Marrital problems... guidance?

  • Thread starter Thread starter j101291
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
J

j101291

Guest
Ok, I was “sick” during winter and spring… exhausted, slept all the time. Found out it was the headache meds my doctor prescribed… it took me til the later part of May to get into see a new doctor. He changed my meds and wala… all better, more energy, no more naps…

On Memorial day my husband of 16years informed me that he no longer loves me like a husband should love a wife (he’s not Catholic, but he did agree to have our marriage blessed by the church several years ago)… We’ve never yelled at one another, never called each other mean names, we just don’t fight! We don’t argue… he said he’s been unhappy in the marriage for SEVERAL years. I was blind to this… yes he was grouchy now and again… but never to this extreme… anyway he met someone where he works… manages a bar… he says this was/is never about “her”… that he was unhappy long before she came along… at one point during the past few weeks he said he thought he might love her… that she made him happy. Well this woman has slept with other peoples husbands before and was unfaithful to her husband before he passed away last fall… Thank goodness I don’t know her personally!! He hasn’t been able to pin point anything specific that made him unhappy. We agreed that debt, communication, and se* are/have been problems… nothing we ever fought about though.

Anyway the night he told me he stopped coming home… he’s come home to see the kids often, we’ve done cookouts etc… We decided that night that we wouldn’t turn ugly that whatever we decided to do it would be done in peace, we both agreed we wanted to remain friends…

Well as the weeks went on, I had some really rough days… I have seen a counselor, I decided from the get go that I want to have my head on straight for the kids… he’d come by, we’d talk… and well I hate to admit it, but… well something I shouldn’t be doing with my husband as he is sleeping at another woman’s house anyway… He’s seen me cry enough times… he feels horrible about the hole situation… he appologizes often for hurting me… All this time I’ve been letting him know that I still love him and that (like last time 10 years ago) I can forgive him, want to forgive him, and want him to come home… Many people think I’m stupid and letting him walk all over me. I don’t see that as being the case.

This past week he joined us for part of a camping trip… he left a night early saying he missed “her”… he had originally planned to only stay a few nights anyway… then I kinda talked him into staying an extra night and he agreed, but when it came to that extra night, he missed her and wanted to leave. I wasn’t going to make him stay, I cried… he said before the trip he was considering coming home and trying to work things out… and I asked so now you’ve changed your mind? he said no… just give me a few days…

We’ve done SO MUCH communicating via email, and text messaging these past few weeks… he’s not sure if things will work, but has decided it’s best for all of the family if we at least try…

He knows that what he did ten years ago… moved out for 2 1/2 months was forgiven, and I never held it against him… We had many good years since then. Of course I think they were better than he now says… anyway…

Here’s a BIG problem… all of his paychecks go to our checking account… he hasn’t taken money out for several months…I pay the bills, I know. I know, or should say am almost 100% positive that he doesn’t make enough in tips to have the money he’s had for needed things… He gave the kids(3) money for shopping, he bought an expensive dinner, registered his car, etc… I really honestly don’t think that could have been done on the tips… yes some nights are really good, but I’m sure he doesn’t make more than 100 a week in tips. I started wondering about this a few months back… He really has been a good person his whole life… he’s got morals, or so I thought… he just seems like a different person sometimes… More than anything I want him to come home… I want to try and make our marriage a happily ever after… but part of me wonders if that wont be possible… I just don’t know what to do! We chatted last night and supposidly he’ll come over on Sunday to discuss when and how he’ll move back in… Where do I go from here???

Any help out there? Suggestions? I’m not crazy to forgive right?
 
WOW, thats a situation. i have no idea what to tell you except that I too worked at a bar and made LOTS of tips, I would guess he would make closer to 50-100 a night in tips. MAybe he has been putting the tips away for a very long time and thats where he is getting the money. Try to work it out the best you can. I don’t think you are crazy, what woman with 3 kids wouldn’t want their marriage to work? I think I would be furious that he tells you about his mistress, that seems cruel. Prayers for you and your family!
 
I second the “Retrouvaille” weekend.

And, get the book His Needs, Her Needs by Dr. Harley if you think he will read it with you.
 
