Married women - any practical advice for newly wed bride

[NSFrame]

I am shocked that anyone would put “children before husband”. Husband always comes first. The marriage is the foundation of the rest of the family. The children depend upon the marriage, therefore the marriage must come first.

Do I think that means ignoring a hungry baby wanting to nurse in order to snuggle (or otherwise!) with your husband? That would be absurd. No good mother would do that. We of course need to attend to children’s emotional and physical needs as the best parents we can be. And while they are babies, there are some sacrifices most spouses must make to get through that hectic period. Attending to our spouse’s needs in the long run, though, in some ways is more difficult and is even more important.

Anyway, so that’s my advice. Make sure your husband is the #1 person in your life, even after yourself (and that is the tough little thing to get past).

Smaller hints -
Guys love it when you compliment them and let them know you think they are gorgeous, funny, great providers, etc.
Make the food he loves and his special dishes - even if you’re cooking only part of the time the sentiment is the same.
Don’t roll your eyes at his little quirks or ideas or interests or ever demean him in any way. Be a positive force in his life.
And HAVE FUN. Continue to laugh and joke and don’t ever stop. This is such an incredible binding force.
Frankly, guys want you to stay the same as the fun-loving, beautiful woman they married. While that’s never going to happen (fortunately for most of us!), do not stop being fun-loving and beautiful.

I have only been married 3 yrs 10 mos but have known each other for 9 yrs now and we are still having a wonderful time together.

 

[ac_claire]

^^Yes, exactly! Excellent post.

 

[Primox]

I am shocked that anyone would put “children before husband”. Husband always comes first. The marriage is the foundation of the rest of the family. The children depend upon the marriage, therefore the marriage must come first.

Mmh, I thought this was unusual too. Great point. How can something come before that which has become one flesh with another?

 

[bibagirl]

I haven’t read the whole thread, so I apologize if this is a repeat of what someone’s already said, but here’s my nugget:

If you want your DH to do something (chores, dinner) or give you something (particular birthday present, more hugs, a phone call before he leaves work), ASK him. Don’t drop hints around and make “suggestions” or sigh and roll your eyes and hope he’ll catch on. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t. Mine never did. It was much simpler for both of us when I got it through my thick head that I should just be straightforward and tell him what I wanted and/or needed. Who would’a guessed?

This is good advice. I learned this some time ago when hinting about birthday gifts and such. With my husband it just doesn´t work!!

 

[bibagirl]

When good couples don’t agree:
Some great advise we recieved in pre-marital councilling from the priest was to take issues that can’t be resolved to his parents or him taking his issues to yours. It is uncomfortable at first, but it works. Your parents will always love you but can easily hold things against your spouse. By talking to the in-laws you get a less biased opinion (though it seems you wouldn’t you do!) and double plus bonus, sometimes they have insight to why your spouse feels a certain way or if they side with you will talk calmly to your spouse as your advocate. This isn’t for every little thing, but for serious issues that you are at a stalemate on.

Fight fair. When we fight (oh, boy when we fight…) it is about the situation at present. Not any semi-related fight from the past. We don’t say, “Oh you just think that because you are stupid just like you father,” ect. Also, I can’t stay in a fight long, that’s my personality. When I’m done I have to check out and have some ME time. Now that he understands that and doesn’t follow me, our fights are shorter and neither of us ends up exhausted. When I’m done, I say so, leave the room and go pout and stew in our bedroom or in the bathtub or wherever and about a half hour later I come back and apologize, then he does and we work things out. While it may seem that this is a daily or hourly occurrence at first, it does end up being less and less until now I don’t remember the last time it was so heated. Also, don’t go to bed angry. Old advise but still has shine to it. Sometimes it’s 1 am and you have to sleep, but seriously if possible, figure it out before you hit the sheets and you’ll both sleep better. If you fight fair, you will still be friends in the morning.

Okay this is way long and I clearly don’t have all the answers, but I hope it helps along with everyone else’s advise. Good luck, God bless, and we’re all here when you need to vent to someone that won’t get back to your spouse!

Dani_girl0517 congratulations on your marriage. It´s great to see people so happy in marriage (especially after reading poor Librenosdemalo´s disheartening post).

Your suggestion about bringing problems to the In-Laws, while it works for you, would not work for us. I don´t think our parents would even agree to it. Both sets of parents view of marriage is that “it´s you two against everybody else” and that it´s a solid unit that´s self-supporting (each spouse supports and respects the other, without needing outsiders) and both sets of parents have been happily married for over 30 years so it works for them.

I agree with you about fighting fair and making up before going to bed. I hadn´t heard about the “30 minute rule” but now that you mention it, it makes sense. I myself was unable to think straight right after a tough day at work, so I shouldn´t expect him to. Now that I think of it, my mother used always leave my father alone when he came in so there must be something to it (she just gives him a hello kiss - so sweet - they alway kiss hello and goodbye after 35 years of marriage).

