Marrying a man twice your age

[faithfully]

Hey OP… no time to read past page 1.

Will share a story.

My Paternal grandfather was a real pc. of work. He’s done things in his life that would make many cringe. He was NOT a very good father. Yet, my father turned out pretty good.

When I was 12ish my grandparents divorced, and he managed an annullment. (after some 40 years of marriage. Granted from what I witnessed hell on earth.) He remarried a very young woman. Younger than my own mother and father. Seemed kind of gross, but in all reality not a big deal.

They had 2 children. So I have aunts/uncles MUCH younger than I. Weird? Yes.

We had little contact with him after he left my grandmother. And I didn’t miss him at all. I had zero sadness in my life when he died. I still don’t feel sad.

NOW… I did go to his funeral. And you know what? Although I don’t miss this man AT ALL, I can say, something happened. Something good. This other family gave him something, or maybe he was just finally mature enough to accept it… but something that turned him into someone that people admired. It was hard to believe, and a little hard to swallow… Why couldn’t he be like that with us??? He first and perhaps REAL family?

Whether age, or the gift of different people, he turned out to be a very loving husband according to his wife… and a loving father according to his children. They clearly all respected him and adored Him (it was also clear they knew nothing of his past… and none of us saw fit to “enlighten” them.)

I would not assume because your dear one is a workaholic that he will remain so. I would not assume he would not be welcoming to children. I might gather that he’s FINALLY ready to settle down. And perhaps is was wise on his part not to try to do so earlier.

If I WERE YOU, I would have very long, thought out conversations. Go through marriage counseling like the rest of us. Nevermind what people think. Most people form opinion based on very little fact… JUST ASSUMPTIONS. Catholic’s should know better.

It sounds like you will be bringing him closer to God. And that alone is likely to impact how he will be as a husband/father… and I can ONLY imagine in a good way.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m 40 and men and women still tell me I’m beautiful…(for my age of course )

Ha ha, I couldn’t tell you the last time anyone told me I’m beautiful…but now that I am over 50, I notice I get more looks from OLD men…I guess they never stop looking at much younger women…LOLOL

 

[nonanon]

Ha ha, I couldn’t tell you the last time anyone told me I’m beautiful…but now that I am over 50, I notice I get more looks from OLD men…I guess they never stop looking at much younger women…LOLOL

Your beauty shines in your posts, Juliane, even when we disagree!

Happy TG!

 

[Serap]

Hey OP… no time to read past page 1.

Will share a story.

My Paternal grandfather was a real pc. of work. He’s done things in his life that would make many cringe. He was NOT a very good father. Yet, my father turned out pretty good.

When I was 12ish my grandparents divorced, and he managed an annullment. (after some 40 years of marriage. Granted from what I witnessed hell on earth.) He remarried a very young woman. Younger than my own mother and father. Seemed kind of gross, but in all reality not a big deal.

They had 2 children. So I have aunts/uncles MUCH younger than I. Weird? Yes.

We had little contact with him after he left my grandmother. And I didn’t miss him at all. I had zero sadness in my life when he died. I still don’t feel sad.

NOW… I did go to his funeral. And you know what? Although I don’t miss this man AT ALL, I can say, something happened. Something good. This other family gave him something, or maybe he was just finally mature enough to accept it… but something that turned him into someone that people admired. It was hard to believe, and a little hard to swallow… Why couldn’t he be like that with us??? He first and perhaps REAL family?

Whether age, or the gift of different people, he turned out to be a very loving husband according to his wife… and a loving father according to his children. They clearly all respected him and adored Him (it was also clear they knew nothing of his past… and none of us saw fit to “enlighten” them.)

I would not assume because your dear one is a workaholic that he will remain so. I would not assume he would not be welcoming to children. I might gather that he’s FINALLY ready to settle down. And perhaps is was wise on his part not to try to do so earlier.

