Marrying a non-catholic

[boswell2k1]

In a month I will be married to someone I love more than life itself. We’re truely happy together, although we hit a snag last night. We’re not of the same religion. She is Lutheran and I’m Catholic. Both of us have very strong backgrounds in our religion. She wants to attend services together after we’re married and raise our family with a church background. I am all for it. However, I’m not interested in converting to Lutheran, and she’s willing to convert to Catholic, however I feel this is against her better judgement. Her father is an elder in the Lutheran church she attends. He’s a really great guy, doesn’t push religion, etc. He very much approves of me marrying his daughter, although I think he would be a little dissapointed if she converted her religion. I’m not asking her to, and I don’t know how to convince her that we can still attend services together without switching. I’m 100% ok with it, although this has never come up before and it’s obviously an important, yet touchy topic. I know this is common in this day and age, can someone offer some advice?

Thanks for listenting

 

[1ke]

I know this will come across as very harsh criticism, but I cannot believe you will be married in one month and this has “just now” come up. It is very shocking that you would not discuss something as important as religion early on in any relationship.

I find it incredulous that you did not discuss this with the priest during marriage preparation. You are going through all the Catholic marriage preparation requirements in your parish, are you not?

You, as a Catholic, must promise to raise your children Catholic. The prenuptial investigation should have delved into this area. You need to talk to your priest and be clear regarding your obligations as a Catholic.

If she is willing to look into converting, you should support her in this. A house divided religiously is very shaky.

I think you have completely underestimated the seriousness of this situation. I don’t see how you can “attend services together” as you state when you are two different faiths. Your mass obligation remains. And, when you have children taking them to two churches will completely confuse them and undermine their religious education.

 

[BamaRider]

In a month I will be married to someone I love more than life itself. We’re truely happy together, although we hit a snag last night. We’re not of the same religion. She is Lutheran and I’m Catholic. Both of us have very strong backgrounds in our religion. She wants to attend services together after we’re married and raise our family with a church background. I am all for it. However, I’m not interested in converting to Lutheran, and she’s willing to convert to Catholic, however I feel this is against her better judgement. Her father is an elder in the Lutheran church she attends. He’s a really great guy, doesn’t push religion, etc. He very much approves of me marrying his daughter, although I think he would be a little dissapointed if she converted her religion. I’m not asking her to, and I don’t know how to convince her that we can still attend services together without switching. I’m 100% ok with it, although this has never come up before and it’s obviously an important, yet touchy topic. I know this is common in this day and age, can someone offer some advice?

Thanks for listenting

Y’all not tawked about this before now? Don’t ya reckon religion needs to be discussed* before *deciding to get married?

Be that as it may, here we are.

I suggest stepping back and taking a breath. Do a search on this forum to see hundreds of posts of couples, in the same position, that went ahead and got married, thinking “it will work out.”

In y’alls situation somebody has to compromise, whose it gonna be? You? Her? Both gonna give a little? What part of the Faith are YOU willing to hedge on? The part about Mass attendance? Children Baptisms? Do y’all even know what church ya gonna have the ceremony in yet? That in itself is gonna be a compromise on her part. Her family gonna go along with that?

From reading such things, IMHO if the non Catholic is wishy washy about his/her Faith the relationship has a chance to work, because that partner will be more cooperative when it comes to church attendance and Baptisms.

The biggest problems occur when both partners the Catholic and non, both are devout in what the believe. It makes compromise next to impossible, because if you compromise on Church doctrines, and canon law, you never really believed it in the first place.

Now I dunno about y’all, but my Catholic Faith is not up for discussion. And thats my :twocents:

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

In a month I will be married to someone I love more than life itself.

Are you getting married in the Catholic church or in her church?

If you’re getting married in the Catholic church I’m with others who are shocked that this hasn’t come up in your marriage preparation.

If you’re getting married in her church then you need to get a dispensation in order to have a valid marriage. Catholics must be married according to Catholic marriage laws or the marriage is invalid. Have you spoken with a priest?

 

[kage_ar]

Do you love God more than her?

 

[thenewmrssears]

This is going to be long and take what I say with a grain of salt if you wish, but I am in the exact opposite position of you and your fiance. I am the Catholic, and my husband is Lutheran. Both of us were raised in our respective religions, and we are both devout practicers of our faith raised by wonderfully religious parents.

