Marrying someone who finds me physically unattractive

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AliasApril

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My younger sister is more physically attractive than I am. I’m not fat or ugly, but she is practically a supermodel. Guys notice that, but by and large, they do not notice me. I never even got asked out on a date till I was 22. I’m now nearly 28.

A close platonic male friend says I have these options:
  1. Find a guy who thinks I’m more physically attractive than my sister (which he said will be very unlikely)
  2. Find a guy who thinks we’re at about the same level
  3. Find a man who thinks my sister is more attractive but doesn’t care (although I don’t know why he wouldn’t care, since guys have physical types and are visual and all this)
  4. Find a guy who thinks I’m not physically attractive but who likes me ‘as a person’ (and my friend thinks that I’m dumb to insist that the guy should find me at least partly physically attractive)
Options 1 and 2 are okay to me. Option 3 makes me wary because it seems an awful lot like being a consolation prize. Option 4 seems so thoroughly depressing that I’d rather stay single forever. However, my friend thinks it’s dumb to want to be found desirable by my husband.

I’d appreciate your thoughts because I’m really very confused.
 
Why does he have to compare you to your sister and have you come out on top? Why can’t he just love and appreciate your beauty? And even if he did privately think to himself upon meeting your sister “Wow,” would that really be the end of the world? Would it detract from his relationship with you?

I’ll let you in on a secret: married people run across people more physically attractive than their spouses all the time. If you live in a big city and/or have a job working with the public, it might even be daily. As long as everyone is honest, secure, committed, and respectful, it truly doesn’t matter.
 
Is your friend even married? He sounds very unhelpful. These aren’t your “only” options. And they all involve comparing yourself to your sister, which is nonsense.

Like BlueEyedLadies said, people are around others who are “objectively” more attractive than they are all the time. But attraction is not just physical. A basic level of physical attraction is generally necessary, but attractiveness has a lot more to do with a shared life together. It’s about marrying the person you want to tell when you have good news and go to when things are hard. Watching that person be a parent to your children. Sleeping in the same bed at night. Talking, and sharing your life. Developing an intimate relationship and getting to know your spouse (physically and otherwise) in a deep way.

I’m pretty average looking. My husband would also probably be considered “average” but I think he is more attractive than I am. I am sure that he finds other women attractive, but who cares? We’re all going to find other people attractive now and then, but if you have a good marriage it isn’t something anyone really thinks about much at all. You need to stop comparing yourself to your sister. A good man isn’t going to care how attractive your sister is. Many people may not even be attracted to her type of beauty. There are plenty of models and celebrities I or my husband do not find attractive. I’d stop discussing this issue with this particular friend- he doesn’t know what he is talking about.
 
Problem is that I’ve had the experience in the past where a guy meets me, likes me, calls me ‘marriage material’ and then…meets my sister and becomes interested in her. That was not fun. Would prefer to avoid in future. I’m not keen to be the poor man’s version of my sister – you know, the ‘also ran’.
 
This friend is not married. He’s probably also the most normal of the Catholic guys I know. Yeah. I know.

I don’t really care if my potential husband finds millions of women more attractive than me. I just don’t want him to compare me to my sister, you know? I’ve spent my whole life being in her shadow and I would hope to find someone who would choose my looks over her looks. Or who would at least find us about the same. The thing is, when you first meet a guy, you don’t have shared history to bolster the attraction. Physical appearance is really the main factor in a first impression, and, well, as my friend says, I can’t really compete. He says I’m not ugly, but he says my sister is prettier than I am.

Actually, I don’t know what my point is, but only one man has ever told me I’m beautiful, but then again he sent me a text one day at 5am proclaiming that he couldn’t get my sister out of his mind.
 