If I WERE YOU, I would have very long, thought out conversations. Go through marriage counseling like the rest of us. Nevermind what people think. Most people form opinion based on very little fact… JUST ASSUMPTIONS. Catholic’s should know better.

It sounds like you will be bringing him closer to God. And that alone is likely to impact how he will be as a husband/father… and I can ONLY imagine in a good way.

I wish you were right that it’s all ASSUMPTIONS, but the information being given in this thread is also reality. Your post is also a piece of reality that could come of this relationship also.

This is why OP really needs to pray and discern for herself. She’s in control of her life and we are offering our experiences and perceptions.

I have not seen any innapropriate responses, well except for one who was a little bit too negative.

 

[faithfully]

This may sound crazy…

The OP is from CA… So am I. Men and women, ESPECIALLY in Hollywood LOOK different here. There is often MUCH more attn. given to looks. And given the OPs career, I gather, short of a face smashing car accident, she’s gonna be young and beautiful in appearance for some time.

I’d be suprised if her bf is your typical 44 y/o aging man. And well, she may look young for her age, but you’re not going to run into a lot of 30+, late 30 somethings that look their age. I was confused for underage until I had my twins at 35. Sleep deprivation is the only thing that aged me! LOL!

DH and I (both of us 40) just went to his company dinner. Many were suprised at our age. They all talk about his baby face, and assumed me 5-8 years younger. And it’s NOT a lack of maturity. We’ve been assumed some rather with it, “youngsters”… LOL!

Runway, anything can go wrong. It could be that your bf will suddenly age. End up in a wheelchair, from a stroke. Die of prostate cancer in the next couple of years. In all reality either of you could be hit by a bus next week.

Serap, I don’t see huge red flags in the OP’s messages. He’s been respectful of her. If he was about a trophy and she looking to play that role, he’d be buying her sex right now with diamonds and pearls. She does not say anything that suggests he’s into the trophy at all. Nor her into playing one. Will people make assumptions about them? Sure, people that don’t know them will make assumptions. I gather those that know them are better indicators of the reality.

OP, you mention your parents. Sounds like they already are aware of the bf. And have a degree of comfort.

 

[faithfully]

Hit reply too fast.

I’d be curious how YOUR and HIS friends respond to you as a couple. Weird at first? Then like it’s perfectly normal? What’s happening there?

 

[runwaymodel]

Hit reply too fast.

I’d be curious how YOUR and HIS friends respond to you as a couple. Weird at first? Then like it’s perfectly normal? What’s happening there?

My few close and dear friends were not too concerned because I am not the type of girl who dates often at all. I would only get in a relationship if I saw potential and if we had chemistry otherwise I wouldn’t waste my time or his. I don’t believe in stringing anyone along or being in a relationship if the end result (hopefully) isn’t marriage, and my friends as well as family know it. They were protective of me until they meet him and saw how amazing he was around me. Very respectful, very kind, very loving.
His acquiantences were more hesitant of me (as they should be–i don’t blame them) until we meet and they saw how sweet, kind, and ‘absolutely delightful’ as they would say, I was. They were impressed that he was going to Church again (even alone) and letting his guard down, and were surprised to find how close I am to my family and religious at a young age and with my career.
Basically, they were catious before they meet me and now approve. I don’t blame other people who judge us because I understand how the world can view us from the outside. I understand how the world may view me alone as well. Its hard to explain online since all you good people do not know me, but I am trying.

 

[Young_Thinker]

I’m 40 and men and women still tell me I’m beautiful…(for my age of course )

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m sure that you are lovely!

 

[goldangel]

I’m 40 and men and women still tell me I’m beautiful…(for my age of course )

I think beautiful people stay beautiful, people only judge if they are also obsessed with combining youth and beauty. In fact I think many older women become more attractive as they mature. I have a distant cousin who has always been gorgeous and at the age of about 55 is still beautiful.

