Marrital problems... guidance?

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Hi Monkeyfor6: thanks for the advice. I’ve already tried the shots many times, had a “numb skull” where they inject your head and numb it to see if you are a candidate for something called frequency where they put you under sedation and then inject medication into the spot in your head that is troublesome. Didn’t work either. As you can see, I’ve done some pretty dramatic things, as you probably have. Today is day no. 7 for the mirgraine. I had about 2 hrs. last night where I had minimal pain. (probably due to being drugged up). Anyway, I’ve been to the top specialists and stayed in their hospitals where they counsel, medicate, and inform. No help. I’ve tried biofeedback, even Botox which cost a heck of a lot and did not work either. Been on so many meds with so many side effects it isn’t even funny. Anyway, thank you for responding praying for me. I’ll pray for you too. God bless you!!🙂
 
Hi J,
I hope things are looking up a little bit this am. I’m in similar situation and it’s TOUGH to say the least. I, however, have fought with hubby and even contacted girlfriend. She denied everything. I told her to leave our family alone (claims she’s a good Christian woman, non-denominational). Told her also, that she’s destroying my kids - one wanted to kill himself (didn’t, thank God) the other told her Dad he was evil and hoped Mom would leave him. Not a pretty picture. Kids are in the teens. Honestly, I don’t know how long you hang in there. It’s been 4 yrs. with this woman and I think another in the past, although hubby won’t fess up to this. I am really angry at him and resentful and hurt. I guess I just hang in there until I can’t anymore - and pray. Do a lot of that. I truly hope your marriage will be saved. Praying for you earnestly!
Mom4truth:(
 
j101291~

Hang in there with your marriage. By moving out and being with another woman, your husband has gone against God’s plan for men to be “protectors and providers” for their families. It could be that is why he is struggling so much. He knows what is right (hence the importance of you and your children having enough money) but is following worldly desires and feels the pressure to satisfy his immediate needs. It has been my experience that when you are not intimate with Jesus’ love and sacrifice it can be hard to practice it here on earth.

I, too, had a situation in which I was completely “justified” in seeking a divorce from my husband. As a non-practicing cradle Catholic, something just kept holding me back from starting any legal proceedings. I now know that it was God showing me and my husband that we should honor His sacrament and stay together.

Shortly after I started considering leaving him, he got a DUI. He then stopped drinking, finished rehab, completed RCIA and we are both now attempting to live according to our shared Catholic values. That very short sentence contains a lot of pain, sacrifice and joy over several years.

My advice to you is to find a counselor that will respect your value that divorce is not an option at this point. Call your parish or local crisis pregnancy center (many do much more than pregnancy counseling) for referrals. As professional as many therapists are, it can be hard for some to respect/understand that marriage was created by God and needs to be seen as holy. While the need for divorce may be required down the road, I feel it would be helpful for you to have someone who understands the significant consequences of a Catholic divorcing.

In addition, a Catholic/conservative Christian therapist would be able to guide you both towards living a biblical marriage, following the principles found in scripture. This information has been the greatest blessing on our marriage. Christ’s peace & strength to you and your family!
 
You know, sometimes I think these women who raid a marriage should be handed the husband with a big red bow on his head. The two would deserve each other. She’s getting a cheating dog who has already proven he can’t keep a promise. And his fantasy woman who only sees him when she is dressed up with her nails done probably wouldn’t look too good under the withering light of daily chores and real life.

The funny thing is, some husbands drive their wives into the ground, give them headaches and ulcers, neglect them, and ignore them. Then they take a look at the damage and go looking for a woman they haven’t run into the ground. They’d do the same to her if they lived with her too.

Here’s what happens when they leave. Wife gets her act together. Finds the headaches are gone. She isn’t depressed anymore. She starts looking better. Finds peace and happiness without the oaf constantly in her face hurting her for his actions. Oaf comes by to see the kids and realizes wife is for some strange reason looking better than she ever did. And the grass really isn’t greener.

My mistake was letting the oaf back in to do it to me again. I paid a deep price for it. I can look myself in the mirror, but the second time he left, it was worse than the first.

My advice: Pretend he has left. Start working on yourself. Find the woman you were before you started being his keeper and the mother of his children. Find your peace and happiness without him. Don’t play tug of war with the kind of woman who raids other women’s marriages. Let reality ruin it for them.

I laugh now because none of those women who thought they wanted my husband would have wanted to live with him for longer than a month. Reality bites. 😉
 
That was good one! I’m with you on that. In fact, that’s exactly what my therapist told me to do. Amen, sista’!👍
 
If I had to do it over, I would have gleefully packed his bag for him, whistling a merry tune. When he came in and asked what I was doing, I would have happily told him he was leaving to go live with his girlfriend, whoever she was. (Mine was much more clever about that deception.) I would have said I was heartbroken and would miss him, and wished him every happiness, and I’m sure his new girlfriend would be very good at folding his undershirts in 6-inch squares. But I don’t think he would have thought I was really sad because of the big smile on my face.