I am so sorry this is happening, and I will pray for you both. I think you would benefit from good, solid marital counseling or a program called “Retrouvaille” (may be spelled wrong). Your husband needs to learn that marriage is NOT simply a matter of how he feels at the moment, or what makes him happy today. Marriage is a decision to love and sacrifice for the OTHER, always, which seems and is impossible without the grace of God through the Sacrament. Please look up Retrouvaille in your Diocesean newspaper or church bullitin. And more than anything, PRAY unceasingly and put your marriage in God’s hands. Spend some time before the Blessed Sacrament. There is nothing so big that God’s grace cannot see you through.
 
Ooops, while I was writing my post, several others recommended the same thing! Well, I guess that confirms that Retrouvaille is a great idea!
 
JudieK said:
Ooops, while I was writing my post, several others recommended the same thing! Well, I guess that confirms that Retrouvaille is a great idea!
Click to expand...
Yes it is! It saved our marriage. We were actually civilly divorced by the time we went, and because of Retrouvaille, we got remarried in the Church, and our marriage has never been stronger. Please check it out. It really does work!
 
Hi,

I used to be a hairdressed, and sad to say, I used to hear stories similar to yours, I feel so bad this is happening to you, but I read the other posts and agree, so to try and go to the retreat, I heard wonderful things about it.

I guess a couple of questions, is he a great Dad?, do your kids have any idea what is going on? How long do you think you can do the on again off again thing? Is it really good for you, or you just too scared right now, I don’t blame you, just trying to make you think it out.

Do you think anger will come out later at him? And then what.

Don’t give up, God has a plan for you and your kids, may He protect you.
 
He is a good dad… the kids know he is elsewhere… we had to tell them, the other woman has two smaller kids. Our three are 13, 14, 15… so they understand a lot but they’re at the age where they don’t want to believe parents are human too… they also don’t want to spend a lot of time thinking about parents… they’re teens they think about themselves… they scatter quickly when I start crying and I’ve heard negative comments about dad. They know I want them to respect him, but I can’t demand that of them right now when he is sleeping elsewhere.

That thing everyone has been mentioning starts with R… the closest is in Boston, close to 2 1/2 hours away… would I travel that far to save my marriage… of course, but I’m sure he wouldn’t… I guess I just want to know that I’m not crazy… and I’m not making a mistake when I say “when you are ready to come home, the door is open and you are more than welcome”.

J
 
.. I guess I just want to know that I'm not crazy... and I'm not making a mistake when I say "when you are ready to come home:
Well- I don’t think you’re crazy, but I think that if/when he does come home, you have to make it clear that things will have to change. It just isn’t OK that he can take several months “off” the marriage every 10 years or so when he gets restless. He has broken his vows, twice now… that’s not OK!!! He needs to learn that marriage is more than a convenience (or inconvenience), more than a feeling, more than something to satisfy his needs. We’re talking a total overhaul! If this is to work, you will both have to reconstruct your marriage from its very foundations… from what you both believe the marriage covenant to be. If God is not a major part of this, I don’t know if it will work. We are talking a conversion of heart here. Pray, pray, pray. I will pray, too. I thought of you at Mass tonight and prayed for you during the consecration. Blessings… Judie
Click to expand...
 
Thank you, Judie… we are planning to have several discussions about what needs to happen before he comes home. He has already stated that he knows and he will break off communications completely with the other woman. I don’t know how that will be possible though since he works in and met her in a public place. He says he knows I may never be able to trust him again and he knows that is one of the things we will need to work on.

I run across so few people who understand that I can forgive him and do want him home… they almost all seem to think I should just give him the boot completely!

Thank you to everyone who prays for our family to be whole again.
J
 
Hi,

hang in there,

this happend to a client of mine years ago, her husband started an internet affair, they had two kids,but they worked it out, but it was painful.

But, I do think that he needs to pick a lane, so to speak. You can’t have it both ways, work on your marriage/family, and see another person at the same time. If you cannot go on retreat right now, can you see a priest together, or therpist.

I can glad he’s a good dad, but you have your hands’ full, with kids that age, I am sure that they are thinking and talking about it with their friends.