 

[1inICXC]

My few close and dear friends were not too concerned because I am not the type of girl who dates often at all. I would only get in a relationship if I saw potential and if we had chemistry otherwise I wouldn’t waste my time or his. I don’t believe in stringing anyone along or being in a relationship if the end result (hopefully) isn’t marriage, and my friends as well as family know it. They were protective of me until they meet him and saw how amazing he was around me. Very respectful, very kind, very loving.
His acquiantences were more hesitant of me (as they should be–i don’t blame them) until we meet and they saw how sweet, kind, and ‘absolutely delightful’ as they would say, I was. They were impressed that he was going to Church again (even alone) and letting his guard down, and were surprised to find how close I am to my family and religious at a young age and with my career.
Basically, they were catious before they meet me and now approve. I don’t blame other people who judge us because I understand how the world can view us from the outside. I understand how the world may view me alone as well. Its hard to explain online since all you good people do not know me, but I am trying.

I think a lot of members are exaggerating the risks here. Anything could happen to anyone anytime so if we disregard that, you seem very level-headed and it sounds like you have priorities straight and that you are being a good influence on him and that he cherrishes you. The looks and the money are just a blessing, or a curse (depending on the day) that ultimately set you in a different reality which your morals and values should transcend.

I mingled with millionaires and multi-millionaires and saw that not matter how warped their reality seemed to me, their life went on without culminating in anything disastrous because of it.
So what, rich people spend 1k on a set of martini glasses and spend 200$ to get their ear hairs waxed but at the end of the day they still sleep in one bed.

I think the important part is that you are trying to do what’s right according to your moral standards and not buying into the rich and famous attitude of doing whatever you want and that’s commendable.

Age-wise, having been attracted to older men since my early teen years, I don’t think I would’ve been comfortable marrying someone 20 years older. At 18 I did think Pierce Brosnan was my dream guy, but now, just about a decade later, I’m sure glad I’m not stuck with him as a husband.BUT, that’s an absolute personal decision and only you can know if you’ll be ok to have a 50yr old husband in the next few years. There’s something that can be very charming about a 40yr old and he still seems accessible to young women. Most young girls however, do not find 50/55 yr olds that attractive. I’m just saying, cuz I can be vain too .

You said you could never marry someone who wasn’t financially secure, for me it was looks. I knew I could never marry a guy who wasn’t attractive or at least very charming to make up for it. Hey, there’s nothing wrong with knowing our weaknesses, it’s better to be honest than to delude ourselves into thinking we could be happy with less and regret it for years later.

If you can envision this man as your husband and father of your children in 10 years from now than it’s a good sign!

 

[Serap]

This may sound crazy…

The OP is from CA… So am I. Men and women, ESPECIALLY in Hollywood LOOK different here. There is often MUCH more attn. given to looks. And given the OPs career, I gather, short of a face smashing car accident, she’s gonna be young and beautiful in appearance for some time.

I’d be suprised if her bf is your typical 44 y/o aging man. And well, she may look young for her age, but you’re not going to run into a lot of 30+, late 30 somethings that look their age. I was confused for underage until I had my twins at 35. Sleep deprivation is the only thing that aged me! LOL!

DH and I (both of us 40) just went to his company dinner. Many were suprised at our age. They all talk about his baby face, and assumed me 5-8 years younger. And it’s NOT a lack of maturity. We’ve been assumed some rather with it, “youngsters”… LOL!

Runway, anything can go wrong. It could be that your bf will suddenly age. End up in a wheelchair, from a stroke. Die of prostate cancer in the next couple of years. In all reality either of you could be hit by a bus next week.

Serap, I don’t see huge red flags in the OP’s messages. He’s been respectful of her. If he was about a trophy and she looking to play that role, he’d be buying her sex right now with diamonds and pearls. She does not say anything that suggests he’s into the trophy at all. Nor her into playing one. Will people make assumptions about them? Sure, people that don’t know them will make assumptions. I gather those that know them are better indicators of the reality.