Seriously, it makes me angry now that I gave him the power to tear my heart out and make me waste away to 91 pounds with my hair falling out. Eleven years later he has had many girlfriends but never found someone to replace me. He’s miserable, on meds, drinks like a fish, and is looking for 23-year-old virgins on-line.

Really, some husbands aren’t worth keeping if it means you are less healthy and less able to take care of your children. You can’t get rid of a truly good husband. And the ones you have to beg to keep… you’ll never be sure what will make them wander off next time.

The men who flirt and carouse, yet don’t completely leave the wife so as to keep their options open… they should be told to fish or cut bait. YOU are worth more than this shabby treatment!
 
To Mom4Truth, I had my Priest pray over me, he is a great healer, plus I did go to a healing Mass, did you ever try that?

Sorry to hear about your story, it seems to me that great stress might be your cause among others, I have taken great pains to reduce that at all costs. It seems like it is costing you your health. Try to make some changes, I hope that helps. God Bless.

To J 101, how are things are home?
 
Thank you all for your responses and prayers. Please keep them coming/going 😉

About the headaches/migraines I take something called verapamil everynight… to keep them from coming on the next day… so far so good. When I do get the occaisional migraine I take maxalt.

Sunday night dh did come home, “for good.” Or at least to try and work things out. He was upset so we didn’t talk too much. He’s sad that he’s hurt her, and he’s hurt too because he “loved” her. ICK!!!

Anyway Monday we had a chance to chat. He wasn’t able to get all of his things so he was going to go back when she and the kids were gone, well… we got busy working and he had to go over when she was at home. It took him 1.5 hours to pick up his stuff and come home. Needless to say I was at my worst point during this whole mess… bawling my eyes out wishing I was dead, you know that junk!

Anyway when he finally got home he said this was supposed to be a happy night, yeah well. When you know he doesn’t love you, and would rather be elsewhere, there’s only so much to be happy with.

Today I’m a bit sad. I’ll go see him at work in a bit. I don’t want to be sad… he says all the right things… and he knows that the trust is messed up and he isn’t sure if he’ll be able to earn it back. I want to trust him, I want to live happy ever after…

I got an email from his mom saying that he had mentioned to her that I put the kids first.

Ok! I’m really trying to be strong and be happy and hope that he will be happy HERE as well. The kids have been great throughout this. Thank you God!! 😉

Prayers and thanks to everyone,
J
 
oh {{hug}}

:o

Let’s see. He’s more worried about the pain he’s caused his mistress than the pain he’s caused you.

He resents that you as a mother are paying more attention to the children you’re supposed to be raising than to him. (He only gets to complain here if he is pulling his fair share and leaving you any energy at the end of the day to pay attention to him.)

And he’s upset you were crying because he couldn’t take his stuff and go? Did you ruin the whole homecoming? Gosh. Do you ruin EVERYTHING??! (I did. Or so xh informed me often. 😃 )

😉

Praying for you. You’re giving him more than most women will. And however this turns out, you will be able to say you tried!

Many women would have changed the locks by now and sued him for desertion.

Does his mommy think her precious baboo does no wrong? I have a boatload of MIL stories. Mine helped xh leave. Didn’t want to hear anything bad about him. It wasn’t her problem. Then when he returned she helped him plan his second leaving, retired, moved half a continent away to move in with him, and helped him try to take away three young children from their mother. She has been taking care of his house for 8 years.

Guess how this ends? She is so sick of him now and his violent temper, she hates him and she is leaving.

Maybe his mother was the kind who put up with infidelity from her husband. In which case, she has taught him that you can treat a wife like garbage and get away with it. She’s probably part of his problem.

Ignore her. Because my x-MIL found out something real quick. She NEVER liked all the women who came after me! I know she misses me. And I’ve seen it happen with my friends. The MILs eventually come around.

Be nice to you. DH will either start sneaking around with her, or she will replace him quickly. Either way, just watch.
 
j101291 said:
He wasn’t able to get all of his things so he was going to go back when she and the kids were gone, well… we got busy working and he had to go over when she was at home. It took him 1.5 hours to pick up his stuff and come home.
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He should never be allowed to go there alone. You should always go with him. He needs to make it clear that it is over, and that the two of you are MARRIED. No more secret exchanges with HER. There needs to be total transparency or none of this will work. He must EARN your trust… and that may take YEARS.

While I want to be all optimistic with you, L’s posts about her ex are sobering as well. He is acting as if you should be all giddy that he’s back, all the while telling you how much he loves “her” and misses her. PUH-LEASE. Too much self-expression here. There is such a thing as too much honesty. If I were in your shoes, I would have to tell him to go $%*& himself.:mad: Sorry- I am a good Catholic girl, but this is just bizarre.
 