Forgivness, sure, takes time, so does trust, you just don’t throw away a marriage with three kids on a whim. go before the Lord, Ask, Don’t listen to other people they mean well, I have know other friends who looked like their marriage was all but over, and God brought it back. But take care of you!
 
We spent a lot of time talking today… I did a ton of praying… he’s not religious.

Anyway, he’s back and forth on if he wants to come home or not, he’s worried about coming home and things not working out. I told him if he came home and he was so miserable, we’d probably all be miserable… but that he needs let me know what it is that makes him so unhappy… I did a lot of crying and that really gets to him, he said part of him will always love me, but he doesn’t know how or when he stopped loving me like a husband should love his wife… He agreed to go with me if I can schedule an appointment with somebody “professional”… He is upset with himself and said the whole world has the right to be mad at him, he can tell that the kids are… that hurts both of us…

He said part of him thinks we should do the dating thing… I said why, because you can’t stand to be with me for the whole day? he said no… he said he knows he’d have to change his living arrangement… etc… He made me think he’ll be home real soon, he said he knows my idea of soon would be today, but he can’t…

I wonder if he’s depressed and just can’t won’t admit it to himself or anyone else?

Can a husband fall out of love and then get that love back?
 
j101291 said:
We spent a lot of time talking today… I did a ton of praying… he’s not religious.

Anyway, he’s back and forth on if he wants to come home or not, he’s worried about coming home and things not working out. I told him if he came home and he was so miserable, we’d probably all be miserable… but that he needs let me know what it is that makes him so unhappy… I did a lot of crying and that really gets to him, he said part of him will always love me, but he doesn’t know how or when he stopped loving me like a husband should love his wife… He agreed to go with me if I can schedule an appointment with somebody “professional”… He is upset with himself and said the whole world has the right to be mad at him, he can tell that the kids are… that hurts both of us…

He said part of him thinks we should do the dating thing… I said why, because you can’t stand to be with me for the whole day? he said no… he said he knows he’d have to change his living arrangement… etc… He made me think he’ll be home real soon, he said he knows my idea of soon would be today, but he can’t…

I wonder if he’s depressed and just can’t won’t admit it to himself or anyone else?

Can a husband fall out of love and then get that love back?
Click to expand...
Yes he can. By the time we went to Retrouvaille my husband pretty much acted as though he despised me. My husband is normally a very sensitive, kind person. He was as cold as ice. It was as if someone else had possessed my husband -this was not the man I married. He told me he loved me but was no longer “in love” with me -whatever that means. Honestly he didn’t act like he loved me at all.

Retrouvaille is not a religious retreat. They do not try to convert anyone. It’s all about working to restore the marriage. There is no group sharing. Communication between husband and wife is private. But it truly does work.

My husband eventually had to be treated with anti-depressants for a few years. He had chronic depression that started all the way in his childhood. He’s been off the the meds for about 4 years and is doing fine. We did our Retrouvaille in 98 and and I can tell you our marriage today is better than it’s ever been. We are very happily married.

Please consider attending a Retrouvaille weekend with your husband.
 
I am a firm believer that love is a choice, not a feeling. I don’t wake up everyday thinking “Wow! I am so in love with my husband!!” Some days I don’t feel much love at all… just every day stresses and strains. But everyday I CHOOSE to love him- by that I mean I listen to him, I respect him, I submit to him (in the Biblical sense- I believe in it- sorry feminists…), I put him first- and I am his friend. Then, there are days when I ADORE him, can think of nothing else BUT him, smile to myself thinking of him, etc. (It’s all hormonal! We call it “happy week!”🙂 ) Then there is a week or so each month when I can’t stand ANYONE- including him- and I feel nothing but anger:mad: . That is called LIFE- with all its ups and downs. You can’t base your marriage on feelings, because they change like the weather! You need to be rock solid- so that the marriage can stand in all your changing moods and feelings. Both partners have to realize that marriage isn’t about getting their needs met, but about meeting the needs of their partner. If BOTH feel that way, both partner’s needs will be met, in an atmosphere of generosity instead of selfishness.
 