OP, you mention your parents. Sounds like they already are aware of the bf. And have a degree of comfort.

With all respects, this post makes no sense. Looking young is chopped up to genetics, not where you live.

Many women all over the world look younger and it’s due to longer telomeres, not the climate or city one is from.

Perhaps women look younger in Cali due to plastic surgery is more like it.

I see red flags in a 40 something man dating a 21 or 22 year old woman. I just do. Forgive me for caring…but I see lots of red flags and I’m not alone. The divorce rate of this type of union is 80% for a reason.

EDITED TO ADD:
Runwaymodel, I’d like to concede a little bit. This guy could be the right one for you and I’d say keep dating him and see where things go. If he proposes, you could always have a long engagement? My engagement was almost 2 years.

 

[Serap]

My few close and dear friends were not too concerned because I am not the type of girl who dates often at all. I would only get in a relationship if I saw potential and if we had chemistry otherwise I wouldn’t waste my time or his. I don’t believe in stringing anyone along or being in a relationship if the end result (hopefully) isn’t marriage, and my friends as well as family know it. They were protective of me until they meet him and saw how amazing he was around me. Very respectful, very kind, very loving.
His acquiantences were more hesitant of me (as they should be–i don’t blame them) until we meet and they saw how sweet, kind, and ‘absolutely delightful’ as they would say, I was. They were impressed that he was going to Church again (even alone) and letting his guard down, and were surprised to find how close I am to my family and religious at a young age and with my career.
Basically, they were catious before they meet me and now approve. I don’t blame other people who judge us because I understand how the world can view us from the outside. I understand how the world may view me alone as well. Its hard to explain online since all you good people do not know me, but I am trying.

I would suggest to keep dating this guy until you are more sure. Take in what everyone is saying (good or bad) with a grain of salt.

This is your life and your life to live. Happiness is more important than what people may think of you. Take the risk if you really love this man. IF you REALLY love this man.

Give it time…there’s no rush. You can continue to date him and see how things go. I dated my guy for 3 years before I had a ring on my finger. There’s no rush.

Just be happy honey and enjoy this guy’s company!!! Love is such a wonderful emotion to feel. There’s no rush.

 

[Serap]

Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m sure that you are lovely!

Thanks.

 

[Young_Thinker]

Thanks.

You’re welcome.

 

[faithfully]

With all respects, this post makes no sense. Looking young is chopped up to genetics, not where you live.

Many women all over the world look younger and it’s due to longer telomeres, not the climate or city one is from.

Perhaps women look younger in Cali due to plastic surgery is more like it.

I see red flags in a 40 something man dating a 21 or 22 year old woman. I just do. Forgive me for caring…but I see lots of red flags and I’m not alone. The divorce rate of this type of union is 80% for a reason.

EDITED TO ADD:
Runwaymodel, I’d like to concede a little bit. This guy could be the right one for you and I’d say keep dating him and see where things go. If he proposes, you could always have a long engagement? My engagement was almost 2 years.

LOL! Cali ??? ick! While I imagine it’s true there is more surgery around here, I didn’t mean to imply we are some other species, or that our climate impacts our appearances. Looking young does NOT just boil down to DNA. Good DNA helps. But if you dont’ take care of your body, you will age more quickly. Regardless, I knew that would go over like a lead baloon.

I mean, if you walk hollywood blvd, it WILL be unlike much you’ve ever seen. You can’t tell how old many are. And likely because of all the botox and what not. The clothing is different is over the top etc. Is this day in and out? In some places. Just an observation.

“forgive you for caring?” Please don’t assume you’re the ONLY one. Some of us just have more optomistic view points of life. That does not mean we don’t care. Or have anything less valid to offer.

I’m not saying that her relationship is absolutely going to work out, or fail. For the 80% that fail, 20% obviously succeed. When you boil a relationship down to it’s reality, it’s no longer just about stats. Sure from a distance. We can say: OP, according to stats. you have an 80% chance of failure. But when you get down to talking with her, and I mean HER parents, HER family, HER REAL LIFE friends, and then on his side… those stats don’t mean much. Unless of course there are red flags to the actual relationship.