Where do you find the non-shallow ones? The Catholic scene where I am has nothing but fool’s gold, it seems…
 
AliasApril said:
A close platonic male friend says I have these options
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Is this close platonic friend 12 years old? If not, then please stop listening to him because he is ridiculously immature.
AliasApril said:
My younger sister is more physically attractive than I am. I’m not fat or ugly, but she is practically a supermodel. Guys notice that, but by and large, they do not notice me. I never even got asked out on a date till I was 22. I’m now nearly 28.
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OK, April, you need to start working on yourself. Not your looks, but the way you think about yourself. When you project “she’s the pretty one, I’m not” out into the world, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are you, your sister is your sister. You are each unique and have qualities that will attract the right guy for you. It’s not a competition.
AliasApril said:
Options 1 and 2 are okay to me. Option 3 makes me wary because it seems an awful lot like being a consolation prize. Option 4 seems so thoroughly depressing that I’d rather stay single forever.
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Option 5: Stop worrying about your sister. It’s not a competition. You are 28 years old. Do you not have your own circle of friends? Do you not meet people independently of your sister?

Why would your sister enter anywhere into the equation???
AliasApril said:
However, my friend thinks it’s dumb to want to be found desirable by my husband.
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So again, why is this person your friend again? Because he sounds very immature and strange.
AliasApril said:
I’d appreciate your thoughts because I’m really very confused.
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Get some professional counseling. This isn’t about men and whether or not they find you attractive. This is about your own insecurities and your view that you can never measure up to your sister. Until you deal with that, the boyfriend thing is secondary because you will have that attitude seep into every relationship you try to build and sabotage it.
 
I’m completely confused as to why your prospects to marry are some how related to your sister’s looks? Are you afraid that if you date or marry someone, your sister will try to seduce them or something? While men may be initially attracted by the visual, they really aren’t these shallow dunces who only stay with one female until a shinier one comes along. My advice is to forget about this conversation completely because it’s utter nonsense and pray to God to send you someone who will love you and see you as God sees you. Also, pray that God delivers you from your jealousy toward your sister.
 
Not jealous so much as anxious. I love my sister. And she would never seduce a guy who was with me. But she’s not the problem.

For example, the other day a 40 yo married coworker of my sister’s declared his love for her. She was badly shaken up, but this is the effect she has on guys. Although apparently this guy had cheated on his wife before so maybe he was just a cad from the start.
 
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Yeah, it would seem. If a guy calls you ‘marriage material’ and then gets all hot for your sister he’s a real piece of garbage.

Try non-religious dating sites maybe? Take a class at the community college in something you find interesting and maybe you’ll bump into someone there? I don’t know, I’ve been with my husband for over ten years and I met him through friends and I didn’t date much before that 'cept high school guys, so I don’t really know how to meet guys specifically for dating.
 
If this is a recurring problem, the easy solution seems to be that you develop a relationship with the date before taking him to meet your sister.
 
Weirdly, we share the same circle of friends because we are very close. So I think we’re seen as a bit of a twofer in our scene. I have stopped going to events that she attends because, well, I often feel invisible. But that’s not her fault.

I think I will get counseling actually. But not from a priest because I don’t think they get it.
 
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AliasApril said:
Problem is that I’ve had the experience in the past where a guy meets me, likes me, calls me ‘marriage material’ and then…meets my sister and becomes interested in her. That was not fun. Would prefer to avoid in future. I’m not keen to be the poor man’s version of my sister – you know, the ‘also ran’.
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Not fun, but also that guy just showed he was not “marriage material”. Good riddance.

When you meet the right man, that will not happen. He will like you for you. He will love you for you.
 
I don’t introduce them. They meet accidentally through our parish scene. For example, guy meets me at church, then meets my sister at the same church on a different occasion.

I think I need a new church.
 
CoffeeAndDonuts said:
Try non-religious dating sites maybe?
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I would not suggest this. Non-religious sites are filled with players and guys looking for sex.

I would suggest the opposite. A serious site like Ave Maria Singles Online for someone who wants to meet and marry a serious Catholic.
 
I actually think non-religious guys could be an option that I’ve overlooked in the past. I’m finding the Catholic scene to be…well, ‘depersonalised groupthink’ comes to mind.
 
AliasApril said:
Weirdly, we share the same circle of friends because we are very close. So I think we’re seen as a bit of a twofer in our scene. I have stopped going to events that she attends because, well, I often feel invisible. But that’s not her fault.
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So, is your sister married? How old is she?
 
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