J101

Hi,

I want back and reread what you wrote, and I want you too, also,

a few things jumped out at me,

One, you were really sick last winter for a long time, now you are better, How has health played a part before in your marriage?

two, your post said that your husband said that he has not loved for many years like he should have. Is your love still the same/diffrent for him? How did you feel when he told you this?

three, a third party is involved, is this the 1st time?

four, kids are involved on both sides, yours/hers do you work/stay at home?

five, the money/housing isssues. How did you two handle this before this happened?

sixth, sounds like, and maybe going out on limb here, your husband, either is playing you, or has major depression, something is going really wrong in his life, can you think back to anything that is a tip off?

this are really big stuff, not just love/marriage/making a choice stuff, granted, that’s important, but read what you wrote, and make a list of what happened in the last few years, because somewhere it went wrong, I don’t think with you. It’s does’nt matter if your husband isn’t religious, but you are, right? So keep praying, but go for help, where you both are okay with it. I’ve only been married for 13 years,but it’s had it’s up’s and downs. I will keep you in my prayers.
 
First off, thank you for your prayers and thoughts regarding my situation 😉

One, you were really sick last winter for a long time, now you are better, How has health played a part before in your marriage?

It really hasn’t… I’ve had a few ups and downs, but nothing like the fatuigue/exhaustion I had… that was most likely due to the headache/migraine medicine I was on.

two, your post said that your husband said that he has not loved for many years like he should have. Is your love still the same/diffrent for him? How did you feel when he told you this?

When he said this I felt devastated… but honestly I didn’t believe him… he’s now been saying in person and email that… parts of him love me and probably always will. My love for him right now I think is stronger because I feel I’ve let him down… neglected his needs for quite sometime before I got ill… we’ve agreed that we’ve neglected each other and we’ve talked about ways to make this better. All along, from the beginning he has put NO blame on me, even when I tried taking blame, he says it’s all him and he wishes sometimes that I could hate him that it would make things easier.

three, a third party is involved, is this the 1st time?

**
No, 10 1/2 years ago there was a short episode… I held on for 2 1/2 moths while he lived in the barraks by himself, told him I didn’t want to give up on him, and he’s thanked me several times over the years for not giving up on him, but I totally forgave him and never held it against him… and he knows this, we’ve talked about that recently as well. **

four, kids are involved on both sides, yours/hers do you work/stay at home?

**Work during the school year… but not during the summer, I’m basically home with the kids. **

five, the money/housing isssues. How did you two handle this before this happened?

The same way we are handling it now… his paychecks go into our checking account and I pay the bills and buy what is needed. He said right from the beginning he’d do anything and everything it took to keep me and the kids in the house.

sixth, sounds like, and maybe going out on limb here, your husband, either is playing you, or has major depression, something is going really wrong in his life, can you think back to anything that is a tip off?

**I honestly wonder if there isn’t depression going on, but he refuses to see that, and doesn’t even like to talk about it. Sometimes a part of me wonders if he isn’t playing me… but that wouldn’t be him. He’s mad at himself for what he has put us all through… he does have an amazing amount of feelings… We spent the day together yesterday and most of today 😉 I was crying when I told him that our youngest asked during our camping trip… “do you think if I ask dad to come home he might?” Well that made him cry. He says and I truly want to believe him that he is coming home. I say pack your stuff that is at this other womans house while she’s at work and then text her telling her that you’ve come home. He won’t do that, because it isn’t nice. I of course don’t care a bit for this other woman, but he doesn’t want to hurt her because she hasn’t done anything that he hasn’t… Not that he should care about her, but like I said he has an amazing amount of feelings. He’s already told me that he knows he will have to have NO contact with her whatso ever once he comes home, because otherwise things won’t work for the two of us. He said to make an appointment with a therapist and he will go… I have a call in. For the a while he would ask “where is your (this or that)”, when helping around the yard he’d say “where do you want this to go”… yesterday he asked about the screen tent we were putting up and I corrected him and said it’s yours too… he smiled and said you’re right… then he was talking about a fire pit and corrected himself when he started to say “yours” 😉

The things he picked up while shopping yesterday and today he left here at OUR house… am I 100% sure he’s coming home, no, but I’m sure he is, he wouldn’t lie and hasn’t lied to me yet since this whole thing started… as sure as anyone can be anyway. Last night he said there was a time when he wanted me to just let him go, but now he is glad I didn’t give up… and he wants me to keep hanging on. Only time will tell. I’m not devastated, I’m upbeat and positive about the future… and I continue to pray and ask that anyone else willing to do so 😉

Thanks!!!**
 
Hi,

I read your post,

I have had migraines for over 15 years, I realize now you were really sick, are you better? it can be very hard to be that ill, I take meds every day, years ago, it part a strain on our marriage when on first two kids were young. sometimes I keep a diary, so I know when I can get sick.