However, we discussed this WAY before we were even engaged. After we had been together for about a year and a half, and I think we realized marriage was probably in our future, we sat down over the course of a few months, and we really hashed out a lot of our opinions on faith, family, raising kids, birth control, Church, etc.

I was very clear that I could not and would not marry him if he could not promise in good conscience to raise our children Catholic. He agreed with me then, he agreed with me in pre-caana, he agreed with me at our wedding, and he still agrees with me today.

That isn’t to say that there weren’t rough times back then when we were hashing it all out. His parents [especially his mom] are very vocal about how unhappy they are that we will raise our children Catholic. They got over me being Catholic, but the kids…well…that’s another story. He wasn’t sure he could deal with his kids thinking he wouldn’t go to heaven, because he wasn’t a Catholic. We hashed that out with a priest.

This should have been addressed eons before now. Are you getting married in a Catholic Church? You have no choice but to raise your kids Catholic. That is addressed in pre-caana and again in your vows. The husband is the spiritual head of the household. My husband prayed about it during our dating period, and it came to him that as the spiritual head it was his job to ensure the children were raised Catholic. He feels that while he may not be Catholic, it isn’t about him. It is about his family.

My husband won’t convert either. He does not agree with some of the fundamentals [ie. the relationship Catholics have with Mary, the existence of a Pope, etc], but he attends Church with me most Sundays. He attends Lutheran service on Saturday evenings. I attend Lutheran service with him about once a month, but I always go to Catholic Church on Sunday. He volunteers at the Sunday School where I teach as an “arts and activities helper.” He coaches the CYO football team. He makes a conscience effort to educate himself in the practices of the Catholic Church so he can provide his children with information and be a good role model to his CATHOLIC children. He will continue to attend Church with me and the kids [should we be blessed with any] and just not receive Communion.

You need to hash this out NOW. Call a priest, explain what is going on, and start praying. I hate to say it, but I think that this can be a dealbreaker for a lot of people.

However did you never talk about it prior to now or did you think you would get her to change? If that is the case you were very naive…religion isn’t something people give up very easily.

 

[boswell2k1]

Do you love God more than her?

That’s not fair. I did not come here to be judged I came here for answers.

I know this will come across as very harsh criticism, but I cannot believe you will be married in one month and this has “just now” come up. It is very shocking that you would not discuss something as important as religion early on in any relationship.

It’s the compromise that I don’t want her to convert to Catholic if she truely does not want to. If you read my post again with less prejudice you will understand that she has stated her willingness to convert, which will be against her parents blessing. THAT is my concern. I have seen families torn due to religious differences and I am looking for ways to encourage her to do it because she truely wants to be Catholic, otherwise what good is it?

Are you getting married in the Catholic church or in her church?

An outside marriage. Yes, I realize this is a problem.

Please let me say this before anyone replies again: If your intent is to question my faith or tell me this isn’t going to work, DON’T reply. I am looking for people with EXPERIENCE in this situation to help guide me. This is the reatlity that I have chosen, and I know this isn’t the best situation for a Catholic to be in.

 

[thenewmrssears]

I just thought of this.

Does your Church do a Why Catholic? series? Here in Atlanta, a lot of the Churches do 6 week seminars that happen once a week for 2 or so hours, and they discuss main themes and ideas of the Catholic faith.

You may want to expose her to that. My husband is going through it right now not with the purpose to convert, but rather just to better understand the faith.

There is usually no cost or it is very minimal.

 

[boswell2k1]

However did you never talk about it prior to now or did you think you would get her to change? If that is the case you were very naive…religion isn’t something people give up very easily.

FOR PETE’S SAKE, PEOPLE: Read my post again before someone asks this questions. All I said is my concern (which came up LAST night, not the fist every discussion of this) is that I don’t want her to CONVERT because of the reasons she wants to, but because she TRUELY wants to. I stated that she is a devout Lutheran, and I don’t want her to throw her beliefs away “just because I’m Catholic.”

Yes, this IS touchy, that’s why I am here for help. Please keep the facts straight, I apprecieate the replies, but several of them speculate into ideas that are not the topic at hand.

 

[thenewmrssears]

OK I for one am willing to admit I misread your post.

No need to get testy.

Listen, if she is as devout as you are implying she is, she is probably willing to convert for the wrong reasons. Most Lutherans don’t just make the jump to Catholicism, because while they are fairly similar the differences are HUGE.

I still stand by my advice that you need to see a priest ASAP.

