectionate, bonded parents.
However, I have seen the sentiment that the marriage must be placed first and children second in too many “parenting” guides like Babywise and other books that basically instruct parents to neglect their children’s emotional needs, and in the case of Babywise, even to be abusive. It seems to go hand in hand with a Protestant idea of children born essentially depraved and evil and having to be formed correctly into obedient children.
That origin makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, my DH and I have been interrupted in what promised to be some really great lovemaking by a baby who needed to be nursed. I am not going to let baby scream so I can have my fun first. (Besides, who could, anyway?) We have had to give up planned date nights for sick kids. We have lost out on movie and snuggle on the couch because a child needed homework help.
Children do not ask to be born. Since we choose to create them, with God’s help, I think our first obligation must be to them. Mature, grown up adults can learn to wait. Yes, the health of the marraige needs to be very high priority, but I am not sure it should trump all else, especially when there are children.
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ac_claire
Guest
With all due respect, I don’t think it’s quite fair to try to discredit a postion such as one’s marriage being the first priority in a family by immediately taking it to a ridiculous extreme such as neglecting/abusing children; or comparing it to wierd Protestant heresies.
I actually learned this principle from a Catholic priest, and had it affirmed by other Catholic marriage guides…I’m also very familiar with the Protestant fundamentalist “children have a sin nature” idea so I know that the two aren’t really organically related.
The principle is still a sound one for the reasons I mentioned in my last post.
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SaltySirena
Guest
All I am saying is that is where I personally saw the idea expressed, and vehemently.
Perhaps my bias toward attachment parenting also taints my thinking on this. I freely admit that.
L
Leonius
Guest
My advice is to not take any of Liberanosamalo advice as her judgement is badly effected by her negative experiences of marriage to the point where she seems to think every man is like her husband and everyone’s marriage is going to end up as hers did.
Her mistake was not anythig she did or didn’t do in the marriage, her mistake was picking the wrong man to marry in the first place.
If you get that decision right your marriage will be fine.
I ask you all to pray for her that God heals her of the bitterness that is causing her such pain.
There is nothign wrong with the list and most husbands would appreciate their wife doing all those things for them. While some of the wording can be seen as demeaning the actual suggestions are not.
My positive advice is to take St. Monica as your role model.
Her mistake was not anythig she did or didn’t do in the marriage, her mistake was picking the wrong man to marry in the first place.
If you get that decision right your marriage will be fine.
I ask you all to pray for her that God heals her of the bitterness that is causing her such pain.
There is nothign wrong with the list and most husbands would appreciate their wife doing all those things for them. While some of the wording can be seen as demeaning the actual suggestions are not.
My positive advice is to take St. Monica as your role model.
S
SaltySirena
Guest
Leonius, I think that was very unfair. Yes, Liberanosamalo had a bad marriage. From what I have seen she uses that to support and offer wisdom to other women who may be in that place. I have never seen her assume that a man is bad without the wife saying he has some problem or other.
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SaltySirena
Guest
Be careful. I said exactly the same thing and was told it was “ugly.” (See the Dr. Laura thread if you want to see the discussion.)
L
Leonius
Guest
She also uses it to fill other women with animosity towards men,
She is spreading negative stereotypes of men here.
Above she is quite blatantly saying all men are bad today.
She needs healing which is why I asked for prayers for her, rather than praising her and encouraging her to continue to wallow in her bitterness towards men.
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ac_claire
Guest
Yeah I saw that discussion. I think you were right on. Sometimes the truth is ugly. Also, just because a person should have chosen their spouse better doesn’t excuse an abusive or alcoholic, etc. spouse from their own sins in the marriage. It’s just an ackowledgement of the truth of the situation. It always takes two.
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ac_claire
Guest
Amen.
The only one I had a real problem with is the not even mentioning it if your husband decides to stay out all night lol.
L
Leonius
Guest
Truth is repugnant to worldlings.
- Status