Thanks for the uplifting post. May you and your husband continue to enjoy such happiness as you have to date.

 

[bibagirl]

Hi bibagirl, thanks for opening this thread. I’m engaged to be married this winter so I’m reading all the replies with interest.

IMO, the answer to your above question is husband comes first, then children. This doesn’t mean that the kids are in second place in your heart, but I think that just acknoledging this priority is important. The best thing you can give your kids is a stable, steady home. The stronger and more united and loving their parents are, the more the kids will be able to relax and thrive in the knowledge that their family is secure. Especially in this day and age where divorce and broken familes (and re-marriage and stepfamilies, etc.) are an unforunate norm. They’ll see it happen all around them with their friends’ parents, but they can have the security of knowing that their own parents are 100% solid.

Just my :twocents:. God bless!

Hi ac claire - congratulations on your upcoming marriage!! I hope you aren´t been driven too crazy by the details of the wedding - most people around me were more concerned about the “party” side of my wedding day than the spiritual side - one friend even congratulated me on the mass (which was beautiful and meaningful) saying “it was a great mass because it seemed quite short” !! I was so angry at her but she really meant it as a compliment - so sad

My gut feeling is the same as yours - that the husband should come first. Surely children are the **result **of the union, not the purpose. I say this because I see plenty of couples very much in love until they have their first child and then they seem to forget about each other and invest everything in the child. In our pre-marriage course they showed us an Italian film Casomai which touches this subject. Also our teachers on the pre-marriage course, two different couples, each had 6 children each and both couples affirmed that they put their spouse above all.

However that said, I do not yet have any children and I´m sure it´s very difficult to put your husband first when the child wants all of your attention. Of course you´re going to attend to all your child´s needs and give it abundant love, but I see here in Spain a situation where mothers have children very late (first time mothers are usually mid 30s now), they work (usually office hours, until 8pm), and of course the small amount of time they have with the child they spend exclusively with the child and not the husband. The children are tired and cranky, spoilt and clingy and the husbands are left on the side. It´s catch 22 - these women can´t win, they have to either neglect the child or the husband, and they chose to neglect the husband. The children are horribly spoilt and naughty and make life impossible for their mothers. I don´t want this to happen to me!!

 

[bibagirl]

I am shocked that anyone would put “children before husband”. Husband always comes first. The marriage is the foundation of the rest of the family. The children depend upon the marriage, therefore the marriage must come first.

Do I think that means ignoring a hungry baby wanting to nurse in order to snuggle (or otherwise!) with your husband? That would be absurd. No good mother would do that. We of course need to attend to children’s emotional and physical needs as the best parents we can be. And while they are babies, there are some sacrifices most spouses must make to get through that hectic period. Attending to our spouse’s needs in the long run, though, in some ways is more difficult and is even more important.

Anyway, so that’s my advice. Make sure your husband is the #1 person in your life, even after yourself (and that is the tough little thing to get past).

Smaller hints -
Guys love it when you compliment them and let them know you think they are gorgeous, funny, great providers, etc.
Make the food he loves and his special dishes - even if you’re cooking only part of the time the sentiment is the same.
Don’t roll your eyes at his little quirks or ideas or interests or ever demean him in any way. Be a positive force in his life.
And HAVE FUN. Continue to laugh and joke and don’t ever stop. This is such an incredible binding force.
Frankly, guys want you to stay the same as the fun-loving, beautiful woman they married. While that’s never going to happen (fortunately for most of us!), do not stop being fun-loving and beautiful.

I have only been married 3 yrs 10 mos but have known each other for 9 yrs now and we are still having a wonderful time together.

NSFrame thanks for the great advice about the big stuff and the small stuff too! Rings true with me.

I´ll have to watch the eye rolling - I know I shouldn´t do it but my hubby is a very enthusiastic person and get notions about crazy projects - on our honeymoon in Thailand he realised that Jeeps are cheaper there than in Europe, so he started seriously investigating the possibility buying a jeep in Thailand and DRIVING it from Thiland to Spain!! It would only take a month, many thousands of euro, and the danger of crossing various war zones! He insisted on stopping at look at car dealers etc - it took much forebearance but I keep eye-rolling to a minimum. Finally I convinced him it wasn´t viable. Or the other time he wanted to construct a robotic submarine to extract sunken treasures from the Spanish coastline (which also is very illegal here). Much forebearance required!

 

[Musician]

NSFrame thanks for the great advice about the big stuff and the small stuff too! Rings true with me.