I feel for you, but I guess I keep reading some confusion in your post, it seems like your husband is not really sure what he wants, he seems mad at himself, but not really wanting to change what he is doing, but I am not sure, from what I read of what goes on, he seems to do both, be with you and your kids, then leave and go with her for awhile. then leave and go be alone.

That must be very confusing for you, and hurtful, not only for you but your family. I can only share this, trust when broken, is very hard to repair. I know from my own life/marriage. Not to speak out of turn, but how much trust is there?

God bless you.
 
Marriages are hard and sometimes the problems are more than 2 people can handle. I would suggest that you get help. If he won’t go the distance to the seminar that is 2-1/2 hours away - then will he go the distance of the rest of your life? Its not like you would be asking him to go to a place that is 2-1/2 hours away every day for next 5 years - this would be work required for the marriage. If he wouldn’t make the trip then I would have doubts about his sincerity.😦 Just my opinion.

I am very curious about a reply that was given. Maybe someone can help me with this…:confused:
I am a firm believer that love is a choice, not a feeling. I don’t wake up everyday thinking “Wow! I am so in love with my husband!!” Some days I don’t feel much love at all… just every day stresses and strains. But everyday I CHOOSE to love him- by that I mean I listen to him, I respect him, I submit to him (in the Biblical sense- I believe in it- sorry feminists…), I put him first- and I am his friend. Then, there are days when I ADORE him, can think of nothing else BUT him, smile to myself thinking of him, etc. (It’s all hormonal! We call it “happy week!” ) Then there is a week or so each month when I can’t stand ANYONE- including him- and I feel nothing but anger . That is called LIFE- with all its ups and downs. You can’t base your marriage on feelings, because they change like the weather! You need to be rock solid- so that the marriage can stand in all your changing moods and feelings. Both partners have to realize that marriage isn’t about getting their needs met, but about meeting the needs of their partner. If BOTH feel that way, both partner’s needs will be met, in an atmosphere of generosity instead of selfishness.
Click to expand...
I agree completely with what you are saying, but I would like to add something for you to explain to me. I am a firm beliver in love, the emotion. I am also a firm believer in love, the actions and our choices. Both of those work together to make marriage life work. I realize that “life” happens and believe me I know that life can suck. Its the times of closeness and love that helps you make it through the times of “life”. The mutual respect of partners sort of “charges your batteries” to allow you to make it through the times of “life”. If there are no close, love times or “emotional feelings” then you could never make it through. Please don’t diminish love…God didn’t why should we?

That being said, and I do agree with your description of marriage, what happens when it breaks down? Or perhaps never existed? I completely agree that:
If BOTH feel that way, both partner’s needs will be met, in an atmosphere of generosity instead of selfishness
Click to expand...
But what happens if one person is unable to do that? I’m not trying to bend your words, but it happens. Often in relationships one person is very,very selfish - then the other partner is left without…needs never being met. Not like its just a dry spell - but it becomes a way of life. Sometimes this is caused by depression, alcoholism, workaholism, ect… But its a fact and how does one partner continue to “serve” the needs of the other (or possibly slaving for the needs of the other)?

Any thoughts?

Terry
 
Terry- I only have a free minute so I will only post a short reply. I will elaborate later when I have more time.

I would never diminish love. I think romantic love- the feeling that you are fully conscious of- is wonderful, but not a reliable indicator of where your marriage is at. It serves to get people together in the first place- to forge families- but then it gives way to the deeper kind of mature love. It pops up, thankfully, all the time… in moments of tender marital exchange. But it’s not the work-a-day love that exists beneath the surface keeping families together long after the honeymoon. Many people mistake the absence of such feelings to mean the marriage is over. Not so! Anyway… I must go now… an important committment… but I will be back later.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top