So, besides the age difference red flag, and you see LOTS of red flags… what are they?

I imagine more time dating is called for. In fact, I don’t believe we’ve heard anything about an engagement. (which is easily likely to last a year)

You know, clearly we are all coming form our own experiences. I’ve read this OP before. She seems rather level headed. She asks a lot of questions. She doesn’t shout out she knows best. She clearly likes to mull over her options. She doesnt’ exactly sound like a ditz to me who is all ga-ga over some guy. Could she be? Sure, easily.

I met and started dating my husband in high school. Would not change my life with him for the world. Were stats against us? Absolutely! We didn’t get married right out of high school or anything.

Sometimes just in finances the highest risk has the highest rewards. And yes, that means the biggest losses as well. We all have a different way of looking at life. I take marriage very seriously. But I wasn’t going to hold out for better “odds”. There is no greener grass in my world. And we all know LUCK has NOTHING to do with it.

If you look at the marriage problems we see on THIS website, they are not age related. They are “can’t see eye to eye” related. Someone lied big time… No one is on the same page. Now, age differences CAN cause this problem. But she’s not telling us that he’s trying to father her. He’s not telling her what she needs to do. He’s respectful of her, her body, her decisions. That’s pretty dang huge in a world of hard to find a good partner.

In the end, I don’t see why a decision has to be made today. Time will help. I agree with that regardless of prospective outlooks.

 

[Serap]

LOL! Cali ??? ick! While I imagine it’s true there is more surgery around here, I didn’t mean to imply we are some other species, or that our climate impacts our appearances. Looking young does NOT just boil down to DNA. Good DNA helps. But if you dont’ take care of your body, you will age more quickly. Regardless, I knew that would go over like a lead baloon.

I mean, if you walk hollywood blvd, it WILL be unlike much you’ve ever seen. You can’t tell how old many are. And likely because of all the botox and what not. The clothing is different is over the top etc. Is this day in and out? In some places. Just an observation.

“forgive you for caring?” Please don’t assume you’re the ONLY one. Some of us just have more optomistic view points of life. That does not mean we don’t care. Or have anything less valid to offer.

I’m not saying that her relationship is absolutely going to work out, or fail. For the 80% that fail, 20% obviously succeed. When you boil a relationship down to it’s reality, it’s no longer just about stats. Sure from a distance. We can say: OP, according to stats. you have an 80% chance of failure. But when you get down to talking with her, and I mean HER parents, HER family, HER REAL LIFE friends, and then on his side… those stats don’t mean much. Unless of course there are red flags to the actual relationship.

So, besides the age difference red flag, and you see LOTS of red flags… what are they?

I imagine more time dating is called for. In fact, I don’t believe we’ve heard anything about an engagement. (which is easily likely to last a year)

You know, clearly we are all coming form our own experiences. I’ve read this OP before. She seems rather level headed. She asks a lot of questions. She doesn’t shout out she knows best. She clearly likes to mull over her options. She doesnt’ exactly sound like a ditz to me who is all ga-ga over some guy. Could she be? Sure, easily.

I met and started dating my husband in high school. Would not change my life with him for the world. Were stats against us? Absolutely! We didn’t get married right out of high school or anything.

Sometimes just in finances the highest risk has the highest rewards. And yes, that means the biggest losses as well. We all have a different way of looking at life. I take marriage very seriously. But I wasn’t going to hold out for better “odds”. There is no greener grass in my world. And we all know LUCK has NOTHING to do with it.

If you look at the marriage problems we see on THIS website, they are not age related. They are “can’t see eye to eye” related. Someone lied big time… No one is on the same page. Now, age differences CAN cause this problem. But she’s not telling us that he’s trying to father her. He’s not telling her what she needs to do. He’s respectful of her, her body, her decisions. That’s pretty dang huge in a world of hard to find a good partner.