I´ll have to watch the eye rolling - I know I shouldn´t do it but my hubby is a very enthusiastic person and get notions about crazy projects - on our honeymoon in Thailand he realised that Jeeps are cheaper there than in Europe, so he started seriously investigating the possibility buying a jeep in Thailand and DRIVING it from Thiland to Spain!! It would only take a month, many thousands of euro, and the danger of crossing various war zones! He insisted on stopping at look at car dealers etc - it took much forebearance but I keep eye-rolling to a minimum. Finally I convinced him it wasn´t viable. Or the other time he wanted to construct a robotic submarine to extract sunken treasures from the Spanish coastline (which also is very illegal here). Much forebearance required!

My husband has been very enthusiastic over crazy things before, too. I tried to keep my sarcasm to a minimum but it was hard! ; But a little humor goes a long way, seriously.
As to other posts, children do NOT come before your husband; husbands come first unless there is some sort of abuse involved. I am not saying that you shouldn’t stop everything and attend to your children; of course you should. But I see, tragically, whole marriages stop because babies came along and the wives put the babies first, leaving husbands to feel like sperm donors. It isn’t right.
You and your husband will be ONE FLESH; out of that unity comes children, who will grow up and eventually leave. You must remember that.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Biba, I do not mean to be disheartening.

I was reacting to the overly enthusiastic reaction to that fake list from the 50s and the idea that some people in this day and age would think those were good ideas.

When the two become one flesh, they are not both supposed to become the husband. The world is not supposed to revolve around him. Nor should the world revolve around the children. But having said that, I wonder how many of the people who say that have actually had to take care of a newborn. The world MUST revolve around them. The little critters demand it. But in an ideal world, the husband actually helps, and takes some of the pressure of infant care off the wife, leaving her some time and energy to devote back to the husband.

The marriages that falter because the wife spends all her time on the children… I daresay somewhere in that story is a man who is not helping his wife at all. SOMEBODY has to take care of the kids. And the selfish kind of guy who won’t help with the kids is also the selfish kind of guy who complains that his wife is neglecting him. Cry him a river.



Hopefully, you have picked a good man who will love God first, put your marriage first and help you with the kids. Picking a good spouse is the secret to a happy marriage. If you get that part wrong, you’ll spend the rest of your marriage doing damage control.

The best gift you can give your children is a solid happy marriage. That will be their security blanket for their whole childhood and their example as adults.

My other advice: Everyone is good at telling people what they are doing wrong. Don’t forget to tell your spouse what they are doing right.

 

[bibagirl]

Biba, I do not mean to be disheartening.

I was reacting to the overly enthusiastic reaction to that fake list from the 50s and the idea that some people in this day and age would think those were good ideas.

When the two become one flesh, they are not both supposed to become the husband. The world is not supposed to revolve around him. Nor should the world revolve around the children. But having said that, I wonder how many of the people who say that have actually had to take care of a newborn. The world MUST revolve around them. The little critters demand it. But in an ideal world, the husband actually helps, and takes some of the pressure of infant care off the wife, leaving her some time and energy to devote back to the husband.

The marriages that falter because the wife spends all her time on the children… I daresay somewhere in that story is a man who is not helping his wife at all. SOMEBODY has to take care of the kids. And the selfish kind of guy who won’t help with the kids is also the selfish kind of guy who complains that his wife is neglecting him. Cry him a river.



Hopefully, you have picked a good man who will love God first, put your marriage first and help you with the kids. Picking a good spouse is the secret to a happy marriage. If you get that part wrong, you’ll spend the rest of your marriage doing damage control.

The best gift you can give your children is a solid happy marriage. That will be their security blanket for their whole childhood and their example as adults.

My other advice: Everyone is good at telling people what they are doing wrong. Don’t forget to tell your spouse what they are doing right.

Thank you Librenosdemalo. I was sad when I read your first post because it was clear that you had really suffered and had been neglected by your husband. Yes it´s absolutely true that the husband has to back up and support his wife. The big test of this for us will be once we have a baby. But I have no idea how supportive or unsupportive my husband will be at that time, only time will tell. One can only hope and pray.

I´ll try and remember that, about the praise. It´s so easy to snipe and complain about things, harder to remember to praise!

 

[HopeInChrist]

Hi all,

I would say that the most important thing to remember in marriage (I’ve been married going on 4 years, with a baby girl, 2.) is not to go into it with preconceived expectations. My DH and I dated almost 8 years before we finally got married, and I am still learning new things about him every day. The hardest thing is the parenting. Please make sure you’re on the same side, or you’ll show the kids that if mommy says no, try daddy. Put up a united front, and be consistent in whatever you decide is best for them. My child is entering the terrible two’s and I am finding that a united front and consistency is very important. I think that as long as you are honest, fair, and open to whatever’s going to happen, marriage is the most wonderful thing in the world. Just remember that what works for one couple may not work for you. Find your own way, and be there for eachother no matter what.

-Hope