To Monkey6: Thanks for writing back. Yes, I do have a lot of stress - husband related stress as I posted earlier. Also, I have been to healing Masses several times, received anointing of the sick,etc. I wonder, do you think this is God’s plan that I carry this cross for some particular reason/person/persons? I’ve read a lot about victim souls…not that I really want to be one, but if that’s God’s will, then so be it. Any thoughts would be appreciated! God bless you. Thanks for being here; I need your help!
mom4truth:)
 
A bit of misunderstanding when it comes to my mother in law I think. She’s wonderful, she was very mad at him when this all came out. Saying she had always prayed that her boys wouldn’t do what their father did. She knows how much time and energy go into raising kids, she raised 4 boys on her own. When she said he felt like I was spending more time on the kids, she wasn’t making an excuse for him, she was giving me a heads up on how he felt. Which, dh and I have admitted, we drifted apart and neglected one another for too long. NO EXCUSE for him to do what he has done. He’s apologized a lot. He knows it will be hard to earn my trust back.

He’s not Catholic so doesn’t have the same views when it comes to NO divorce. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I don’t want to raise the kids alone… having him back even with all the pain he has caused is so worth it!! I believe this was a wake up call. We are taught to forgive!! over and over again correct? Not forget… I supposidly have low self esteem, I hadn’t noticed this before, but I am working on being a stronger person. I do not let him walk all over me, as far as I can tell.

I know we have a long way to go, but he did say he came home to try and fix what he “nearly ruined” and that in the begining he wished I would have just let him go, but now he is so glad that I didn’t give up. 😉

J
 
Monkey6: I writing to a message you wrote awhile ago. How long do I hang onto the marriage if hubby admits having secret e-mails, lunches with other women? Won’t reveal at home passwords, won’t say what he write to other woman, hurt kids continually, degrades me? I’m about to call a lawyer! Talked to him last night and he said he’s going to keep on doing what he’s doing? How’s that for a great marriage? (sarcastic).😦

Mom4truth
 
Mom4truth,

I best advice on a marriage is this, marriage is really based on trust, you should know everything about the other person, money, emails, you should NOT hide anything, or feel like you should be looking about to find anything, that is the worse feeling. I hate to tell people to leave the other person, but that is up to you, you know best, I have been with my husband for almost 20yrs, and I know trust is the key, with love, and if you don’t have that, well, the road is very long and bumpy, and lonely. God Bless, let me know, take care of yourself and your kids.
 
Monkey6: thank you so much for responding. I will try to hang in there. Don’t know if husband will, but that’s up to his conscience.
You have given me some hope. Thanks again and God bless you.🙂
 
Mom- I am so sorry this is happening. I will add you to my prayers! I don’t think Catholic teaching says you must stay in a situation like this… the problem only comes if you try to remarry. Perhaps a separation is in order? Whatever the case- you know your situation best. I pray that God will strengthen you and hold you in his hand. Judie
 
j101291 said:
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I run across so few people who understand that I can forgive him and do want him home… they almost all seem to think I should just give him the boot completely!..
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It is not hard to understand that you want to forgive him, that you want to forgive and forget, that you want life restored to normal as soon as possible. But he is not repenting, so you are putting the cart before the horse.

It is not hard to understand why you would want to deny the reality of your situation, with all there is at stake, with reality being so daunting. But pray for the courage to face the truth of the situation. The truth will set you free.

Its true. Scripture does not tell us that hoping will set us free, or postive thoughts will set us free, or wishful thinking will set us free. No. The truth will set us free.

Often the truth hurts. But whatever reality God has put in your life, He will give you the strength to endure it. God is your Savior, your ever present help in need. Always. Not your husband.

I urge you to take this story to your priest, or another wise priest in whose counsel you have faith in. Also a counselor. I can’'t reccommend anyone more highly than Gregory Popcak, who has phone counseling. You will get wise advice! exceptionalmarriages.com/about.htm

Another suggestion is to ask an older woman you know and admire from Mass, for advice and prayer. Someone older, who has lived a little. There will be someone at Daily Mass who can listen and offer feedback.

Seek wise counsel and ask God for the truth and the strength to endure the truth. He will give it to you.

…http://www.bildindex.de/bilder/gg0948_046b.jpg
 
My heart goes out to you. When people want to leave a marriage due to “problems” or for someone else, they fail to realize this:

When they find someone else, they are going to find different and even the same problems.

Unhappiness is a part of life, a part of marriage. Problems are a part of any relationship. Explain this to him. Explain to him the good times you shared before your marriage. Explain to him how the problems OCCURED OVER A MATTER OF TIME. Explain to him how all relationships begin with the surface of an individual, only the best is revealed. The problems always, in every relationship, take longer to reveal. Explain to him: “What makes you think your not going to run into problems with her in time?”

Remember, St. Rita is the patron saint of impossible dreams. I highly recommend to look online for a Saint Rita parish. Have a Mass said for the both of you. Even if neither of you are able to attend, do not doubt the graces that will come from that Mass. He doesn’t even have to know about it, the graces and wisdom will come.

God Loves you both. That Mass will reveal God’s “solutions” to the both of you. I’m sure of it.

With Love,
Lou F.
 
J- how are things going? Is no news good news? Keeping you in my prayers! Judie
 
Hon, I’m praying for you! I hope he comes around and completely changes for the better:)

Our Lady of Fátima, pray for us!
 
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