 

[1ke]

It’s the compromise that I don’t want her to convert to Catholic if she truely does not want to. If you read my post again with less prejudice you will understand that she has stated her willingness to convert, which will be against her parents blessing. THAT is my concern. I have seen families torn due to religious differences and I am looking for ways to encourage her to do it because she truely wants to be Catholic, otherwise what good is it?

Well, that is why I recommended that you support her in her exploration of the Catholic faith. Attend RCIA with her. Let her explore the idea. That doesn’t mean she has to convert, but go with her to classes and then discuss what she learns.

An outside marriage. Yes, I realize this is a problem.

It’s not just a “problem”. It’s a mortal sin and it places your outside the Church and the Sacraments.

You need to talk to your priest ASAP. You will be in an invalid marriage if you do not complete pre-Cana and receive the proper dispensation for marriage outside the Catholic form and to a non-Catholic.

 

[bilop]

FOR PETE’S SAKE, PEOPLE: Read my post again before someone asks this questions. All I said is my concern (which came up LAST night, not the fist every discussion of this) is that I don’t want her to CONVERT because of the reasons she wants to, but because she TRUELY wants to. I stated that she is a devout Lutheran, and I don’t want her to throw her beliefs away “just because I’m Catholic.”

Yes, this IS touchy, that’s why I am here for help. Please keep the facts straight, I apprecieate the replies, but several of them speculate into ideas that are not the topic at hand.

Boswell,

If you are a practicing Catholic, you should want her to convert because Catholicism is the TRUTH. You should care about her salvation more than her parents wishes.

God Bless and good luck

 

[thenewmrssears]

Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought if one of the persons entering into a marriage is Catholic the marriage ceremony is to be in the Church or else it is considered invalid and therefore a mortal sin.

Am I wrong here?

I can’t pull up the Catechism from my work computer today for some reason, and I don’t have my hard copy in my big bag today…

You don’t have to have a full Mass…just a Catholic marriage ceremony [what we did].

 

[holly_potter]

I won’t question your faith, nor will I say that “it won’t work”.

Here’s some tips that I found very helpful to me.

1. Talk. If you want to let her know that you don’t expect her to convert, say so. "Sweetie, I know you’re open to the idea of converting to Catholicism, but I want to let you know that I don’t expect you to. I will still be there for you. If you want to convert, I will also always be here for you. You are free to make your own decisions, and whatever you decide I will support you in your decision. "

It’s so simple, and yet it can be so difficult. But if you can talk about this, you can talk about anything in your marriage. If you can’t, wait until you guys are able to talk about anything before you decide to get married. That way it will work out Takes a lot of effort and perhaps add’l time, but that way it will work

1. Just because her father is an elder doesn’t mean she has to abide by his rules or feelings. If she wants to convert, yes, that may mean strangled family ties. But support, support, support. It will be very difficult for you, if she decides to do that. But always keep your cool, and then if her father decides to get angry or something, then both of you can explain it was her decision alone. If he still won’t listen, always stay by her side, and always make an effort to be nice to her father.
2. Get married in a Catholic ceremony. It does not have to be a nuptial Mass, concerning that it’s a interdenominational marriage. Heck, even her father could officiate with proper dispensation from the Church, and you guys would be validly married.

The Catholic Church, in order to ensure that marriages will be built to last, makes y’all go through some training. They’re just classes, some are on 1 weekend, some are every week for 10 weeks. But they will help you to iron out any wrinkles that may appear in an interdenominational marriage.

It will do wonders for the longevity of your marriage, because it makes you guys talk about difficult stuff.

Also, just FYI by marrying in a Catholic ceremony (or with proper dispensation) you will remain a good Catholic. If you get married outside of the Church or without proper dispensation, you will be living in a state of sin, and will not be able to receive Holy Communion unless you abstain from relations (and who wants to do that when you’re newly married?) or until you actually have a proper Catholic marriage.

Yes, I know it’s not going to be easy and ::hugs:: for the snag you guys ran into. It probably means that you guys might have to postpone the wedding until you can get all of these in order, but it will be well worth it You probably already paid for lots of stuff, but a couple of thousand of dollars is worth it if she is worth more than life itself Compared to the rest of your guys’ life together, a little bit more time as fiancees is immaterial.

 

[bilop]

Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought if one of the persons entering into a marriage is Catholic the marriage ceremony is to be in the Church or else it is considered invalid and therefore a mortal sin.