In the end, I don’t see why a decision has to be made today. Time will help. I agree with that regardless of prospective outlooks.

ok…I completely don’t understand your tone towards me…we were all having a great conversation and it just turned into a “me vs. you” somehow…not sure why.

anyway…back on topic, you’ll find the same thing in Europe. Women look awesome at all ages there too. I’m also French Canadian where women look great at any age also.

Whether we take care of ourselves or not, we still age and some men just don’t like it. OP’s boyfriend is probably a wonderful man, but OP asked for our opinions and experiences right?

**Edited to Add: ** perhaps I just read too much into your post. I hate this about CAF…messages get all twisted around.

 

[Norseman82]

Have you sewn your wild oats some? You may resent in the future you did not enjoy being young and able to do lots of things.

Are you encouraging her to sleep around? What kind of comment is THIS for a Catholic forum? (If you meant something else, I will stand corrected, but “sewing wild oats” is an expression for males being sexually active with someone (or many someones) other than their wife prior to marriage).

 

[faithfully]

ok…I completely don’t understand your tone towards me…we were all having a great conversation and it just turned into a “me vs. you” somehow…not sure why.

anyway…back on topic, you’ll find the same thing in Europe. Women look awesome at all ages there too. I’m also French Canadian where women look great at any age also.

Whether we take care of ourselves or not, we still age and some men just don’t like it. OP’s boyfriend is probably a wonderful man, but OP asked for our opinions and experiences right?

**Edited to Add: ** perhaps I just read too much into your post. I hate this about CAF…messages get all twisted around.

No worries…it’s Not a me vs you… I don’t mean to insinuate women don’t look awesome if they arn’t from xyz… I did a lousy job saying what I meant. And still don’t have time to write it better.

And you are right…some men really are shallow and can’t stand the aging woman. I didn’t
get that from the op.

 

[djeter]

Hello Runway Model (again):

I realize you are swamped here by your topic but you never answered my first post. My question to you was what your partner sees in you, what is your attractiveness to him?

You may recall that one of the beatitudes that Jesus spoke of was “Blessed are the poor…” Fr. Barron has an interesting take on this as follows:

“And so Jesus says: “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3). This is neither a romanticizing of economic poverty nor a demonization of wealth, but rather a formula for detachment. Might I suggest a somewhat variant rendition: how blessed are you if you are not attached to material things, if you have not placed the goods that wealth can buy at the center of your concern? When the Kingdom of God is your ultimate concern, not only will you not become addicted to material things; you will, in fact, be able to use them with great effectiveness for God’s purposes.”

I once had a discussion with a friend who married an older man. He passed away quite suddenly from a massive heart attack. Once again, she had married for the security of the older man (He was a doctor). She found that after getting married that she gradually found herself losing all of her college friends. She explained that she thought it was because she and her husband simply couldn’t share in the money struggles that other people her age (i.e., her friends) were facing. They tended to fall into HIS friends and HIS aquaintances as they matched better with their eoonomic circumstances. Do you see the story?

What seems to be a blessing turned out to be a regret, an isolating set of circumstances for the younger woman. What problems do you see looking forward? You’re obviously doing something against the cultural grain: We marry those in our age group. Love seems to dictate this. Love can be corrupted of course and money is an obvious factor in that. How is your love not a corruption? What makes you unique?

dj

 

[mexilad]

I guess I am an older man. I am in my forties. It’s not the years. it’s the mileage. I don’t mean to sound sexist. I have daughters and I will give you the advice I give them. Considering how lousey the pickings are among males these days, you might do well to marry an older man. You don’t have to waste time waiting for him to grow up and figure out what he wants. If you really love him and he loves you, then pray on it and go with what you believe God wishes for you. Trust me dear, from how you described him, you could do so much worse. You are in my prayers dear.