Am I wrong here?

I can’t pull up the Catechism from my work computer today for some reason, and I don’t have my hard copy in my big bag today…

You don’t have to have a full Mass…just a Catholic marriage ceremony [what we did].

You are correct: a Catholic ceremony, or a dispensation (to be married in another Christian Church) is required.

 

[1ke]

Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought if one of the persons entering into a marriage is Catholic the marriage ceremony is to be in the Church or else it is considered invalid and therefore a mortal sin.

Am I wrong here?

It is invalid if the Catholic does not receive the proper permissions to marry outside the Catholic form. And, yes, it is objectively a mortal sin.

It is possible for the Catholic to receive this permission, but he/she must go through the proper channels, complete marriage preparation in the Catholic Church, and do the paperwork with their priest/deacon.

 

[GhostMan]

Gentle Boswell,

If you step back and read some of the posts, you will see people doing exactly what you ask: couples with first-hand experience tell you what to expect. The problem seems to be, you don’t want the type of advice they’re giving, you want a magic-wand that will fix all the problems.

My wife and in a split home; one is Catholic, one is not. Both are devout. This was not the case when we married - my wife left the True Faith about two years ago. Since then, nothing has been the same. It is not about the different faiths, it’s about being unable to share the thing that is most precious to you with the person who is the most precious to you. it’s about being unable to share in the fullness of joy at a baptism, or even enjoy hearing a child speak of their religious training. It’s about the stress that a multiple faith home has - even if both members are Christians. It’s about the strain on the extended families.

If you are only talking about it now, you’re unprepared. My wife and I were married for more than twenty years when she left for another faith. Even then, we were not prepared.

It is arrogance, or ignorance, for someone to think that they are able to overcome by sheer love or act of will where countless people - people with actual experience - tell them otherwise.

Yes, some couples do make it work; I wager a minority. Others stick together in pain. Why add this stress?

It sounds as if your fiance is willing to convert, but I hear a little voice in the background telling me that she might be doing this just to keep the peace and get married. You seem to sense this, hence your wise advice to hold off on conversion.

Do a search and read the countless posts on this subject. The advice is consistent and overwhelming. If you need to be reassured that love triumphs all - perhaps you need a different forum. If you want unwashed truth and pain, keep posting. Just try not to get defensive when you hear what you don’t want to hear. Honesty is not always pleasant.

 

[thenewmrssears]

You are correct: a Catholic ceremony, or a dispensation (to be married in another Christian Church) is required.

Thank you. I am just having some “brain farts” today!

Also, a lot of Catholic Parishes will let you incorporate the other person’s faith into the ceremony. My husband’s pastor from the church where he grew up [also his best friend’s dad] was part of our Catholic marriage ceremony. He gave a sermon and did a second blessing on our rings [before the Catholic blessing].

It was a nice touch to the ceremony, and I think it really made Nathan feel that his religion was important as well.

 

[agapewolf]

Delay the wedding. No kidding. Yes, you might lose money. It is NOT worth it in the long run.

The fact that this just came up speaks VOLUMES about the nature of your relationship.

The fact that you are willing to get married outside the church without thinking about it first speaks volumes. This seperates you from the sacraments and the grace needed to sustain a marriage. Your marriage will lack validity and grace (and don’t say you have thought about it, because if this JUST came up, then its obvious).

This is not judgement…this is DEAD serious. and I mean that, I dont’ mean physical death, but could mean spiritual death.

Talk, figure it out. Be the man, the spiritual head of the household, and get the act together.

 

[GracedUpon]

Since she is willing to look into converting, I would suggest enrolling her into the RCIA class at your parish. Go to the classes with her, so both of you can learn about the faith together.

Also, if she is willing to read more about the faith, I would definitely recommend Rome Sweet Home by Scott and Kimberly Hahn. It chronicles their journey from being devout protestants, to devout Catholics. It provides scripture to support that Catholicism is the one true Church, ordained by Jesus. It’s a quick, easy read, but includes a lot of information in support of the Church, especially for Protestants.

I would also recommend for engaged (and married) couples to read Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West. It’s another quick and easy read that enhances our understanding of the beauty of the sexual union in marital relationships.

I am going to back up what other posters have said also–make sure you get the proper dispensations, otherwise you will be living in mortal sin for quite a while, until you can have your marriage convalidated.

God bless you both in your relationship, that you will know which path to choose.